Author's note: after watching Dead Snow 2 I couldn't help but feel sorry for Herzog; he just wanted to get things done... Also, his 'fuck-you-I-have-zee-superior-rank' attitude is hilarious.
«And why an archaeologist?», any possible reader asks. And I answer... my archaeologist was supposed to be a journalist, but then I thought «Why would a guy like Herzog keep a journalist alive?», and it's an historical fact that Nazis adored archaeologists.
Thus, this story was created.
English is my second language, and German is just the third so... I'm very sorry for any mistakes.
They had had all that work to gather valuable things... and now some bunch of idiots had taken everything away! Anyway, not everything was bad, they had managed to retrieve... one from 180 boxes...
Herzog let out a sigh, because he was used to sigh, and not sighing would be awkward. In fact, trying to stop himself from 'breathing' would be awkward and take a lot of time, time that he didn't have at the moment. There were too many things to be done, and now that he had been bothered to come halfway down the mountain... going down the other half wouldn't be a problem:
-retrieve the missing 179 boxes
-retrieve the coin taken by the one-armed thief
-find ammo, because unlike some of his men appear to think, machine-guns are way more effective with them
-find his Mauser, he surely dropped it somewhere... and it can't be difficult to find a Mauser in a snowy mountain
With a snort, Herzog followed the deep footprints the one-armed thief had left. His soldiers followed him.
He had retrieved the missing coin, but had lost an arm. Stupid thief, first his loot and now his arm; Herzog would not be that generous when they met again. But as a booby prize, he had gotten the thief's arm. Not as good as his own arm, of course, but it had to do, at least to salute his victorious troops.
Now that the coin was safe, he suddenly realised he still had to erase that little village from the face of the earth, and for that he would need more men. He was an experienced fighter, he knew better than taking just some dozens of men into an urban conflict. Accomplishing the village mission would automatically give him the time and the perfect occasion to gather more loot, and maybe ammo, and then he could go rescue his Mauser.
But the thing was... he needed men, real men, not skeletons. That was a painful blow and Herzog decided he needed to rest from such a busy day to decide what to do now. And as he and his troops made their way back to their cave, moving quickly and quietly in the forest, Herzog saw something that caught his attention.
Agnes locked the door behind her, adjusting the shovel on her shoulder and the folded plastic under her arm. She could have done that yesterday and already be on her way home with her colleagues, but she had volunteered to finish the job alone. It wasn't that hard, and she would appreciate a lot the time alone. So she made her way to the small archaeological site she was in charge of, not very distant from the small hut her team had rented to be their headquarters during that week. The place was beautiful, a forest in the base of some snowy mountains in Øksfjord. The archaeological site was nothing exceptional, though; just a big runestone that had been found in the place where someone wanted the garden of a to be hut. So there went the archaeologists to save the stone, register the context and then cover it with a plastic, hoping it would keep the context safe from the works to build both garden and hut.
To anyone else it was just a square in the ground, surrounded by piles of boards and a few working material, but for Agnes it was a little bit of ground with History, and she would like to know if there were more runestones nearby, because they were not supposed to be there. She covered the small square with the plastic and began to bury it with the dirt the men had removed to install pluming.
And she was so lost in thoughts that she nearly didn't see him. But she did, and stopped what she was doing to take a better look: a man dressed in a Nazi uniform. SS uniform, more precisely. SS-Totenkopf, now that he was getting closer. An officer, certainly. It was a very good costume, and the make-up wasn't that bad too. Maybe just a guy looking for the place of the zombie-themed party, but Agnes had no idea of such event.
Herzog took her curiosity and lack of fear as a good sign; that could only mean she recognised allies and, therefore, was worthy of the task. He stopped in front of her and only the semi-buried square stood between them. He saluted her like a true German gentleman and, much for his pleasure, she saluted back with a smile:
"Heil Hitler," he growled. She kept smiling; cool trick with the voice:
"Heil Hitler," she replied, amused. Then they just stared at each other, and she had the time to conclude his make-up, or mask, was really good. Too good. A shiver went down her spine when her hazel eyes met his blue's, and she couldn't tell what impressed her the most; if the intensity or the fierce shine of his eyes.
