A/N: this is just a short one shot I did a while ago that was recovered from my dead flashie. Hope you enjoy. Basically, it's Lenalee wondering about the men who have shaped her life (and not all of them friends). The song is "I Stand Alone" from Quest for Camelot. Please rate and review unless you feel like flaming in which case please don't. If you feel like giving me constructive criticism, go ahead.
Disclaimer: I own a slightly warped mind, nothing more, nothing less, seeing as -man exists in places outside of m mind we can safely conclude, I don't own it.
I Stand Alone
I know the sound of each rock and stone
There was Marie, blind Marie who listened so intently. His ears told him more than other people's eyes did. He listened so carefully, knowing each of them by different sounds, like the sound of their heart. The sound of their life. Sometimes she wondered what it felt like, when Marie heard that heart stop beating. What did death sound like? Marie never told anyone, he dealt with it, on his own. Ever just the same big, friendly, giant. Gentle and willing to listen, but she couldn't help him. she could only watch and he worked on sound.
And I embrace what other's fear.
She remembered the panic she felt the first time she watched him run to try and save the akuma. He'd turned his back on her and resented her help. Allen, always polite and kind, Allen who hated to hurt anyone, who fought for both humanity and akumas. She hated that eye of his, she didn't know what he saw and it pulled him away from her, because nobody could really understand all he saw. She remembered him saving the Noah, Tyki Mikk, even though it risked his own life, and she had been helpless again. She hated that feeling with all her heart and wished more than anything that she could do something, but now he fought a battle no one could help him with. A battle of the mind, for possession of his body. To her the fourteenth was someone who it was impossible to love and trust, even if he had once fought with them, because he was taking one of her friends away and there was nothing she could do to stop him.
You are not to roam in this forgotten place,
Just the likes of me are welcome here.
She remembered when Lavi first came into her life, when he joined the order. He had been a little reserved for maybe a split second and then he'd been the happy-go-lucky junior she knew so well. She'd come across him once, buried in history, papers surrounded him, as he looked at things she didn't even know existed. Documents about times the world would rather forget. He'd laughed and teased her, abandoning his work but part of her thought she saw something different in him, like when he'd shouted at her on the boat. His eye looked like he was fighting with himself, within himself. What had horrified her was when that eye died, murdered by Rhoade, the emptiness she'd seen there. Bookmen had no need of a heart; it got in the way, made things subjective. She wished she could change his obligations.
Everything breathes and I know each breath
For me it means life, for other's it's death.
He made her think of the old saying, one man's trash is another man's treasure, except for Crowley it was one man's death was his sweetheart. She wondered sometimes, what was Eliade like? What sort of akuma was capable of falling in love, with an exorcist no less? He never really spoke about it and she never really pressed him, knowing how painful that memory must be. She knew the pain of loss all to well, it had become a constant companion since childhood, but he took it alone.
It's perfectly balanced, perfectly planned,
Lying on that floor, she'd wished for death, hating her innocence and the place that had taken her from her brother. Something had entered her vision, a cold, calculating face, devoid of ay true emotion. She still feared that face; still felt the need to run when it came close, still needed protection from Leverrier.
More than enough for this man.
Komui, her brother had done more for her than she could ever ask of another. Followed his little sister in a way that put romance to shame. Blood was thicker than water and theirs was thicker than most. He had fought, tooth and nail, to get to the top so he could be with her. Always looking out for her and all he asked for in return was that she came back to him, that she kept herself safe. She'd felt sad beyond belief when she had been drowning in the fight against the level 3, but not for herself. She was sorry for her brother because she couldn't go back to him and she knew that that would kill him.
Like every tree stands on its own,
Reaching for the sky, I stand alone
Lavi, Allen, Kanda, Marie, Crowley, Brother, please, please let me in, let me help. She hated that all they seemed to do was protect her, that she could do nothing in return. She wanted to help them, to carry some of their burden but they were all hell bent on keeping her safe. She was shielded from a world by men who didn't need her as much as she needed them. She felt so useless when she needed them to help her stand, because she lacked the strength, if not the conviction.
I share my world with no one else.
All by myself, I stand alone
Her world was made up of faces, and people and events. She could not imagine a place without them, it would be so lonely. Everybody seemed to have their own way to go, things to do, there own world to save. She wanted to help them with those things, make them go right and she hated it when she couldn't. Don't keep me out she silently begged them. I'll take whatever pain comes with it but don't make my world a void. She'd long since decided that the pain of loss was worth the joy of having them in her life. Sometimes she wondered why boys seemed so unwilling to ask for help, her brother had once told her it was because the all had egos. That they were scared to look weak.
I've seen your world with these very eyes
Don't come any closer, don't even try
She still remembered the first day she met Kanda. The small little boy, his hair no longer than hers was now, who seemed to hate the world. He rebuffed all approaches, determined to remain alone. She'd heard him mutter once about the lotus but she'd never been able to find it. She'd tried so hard, but felt she was often more of a hindrance than a help but he never complained. He'd always kept her safe, without complaint. He's protected her when her innocence had crystallised around her and the Earl took interest in it. he'd saved her from Tyki Mikk before that and later he'd kept Skinn Bolic at bay. Every time she needed to hide from Leverrier he was there, he had never yet objected to her presence. She just wished she could do the same for him, wished that there was some way she could help him.
I've felt all the pain and heard all the lies
But in my world there is no compromise
Silent Link who guarded Allen, a new addition to her life and extended family. She wasn't sure exactly what he was, where he fell in her estimate of things but he was fast becoming her friend. Her justice loving friend. She wondered what the crimson crows were like to him. Did he envy them? She didn't think so, somehow but you never knew. You could never tell with Link, his face was nigh on unreadable and she hadn't known him long enough to be ale to tell in other ways. She loved it when she saw human sides of him, like embarrassment because she fell asleep where he had to work. She hoped to see more of that side of him. Not the cold stranger he could be, determined to support himself and those he served.
Like every tree stands on its own,
Reaching for the sky, I stand alone
I share my world with no one else.
All by myself, I stand alone
Did they fear weakness? In a world where the weak didn't live long and the enemy preyed on human sorrow, could they afford to be weak? Was that why she struggled to fill the empty spaces in their worlds? She didn't know if she wanted to save the world. she didn't know if she had a choice, but she would settle for saving their worlds. To her there was no difference; an apocalypse on a personal level was every bit as bad as one on a global level. She didn't wish to see anyone alone.