He still remembers it.
Every detail, every second.
Like a movie played in slow motion. Where the character miraculously dodges hundreds of bullets with a smug smile.
But this wasn't a movie.
And, as opposed to the lucky actors who play and the bullets that can't hurt them, he couldn't dodge those which his boyfriend shot at him.
He still remembers it.
The harsh words Dan spat out. How scared he felt. Because it felt like it was tearing apart at the seams. As if what they've got was slowly tearing to shreds. And he couldn't do anything about it.
He still remembers it.
How it was building up to this point. And how one day, the levee broke and all the unspoken, unvoiced words and thoughts flew out all at once. It hurt. It hurt a lot because they've been in such synchrony, they've been inseparable and now it- -
He still remembers it.
The shock. How his face looked like upon realising what he'd just said. As if he were surprised himself.
"You don't mean it," he choked out. Hopeful it was just a slip out. Like many of the slip outs that have happened when they filmed together.
He still remembers it.
The first night after. Dan slammed shut the doors to his room and silence fell upon their apartment. And he stood there, in the lounge, like a complete fool. Uncapable of saying a word, uncapable of moving, uncapable of doing pretty much anything.
He couldn't even cry. He curled under a blanket, wishing for sleep to take his mind into another world, into one where nothing like their fight has ever happened. And he stared. He stared into space, wondering, trying to figure out where did it go wrong.
Yes, they had their ups and downs, but who didn't? Was there any couple out there who could solve their problems just like that, with a flick of their fingers? Yet, he should have expected it. He should have. Because lately the pressure began to wear down both of them. They pushed on, though. They fought. Together. Together they were inseparable and insuperable. Together. . .
He still remembers it.
How odd it felt to suddenly lose that contact. It was not as much as about the sex - which was absolutely amazing, if anyone asked - as it was about those little things.
Waking up together and saying 'Good morning'. Ruffling his hair when he scrolled through Tumblr. And seeing his smile, that dimple showing up as he'd tilt his head to the side and his eyes would crinkle at the corners and he'd look so damn good and- -
He still remembers it.
The first month. He missed their usual banter with the first day. He missed how easily they could start a conversation about everything and anything. Then. Now, their conversations were anything but comfortable. They didn't flow freely - each word had to be weighed carefully before it left their lips. So they didn't mess it up anymore.
Heartbroken. That's what he were like now.
Good. That was an answer he gave to anyone who asked the dreaded, 'What's up with you two? Are you okay?'
Anything but good, these days he was.
He still remembers it.
The rage. The anger. He stared at his reflection and though his eyes would fill with fury, tears welled up in his blues and he couldn't see himself anymore. Where did it go wrong?
Where did he mess up, he couldn't tell anymore.
But he still was furious. God help him, he was furious.
What if there was a simple solution?
What if they had this conversation earlier? Would they be able to work through it? Without everything coming to it, to saying words they couldn't take back and- -
He still remembers it.
When a month has passed. A month. But he couldn't get over it, couldn't get over Dan. Would he ever be able to look at anyone else and think similar things about them? Dan was one in a million. He was. . . he was Dan. That was it. He was warm and he was funny. He was the man who could take his breath away and make his legs wobble. The only one.
He couldn't imagine anyone else beside him.
He still remembers it.
Their first awkward and stuttered, 'I think I'm in love with you'.
And the thousands more when they shared more than a kiss or when they couldn't sleep and they talked till the sun came up. Their voices hushed, words coming out soft, their meaning a huge power, like a casted spell.
And he was sure they could overcome everything the world would throw at them.
That one evening proved it wrong, though. They've gone through the shitstorm that has erupted after the V-day video has leaked out but they couldn't survive a simple argument.
He still remembers it.
It came out of nowhere.
He couldn't tell what led them both to start screaming at each other. Whatever it was, he'd do anything to go back and shut up in the right moment.
Dan looked so broken, so sad, soangry.
"Maybe you'd be happier on your own," he retorted, so fucking angry, so exhausted himself he wanted it to end.
He didn't breathe. Couldn't.
A whisper. It was barely a whisper and Dan's answer was a blow,
"Maybe that's the only way."
He still remembers it.
His throat tightened as he stared at the boy in front of him, the love of his life and his heart ached. It broke into million pieces with each next step Dan took.
Like a movie played in slow motion. When the character miraculously dodges hundreds of bullets with a smug smile.
"You don't mean it. You can't-" he choked out.
Every detail, every second.
Not a word has left Dan's mouth. Didn't need to.
Slamming shut the door to his room was enough of an answer.
He still remembers them. And all that they've conquered together.
He still remembers it. Their little dream come true.
He still remembers Dan. And he doesn't think he can ever forget how fast and naturally he fell in love with him, like they were meant to be.
Phil still remembers them. But them is only a memory.
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