Tags: MakoHaru, SouRin, sadness, post-canon
Silence
A scarlet, bristle tipped leaf gets tangled on his laces, as autumn chills the air. His crimson eyes waver around the passers by hastily going on their daily routines, but he doesn't really see them. His fingertips have been nervously tapping the table for a while now, right next to his empty glass.
"Are you going to drink that?"
He motions at Haruka's half-finished soda and swiftly grabs it, as the dolphin boy shakes negatively his head. He gulps it down in one go.
"I should be going."
"You still have time, Rin."
"Yeah, I know, it's just...I really want him to find me already there."
"He will."
He checks his sporty watch, the one with the black and red silicone band, a long breath escaping his lungs.
"So, how's Makoto doing?"
"He's usually in good spirits. He loves the orca plush you sent."
He lifts his gaze towards the grey patched sky, a cold breeze tousling his red bangs. He smiles.
"Good. You know, don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes Haru, I wish I was in your shoes."
For a moment, the breeze gets stronger, leaving a whirring sound on its trail.
"If things were different, I would come with you. But-"
"It's ok, I understand, it's still early. Don't sweat over it", he chuckles " tell Makoto I miss him."
He nervously checks his watch once again.
"You know what, I'll just go and wait a while there. No big deal. Thanks for the chat and...well, everything."
He's only a few steps away when he hesitates.
"We could, perhaps, arrange something down the road, all four of us. Like go out for some ramen or get together and play some games. I mean, not anytime soon, but maybe in a couple of months."
"That would be nice."
"It would , wouldn't it?" His questions are rhetorical , his eyes glaze over with nostalgia. "Perhaps we could...perhaps..."
Thirty minutes later, Rin pulls over in an almost desolate parking lot. Outside the concrete giant rising across the road, the large sign reads "Tokyo Juvenile Correctional Center". It's been already six months since the day he first drove here. For everyone else, time flew. For him, it remained stagnant. Frozen in that fateful night which, ironically, had also made his dream come true.
Lewd, embarrassing moans were escaping his lips, and he tried to stifle them in the soft, pink pillow beneath him. But a strong yet gentle tug on his ponytail stopped him.
"Let me hear you."
Sousuke's uneven breaths tickled his nape, beads of sweat pooling on his inflamed skin. Rin could feel him broad against his back, trembling inside him. When the last waves of his orgasm struck the brunet like a maelstrom, Rin clenched around him with all his might. He did his best to hold him. To accept him.
When Sousuke finally rolled over, his head sinking on the cushions, the grin of bliss plastered on his face, Rin propped himself on his elbow and studied the friend that had become the lover. He had never seen Sousuke this happy. They had been fidgeting around each other for years, lying to themselves about the true nature of their feelings. He, especially, had been so blind to this love, so deaf to Sousuke's screaming torment. But tonight, the loud music thundering in their ears and the alcohol running through their veins, had put their pride temporarily to sleep. And, just like that, everything changed. He still couldn't believe it.
"Oi, why are you staring like that?"
Rin blinked.
"Like what?"
"Just now you were making such a funny face. What were you thinking?"
"I was just checking the freaking, rose polka dot pillows. I swear the room of that bubblegum bitch is even pinker than Gou's."
Sousuke laughed. A booming, heartfelt laughter Rin hadn't heard in years.
"Say Rin...do you regret tonight?"
He cupped his jaw with his hand, guiding Sousuke's insecure sapphires to his fiery rubies.
"Are you kidding me? You're the best thing that happened to me, asshole."
Time slackened around them and they stayed like this for a moment, their eyes conveying the words their mouths couldn't shape. Until Sousuke's lips coiled up to a smug smirk.
"Though technically, after tonight, I'm the one that should be calling you that."
"Oh God, shut up."
Deep crimson flashed over Rin's cheeks and he turned around to grab his buzzing mobile.
"Oi, what did I tell you, I swear Kisumi is out of his mind. He just texted me. We're at his own freaking party and he is somewhere stranded in the north districts."
"What the hell is he doing up there?"
"Fuck knows! I bet someone is returning a prank. Anyway, let's go bring him back. We should tell Makoto and Haru."
They groped for their scattered clothes in the dark, while Sousuke was gulping down the last drops of his beer.