"Sie sind eine Archäologin," (You are an archaeologist.) he stated. Better, he growled, slowly. This time Agnes frowned:
"Ja..." (Yes...) she confirmed; why speaking German in Norway? She tried to look away and find a hidden camera or see someone coming from among the trees saying 'Ha, you got pranked!', but she just couldn't look away from... that man. Because that was a man in a costume. Totally a man in a costume. This had been interesting, but now it was getting awkward and Agnes would gladly avoid awkward situations with people.
He bypassed the square and she tightened her grip on the shovel. Herzog noticed that and the thought of being attacked by a delicate young woman with a shovel amused him. He raised both hands:
"Ich bin ein Freund!" (I am a friend!) he exclaimed. Growled. She tilted her head and he stopped at a few distance from her, and Agnes felt a sudden stench of death. "Und ich brauche Seine Hilfe." (And I need your help.)
"Wozu?" (What for?) And he took a step forward and she didn't flinch. Much. She wouldn't show fear. "Wer sind Sie? Und warum sprechen Sie Deutsch, wir sind in Norwegen!" (Who are you? And why do you speak German, we're in Norway!)
He didn't answer, instead grabbed one of her hands and pressed it against his neck. She was about to kick him, but then she felt something; there was no blood running through his jugular and heck, touching his skin felt like touching an ice cube. They were close enough that she could feel his breath, and it was... cold:
"Sie sind tot!" (You are dead!) she muttered the most logical conclusion, widening her eyes. Her knees gone weak and she would have fallen if the shovel wasn't there and if the man... creature... wasn't still holding her hand. "Wie? Was ist los?" (How? What's happening?)
"Es spielt keine Rolle..." (It doesn't matter...) he assured, grinning. He let her hand go and she looked at it, feeling it abnormally cold. He then showed her a coin, a Reichmark with the imperial eagle and the swastika. She frowned, looking at it carefully, and then handed it back to the man. Dead man. Living-dead man, whatever. "Ich hatte mehr... Ich muss sie finden." (I had more... I must find them.)
She just looked at him. Herzog sighed; apparently women were still complicated, and he really needed this one; archaeologists were a prized possession, their knowledge about the evolution of the superior race and how to find lost things was priceless:
"Fräulein Archäologin, ich besuche Seine Hilfe," (Lady archaeologist, I need your help.) His grin widened, and suddenly even the skull on his officer cap seemed to do the same. "Ich habe einen Krieg zu gewinnen," (I have a war to win.). Agnes was still quiet, and he added. Growled. "Sie werden Belohnt." (You will be rewarded.)
She bit her lower lip, the Indiana Jones that every archaeologist has in themselves demanding for an adventure with someone or something that was apparently a Nazi. A Nazi zombie, that could only mean more adventure. Ignoring the awkwardness and ridiculousness of the situation - being approached by a zombie wanting to hire her - and throwing caution to the wind, Agnes smiled and nodded; she was curious about this «Nazi treasure» and the opportunity to deal with artefacts other than pre-Historical ones seemed exciting:
"Ja!" (Yes!) It was everything she managed to say. And she couldn't tell if she should feel even more enthusiastic or be very afraid of the dead man's grin, that got even wider:
"Gut," (Good.) He looked at the square, curiously. "Was war das?" (What was that?)
"Ein Runenstein, 800 vor Christus," (It was a runestone, 800 CE.) she explained enthusiastically and was about to tell her audience about runestones, but Herzog glanced at her again and raised a hand, interrupting her:
"Sie verdienen schönen Dinge. Kommen Sie, bitte," (You deserve finer things. Come with me.)
Agnes made a note to self to always carry a bag with a jacket, because it was ridiculously cold, even though it was a sunny day. Besides, her work trousers were getting damp and the cold was slowly creeping inside, to her legs. Igoring the cold, Agnes thought the freezing environment could explain the zombie's practically perfect preservation. That and the fact of him being a relatively recent corpse. Walking corpse. Maybe he was even too well preserved...:
"Ich weiß nicht Ihren Namen," (I don't know your name.) Herzog stated, glancing over his shoulder:
"Agnes," she managed to reply between chattering teeth. He nodded:
"Standartenführer Herzog," the zombie presented himself.
