All I want to say is that I think I've finally found an idea that I can work with.... That's it. Read on, my friend!
Hello. Welcome to the Disclaimer section. To read the average disclaimer, press 1. To read some strange, funny disclaimer, press 2. To contact Gainax authorities regarding the fact this is not technically a disclaimer, since it has not been mentioned that all the Eva characters and Eva itself does not belong to me, press.... Oh... wait... Nevermind.
The Monkey's Paw
by Supercat
It was a cold and dreary night in Tokyo.... the rain poured down hard like thousands of sharp needles piercing through the darkness.... Not a soul was out wandering... not a soul... except a lone, weary foreigner, exhausted from his travels. He sat down in a dark alley, and got the most sleep he could....(Oooh! Mysterious!)
Well, our story really starts the next morning.
Young Gendo awoke with a startle. Mostly because he wasn't in his house. Or his bed. In fact, he was next to his new girlfriend Yui, who had gotten conveniently drunk that night. Looking back, he wondered with a fright whether he had used a "Trojan Man" (well, that's what he liked to call them). And I say 'fright' because Gendo definitely wasn't the kind to raise a child, and he knew it..... But, he soon shrugged off the feeling... after all, what were the chances of her getting pregnant, right? So, he decided to take a nice whiff of morning air, and walked out the door. Then walked right back in, since he was in only his boxers.
After the long procedure of putting on clothes, getting sometimes confused with his and Yui's articles of clothing, like her bra, for instance, he had his walk. Wandering around Tokyo, he couldn't help but gaze at the great sites he became so accustomed to. Like the towering buildings, the lush green grass, or the occasional plague-infested rat.... Yes, truly a site for sore eyes.
But that faithful morning, he noticed something different. Sitting down on the side of the street, a poor, grubby-looking foreign beggar had settled down, probably during the night. Actually, he was sure it was during the night, since Gendo read the script, and...wha? wait a minute... Hey!
But Gendo soon found that there was something peculiar about this poor man... It wasn't actually the man that was strange, in fact, he was your average, smelly, looks like he's been mistaken for garbage and hurled into a garbage dumpster, thus traveling all the way to Tokyo in a truck, yes, across the ocean floor, beggar. but rather the furry object that he held interested Gendo.... he couldn't quite put a finger on it, but there was something odd about it...
Although he usually didn't like being seen with the homeless, or being around them for that matter, his curiosity got the better of him, and he couldn't help but wonder what the furry thing in his hand was. So, he slowly advanced, still staring at the mysterious object.
But he didn't have to take many steps, because the man had noticed Gendo peering at the object, and advanced toward him.
"Ah! Hello! I see you seem interested in the relic I have here..."
"Uh... Yes... What is it?'
"This," the weary traveling bum answered,"is the magical Monkey's Paw!(BOOM! Crash! Scary thunder!) Ahem. It was bewitched by an old fakir in India, who wanted to show that 'fate ruled people's lives, and that those who interfered with it-'"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Skip the whole intro thing.. What does it do?"
"Um... your sure you want me to skip that? It's important-"
"No."
"But-"
"Zip it!"
"You-"
"SupercalifragiZIPIT!"
"Hey-"
"ZIP IT. It's a kick in a can!"
"Um, okay, okay... it gives you three wishes.... You just hold it up in your right hand and say your wish out loud...... But-"
"When a problem comes along, you must ZIP IT! ZIP IT GOOD!"
"Fine!," the bum finally said, passing the talisman his way."Suit yourself, asshole...."
"What?"
"Uh...I said, 'Root your cellar hole'! Really! I did!" the man answered.
"Root your cellar hole?"
"Root your cellar hole."
Silence.
"Um... Okay... Thanks for the advice..."
So, with those last parting words, the man, newly freed of his large burden, went to find peace, forever delivered of the Ring.... um... I mean the paw.
Meanwhile, Gendo had a slight suspicion that he didn't say 'Root your cellar hole'.... but soon shrugged it off. Gendo's smart, no doubt about it, but when it comes to situations like those, he's about as clueless as Dr. Evil...
Well, anyway, with this new gift clutched firmly in his hands, Gendo waddled off in joy. As a matter of fact, he was so happy he almost skipped! But he didn't. And all those who can imagine Gendo skipping, seek mental therapy. Immediately.
Although, truth be told, he was happy to have it, he soon found he didn't really need it that much. He considered the whole rich and powerful thing, but he decided he didn't need a stupid, chopped off, rotting animal paw to achieve that. And, has the years went by, he married Yui and became commander of.. um.. that place that later got named Nerv... And, unexpectingly, he and Yui had a baby boy...(Damn! I knew I should have used a Trojan Man!). To sum it up, he found happiness without the aid of the paw, and he simply placed it in the desk drawer in his office.