"And to think you only ever drank cokes. How many did you have already?"
"Does it matter? I'm happy."
"Of course it matters, Sousuke...whoah! Put me down!"
With Rin draped over his good shoulder, Sousuke opened the door of Kisumi's bedroom. Instantly, the raucous party at the ground floor, surged inside.
"Music's too loud, can't hear you!"
"You heard me well, asshole! Put me down, we aren't going downstairs like this!"
"Of course we are."
He shouldn't have let him drive that night. Makoto wouldn't have ended up in hospital, Sousuke wouldn't have been locked behind bars. His own heart wouldn't be shattered. But love had dazed him. He had been secretly drunk in Sousuke's love for so long, that he forgot how it was to be sober.
Showing again a greatness of soul, Makoto's parents didn't file a lawsuit, thus Sousuke received only a three months sentence in one of Tokyo's correctional facilities for young convicts. He had burst out of the court room unable to hear the final verdict. That morning was the last time he didn't hold back his tears. After that, he began visiting Sousuke every single Sunday. Always embracing him with his best smile, always encouraging him to carry on. For a while, it had worked. But gradually Sousuke became more distant. He started limiting his words, preferring to listen Rin talking about his trivial routine. And, week after week, that teal stardust in his eyes was turning all the more dull.
One day his cellphone rang at an odd hour. Sousuke had been involved in a serious incident a few days back and he was being transferred to a different wing. The three months became six. Sousuke never uttered a word to him about what happened. Eventually, the brunet asked him to stop visiting and keep contact through phone-calls instead. He had swallowed that lump of pain in his throat and agreed. What else he could do?
Rin leans over the wheel, his knuckles paling out as his hands clench it tightly. He inhales deeply and then gets out. That distance, both physical and emotional, has been suffocating him. He yearns for Sousuke's company. For his lopsided smile and his manly scent. For his erotic touch. This day of his release, he has come alone to pick him up. Sousuke's orders. Everyone else is waiting impatiently at the brunet's house. Yet on the phone , Sousuke sounded calm, almost like his old self. And this floods him with hope.
When the gates finally open and his tall figure materializes in the distance, Rin's pulse starts drumming in his head. Sousuke has a small sack over his shoulder and walks to his direction in a slow but steady pace. He also smiles. It's a faint smile, but it is there. Rin pats him on the back, his hand lingering on Sousuke longer than the gesture requires. The guards are watching, so he suppresses the urge to engulf him in his arms and capture his tempting mouth. They'll soon have time for that, he thinks.
"I'm glad you're back."
"Me too."
In the car, his mouth becomes a torrent. He tells him about the feast his parents have set up at home for his comeback. About the chocolate cake with the whaleshark icing Gou has baked only for him. About their Samezuka schoolmates and the nights that await them with the old gang. Sousuke just nods occasionally, his gaze traveling with the scenery shifting outside the window.
"Can you pull over here?"
They stop at a local, verdant park that just happened to be on their way. It's small and usually frequented by families and pensioners. Nothing out of the ordinary. They remain quiet in their seats and Rin knows that if he doesn't throw it out of his chest right now, he won't do it ever.
"I know it sounds corny, but I really missed you."
"I'm here now."
And perhaps this is his cue, because he really wishes to feel Sousuke now, to close that rude gap between them and lose himself in his touch. He gently places a hand high on Sousuke's thigh. But the raven haired man jerks it away, as if it's the sting of a scorpion.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"How can it be nothing, you're suddenly glued on the window. I only wanted to touch you."
"Well, yeah, that's the problem Rin."
Sousuke snaps back, his features hardening. That's when it dawns on Rin; his friend is suddenly avoiding human contact. And he doesn't really want to ask the next question because the answer frightens him, but he has to.
"What happened to you in that place? Did someone..."
"Don't."
There's a burning sensation spreading on his chest, as he averts his eyes from Sousuke. His lungs feel airless.
"We will get through this."
He doesn't even know whom he's reassuring anymore, Sousuke or himself. His eyes are welling up and he hates himself for that because, damn it, he has struggled for so long and so hard. So hard.
"Walk with me, Rin. Just for a little while."
