Title is My Chemical Romance song "This Is How I Disappear."
"And what's option three?" Rae asked Kester.
"Leave Finn," he said seriously.
Rae could only stare at him. There's no way she could do that. She just got him. He told her he fancied her. They just had their first date. She schooled him in bowling and he touched her hand. But he seemed to genuinely like her. With each passing day she was becoming more and more confident of them together, dismissing the idea that he was just trying to bed her for a bet.
"You're nutters," she finally remarked incredulously.
"I'm serious, Rae. Leave college, stop caring what people think, or leave Finn," he shrugged. "It's simple as that."
"Stop trying to ruin what I just got, Voldemort!"
An hour later Rae was laying on her bed contemplating what Kester had told her earlier. She could leave college. But at 16? Where would that get her in life? But if she did leave, she could be with Finn without the nasty stares of the students. Though they'd just stare at them elsewhere. Stop caring what people think? Easier said than done. Most of her insecurities arose from just that. There were stares wherever she went because to them being fat was absolutely disgusting. The if nasty whispers didn't bother her any longer, she could be confident, comfortable. But let's face it, that's never going to happen.
Did she have to leave Finn? If she did, he wouldn't get heckled by people for being with her. He could be happy. He didn't deserve the shit that came with being with her. He deserved so much more. He shouldn't be with someone that had been in the psych ward, he should have someone more… normal. That's it. She'd made up her mind.
She sat up on her bed and put her shoes on before grabbing her leather jacket and walking out the door. She had to do it before she chickened out.
It took her about a half hour to walk to Finn's house due to her nearly turning back various times. She strongly knocked on the door. It was only half five, he should be home. She could hear his feet stomping down the stairs as he made his way to the door. Throwing it open, his eyes brightened as he saw it was Rae.
"Rae!" he exclaimed excitedly as he grabbed her in a tight hug, placing a quick kiss to her head. "All right?" He pulled her in the house and shut the door behind her.
"Finn, I've gotta talk to you," she started.
Finn's face dropped. This didn't sound good.
"What's wrong, Rae?" he reached for her hand but she jerked it back. She wouldn't be able to do it if he touched her. She got weak when he touched her, her knees would buckle and her heart would beat faster.
"I can't do this, Finn. I'm breaking up with you," she looked him dead in the eyes.
Finn looked positively crushed. "I don't understand. Why? Did I do something wrong?" He ran the past few weeks through his head since the two got together. "I- I-"
"Finn, it's not your fault. It's mine. I'm still too fucked up from everything. I can't drag you into that. It's not fair to you," she begged he understand.
"Seriously? You're seriously fucking do this? When are you going to stop fishing for reasons to not be with me?" he couldn't believe it.
"I'm so sorry, Finn. I need to focus on myself and getting better. Can- can we still be friends?" she asked tentatively.
"Friends? Rae, you're bloody mental if you think we can be friends," he shouted.
Mental. Right.
"Piss off, Rae. Get the fuck out of my house," he ushered her to the front door before opening it and slamming it behind her.
Rae was crushed. She hoped Finn would understand why she did what she did. Tears cascaded down her face as she stumbled down his drive. This time it took her only twenty minutes to get to her house. As she stepped through her front door she paused at the kitchen. She stared down that blasted cupboard as if waiting for it to strike.
Don't fucking do it, Rae. Don't turn to binging. You're better than this. Her hand flinched. She stepped forward, hand outstretched. Opening the cabinet she made a quick grab for a package of biscuits and a bag of crisps. You're fucking weak, her head screamed.
She ran upstairs to her bedroom and shoved open her door. She tossed the offending food onto the bed before pulling off her clothes and changing into pajamas and crawled pathetically into bed. She looked at the clock; nearly 7. Ignoring the voices in her head she opened the bag of crisps and ate them as she wrote in her diary, frequently bringing her hand up to wipe her eyes. What have I done? Have I ruined everything between Finn and me? Will we ever even go back to how it was before?
She couldn't write. Her hand shook along with her body as she sobbed. She should have never listened to Kester. Fuck Kester. He's not there to help her; he's there to break her again. In the midst of her sob session she made a shaky grab for the package of biscuits. Halfway through she realized that she was unconsciously binging again and violently threw them across her room, smashing against the wall where the postcards from her "father" were once pinned.
Rae threw her head back on the pillow in exhaustion. Turning on her side she wished for an escape. An escape from the voices in her head; from the urge to binge, to cut, to burn… An escape from reality and the mess she just made.
