Chapter 1

Steep Incline

It was noticeable because of the divide, perhaps, or maybe it was his imagination. Not that he'd ever been known for his wild imagination, but Kaidan liked to think that, in this case, he could blame that more than face up to what it would mean if it wasn't.

Everyone had been very polite, too polite in fact. He had been determined because he'd be damned if he would go through another operation, not again, not if he could help it. But everyone was so nice that it was difficult to ignore the implications. They saw the unknown in him, perhaps, or maybe just the unpredictable. He knew he was better than that, he knew he was more than the thing in his head, but other people were cautious.

Perhaps with good reason. He hadn't known back then.

"Welcome to the Navy soldier," were the words the Captain had offered after he had jumped through their hoops and held his poker face while they drilled him about the L2 implant lying like a time bomb inside his skull. He had assumed his father would be proud, enlisting just like his old man. Kaidan told himself, after he finished his call home to Vancouver, that he really should have known better.

He had never been happier to leave somewhere than he had been to step out of the testing centre that day, the day he had taken it upon himself to try and find something better to do with his life than sit inside the cage his father was trying to construct around him and drink himself to death. Well, there was one other place he could think that he'd been happier to leave, but that really shouldn't have figured into the equation. Including Jump Zero in the list just ruined the chances of all the other hideous places he'd been. Kaidan was nothing if he wasn't for equal opportunities.

It was four days until he heard back from the bland faced Captain who had passed him through the recruitment programme. Three days too long walking around the barracks trying not to seem as young, angry and worried as he really was. The other recruits seemed to have far more purpose than Kaidan felt he could understand. What on earth are they striving for? He would wonder, they've only just arrived here. What the hell am I missing?

The time between the end of those three days and the years that followed were enough to show him. Perhaps it was just his imagination, perhaps it was...the reason everyone was so goddamn nice. He served under Captain Shegora, with her stern eyes and rigid countenance, and he did well. It wasn't like Jump Zero, he didn't jump because he was scared that if he didn't he'd be put in solitary confinement for a week. He jumped because he wanted to jump, even if at first his brain had difficulties telling the difference. It had caused problems, yes, but that hadn't stopped him.

That was where the biggest change came. Problems he had previously dealt with out of spite, like the migranes and the nosebleeds, were now no longer ignored as if he should be well aware of the consequences. He had refused the further training because he couldn't bear the thought of the word. Biotic training? Synonymous in his mind with broken limbs, terrified stares and his first kill. Something he was not willing to repeat. Vyrnnus had been asking for it, was the line he had repeated over and over again to himself in the days after the incident, as BAaT shut down around him and Rahna refused to look him in the eye, even as she nursed her arm in the sling. The words had rung hollow then and they would for years after.

So he pushed himself too far, perhaps out of a misplaced sense that if he excelled he would be accepted by those around him and everyone would stop being to goddamn nice, and the migranes came. Usually at the worst times, like a training drill in the desert simulator, with the sun drilling down into his skull like a blowtorch; or as he tried to lift the fallen crate from his comrade as they yelled and tried to crawl away from their crushed leg and the pooling blood, while Kaidan felt the same red liquid gushing out of his nose as he strained; or as he was trying to bypass a door while his team took heavy fire, desperate to get inside, listening to them die as he took longer and longer to find the circuit path through the breakers...

Yet every time he feels like he's failed in some way, instead he finds himself commended for it. He pulls his team through the simulation of Terra Nova's harsh equatorial deserts, taking command when the squad leader falls prey to dehydration; they make him serviceman second class and somehow it feels like a personal victory, even if at the time he wasn't quite sure over what. When he pulled the crate off of his superior, General Vashka, when their ship was ambushed by the Blue Suns in orbit around Korlus and the others around him fled for the escape pods, he was bumped up to Specialist Alenko. The reason was different again, somehow, and he found himself wondering why he had saved the man, even though he constantly, silently, disagreed with all of his decisions, including the one which had them ambushed in the first place. Then the Skyllian Blitz happened. He had been part of a small search and rescue team sent down to the colony while the warships crashed and burned in the sky overhead. Their commanding officer had been taken out by a grenade blast when the LZ they thought was good turned out to be hot. The shuttle that had brought them there went next with a rocket to the fuel tank, and Kaidan had been left to think on his feet and almost give himself brain damage trying to hack him and all that was left of his comrades into the nearest building while Batarians tried their best to mercilessly slaughter them. He manages to save fifteen of the troops that fell under his command purely by ill luck. Kaidan felt that people in his command seemed to fall under that ill luck a lot.

