Dear Kurt,

Here I am, writing another letter you won't ever read. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just accept the situation for what it is?

I'm lonely. There's no other way for me to say it. I could right click and look for synonyms, but it is what it is. I'm lonely.

I see you and how proud you are of who you are. I admire your spirit, your personality, your confidence, your everything.

I just wish that I had it in me to be the same.

You're wonderful, Kurt. Since I've met you, I've found light where previously, all I'd ever known was darkness. And that sounds cliche and so horribly expressed, but that's exactly how I've been feeling. You make me laugh in the weirdest of situations - like that time we made snow angels on campus at Dalton. You make me smile so much so that my cheeks begin to burn, but I don't even mind. My songwriting journal is filled with lyrics just describing you and your laugh and the moments we've had together. I wish I had the courage to actually tell you this, face to face, but I don't. Truth be told, I don't think I'll ever have it.

Because what if I mess this up? What if I ruin everything that makes just breathing worthwhile?

Forget Jeremiah - that was just one of those lust-driven moments of insanity. And the minute it was all over, and I'd been humiliated, I realised just how stupid I'd been. But really? I knew it was insane from the beginning, didn't I?

I saw it in myself, in the mirror, everyday.

Here's where get brutally honest - and I'm not holding back here, because hey, this is something you'll never read so it doesn't matter anyway.

After meeting you, I began spending an extra 15 minutes getting ready, just in case I'd see you along the way.

After meeting you, I began trying to teach myself how to make non-fat mocha lattes from the Dalton kitchens, just in case.

After meeting you, I began memorising every move you'd make - the way you'd fix your hair when you were nervous, the way you'd pat your knees when you were bored, the way the corner of your lip would twitch before you'd laugh…

After meeting you, I began trying to convince myself that you were in fact, real, and that you wouldn't just up and leave me when the going got tough.

We were friends. We still are. And that's all we'll ever be, despite me so desperately wanting more. I can't risk losing you. I can't risk it at all. Because as much as this is killing me now, I think that if I went just two days without talking to you now, I would crumble.

I don't even know what I'm saying, thinking or doing anymore. All I know is that I need you in my life, as close as humanly possible.

I won't mention how that Alexander McQueen scarf brings out your beautiful eyes, or how those new Armani jeans accentuate your shape. I won't dare tell you that your hair is perfectly style or that the plaid shirt your wearing just hugs you so well.

Instead, I'll settle with a "You look nice" or a sarcastic comment that I hope you can find the compliment hidden beneath. Because that's all I can do.

If I overstep the boundaries, it'll all be gone.

Yet I've let myself become reliant on you. A single text from you is all it takes to brighten my mood. You send a wink face emoticon and I get all blushed and embarrassed, even though I know it's harmless. You put little 'x's' and 'o's' next to your name when you text to say goodnight and it takes all of my self control not to text back with a great, big, fat, I love you.

But what if I did actually send that text?

What if you actually knew how I felt?

I don't know, Kurt. All I know is that the smell of the coffee shop we frequent lingers on blazer and I spend hours on end just sitting there, smelling it and remembering every single second of the coffee trip. I remember the people we talked about, the homework we complained about, the bullies we bitched about and the laughs we shared.

I think I'll always stay in the background. I'll always watch you shine, Kurt. Because as much as I need you in my life, the thought of a life without you in my life is almost unbearable.

I think we're best friends now? I hope we are. I love how close we've become. I love that you trust me so deeply. I love your beautiful voice and the way your eyes pierce into mine when you smile. I love the way your stunning complexion is tinted with the lightest of pinks when you lose yourself for a moment and laugh. I love that I'm the first person you come to to talk about your problems.

I love that you know I'm here for you.

And I always will be, Kurt.

I'll always be here for you.

Even if, in a few years time, I can't be the one putting a ring on your finger and promising to love you forever in front of everyone we know and love.

I'll still be here for you.

Love always,

Blaine.