Sleep came to Rae, allowing her momentary bliss as she dreamt of absolutely nothing. However, the next morning she awoke to her mum screaming at her.
"What the bloody hell is this, Rachel?" she yelled.
Rae weakly arose to sit up in the bed, wiping her crusty eyes. Looking over she saw her mum pointing angrily at the crumbled biscuits on the floor.
"I'm sorry," she said pathetically.
"You're sorry? Why, pray tell, did you destroy perfectly fine biscuits that I worked to pay for?" her eyebrows raised, challenging Rae to answer.
"I broke up with Finn," Rae answered.
Linda's eyes softened slightly. "You should have never involved yourself with a boy, Rachel, while you're still healing."
"I bloody well know that! I made a mistake!"
Her mum huffed and walked out, stopping at the door. "You clean up this mess, Rachel."
Rae stared emotionless at the smashed biscuits. Yeah, she's made a mess all right.
She carelessly cleaned her room before getting ready for the day. Maybe she could talk to the gang and explain herself. Maybe they won't hate her if she just explains why she had to break up with Finn. Their Finn who's been with them longer than she has. But she had to try.
She morosely walked to the pub with her backpack attached to her shoulder. It was her security blanket. She took a deep breath as she pushed open the door. Glancing around she spotted them in the usual spot; Chloe sitting too close to an uncomfortable (and still secretly gay) Archie and Izzy on Chop's lap who was nursing a pint. Her breath caught when she saw Finn staring at her. Well, more like glaring. She made her way over, confidence wavering with every step.
"Hiya, Rae!" Izzy greeted cheerily.
"Hi, guys," her voice shook slightly.
"What are you doing here?" Finn said angrily causing the rest to stare at him in shock.
"I wanted to explain to them," Rae answered quietly.
"What's going on," Chloe asked sounding more interested in gossip than in the welfare of her two friends.
"Rae's just leaving," Finn supplied with a snarl.
"Please, Finn. Let me explain why I did it to them and then I'll leave."
"Explain that you broke up with me because your therapist said so?"
The gang gasped.
"Rae…" Izzy started but was quickly shut up by a glare from Finn.
"I need to focus on my-" Finn cut her off.
"You're not a fucking martyr, Rachel. Stop acting like one. You broke up with me because you're being selfish. Simple as that. Now leave and don't bother us again." Finn downed the rest of his pint before shoving the chair back violently and stalking off to the jukebox, appearing to search for a tune when in actuality he needed to get his mind off Rae before the gang noticed the tear falling down his face.
Rae's chin dropped to her chest as she turned and rushed out of the pub. But she wasn't going back to her house. She stopped at the park, tossing her backpack onto a bench before sitting down and pulling out her diary. She ran her hands over last night's entry. The pages crumpled and ink smeared where her tears reached the paper.
Dear Finn,
I'm so sorry I hurt you. I wish I could take it all back or at least just enough so you wouldn't hate me anymore.
I'm so sorry.
You were the greatest thing to happen to me. In the few weeks I had you, you showed me that I could be loved despite my past; that a fat girl could be loved. You made me feel human. I'm sorry that I didn't believe you in the beginning but thank you for prov-
Rae startled as her diary was snatched by the two Twats that always follow Big G around.
"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" Ninja mocked.
"Give that back and leave me alone!" Rae yelled. Rae feared he would read about Archie, about Chloe. She might not have them anymore but she could at least keep their secrets. She would guard them with her life.
"Piss off, Jabba," Squeaky sneered pushing her onto the ground.
"Seriously?" she was disgusted with these two.
She shot up from the ground as quickly as she could to try and grab the book from Ninja who was flipping through the pages quickly skimming the words.
"Oi," Rae heard from behind her. Turning around she breathed a sigh of relief. "What do you two twats thing you're doing?" Big G shouted.
He passed Rae and shot his hand out to grab Ninja by the neck who dropped her diary in fear. "I thought I told you two fuckers to leave her alone."
"Sorry," they both muttered.
"That's what I thought," he shoved Ninja away. "Now fuck off."
Ninja and Squeaky scattered immediately.
When they were out of sight, Big G grabbed Rae's diary and handed it to her. "How are you doing, you know, since…" he trailed off.
"All right. You?" Rae was grateful he showed up to stop the other two but weirded out that he's trying small talk.
"I- um- Fine," he said awkwardly as he timidly followed her suit and sat down on the bench. "Listen, I'm really sorry again for that. And before that. And now for those two. I'll talk to them again."
"It's all right."
They both sat there silently, unsure of what to say or do. However it wasn't long before they heard shouting.