They made him Lieutenant second class. Kaidan took it for what it was while, in the back of his mind, he had started to think that maybe this was all leading him somewhere. He wondered if his dad would be proud of him this time or if he would simply say that Kaidan hadn't managed to save them all, or earn the Star of Terra like Malcolm Shepard, the big damn war hero, in his heroic stand on the front line that won them the fight. The biggest victory that he could take away from the Blitz had been that he hadn't killed a living sole using his biotics. Foolish perhaps, suicidal even when their ammo had begun to run low, stupid in fact when he managed to get himself stabbed in the leg in close combat when they were flanked...but there was something there, something he couldn't see past and it scared him maybe even more than the thought of dying.

Rahna's eyes, terrified and blank, when he had sent Vyrrnus flying twenty feet across the room, through two tables, a plate glass divider and then into the wall. When his neck had snapped Kaidan would never know but, somewhere deep down inside, where he hid everything he couldn't handle, he knew, he knew, that Vyrnnus had been dead the moment Kaidan's tremendous terrified power had hit him. The rest had just added damage to a corpse. Kaidan had snapped his neck before the turian's feet had even left the ground. It had been the single most brutal thing he had ever done and, even though battle had hardened him, he didn't like to think that he could or wanted to ever be that cold, hard and unfeeling again.

He wouldn't say it had been the best time of his life, but then it wasn't the worst either. He wasn't really sure how to classify it. He hadn't made any friends but he hadn't made any enemies either. Everyone was still really...nice. Even those who owed him their lives never seemed to make any connection with him, which Kaidan couldn't really understand. At one point he had even felt the need to ask one of his subordinates, a woman named Sam Henessy who had a great sense of humour and sharp eyes, just why that was. After he got his answer he knew he shouldn't have asked someone who was willing to answer him truthfully.

"Hey, you're scarier than you think you are," she said, obviously thinking it was a joke, "we step out of line and who knows whose neck'll get..."

The sound she'd used to accompany the jerking motion across her throat was akin to snapping celery, a crunching crack that made Kaidan's mouth go dry and his stomach take a moment to flip the full three hundred and sixty degrees. He knew there had been rumours about him but he hadn't realised, until that point, why everyone was so goddamn nice. They were scared of him, of the rumour of Vyrnnus's murder, of the wild scaremongering that surrounded the instability of the L2's, even of his rise through the ranks that had him pulling himself up to Lieutenant in only three years. He didn't have respect, he had wary fear which stemmed from nothing but rumour and circumstance.

He had put in for a transfer that evening. His superior, Captain Ambrose, had been concerned and confused but perhaps not fully unaware of why. He had tried to convince Kaidan to stay and, for the first time since he had joined the Systems Alliance Military, he had felt strangely wanted, even if only for ten minutes. Ambrose gave in and, as a parting gift, the likes of which Kaidan didn't think he'd ever be able to repay the man for, the Captain recommended him for a placement on a newly opened post on one of the new flagships of the Alliance.

"I hear Anderson is a fine Captain and a good man, and the Normandy is cutting edge. I hate to lose you Lieutenant Alenko, but if I have to then I won't see you wasted."

Anderson, it turned out, was more than just a good man and a good Captain, he was a great man and an outstanding Captain. For the first time in his life Kaidan felt as if he was somewhere he actually belonged, on a advanced ship with the most progressive technology and, as far as he could tell, a progressive captain. Up until that point in his military career his biotics history had always seemed like it was something to be ashamed of. Now, under Anderson's honest and commanding gaze, Kaidan felt it was a boon.