The park is teeming with children's voices. They stroll around for a bit, before ending up side by side on a wooden bench. And, suddenly, Sousuke opens up.
"I know it's been difficult for you not being able to see me at all. It was probably the hardest decision in my life so far. But I had to take it. I was falling. And I couldn't bear you seeing my descent. I saw what my confinement was doing to you, Rin. It was killing you. "
"Sousuke, I..."
"No reason to deny it. You would come every weekend with that shark grin of yours, pretending all this madness was a temporary break from our normality or something. And it was a break...but from life. There is no time in prison, Rin. After a while, everything becomes monotonous. The faces merge with the grey walls. The only difference between days and nights is the blue turning to black outside your cell's window. People talk about the poor facilities in such places, about the corruption, the abuse...you know what's worse Rin? It's the silence. So many boys, so much noise...and, yet, at nights, the silence is deafening."
Sousuke pauses for a second to wet his dry lips.
"Life in prison is static, Rin. Eventually, you become listless too."
His cellphone vibrates in his jeans' pocket, and Rin's glossy eyes briefly skim over its screen.
"It's Gou. She thinks I haven't picked you up yet. I should tell her we are gonna be late, except if you'd rather we don't go?"
"No, we will. Give me only five more minutes."
Sousuke's sapphire eyes cruise over the teenager roller skating before them, the children playing peek a boo around the trees, the old man reading his newspaper on a nearby bench, the branches swaying to the rhythm of the autumnal zephyr.
"I just want to watch life flowing for a bit."
xxxxxxxxxxxx
A gust of wind sweeps off the piles of orange and golden leaves that colour the pavement. His azure eyes follow the lonely route of a bristle tipped leaf, as it dances in the air, before it ingloriously lands on Rin's laces. The redhead doesn't seem to notice. He has long now finished his drink, while his own glass stands half-full and unappealing.
"Are you going to drink that?"
His gaze seesaws between his friend and that scarlet leaf trapped on his shoes, as Rin washes his anxiety down with soda.
"I should be going."
"You still have time, Rin."
"Yeah, I know, it's just...I really want him to find me already there."
"He will."
He doesn't have to spare a second glance on him to tell he is stressed, he reeks of it.
"So, how's Makoto doing?"
Beautiful hazel hair flows in his mind. He can almost feel its smooth sensation between his fingertips.
"He's usually in good spirits. He loves the orca plush you sent."
"Good. You know, don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes Haru, I wish I was in your shoes."
'No' his inner voice objects 'you don't want my place. No one should want my place' . For a moment, the breeze gets stronger, leaving a whirring sound on its trail.
"If things were different, I would come with you. But-"
Rin cuts him. He already knows that the redhead will tell him he understands, that it is still early for them to face Sousuke. That right now Makoto is the priority, the one that needs him the most. Haruka knows all these, and yet, he is honest in his words. He never wanted to leave Rin alone.
"It's ok, I understand, it's still early. Don't sweat over it, tell Makoto I miss him...You know what, I'll just go and wait a while there. No big deal."
The leaf is still hooked among his laces when he stands up. Always there. Always trapped.
"Thanks for the chat and...well, everything."
He quietly watches Rin drifting away, hands shoved in his pockets, shoulders lightly hunched forward. Rin never used to walk like this, his shoulders were always squared with pride. Unexpectedly, the redhead comes to a halt.
"We could, perhaps, arrange something down the road, all four of us. Like go out for some ramen or get together and play some games. I mean, not anytime soon, but maybe in a couple of months."
It may not be apparent, but the nostalgia in Rin's voice mirrors his own emotions too. He's just not as good with words. He never was.
"That would be nice."
"It would , wouldn't it? Perhaps we could...perhaps..."
He knows their plans are nothing more than a wishful thinking. And he's fairly certain that, somewhere within him, Rin knows it too.
Haruka catches the train for the suburbs, as always from the usual station, at the usual time. These past months, his view on the world during those short trips has radically changed. For the first time in his life, the passengers on the train aren't transparent to him. He still doesn't understand them, nor he attempts to. But now, without Makoto daily by his side, he actually observes them.
A pleasant tune reaches his ear, as someone has turned up the volume on his iphone. He remembers that song. It's been six month since he last heard it.
