"So, why did you lie about having a fiancé?"
Jellal was startled by Meredy's bluntness, but realized he should have expected they'd hear his conversation with Erza. The other two members of Crime Sorciere always managed to involve themselves in his private business.
Except when it came to one very important thing that he'd miraculously managed to keep hidden over the past few months.
They had no idea that his words had been the truth. Jellal did have a fiancé, and that was something he would prefer not to admit to them yet.
"Isn't it better to be honest?" chimed in Ultear with a small smile. "Or will you continue punishing yourself?"
Jellal thought carefully before replying. "I… cannot fall in love with someone who walks in the light."
It was true, he thought. After all, the one he truly loved wasn't someone who would ever walk in the light.
After a few more friendly jabs about his love life, Ultear and Meredy left the cave they had set up camp in to fetch some water from a nearby stream, or whatever it is Crime Sorciere does most of the time instead of actually helping out with stuff like Tartaros.
Jellal was left on his own to think more about the object of his affections. He still remembered the first time they had met, back when he was still attempting to build the Tower of Heaven.
Before he had hired the assassin's guild Trinity Raven to guard the tower, he had hunted down another legendary killer to hire. The memory of the first cold, lifeless, mocking stare he had been given by that man made Jellal blush.
"Hmm. You want me to work for you? Now, why would I ever do that." The man's lips curled in a smirk. "I don't care about the money. All that matters to me is that there are strong opponents for me to fight."
The assassin vanished in a puff of smoke, and Jellal felt a sharp pressure on his neck. "Sorry, boy… you're not on my level yet."
He lashed out at the presence, but connected with nothing but air.
"As I said, you're not nearly powerful enough yet. But I see potential."
Jellal heard a sound like the man was licking his lips slowly, and got sorta turned on.
A playing card shot through the air like a knife, and lodged itself into the wall next to him with a dull thud. "Come see me in a few years, if you're still alive. Then we can talk."
With the strange man's presence gone, Jellal yanked the card out of the wall to see a phone number written on it.
"Was… was he just hitting on me?"
After he was "released" from prison by Ultear and Meredy with his memories intact, Jellal had finally tracked down that elusive person and things had progressed quickly. Before he knew it, they were engaged.
Letting out a bittersweet sigh, Jellal lied down on the ground, overcome by his feelings for his future husband. Being with Crime Sorciere was important, but it severely limited the time they had together.
When would he see that beautiful red hair again? Those judgmental yellow eyes? The facial tattoos he so loved to stroke?
A familiar presence shocked Jellal, making him jump up in surprise.
"Hello again, my sweet Jelly~" came a voice from across the cave. The light from the fire made shadows dance across the newcomer's white skin.
Jellal stared, and then smiled widely at the sight of his lover. "Hisoka!"
Hisoka gave him a sultry gaze. "I've had an idea, Jelly. Why don't we get married next week? I just don't think I can wait any longer."
The Heavenly Body mage gasped at the thought. "But… are you sure? I haven't even told the others yet, and-"
Hisoka's fingers grazed Jellal's mouth, quieting him. "I'm sure it'll be fine. If they're really your friends, they'll understand."
Jellal gave in to his own desires. "All right. Next week it is."
"I knew you'd agree, my little Jelly-bean." Hisoka stood to leave. "I'll see you then~"
He disappeared, leaving Jellal alone with his thoughts.
Before long, Ultear and Meredy returned. The former seemed surprised when she saw his face. "Did something happen? You look happy."
Jellal took a deep breath. "Ultear, Meredy… I have something to tell you."
The big day was finally there. Hisoka had already used Texture Surprise to change the appearance of his outfit to a fashionable tuxedo, and was currently making vaguely erotic poses at the mirror in his room.
Illumi stared at his self-indulgent performance with dead eyes. "I still don't understand why you would want to get married."
"I don't suppose you would, Illumi." Hisoka did a flawless double spin, and lifted his hands above his head. Playing cards began to fall around him, and he plucked one out of the air.
Revealing it as the Queen of Hearts, Hisoka smiled widely and licked his lips. "It's true love!"
A light began to emanate from his crotch as he leaned back slowly with a terrifyingly blissful expression. "And… Jellal turns me on~!"
Illumi's gaze didn't waver for a second. "If you're serious about this, you should get out there. It's almost time."
"Ah! You're right, as usual." Hisoka gave his outfit a final look-over, and, satisfied, moved towards the door.
A loud smashing sound could be heard from across the building as Illumi broke through the floor and began digging a tunnel. "Good luck."
As he left the changing room and started to walk down the isle, Hisoka glanced around the hall.
On the left side, it was packed with nearly the entirety of Fairy Tail, along with plenty of others he didn't recognize. He spotted Erza making out with her boyfriend Ichiya, and chuckled.