"You come highly recommended, Lieutenant," Anderson had said as Kaidan stood to attention before the man in the officer's lounge on the Citadel, "and Ambrose is a good friend of mine, he isn't a man prone to over-exaggeration. I expect great things from you."

"Yes sir," Kaidan had replied with a sharp salute.

He would expect great things because he was pushed to do great things. Anderson was a passionate man, he cared about his crew to an extent that Kaidan had never seen, running that tricky but fine line between Captain and friend, but never crossing it. The crew admired him for it, put him on a bit of a pedestal for it, and Kaidan couldn't help but agree. The man had integrity and he passed that down the chain of command, all the way to the Servicemen at the bottom rung. Kaidan found that the crew of the Normandy was just as good as their Captain, and he even managed to find himself falling into the odd poker night, or even bumping into people on shore leave and being able to hide his surprise when they were interested in talking. Anderson's crew became his crew and, for the first time in a long time, Kaidan remembered what it was like to care.

"Well what about Shepard? He grew up in the colonies."

Udina's voice was unsure but, at the same time, a little frustrated. They had been there for five hours already and no headway had been made, mainly because, as far as Kaidan could see, Captain Anderson and Councillor Udina would have difficulty agreeing on what to order for lunch, never mind who to recruit for the role of candidate for first human Spectre.

In truth Kaidan didn't really know why he was there. Anderson had asked him to come because he hated talking to Udina alone, but so far Kaidan had found he was nothing more than an ornament in the room to whom Anderson could direct withering looks whenever Udina wasn't watching. He was tired, hungry and the light in Udina's office was too bright for his liking. He could feel a headache building behind his eyes, deep inside his temples, and the slow throb there didn't bode well. So when Anderson perked up at Udina's suggestion of this Shepard and his face lit up a little as he scanned through Shepard's history and military service record on the data pad in his hands, Kaidan couldn't help but hope that this man was the one they were looking for.

"Yes, Shepard..." Anderson said, his voice a little distant as his eyes scanned the glowing screen; Kaidan chanced a look at the small, regulation picture in the top corner of the screen but was only given a quick glimpse before Anderson moved to the next page, "if there's anyone out there who knows how tough life can be, well, he lost his parents to the raid on Mindoir, was awarded the Star of Terra on for his service during the Blitz, and on Akuze..."

"He saw every other member of his unit die on Akuze," Udina interrupted, sounding strangely sympathetic, a new one on Kaidan, "he could have some serious emotional scars, PTSD..."

"Every soldier has scars," Anderson argued back; there was a sign of vehemence in Anderson's usual calm, professional demeanour which, in the long run, only made Kaidan more curious about who would inspire that sort of loyalty from the man who wasn't on the Normandy crew, "Shepherd's a survivor."

"Is that the sort of person we want protecting the galaxy?" Udina argued; but you suggested him, Kaidan thought to himself with a sigh, honestly Udina you're the worst sort of devil's advocate.

"That's the only sort of person who can protect the galaxy," Anderson replied flatly.

"Well," Udina said, looking a little annoyed as he scanned the multiple data pads strewn over his desk, all of the candidates who weren't up to snuff; oh please just tell me we've found someone suitable, Kaidan thought. He had to keep himself from sighing in relief when Udina said, peremptorily, "I'll make the call. So far he's the only one with enough experience and clout to even consider. Make the Normandy ready, Captain, and I'll have Shepard shuttled to you once I have him checked out."

Kaidan followed Captain Anderson out of the Councillor's office and waited for the doors to fully close before he spoke.

"If I may speak candidly sir..." he started, waiting for Anderson to nod his approval as they continued their swift walk to the central elevators, "wasn't that a bit of a rash decision?"

"What do you mean Lieutenant?" Anderson asked plainly as they stopped and he called the elevator.

"I mean..." damn I'm hesitating a lot lately, Kaidan thought, but he was never really sure how far he could push his familiarity with Anderson, "that you seemed to know your man when you saw him, sir."