"Don't you think it's an oxymoron that there's a party with a dj inside and we are out here, listening to music you saved in your mobile?"
They had found comfort for a while now in a large swing, only few metres away from where the waves carved the sand. Kisumi's party, in the family's house by the coast, was hitting its wild peak, but out there, under the summer's nightsky, everything was still tranquil and beautiful. Just like Makoto's radiant face resting on his lap.
"Mhm, perhaps it is, but I like it. Don't you, Haru?"
"I don't care. I'm just here to see the ocean."
"Though, you could have tried to have some fun while we were inside. The food was nice."
"No mackerel."
"It's a party, Haru!"
"So? Mine would have mackerel too."
"Well, it's Kisumi's party."
Haruka's eyebrows blended together in an annoying expression, which Makoto brushed away with a smile.
"Yeah, this doesn't cheer you up either. What about Sousuke and Rin? They're here too, so this party can't be all that bad."
"They have vanished for an hour now."
"Hmm, that's kinda suspicious. Sousuke seemed pretty loosened up tonight. Perhaps they finally confessed to each other. Don't you think?"
Haruka was staring down at him with his trademark, that blank stare, and Makoto reached up a hand, lovingly tracing his jawline.
"Though they wouldn't tell us, would they? If it took them so long to admit their feelings to themselves, they'd need double the time to trust others with them. I mean not everyone knows about us either, and we've been together for-"
"Everyone should."
Makoto's heart skipped a beat. This time, he sat up, his voice faltering.
"What did you say?"
"Everyone should know about us. I want to make it official."
"Haru-chan...people will not understand..."
"I don't care."
"And our parents might..."
"I don't care either."
"Well, I do..." Makoto shook his head, his emerald eyes brimming with tears. But they were tears of ineffable joy, for he was shining now "...but I'll give anything so I can freely hold hands with you when we walk...so I won't have to find a remote swing around the beach again, just to be ourselves."
They leaned in, the array of their emotions manifesting in a single, sensual kiss. They only broke apart when the sounds of their names echoed loudly in the distance.
"Oi, you two lovebirds! I've searched the entire place for you."
"While hanging upside down."
"Stop laughing about it, Sousuke, I swear I'll-"
Sousuke yanked the redhead off his feet, spinning him around. And despite his protests, Rin was actually beaming.
"So noisy."
"It's called being happy, Nanase."
"Alright, listen up. We're going to get that bubblegum bitch back, he's alone near some gas station at the other end of the city."
"Kisumi? Now that you're mentioning it, we saw him inside a convertible a while ago, along with a bunch of very loud and very drunk guys. They drove off, hooting and waving at us."
"See? I was right. They dumped him up there as a joke, and now the idiot wants us to return him to his own party."
"Suits him right."
"Haru!"
"Anyway, just letting you know we're about to drive there now. Tag along if you want."
Sousuke hurled an empty beer bottle towards the dark ocean and they started racing to the car, pushing and laughing around each other like two careless kids.
"Whatever happened to Sousuke-kun? Since when he's drinking beer?"
"Makoto."
"I know, Haru, don't worry" Makoto soothed his world with a gentle smile "I'll go too. Someone has to watch over them."
He shouldn't have let him follow them. Sousuke lost control around a slippery bend of the road. The car spun two times, before crashing in the wall of an abandoned building. The rest two came out of it unscathed, but Makoto was rushed into the emergency room, a head injury causing internal bleeding. He stayed in coma for one week. Those nights, he spent them sleeping on the plastic, waiting chairs outside the hospital ward. But then, Makoto woke up. And ten days later, he stood again on his feet, shaking but smiling. He had always been strong like that. Stronger than all of them.
Fresh air floods him when he gets off at his stop. Yards of soft, mowed grass are expanding around the rehabilitation center. He walks down the long, white corridors, a hint of lavender teasing his nostrils. Sometimes, he passes outside doors with children's drawings.
He finds Makoto by the window in his sunlit room. He looks like he's daydreaming.
"He's been in a good mood all day. Something tells me he remembers you were coming. But you should talk to him more, Nanase-san. It's not good for him staying in silence."
He watches expressionless as the nurse finishes gathering Makoto's laundry and heads out.
"Oi, Makoto."