"I thought I told you to fucking stay away from her, you piece of shit!" Rae groaned as she turned and saw Finn making his way towards them staggering drunkenly with Chop following behind him.
"Finn, it's fine. He's not doing anything wrong," Rae said as he continued to get closer whilst Big G gave Rae a goodbye wave and walked casually in the opposite direction.
Finn was too hammered to walk a straight line let along without help. He ended up tripping in a hole and slamming to the ground when he tried to speed up and catch Big G. Rae instinctually ran to help him up. Grabbing his arms, she pulled him into a sitting position the same moment Chop reached them and put his arms around each of them. They walked a groaning Finn with a face-full of dirt and grass to the table Rae had just vacated.
"What's going on, Rae?" Chop asked her concernedly.
"With what? Big G or Finn?" she asked sadly as she wet tissues from her backpack with water, cleaning an unconscious Finn's muddy face.
"You," he said.
"Nothing."
"Bollocks, Rae. Why did you do it?" his arms were crossed. She'd never seen Chop like this before.
"I'm trying to get better. I need to focus on myself," she brushed hair out of Finn's closed eyes, unable to look Chop in the eyes. He didn't say anything but just watched her as she picked up her pack and walked off not noticing she left her diary behind.
In fact, it wasn't until nearly 8 that night she noticed. She swore to herself before making her way to the phone to call Chop. But he didn't have it. Of course he didn't. Finn did.
Rae banged her head on the wall causing Karim to glance at her with a confused expression on his face. She gave a simple apology before telling him she'd be back later. Her mom was on the night shift at the hospital.
It was again a 20 minute trek to Finn's full of cursing herself for her bad fortune. She knocked on the door for it to be opened a few seconds later by Finn's mum.
"Hi, honey, Finn said you'd be showing up," she gave Rae a sweet smile. "Go ahead, he's up in his room."
Rae gave her a kiss on the cheek as she passed and made her way up the stairs. She could hear the music seeping through the walls. Champagne Supernova. His door was open and he was sat on his bed. She didn't speak and he didn't look up.
"Three options," he stated simply.
"How much did you read?"
"Enough," he was being standoffish but she knew she deserved it after all she's put him through.
She slowly made her way farther into his room and finally sat in the chair at the foot of his bed.
"Did you read about Archie and Chloe?" she asked curiously.
"I don't give a rat's ass about those two right now, Rae," he said sharply, finally looking at her.
Rae shrugged.
"Three options," he repeated. "Leave college, stop caring what others think, or leave me," he counted off each with his fingers.
"Yes."
"And you chose the easy way out."
She shrugged again. "I don't know what you want me to say, Finn. Though you've already read it."
He nodded, still staring at her. "I did. And I think you made a huge mistake with your choice."
"If I remember right, you called me mental because of it," Rae said nastily.
"Oh, come off it, Rae. Of course I didn't mean it like that," Finn said.
"Right, whatever."
"No. You have no fucking right to be like this to me. You're the one who ended it. This is because of you; not me! I've been there for you. You even said it yourself: I made you feel loved. Now I don't really give a shit what the other twats think of us. I don't care if they'll call me names. Yeah, it'll get to me. I mean, have you met me?" he laughed sarcastically. "I'm grumpy Finn Nelson. I get into fights. I play football. I defend what I love."
Rae gasped quietly but it was still audible to Finn.
"Oh, you heard me, did you? Well the shit that spews from their mouths is not going to affect us being together. They aren't going to fucking break us, Rae. And you need to get that through your head."
"Have I completely ruined everything?" Rae asked, whispering.
"No. But you do have a lot to make up for. You broke my heart Rae; my cold, dead heart," he smirked at her. "Now. You have three options. Which do you choose?"
Rae was silent for a moment before speaking. "Op- option two," she said.
Finn grinned. "Very good."
He walked over and stood in front of her form sitting in the chair. "Now, stand up," he ordered pulling her gently by her arms, looking each other dead in the eyes. "I will get mad. I will yell and I will say a bunch of shit. I will tell you to fuck off sometimes. You have to understand not to take any of that to heart."
"Finn…" Rae started.
"Hmm?"
"Did you read anything about Archie and Chloe?"
"I only read what you put yesterday and today in hopes of making sense of things, I read nothing else," he told her honestly.
"Finn," she said again.
"Yes, Rae?"
"I love you, too."
He grinned.
"I know you do," he said as she pulled his face to hers. It was going to take a lot of making up to him on her part and she might as well start now.