"And so will you, Lieutenant Alenko," was the only reply he was given as the elevator doors swished open and they walked inside.

The first time he met Malcolm Shepard, Kaidan wouldn't say he was at his best. After he and Captain Anderson had returned to the Normandy to prepare for the test run Udina wanted for his new candidate, Kaidan knew that it was one of those headaches. The migraine grew slowly but steadily, building in pressure behind his eyes until it spread and joined the throbbing pain in his temples. It was all he could do just to stay upright, never mind think clearly, by the time he heard the announcement from Anderson over the comm. His training normally helped but, for some reason, today was not a good day.

I didn't even push myself that hard earlier, Kaidan thought as he walked carefully along the hallway, keeping his eyes half-lidded, while he headed for the Captain's cabin. He'd popped two vials of the painkillers Doctor Chakwas had prescribed him, the hard stuff, and hoped for the best. Sure he had started his day by doing his biotic exercises and, yes, alright, maybe he had pushed it a little far when he had tried to reassemble his gun using just his telekinesis but...well, there was no but. He had been cocky and now he was paying for it and, as far as things went, Kaidan wasn't sure when he'd ever learn when enough was enough.

"It's good to see you again Shepard," Kaidan heard Anderson's voice slide into being as the doors opened and he, carefully, edged his way into the room, keeping his eyes focused on his Captain and only vaguely making out the other man standing in the room, "Ah, lieutenant. Executive Officer Shepard, this is Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, stationed here on the Normandy."

Kaidan wished the Captain had waited a little longer for introductions. He forced his eyes fully open, grit his teeth, hard, took two steady steps forwards and saluted smartly before standing to attention, hands clasped behind his back. Shepard returned the salute and Kaidan forced himself to focus on a single feature of the man's face to stop his world from buzzing around the edges, hoping his stare wasn't too intense. At the moment Shepard's blue eyes were the only thing stopping Kaidan from making the most spectacularly bad first impression in the history of the galaxy. The painkillers were beginning to kick in then, Kaidan thought as the nausea grew. Bad side effect but he would take that over the pain any day.

"It's an honour to meet you Executive Officer," Kaidan said as he tried his best to ignore the vile nausea that was rolling its way around his system.

"And you Lieutenant," Shepard said with an air of polite indifference, the likes of which Kaidan used to be accustomed to, before turning back to Anderson. Rather than being insulted Kaidan was simply glad that the focus was off of him.

"Well, the lieutenant will see you to your temporary quarters Executive Officer," Anderson said with only imperceptible hesitation; Kaidan looked to him and caught only the tail end of a glance too long. Anderson knew then, and Kaidan just hoped it was because his superior had come to know him well enough and not because Kaidan himself was bad at hiding it, "we're due to do our test run tomorrow at 0900 hours. Debrief at 0730 in the main comm. room."

"Yes Sir," Shepard said, saluting once more.

Everything was a little too sharp and clear all of a sudden. Kaidan couldn't focus on details. He managed to nod to Shepard and turn to lead him to the main elevators, but he couldn't talk. He had visions of vomiting if he opened his mouth and, thus, was never more thankful for the fact that the big damn war hero, Executive Officer Shepard, was a quiet man.

Two hours later, when Kaidan was on duty in the co-pilots chair, and Joker asked, contentiously as usual, if the Executive Officer was taller than he looked in the pictures, Kaidan couldn't rightly answer. He had no memory of the Executive Officer's face or stature, other than he seemed to be professional and he had blue eyes. He had said that Joker should really wait and see for himself before jumping to any conclusions.

They had a formal introduction of the Executive Officer to the crew that night, in the shuttle bay, when Kaidan was feeling vastly more human than he had a few hours before. The pain killers had kicked in and the side effects had worn off. It was only after the migraine had gone that Kaidan realised that he hadn't had a migraine that severe in years. He would have to sit down, later, and think through what he had done that might have caused such a reaction. Isolating the catalyst was all he could do at this point, so he could make sure that he never did anything like that again.

