Author's Note! New story! Yay! Give me a chance! Pwetty please? I'll be your bestest friend? I'll let you have a Deidara clone? Hey, heads up notice, in my story Tobi is just Tobi, okay? There's no Madara in disguise. It's just…Tobi. Get it?

Disclaimer: if I owned Naruto, I would chance the title to Akatsuki, where I would kidnap every member and clone them and distribute them to my closest friends, reviewers, and…I'd feed them pudding. I'd befriend Tobi and team up with him to annoy Deidara leading to the whole you know Tobi-actually-being-Madara thing there…But I don't so…no clones for you…or me…

"Get back here you bitch!" my brother shouted at me, chasing me up the stairs. I know what you're thinking; he's being mean, right? Well, not really…I kinda deserved it. What did I do, you may ask? Or do you just not care? Too bad I'm telling you anyways… CUE FLASHBACK!

*Flashback*

"Hey, I have a friend over," Sebastian told me. I looked at him in shock, following him into the kitchen, which was mine, by the way. It's MY kitchen. MY house. Mine. Not his. Mine!

"Stephanie, this is my sister Kalika," my brother introduced. "Kika, this is Stephanie."

"Stephanie," I said, testing out the name. "St-eph-an-ie. Stephanie. Sssssssssstephanie. Yes, yes, Stephanie. It's a pretty name."

"Thank you," the girl replied.

"But!" I snapped. "Is it your real name?"

"Um…yes…it is," she looked at me weird.

"Sebastian has a girlfriend."

"Yes, I know," Stephanie replied, nodding.

"Just making sure that my brothers not a cheater-pants…" I said, strolling around the kitchen. I started to do the dishes. I took out a bowl from the kitchen and froze. Why, you may ask. Because it wasn't emptied. It had some melted ice cream and a giant marshmallow in it. And a PLASTIC spoon. Why? Why would someone put a PLASTIC spoon in the sink? I tell them all the time; just throw the plastic utensils away, but do they listen? NO!

The nerve!

I smashed the bowl onto the ground, and spun around quick. "It was you!" I yelled pointing at the girl.

Stephanie's eyes widened in shock. "What do you mean?"

"You put the freaking full bowl of melted ice cream AND a plastic utensil into the sink?" I screeched. "Get out!"

"What?"

"GET! OUT!" I shouted, pointing at the door.

"But…but…" she stammered, looking at Sebastian.

Sebastian sighed. "Kalika, you can't kick people out of my house."

"Your house?" I yelled. "This is MY house! I bought it. I pay the rent! I clean it! You just live here, but this is MY house! And I want that non-bowl clearing, plastic utensil reuser out of my house now!" I yelled, picking up a knife and slamming it into the countertop.

Stephanie—looking like she was about to pee her pants—jumped up and ran out of the house, forgetting her coat. I started laughing—kinda like a mad scientist, but maybe a little off. To me it sounds like Hidan when he laughs.

Sebastian glared at me, and I automatically stopped laughing. "What?" I asked innocently.

"I left the bowl in the sink, not Stephanie," he growled.

"Oh…hahaha…that's…funny?"

He slowly shook his head. "Run." Was all he said, and I did. I ran down the hallway and up the stairs, so now we're all up to date, so END FLASHBACK!

*End Flashback*

So I ran up the stairs, all three flights of them, and dashed into my room, where I collapsed onto my floor. "Who the fuck are you, bitch?" I heard someone shout.

I looked up and saw four people standing in my room. Four random people, to whom I have never seen before, in my room. So I did what any sane person would do. I jumped up off the floor and ran up to them, giving the one in the mask a big hug, just because…

"Tobi like pretty girl hugging him," the masked person cheered.

I pulled away from the hug and looked at the other three. They were all wearing the same cloak-y things. There were three guys and one girl. Well, I think the one in the mask—Tobi? Did he say his name was Tobi?—is a guy.

"Hey, Alex!" I called. Hearing a faint "yeah" in reply, I shouted, "Did you invite people over?"

I heard Alex come up the stairs. "No, I didn't. Why?" she questioned, coming to a stop in the doorway. She let out this really loud fangirl squeal and ran over to the one I just hugged. "OhmiJashin! It's Tobi!"

"See," I said, smugly. "I converted you into a Jashinist! Muahahahaha!"

"You're a Jashinist too, bitch?" this really tall one with gray hair and a scythe questioned.

"Me?" I asked, innocently.

"Yeah, you. You fucking bitch…"

"Alex, did you hear that?" I said.

"Hear what?" Alex asked, still hugging that Tobi character.

"He doesn't even know me, yet he knows my nickname. How does one accomplish that?"

"I don't know, ask him. I'm busy hugging Tobi!"

"Tobi likes it when Tobi gets hugged from pretty girls!" Tobi shouted.

"Answer me, bitch. Are you or are you not a fucking Jashinist?" the guy asked me again.

"I am at heart," I replied.

"At heart? What the fuck?"

"See I was born a Hindu, technically, seeing as I'm a Hindu goddess and all, but I worship Jashin."

"That's cool, I guess. Hey bitch, what's your name?" he asked.

"Me be Kallllllllliiiiiiikka!" I cleared my throat. "I meant I am Kalika. That's K-A-L-I-K-A. Learn it, live it, love it, dickface."

He laughed. "The names Hidan, bitch."

"Who're your friends?" I asked innocently. See, I'm so nice! I'm being polite and everything; well, minus the dickface comment…but who counts those anyway?