They climbed some more, until Agnes noticed the entrance of a cave hidden by the snow. For a moment, she allowed herself to hope to find a zombie Viking or a zombie Neanderthal, because in the light of Nazi zombies, any kind of zombie seemed perfectly acceptable. Herzog got in and she trotted after him, just to conclude it was much warmer outside:
"Wohnen Sie hier?" (Do you live here?) she asked, looking around. It looked like an ordinary cave, with a low ceiling littered with sharp stalactites. It was deeper than what she had previously thought and the long passageway was illuminated by only one fire torch:
"Wir wohnen hier," (We live here.) Herzog corrected as they reached a bifurcation. He signaled her to take a look into the left hollow, and what she saw was a huge and dark space illuminated by two fire torches, with maybe 40 soldiers walking around or just sitting on the ground. There was a tattered Nazi flag hanging under one of the torches and things that looked like grenades and fire-arms and helmets were scattered on the ground. One of the soldiers, who was sitting close to the opening, came to stand right in front of her and opened his mouth, dripping blood all over his filthy uniform, blue eyes wide with a predatory shine. Before Agnes could react a gloved hand hit the soldier and his jaw snapped painfully. The soldier half-whimpered, half-snarled something like 'Scheiße!'
All the soldiers looked at her, and she felt smaller and looked over at Herzog, not knowing what to do:
"Sie ist keine Nahrung!" (She's no food!) the Standartenführer warned his men, raising a threatening index finger. A disapproving growl reverberated through the cave. "Sie ist eine Archäologin, und sie wird uns helfen!" (She's an archaeologist and she will help us!) He grabbed her arm and pulled her to the hollow at the right side of the bifurcation, a much smaller cave that was clearly his personal space; it had a field bed and a huge stalagmite in the middle of the cave, that Herzog had turned into a table by placing a wooden box over it. A candle burned over a helmet placed near the field bed.
He grabbed the box and opened it in front of her:
"Ich hatte 180..." (I had 180...) he explained. "Sie müssen die anderen finden." (You must find the others.)
"Sie können überall sein, es wird Zeit brauchen!" (They can be anywhere, it will take time!) Agnes wrapped her arms around her torso, trying to ignore the unbearable cold. "Aber... ich kann..." (But... I can...) Yes, she could do that... She would start with a bibliographical research about the subject.
"Gut! Sehr gut!" (Good, very good!) Herzog nodded and closed the box, eyes shiny in the dark. Then he frowned. "Nein... Zunächst Sie müssen mir helfen, um mehr Soldaten zu finden." (No... First you must help me to find more soldiers.)
She frowned too, but nodded; that was way easier than looking for boxes or only the boxes' content, piece by piece:
"Ich weiß vieler gute Orte," (I know many good places.) she replied. Herzog nodded. "Wann muss ich anfangen?" (When do I begin?)
"Morgen," (Tomorrow.) the Standartenführer decided. He placed the box on the 'table' and walked away. Agnes followed him and didn't really expected him to take her back to the place where they had met. "Hier bei 7," (Here, at seven a.m.) She just nodded and watched him leave.
"Herr Standartenführer, did the cold affect your reasoning?" The field Doctor asked Herzog when he reached the cave's entrance. Herzog rose a hairless eyebrow. A few heads lurked from the dark and bets were made. "What was that?"
"A lady archaeologist, did the cold affect your sight?" Herzog answered, looking away from the Doctor to the snowy mountains, admiring the beautiful day:
"She's alive!"
"Jealous?" And with that the Doctor gave up and walked away, rambling something under his breath. Herzog heard his soldiers growl angrily, some of them were bad losers. He grinned, eyes lost in the sky; of course she was alive... for now; if he succeeded in his revenge, he would kill her painlessly and then offer her the Eternity to work for him, which was an irrecusable offer because he knew all women's secret wish was to be young, beautiful and useful forever. On the other hand, if he failed that would only mean she was useless and hadn't find the right soldiers, and for that she would die, permanently.
* all those 'Sie's and -en endings mean it's a formal conversation.
Weeeeeee, review?