In a world where Canadians are running morally questionable government sanctioned human experimentation (Seriously Canada is doing this, CANADA) a hero will arise (Okay not really a hero more like a morally ambiguous mercenary) to do something and um...What was the point in this?

/To introduce yourself/

Oh right. Let's try that again. Um...what's a better way to do this?

ooh pick me!

You

you could do it like a fairy tale

Why not? What could go wrong?

/Did he just ask that?/

yeah that was a stupid mistake

Once upon a time, in the Great White North, one Kanuck, whose name is known only by himself… and his enemies… and his family... and a gaggle of chicks in Montreal /a lot of people know our identity/, shh! i'm listening! sallied forth on his trusty burro Panza to right wrongs and earn monetary funds for his other habits.

/Good intro, but what's this about exactly?/

Oh you, know the usual.

us kicking ass and taking names?

Bingo!

yay! it's been weeks since the last job

/What is our current job anyway?/

That's an excellent question.

club some seals for a fur coat for iggy azalea?

That can wait. Today we go to Switzerland.

i'll get our the skis!

And so did the Magnificent Kanuck, by means of connections, traverse the windy heights of the heavens inside the belly of a 747 to Geneva, home of the U.N. and Calvinists. He met with strange fellows in dark alleys under pale moonlight to receive from them the first half of his payment. The rest would be given as a percentage after the task was accomplished. Later that very same night, as the moon hid her face, the Kanuck approached the Generic Swiss Bank in the silence of the grave.

Our brave hero entered the building knowing that is where his quarry lie. Unfortunately the Kanuck was not known for his great stealth, /Wearing bright red will do that./ and so he was seen entering despite his best efforts to remain hidden in the shadows . we blew a hole in the place /Right next to the door too/ His enemies approached with guns in hand firing many a bullet at him, but the Kanuck was prepared for this inevitable outcome. He unsheathed both his katana and with both beauty and grace deflected his enemies' many bullets and it was awesome.

After killing his many foes the Kanuck made his way over to the vault. It was sealed shut, and because he used all his C4 on the wall for what was the most amazing of entrances, the vault had to be opened the old fashioned way. "You there. Not dead guy. Do you know the combination to this thing?" Our hero asked the one man in the bank he didn't kill.

The man could barely move for he had bullet wounds in his legs. "I'm just a guard." He admitted.

well he's useless

/Why is he still alive?/

"Good question. Let me fix that problem." It was then that the Kanuck fixed the problem. He turned attention back to his real problem, the locked vault, his mortal enemy. He checked his many a pouch for a possible solution. "Hey, look I actually packed something for this!" From the depths of one of his pouches he retrieved a device that could crack the electronic lock.

/Did you steal that from Weasel?/

"I prefer the term borrowed." The Magnificent Kanuck connected his mighty devise to the daunting lock and let it do its thing. With the lock now cracked, the door swung open with much fanfare. "Bingo! We're in! Now let's see where is safety deposit box number 9891?"

"Try looking to your left."

"Oh yeah thanks." The Kanuck, at the suggestion of the mysterious voice, looked to his left. "Wait you're not a voice in my head." Our hero turned around to see that the decidedly not voice in his head was a tall, muscular woman wearing all black including a mask with red lenses that hid her eyes. She had short messy black hair, that despite some of going in her face, did nothing to hide the smug look she had. "Holy Femme Fatale Batman."

"Interesting reaction." She walked over to safety deposit box 9891. "So how exactly were you planning to open the box?"

"I was going to use my lock pick." The Kanuck pointed his .45 caliber lock pick at the box. "Observe." He demonstrated his amazing lock picking skills and opened the box revealing the McGuffin Diamond inside.

"That's what that thing looks like?" The Femme Fatale had a look of clear disgust on her face when looking at the inappropriately shaped McGuffin.

"Yeah I'm just going to put that in this bag labeled censored."

/Really no one is going to mention it?/

That the diamond is shaped like a dil-

/Not that. I meant the fact that this woman is obviously after the diamond too./

"You bring up a good point, but come on I'm me. There is no way anyone could steal it from me."

The Kanuck was suddenly taken by surprise when his hand that was holding the diamond was pinned to the wall with a knife his new enemy had hidden before this very moment. The Femme Fatale pocketed the diamond and ran off post haste. Our hero removed the knife from his hand then chased after the mysterious woman, but she had disappeared into the night.

"So...now what?"

Cry ourselves to sleep?

/That's a bit of an overreaction./

"Yeah, plus this isn't actually over."

it isn't?

"Yep. I put a tracker in the bag with the McGuffin."

/When was this?/

"When you two weren't looking."

And with these last words spoken our hero tenaciously went after his foe. The tracker led him to the top of a nearby building where a helicopter had just taken off with the Femme Fatale inside. Looking at the tracker once more the Kanuck realized it said the McGuffin was still here. He looked around and found the small device with a small note attached.

"Nice to see you're still alive, Wilson."

She knows who we are?

/Apparently/

How?

/Who knows./

Think we know each other when we were beavers in a past life.

/Then she would've known us as our beaver name/

We had our lesbian experience in college with her then.

/I can't even begin to explain what's wrong with that sentence/

Someone's being quiet. Care to contribute to the conversation buddy?

"Oh yeah sorry. I was just thinking."

/That's never good/

"Just hear me out okay. I think she knew me when I was diagnosed with cancer."

/What makes you so sure?/

"She thought I was dead before now, plus the fact that I don't remember her."

What are you going to do with this shocking development?

"Probably just go home, eat a burrito, let Weasel out of the Box, then maybe watch some cartoons until I fall asleep."