"I'm honoured to be working with you all," Shepard's speech was short, concise and, ostensibly, rather formulaic as far as Kaidan was concerned, "on this, the finest ship in the fleet...". Why on earth are we doing this song and dance anyway? Kaidan thought, It's not like I got to make a speech when I came on board. He wasn't jealous, far from it, just irritated by the scene. It stank of red tape, and Kaidan hated bureaucracy as much as the next soldier. I'm hoping XO Shepard feels the same way, he thought, if his speech is anything to go by.

Kaidan zoned out, only half listening, in favour of finally studying Shepard now that his eyes didn't feel like they were about to explode out of his skull. He had positioned himself to the far left of the ships company, all with their eyes focused on Shepard and Anderson. Kaidan wouldn't say he was taller than he had expected, in fact he thought they were probably much of a muchness in height. Shepard's hair was close shaved, marine standard issue, his face surprisingly unscarred considering his reputation as a cagey, grizzled war veteran who had survived the Blitz and the thresher maw attack on Akuze. His eyes were blue though, Kaidan was happy enough that he'd managed to remember that fact correctly.

"It's Lieutenant Alenko, isn't it?"

He had been so absorbed in trying his best to overclock the microframe to boost the shield enhancements in his Logic Arrest mark III omnitool, bent over weapons bench with his nose almost flat against it, that he would admit it took a lot of control not to jump out of his skin when the XO's voice sounded from right above him. He stood up a little too quickly and reached out to steady himself on the workbench.

"I...yes sir," Kaidan said, saluting quickly.

"At ease Lieutenant," Shepard said, raising his hands and shaking his head softly, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Sorry sir," Kaidan said; he had intended to say more but, in truth, he didn't know what else to say. Instead he left the next move up to Shepard.

"No need to apologise Lieutenant," Shepard said, "I'll level with you, I'm not very good with names so, if I call you something completely wrong, please don't humour me. I'd rather remember it properly."

Once more, Kaidan wasn't sure what to say. What had happened to the man he'd met two days ago, the slightly uptight, professional, bureaucratic officer who kept himself to himself? Kaidan had seen him around the Command deck, sometimes in the Mess, usually eating alone, and one or two times down in the Shuttle Bay with Captain Anderson, looking over the Mako. Other than that, there was nothing to make Kaidan think Shepard would turn up behind him all of a sudden and try to have a casual conversation. And here I thought I was a good judge of character, Kaidan thought.

"So, please don't be offended," Shepard continued, "it's...Keiran Alenko, am I right?"

"Kaidan, sir," Kaidan corrected him.

"Kaidan, of course," Shepard said with an almost imperceptible lift to the sides of his mouth, "Well, Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, I've heard you're the man to talk to about upgrading this."

Shepard extended his left arm and the orange glow of his omni-tool flared silently into life. Kaidan nodded shortly and, without preamble, quickly began assessing his XO's equipment. The thought made him want to laugh but it would be too juvenile. He was just glad it gave him a chance to ignore the oddly awkward vibe that he and Shepard seemed to have created.

"Well, sir," Kaidan said as he ran his fingers lightly across the light interface, "I don't want to sound out of line, but this is a very old model."

"Which is why I was hoping for some upgrades," Shepard said, sounding a little more as Kaidan had expected him to, reserved and professional, "I don't like the idea of being behind the times on board the most cutting edge ship in the fleet, Lieutenant."

"Oh, no, I didn't mean..." Kaidan felt the awkwardness rising, "sorry, sir. What I meant to say is that I can do better than an upgrade. I can get you outfitted with a whole new rig."

"Is that so Lieutenant?" the XO asked, sounding curious but very interested.

"Of course, sir," Kaidan said, feeling a little more at ease talking about something he knew inside out, "the Bluewire you're using is quite good for boosting your shield signal but it lacks the finesse of more recent models. It's a difficult model to upgrade and it takes a lot of time and money to get it to any acceptable standard. We do, however, have a contract with Ariake Technologies. I can get you outfitted with the same rig I use; as far as I'm concerned, you can't come by a more reliable rig than the Logic Arrest."