His hazel bangs cascade around his face, longer than what they used to be. At one side, the hair is visibly shorter, there where he underwent several surgeries. Nurses have offered many times to fix his haircut, but he likes it this way. He turns around, his face brighter than dawn.
"Hey!"
He takes out of his satchel a small box, wrapped in green paper with blue stripes.
"For me?"
He nods. Makoto tears it open unable to contain his enthusiasm. It's an Iwatobi-chan charm, their old mascot.
"Thank you, it's so funny. But..." his laughing eyes stare at him perplexed "...who are you, sir?"
"A friend."
"Mine?"
"Yes. My name's Haruka."
"Haruka...can I call you Haru-chan? It suits you better."
"Of course you can."
The doctors say that Makoto has found solace in his younger self. At first, they were confident his memory would gradually return. Six months later, they are still waiting. They say he is happy though. That night, four lives, including his own, were ruined. And yet, Makoto somehow fooled everyone and found another path to happiness.
He pats the mattress beside him and Makoto cheerfully joins him on the bed.
"Are we watching anime?"
"Soon."
Just like every other afternoon, he carries a photo album with him. As the pages turn, Makoto's expressions change.
"Why are they so happy?"
"They've just won a relay."
"What is this boy holding?"
"Their trophy."
Makoto laughs at coach Sasabe's weird haircut and thinks Rin should visit the dentist. And every time the infinite ocean shows up in a picture, his hand instinctively tightens around Haruka's shirt.
"Oooh! What type of a tree is this?"
"It's a sakura tree. There used to be one in my old school."
"It's beautiful."
The next photo shows the small dolphin charm he got in his first day at Iwatobi Swim Club. Makoto frowns. It's always this photo that makes the difference.
"Is this yours, Haru-chan?"
"Yes it is."
"Did I...give it to you?"
"Yes, Makoto, you did."
His focus instantly flies to another photo. He points at a low brick wall with his index finger.
"What does it say here?"
"For the team."
"The team...and here?"
"Free. Because I only swim freestyle."
His frown has turned deeper now. Wrinkles smudge his forehead as if Makoto is struggling to think.
"Free...do I also like swimming?"
"Yes you do, Makoto." His own voice is cracking now. "Once you even told me 'I love swimming and I-"
"...love you too, Haru-chan." Emerald eyes widen in shock "...Haru? "
He pulls Makoto into his warm embrace. His shoulder feels wet, as his friend's tears steadily dribble onto his shirt.
"Yeah, it's me."
"Haru..."
They remain interlaced like this for a while. Makoto unleashes his love for him. He promises he'll never leave him again. He asks about their friends, he wants to see his parents and his twin siblings. With his eyes shut, Haruka just continues to hold him. When they part, he whispers "thank you".
And then the air shifts again. The lines on Makoto's face soften up , his pupils gaze back dilated.
"Thank you too but...who are you, sir?"
"A friend."
"Mine?"
"Yeah."
The first time Makoto remembered him, he was overwhelmed with joy. That joy had lasted only ten minutes. Since then it's been a game of erase and rewind. Of a broken disc that is stuck on repeat. Eventually, Makoto gets distracted by the discarded toys on the floor. A plastic fire engine, an orca plush...He is happy, the doctors say.
But no, not him. Haruka can't feel happy. He knows he should be glad that Makoto is alive, that he should focus all his energy in helping him get out of this silence. But he's a weak, self-centered teenager after all, who just wants his friend back. Who can't share Makoto's happiness when he's not a part of it.
And he wants to tell Rin, that he wishes Makoto was that night behind the wheel instead. That the redhead should never envy his miserable place. Because who in his right mind ever wishes to be forgotten?
And he wants to tell that nurse, that it's not that he doesn't want to talk more, it's just that he never learnt how. Because there's no one to read his thoughts anymore, to get in his mind and become his bridge to the world. Because that silence was never Makoto's, no, that silence is his own.
The End
This was the first time of me writing MakoHaru (except in my AU fic World of Lovecraft, but even there it's from a multishipping perspective). As a RinHaru/SouRin fan, I hope I did them some justice. Thanks for reading. Reviews are much appreciated, I read them all and wish you all had accounts so I could thank you.