But, soon, disaster struck! (ta, da, TTTAAAA!! Dramatic music!)
They were testing the proto type Unit 01 Eva, and, it went horribly wrong... The experimental pilot Yui Ikari, Gendo's wife,....well.... you know.... kicked the bucket, sleeps with the fishes, off to a better place, went bye-bye, drank Redbull and grew wings...etc.
Gendo's co-workers thought that he toke it pretty well (especially Naoko Akagi, who, apparently, thought it was more of an opportunity to screw around), but the truth is he didn't take it well at all. Okay, let's picture Gendo's heart seconds before the "tragedy"... okay... visualize...See it? Isn't it happy? Contracting, relaxing, contracting, relaxing...it's almost...hypnotizing..like those snot bubbles when anime characters sleep...such a hidden beauty..and..uh..Ahem.. well, anyway, as you can see, it's fine right now, but if we go a couple seconds ahead.... SQUEEZE! TWIST! WRENCH!...crack.. wheeze...cough.. Ow. That must have hurt. Let's see the replay: SQUEEZE! TWIST! WRENCH!... crack.. wheeze...cough.. Yeah. Not very pleasant. Let's just say he's covering it up REAL well.
So, his heart torn to tiny, itty bitty cuttsey wuttsey little pieces, on a night dark and stormy, not unlike the night in which this story commences, Gendo found the paw in the drawer, just as he had left it, and he wished his first wish....
Standing in the great underground depths of Nerv, and grasping the paw in his hand, he yelled with all his might, "I WISH MY WIFE ALIVE AGAIN!"
********************************************************************************************
Unless if you've already dismissed this fanfic as stupid, tune in next time to see the dire consequences of Gendo's wish! Unless, of course, if you already guessed what happens.... Or, unless, of course, if you've dismissed this fanfic as stupid AND you already guessed what happened.... Or wait.... uh.... wha.. AAHHHH!!! MY HEAD! THE PAIN!! *smash* *smash* *smash*. Ahem. I'm okay now. Either way, please review. Oh, by the way, I plan on finishing this... as a matter of fact, it's all in my head (well, most of it), so I basically just need to type it down.
Hello. Welcome to the Disclaimer section. To read the average disclaimer, press 1. To read some strange, funny disclaimer, press 2. To contact Gainax authorities regarding the fact this is not technically a disclaimer, since it has not been mentioned that all the Eva characters and Eva itself does not belong to me, press.... Oh... wait... Nevermind.
The Monkey's Paw
by Supercat
It was a cold and dreary night in Tokyo.... the rain poured down hard like thousands of sharp needles piercing through the darkness.... Not a soul was out wandering... not a soul... except a lone, weary foreigner, exhausted from his travels. He sat down in a dark alley, and got the most sleep he could....(Oooh! Mysterious!)
Well, our story really starts the next morning.
Young Gendo awoke with a startle. Mostly because he wasn't in his house. Or his bed. In fact, he was next to his new girlfriend Yui, who had gotten conveniently drunk that night. Looking back, he wondered with a fright whether he had used a "Trojan Man" (well, that's what he liked to call them). And I say 'fright' because Gendo definitely wasn't the kind to raise a child, and he knew it..... But, he soon shrugged off the feeling... after all, what were the chances of her getting pregnant, right? So, he decided to take a nice whiff of morning air, and walked out the door. Then walked right back in, since he was in only his boxers.
After the long procedure of putting on clothes, getting sometimes confused with his and Yui's articles of clothing, like her bra, for instance, he had his walk. Wandering around Tokyo, he couldn't help but gaze at the great sites he became so accustomed to. Like the towering buildings, the lush green grass, or the occasional plague-infested rat.... Yes, truly a site for sore eyes.
But that faithful morning, he noticed something different. Sitting down on the side of the street, a poor, grubby-looking foreign beggar had settled down, probably during the night. Actually, he was sure it was during the night, since Gendo read the script, and...wha? wait a minute... Hey!
But Gendo soon found that there was something peculiar about this poor man... It wasn't actually the man that was strange, in fact, he was your average, smelly, looks like he's been mistaken for garbage and hurled into a garbage dumpster, thus traveling all the way to Tokyo in a truck, yes, across the ocean floor, beggar. but rather the furry object that he held interested Gendo.... he couldn't quite put a finger on it, but there was something odd about it...