Ultear and Meredy were in the front row, holding a giant 'JELLSOKA 5EVER' sign. Meredy had a huge foam finger, and Hisoka wondered where she had even found it.
On the right, there was a large hole in the floor where Illumi had surfaced, and the assassin himself was sitting inside of it. The rest of the chairs were empty.
Hisoka clucked his tongue. Even little Gon-kun had ignored his invitation? Well, it didn't matter. There was only one person who really needed to be there anyway.
And there he was at the altar, with his gorgeous blue hair partially concealed by a white veil. He practically glowed with happiness and anticipation, just like Hisoka's crotch when he got turned on.
Hisoka was tempted to snag him with his Bungee Gum, which possessed the properties of both rubber and gum, and run away with him right then and there.
But that wasn't necessary. After all, they'd have plenty of time to themselves during their honeymoon.
Jellal spotted him and smiled widely. Hisoka couldn't help but return the expression.
When he finally reached the altar, the minister began. It was a traditional and beautiful ceremony, and by the end there wasn't a dry eye in the house, except for Illumi.
Wendy made for a perfect flower girl, and Illumi stuck a bunch of pins in his face to rearrange his features and crouched down so he'd look like a kid when he presented the rings.
"Are there any who object to this marriage?" the minister asked. "Speak now, or forever hold y-"
"THERE'S ONE RIGHT HERE," bellowed a deep voice from the back of the room, shocking the crowd. "And his name's…"
That voice… Hisoka's eyes widened as he recognized it. He couldn't believe his own ears. After all, he'd taken that man's life years ago.
"…JOHN CENA!" John Cena stood atop his chair and began flexing his big biceps. "Hisoka! Our match isn't over yet, and I can't allow you to marry until it's finished one way or another."
He made a gesture towards Hisoka. "Fight me, you clownish pleb! That is, if you can."
Jellal turned to Hisoka. "Honey, who is this guy? Is there something you've hidden from me?"
Hisoka grabbed his fiancé by the shoulder. "I'm sorry, my Jelly. There are things I haven't told you about myself. Like that fact that John Cena hates my guts and wants me to die. But I promise that I only kept it secret to protect you."
He kept eye contact with his beloved as he pulled out the same playing card that he had shown Illumi. "You're the only queen of my heart, Jellal. And it turns me on~!"
Jellal seemed to understand. "So… we'll have to fight for our love." He grinned, and Hisoka let out a sigh of relief. "Let's go, then!"
He activated Meteor, giving Hisoka time to attach a strand of Bungee Gum, which has the properties of both rubber and gum, to his chest before rocketing towards the intruder.
John Cena roared, and quickly entered a defensive stance. Jellal was coming at him from the left, so that's where he would focus his attention at the moment. His big biceps would be more than enough to repel this assault.
But at the last second, Jellal's flight pattern shifted wildly, sending him careening towards Cena's unprotected right side.
Cena's mouth dropped open. "Impossible! Where are you getting this power?!"
"From my fiancé!" Jellal replied.
Realizing what had happened, John Cena quickly activated Gyo to see that Hisoka was manipulating Jellal's movements with his Nen. "N-noooo!"
Landing a palpable hit, Jellal flew straight backwards and away. John Cena was knocked out of his chair and collapsed with a thud.
As the guests cheered, Jellal landed next to his soon-to-be husband. Hisoka removed the Bungee Gum, which has the properties of both rubber and gum, and swept Jellal into his arms so they could start making out.
The minister coughed, snapping them out of their post-battle high. "Where was I? Oh yes, here we go…"
As the ceremony continued, no-one noticed the dark energy rising from John Cena's body.
"That clown and his boyfriend think they can beat me? The greatest WWE champion in history?!" Cena slowly rose, a wild look on his face.
The minister's speech stopped dead as he saw the wrestler stand, unharmed.
Hisoka and Jellal couldn't believe their eyes. Not only was he still conscious, but he seemed even more powerful than before.
"Wondering where my power-up came from?" Cena shook with laughter. "Fools! You've played right into my hand."
Jellal gasped. "You can't mean…"
John Cena lifted his hand into the air, and black energy swirled in his palm. "That's right. I'm… the Wrestling Dragon Slayer. I feed on the act of fighting itself."
Cena's cheeks bulged as he took in a mighty gasp. "Howl of the Wrestling Dragon!"
A massive wave of power annihilated the altar, vaporizing Hisoka and Jellal. The wedding musicians played a sad banjo song as Hisoka's Queen of Hearts floated to the ground.
John Cena stepped on it and laughed some more. "Hey, you. Minister. Come over here and finish your job."
The minister peeked out from his hiding place under a chair. "B-but… the couple is dead! Who can I declare to be married now?"
Cena winked. "You can declare me… to be the champ!"
Everybody laughed, even Illumi.
Then Ultear and Meredy went home and wrote some JellSoka AU fanfic where they didn't get killed. The end.