"Well, looks like I certainly have some to the right man," Shepard said, looking pleased, "I'll follow your lead on this Lieutenant."

"Leave it with me sir," Kaidan said, already running through in his head what enhancements would suit the XO, "you're a front line fighter, aren't you sir?"

"Why do you ask?" Shepard said, the slightest of frown on his brow.

"Just to make sure I enhance the right things, sir," Kaidan said, noting Shepard's slight, but still noticeable, defensiveness, "I need to know what you put priority on. I myself focus on shield effectiveness and regeneration, and maximum effectiveness for my amp. I'm guessing you're more interested in slicking the response time between your weapons and the omni-tool interface. It'll make the tech abilities respond faster."

"Shields are a priority for me too, Lieutenant," Shepard said, his brow smoothing out, but the curiosity in his gaze didn't leave him, "so you use an amp; you're a biotic?"

Why would that possibly make me feel exposed, Kaidan thought as he watched the XO watch him back. It had been a long time since he'd felt anxiety at the thought of someone finding out he was a biotic. He'd become used to not caring what people thought, yet all of a sudden he felt...worried.

"Yes, sir," Kaidan said, feeling himself becoming defensive to a point; what is wrong with me? He thought, "Does that bother you?"

"Why should it?" Shepard replied, raising an eyebrow, "I just like to know the people I work with. We may end up fighting together one day Lieutenant, I find it a tactical advantage to understand the strengths and weaknesses of those watching my back."

"I, I mean...of course sir," Christ can I make this conversation any more awkward? Am I making up for not throwing up on him when we met by talking myself into a black hole now? "sorry, I just, sometimes people aren't too thrilled when they find out."

"Well then they're obviously fools," Shepard said succinctly, "any soldier I have known in the field would give their right arm to have a biotic in their squad. You're an indispensible asset, Lieutenant Alenko."

"...Thank you, sir," Kaidan said once he had processed the compliment, forceful as it was, and found that it was really rather flattering, considering as far as he knew his XO knew nothing of his fighting prowess, "that means a lot."

"Don't get carried away Lieutenant," Shepard threw him another disarming 'almost' smile, "bring me the new model when it's ready, I'll be in my quarters until 1400."

"Yes, sir," Kaidan said, watching Shepard turn and walk towards the central elevator.

He watched him enter and only turned away when he realised that he'd been staring at the man for the entire time, and when Shepard turned around in the elevator and caught Kaidan's eye, he knew he'd been staring. For Christ's sake Alenko, Kaidan chided, what is the matter with you? Somebody pays you a complement and you go all gooey eyed. He turned back to the workbench and retrieved his omni-tool, ready to make his way over to the requisitions officer in the shuttle bay to request the schematics and updates for the newest Logic Arrest mark III.

"Is it just me, or is the new XO very easy on the eyes?"

Caroline Grenado may have been a good, no a great, engineer but Kaidan never was entirely happy with her level of familiarity. Perhaps it was because he found it unprofessional, but he knew that is was more likely to be his own problem with not being able to be fully easy with familiarity. He wished he could be that laid back.

"He certainly looks every inch the war hero," Kaidan replied diplomatically, even if he thought that Shepard was surprisingly normal so far, considering everything he had been through.

"That wasn't what I meant," Caroline said with a sigh, "honestly Alenko, you have no imagination."

"That's Lieutenant Alenko, Engineer Grenado," Kaidan said with a significant look, "I have to go to requisitions. Could you tell Adams It'll be another couple of hours until I can make it down to engineering?"

"Of course sir," Caroline said, losing some of her laid back attitude long enough to seem respectful.

He walked towards the other end of the storage bay, while his eyes flicked towards the elevator as he did so. One thing could be said for his time on the Normandy, his life was never boring.

AN: Sorry to those awaiting an update for the DA fic. I have been finally playing ME3 and, well, I just had to write this. I've always loved Kaidan's character from ME1 and, ever since EA and Bioware finally made him a love interest for the male Shepard, well, let's say I was very happy because he's the perfect foil for my Shepard in the game. Other than Garrus of course, but everyone loves Garrus.