Although he usually didn't like being seen with the homeless, or being around them for that matter, his curiosity got the better of him, and he couldn't help but wonder what the furry thing in his hand was. So, he slowly advanced, still staring at the mysterious object.
But he didn't have to take many steps, because the man had noticed Gendo peering at the object, and advanced toward him.
"Ah! Hello! I see you seem interested in the relic I have here..."
"Uh... Yes... What is it?'
"This," the weary traveling bum answered,"is the magical Monkey's Paw!(BOOM! Crash! Scary thunder!) Ahem. It was bewitched by an old fakir in India, who wanted to show that 'fate ruled people's lives, and that those who interfered with it-'"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Skip the whole intro thing.. What does it do?"
"Um... your sure you want me to skip that? It's important-"
"No."
"But-"
"Zip it!"
"You-"
"SupercalifragiZIPIT!"
"Hey-"
"ZIP IT. It's a kick in a can!"
"Um, okay, okay... it gives you three wishes.... You just hold it up in your right hand and say your wish out loud...... But-"
"When a problem comes along, you must ZIP IT! ZIP IT GOOD!"
"Fine!," the bum finally said, passing the talisman his way."Suit yourself, asshole...."
"What?"
"Uh...I said, 'Root your cellar hole'! Really! I did!" the man answered.
"Root your cellar hole?"
"Root your cellar hole."
Silence.
"Um... Okay... Thanks for the advice..."
So, with those last parting words, the man, newly freed of his large burden, went to find peace, forever delivered of the Ring.... um... I mean the paw.
Meanwhile, Gendo had a slight suspicion that he didn't say 'Root your cellar hole'.... but soon shrugged it off. Gendo's smart, no doubt about it, but when it comes to situations like those, he's about as clueless as Dr. Evil...
Well, anyway, with this new gift clutched firmly in his hands, Gendo waddled off in joy. As a matter of fact, he was so happy he almost skipped! But he didn't. And all those who can imagine Gendo skipping, seek mental therapy. Immediately.
Although, truth be told, he was happy to have it, he soon found he didn't really need it that much. He considered the whole rich and powerful thing, but he decided he didn't need a stupid, chopped off, rotting animal paw to achieve that. And, has the years went by, he married Yui and became commander of.. um.. that place that later got named Nerv... And, unexpectingly, he and Yui had a baby boy...(Damn! I knew I should have used a Trojan Man!). To sum it up, he found happiness without the aid of the paw, and he simply placed it in the desk drawer in his office.
But, soon, disaster struck! (ta, da, TTTAAAA!! Dramatic music!)
They were testing the proto type Unit 01 Eva, and, it went horribly wrong... The experimental pilot Yui Ikari, Gendo's wife,....well.... you know.... kicked the bucket, sleeps with the fishes, off to a better place, went bye-bye, drank Redbull and grew wings...etc.
Gendo's co-workers thought that he toke it pretty well (especially Naoko Akagi, who, apparently, thought it was more of an opportunity to screw around), but the truth is he didn't take it well at all. Okay, let's picture Gendo's heart seconds before the "tragedy"... okay... visualize...See it? Isn't it happy? Contracting, relaxing, contracting, relaxing...it's almost...hypnotizing..like those snot bubbles when anime characters sleep...such a hidden beauty..and..uh..Ahem.. well, anyway, as you can see, it's fine right now, but if we go a couple seconds ahead.... SQUEEZE! TWIST! WRENCH!...crack.. wheeze...cough.. Ow. That must have hurt. Let's see the replay: SQUEEZE! TWIST! WRENCH!... crack.. wheeze...cough.. Yeah. Not very pleasant. Let's just say he's covering it up REAL well.
So, his heart torn to tiny, itty bitty cuttsey wuttsey little pieces, on a night dark and stormy, not unlike the night in which this story commences, Gendo found the paw in the drawer, just as he had left it, and he wished his first wish....
Standing in the great underground depths of Nerv, and grasping the paw in his hand, he yelled with all his might, "I WISH MY WIFE ALIVE AGAIN!"
********************************************************************************************
Unless if you've already dismissed this fanfic as stupid, tune in next time to see the dire consequences of Gendo's wish! Unless, of course, if you already guessed what happens.... Or, unless, of course, if you've dismissed this fanfic as stupid AND you already guessed what happened.... Or wait.... uh.... wha.. AAHHHH!!! MY HEAD! THE PAIN!! *smash* *smash* *smash*. Ahem. I'm okay now. Either way, please review. Oh, by the way, I plan on finishing this... as a matter of fact, it's all in my head (well, most of it), so I basically just need to type it down.