A.N: Hey guys, TurtleJesus here. This story is all about making fun of the different cliches here at

Summary: It is summer after fifth year and all is calm when Harry discovers who is controlling his life and he decides to take control back using any means necessary. Involves, time chambers, unspeakables, goblins, heirs, seriously OP Harry, stupid ministry, weak deatheaters, sheeple Order and manipulations.

Warnings: May involve swearing, violence, alcohol, tattoos, implied sex, disturbing images and death

Narrators POV

It was a perfectly normal day in a perfectly normal neighborhood, the kids were out playing for their summer holidays, the fathers (except that awful Mr Collins who let his wife work instead) were still at their respectable jobs and the mothers were having the gossip sessions…ahem…I mean tea parties. Yes, it was just another average day in Surrey, at least it was until the Dursley family arrived home from picking up their nephew, Harry Potter, from the train station. The first sign something weird was happening was the whole family were pale and shaking. Of course the Dursley's reason was the creepy people at the train station scared them but Harry was shaking with grief about his lost godfather but more on that later. The neighbors believed they were shaking after visiting such an awful place like St Brutus's Academy for incurably Criminal boys. The next sign of something weird was the screaming and the yelling that occurred as soon as the Dursley's went inside. The last thing was about half hour later Harry Potter could be seen leaving the house with his trunk and walking down the street. All who witnessed this had the same thoughts; the gossip would be good tomorrow.

Harry Potters POV

'Why did they have to do that?' Harry asked himself glancing out the window as they pulled away from the train station and started heading home, 'They're just going to be worst after that threat'. Harry looked around and saw Dudley cowering on the other side of the car, Aunt Petunia pale and shaking and Uncle Vernon turning a very peculiar shade of red whilst his moustache twitched violently. 'Yep just as he thought, there will be an explosion when they get back to Privet Drive', Harry decided to just try and ignore everything until they got back. It was the slamming of the car doors that got Harrys attention and he quickly got out and dragged his trunk through the front door.

He quickly dodged a fist that came flying through the air and then jumped back so the kick sent by Dudley missed him.

"BOY, HOW DARE YOU TELL THOSE FREAKS THAT WE MISTREAT YOU, WE GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED!" Roared Uncle Vernon, his face almost glowing red so much that Harry thought for a second he could replace Rudolph. Uncle Vernon then proceeded to grab him by the arm and shove him into his room before closing and locking the door behind him. 'Good thing I gave Hedwig to Neville to look after' thought Harry before morosely laying down on the bed. 'Where was his supposed guard shouldn't they have stopped that' He sulked. Unfortunately, thinking of the Order made him think of his godfather, Sirius Black, this than lead to think about Sirius' current state of deadness.

'It's all my fault, how could I have been so stupid? Should've listened to Hermione' he brooded. Curiously it wasn't actually Sirius' serious state of living that depressed him the most as many believed, no, it was the fact that when he had his godfather's killer alone he was too weak to get revenge. 'I need to get better if I want to win this war, especially with this stupid arse prophecy, maybe if Dumbledore actually trained me or hired a competent DADA professor' He thought before snorting, how is it every time he had negative thoughts they always somehow led to Dumbledore.

Jumping up, Harry decided to look at everything that went wrong over the years and how they linked to Dumbledore. He went to grab a piece of parchment to write a list but decided not to for several reasons. First, lists were way overused and overrated. Second, it took up too much time and effort. Third, it seemed a bit girly and lastly, he had everything in his head anyway.

'Okay, Dursleys are his entire fault, first year is obviously his fault with the weak protections and shit, Second year he so could've worked out it was a basilisk if Hermione could. Third year he was just a total idiot with the dementors and the time travel and stuff. Fourth year he was useless and fifth year he was just being a dickhead not telling him shit and I don't know how but Sirius death is somehow his fault.' Yes, Harry Potter had it all worked out before he decided that he needed to get away from Dumbledork and his order of Kentucky Fried Chicken. 'hmm, maybe a quick stop to KFC before going to Diagon Alley and Gringotts wouldn't be amiss'.

So using awesome lock picking skills given to him by Fred and George, he headed down stairs, grabbed his things and snuck out the front door. Unfortunately his version of sneaking was learned from the Mission Impossible movies so everyone knew what he was doing. Fortunately, no one cared what the freak done. As soon as he got out the front door he sprinted to the road and held out his wand and the Knight Bus appeared. Using his adrenaline filled strength, he launched his trunk in, knocking Stan Shunpike over and interrupting his speech, before jumping in as well.

"I'm Minister Fudge and I want to go to the Leaky Cauldron" He said loudly before dropping a ridiculous amount of money on Shunpike.

"Y…Y...you're not the minister" stuttered Stan before snapping his mouth shut at the look Harry gave him.

"Fine, I'm Albus bloody Dumbledore" Snapped Harry at the quaking young adult.

"B…B..But" Shunpike went to reply before Harry opened his trunk, grabbed a bright blue robe and a fake beard and put them on. Stan still looked hesitant before he noticed how much the person actually looked like Dumbledore now. Twenty minutes later and some impressive swearing by Har…ahem..Albus later and they had arrived at the Leaky Cauldron.

Stumbling to the front counter, Harry perched himself on a barstool.

"The usual Professor Dumbledore?" questioned Tom with a raised eyebrow. Harry was very tempted to say yes but decided differently.

"No thanks Tom, I would like to rent a room for young Harry Potter, anything he wants as long as he wants, just put it on my tab" Harry replied trying and failing to sound like a wise old man.

"Of course sir, room number 11, if I may ask, where is he?" Tom answered, peering around as he handed Harry the key.

"He will be here later, I will make sure the key gets to him, Thank you!" and with that Harry strolled out the room trying to keep from laughing. Taking a walk down to Gringotts he noticed most of the shops were closed before he realised that it was about nine o'clock. He had hoped Gringotts was still open. He had nothing to fear as it was still open with guards either side of the door eyeing him strangely. Oh, wait he still had his disguise on, he quickly took if off and walked in, the doors opening before him.

He noticed that he was the only person there and felt quite self-conscious as he walked to the middle of the room.

"Hey Griphook!" he yelled, waving to a random point in the room, hoping Griphook was there, after all they all looked the same. Fortunately for him, Griphook was there and done a small wave back to the shock of the goblins. A human had remembered one of them! Harry was tempted to start shouting random names to see if he could impress them more by knowing other goblins but chose not to.

Griphook ran forward and gave the deepest bow he has ever given a human before; it was still only an inch deep.

"How may I assist you, sir?"

A.N: End of chapter, hope you all liked it. Now please review or PM me with any ideas, comments or general flames. Also PM if you want to be my BETA.