"Friends?" he laughed again. "They're teammates, bitch. That girl with the violet hair, that's Konan. And the one with the mask is Tobi, as you already fucking know. And that little fucker, with the long hair, is Deidara…" Hidan paused, seeming to think. Then he added "un."

The blond guys face turned bright red. "That's not funny, yeah!"

I blinked, thinking. "I…I'm confused…so very confused…" then I dropped myself to the ground and started crawling towards my marker basket. "I have markers! Can we color? Please? Pretty please? Alex can I color, pleaseee?"

"I'm hugging Tobi!" she snapped.

"Yay, I get to color!" I grabbed my favorite marker, the purple one, stood up, and walked over to Hidan. "Do you want to help me color? Please, dickface? Pretty please?"

"Sure, what the fuck, I'll help you color," he said.

"Tobi thinks other pretty girl should ask sempai to help her color! Sempai is good at art! Tobi loves sempai!" Tobi yelled.

"Sempai?" I was really confused now.

"That's me, hmm," Deidara spoke up.

"Oh," I nodded. "I like pudding." Then I took Hidan's arm, uncapped my marker and started coloring Hidan's arm purple.

"What the fuck are you doing, bitch?" he yelled.

I shook my head. "Just what I thought, purple looks horrible on you, guess I won't be dying your hair while you sleep." I shrugged. "Oh, well, Deidara! Deidara! Deidara!"

"Yeah?"

"I need you over here, 'cause I'm confused, so I need your help, and ALEX STOP HUGGING TOBI!"

"Fine!" Alex snapped. "Come on Tobi; let's go see what Kalika wants."

"Yay! Tobi will come because Tobi's a GOOD BOY!"

"Yes you are," Alex nodded. "What do you want, Kikerz?"

"Kee-kerz?" I questioned, but waved it away. "Whatever. How do you know these people?"

"They're in the anime that we watch? Remember?"

My eyes widened. "OHMIFUCKINGGOD! You're Deidara!" I pointed at the blond.

He seemed taken aback by my sudden outburst. "Y-yes, I am, un."

I tackled him. "I love you! Oh my Jashin, how did I not notice this? Wow, I'm slow…"

So Alex started hugging Tobi again, and I was hugging Deidara. And this is when Sebastian walked in.

You know what he saw? Do you? He saw Alex hugging a strange masked man who continuously yelled that he was a good boy in a third person narrative, and me on top of a blond guy—who could be mistaken as a girl—on the floor.

But you know what he did? He shouted. "Konan!"

Yeah, she's still there, standing quietly in a corner. She looked at him, and seemed to freeze. "My name's Sebastian," my brother said, more calmly.

"Hello," she said politely. Yeah, they're so going to end up together. Well, I let go of Deidara, who probably thought I was crazy and psychopathic—but then again, who didn't?—and stood up, offering my hand to help the blond up.

He hesitantly took my hand, and I was ecstatic to find out that he had mouths on his hands, just like in Naruto. "What is going on here?" I heard a voice say from my doorway. I let go of Deidara's hand, and spun around.

"Sasori," I said simply. He glared at me.

"Brat," he said, addressing Deidara. "Who is that?" yeah, he thinks I'm sexy.

"I believe her name is Kalika, yeah."

"What kind of name is that?" the redhead asked me.

"Sanskrit," I replied. "It means 'she who destroys.'"

"Hmm," he said, nodding in acknowledgement. "I see, what are your views on art? The brat thinks it's fleeting, but I think it's eternal. What do you think?"

I pondered a moment. "Art can be anything. It's a way to express yourself when words can't. It can be fleeting or eternal. To some it means everything while to others it means nothing. To tell you the truth, I love both of your types of art, but I like mine a little more."

"Why, un?" Deidara questioned.

"Because it's both fleeting and eternal," I shrugged.

"Show it to me" Sasori demanded.

"I'm busy right now, gosh. Hey, Tobi, I need to talk to you!" I skip over to the masked man.

"Yes, Kalika-Chan?" he asked innocently.

I leaned in to whisper in his ear, so that no one else could hear me. "I have some candy hidden in here, and I'm willing to share some with you if you annoy the hell out of Deidara-kun. You'd do that for me, right? Because Tobi's a good boy?"

"Yeah! Tobi is a good boy!" he shouted as he ran over to Deidara and started bothering him. Not even a minute passed before Deidara was about to blow Tobi up.

I ran up to them. "No! No blowing people up, you silly little pyromaniac you."

"But he's bothering me, yeah," he retorted.

"But I told him to bother you…"

"Why would you do that, hmm?"

"Because I wanted to see how well your temper holds up," I smiled. "If I were you, I'd think about some anger management."

"Or he could just beat up Itachi," Sebastian smirked. "Oh, yeah, that's right, he can't!"

Now Deidara looked really pissed off. "You leave my Dei-kun alone!" I hugged him.

Sebastian murmured something about "weird Japanese anime artists" and I jumped in to defend Sasori too. "Leave my little Scorpion out of this, Fudgenut!"

"I like your style, bitch," Hidan said coming into the room.

I let go of Deidara and ran to Hidan jumping into his arms. "Yay! Hidan's not mad at me for coloring him purple! Yayyyyyyy!"

"TOBI WANTS TOBI'S CANDYYYYY! TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!"

Ending author's note: So, how'd you like it so far? Why don't you review and tell me, but no flames. That was chapter one—or should this just be a one-shot? Two-shot? Three-shot? Is there such thing? I don't know but please leave comments! Because I love to know what all of you beautiful people think of my shit.

Loves and hugs,

Yours psychotically,

Vee