(( A/N: I made this early on in the start of ACT 6, so there are a few problems stemming from lack of knowledge at the time (Dave still being around, Dirk getting mail). If you'd kindly ignore these things, I hope you'll find a moderately interesting piece of literature. ))
As you take two packages out of the mailbox, you have never felt lower.
You can feel your bro eying the boxes you carry as you set them on the table. Specifically the overly large, red logos printed on their cardboard. Of all the days your bro decided not to neglect you.
Your name is Dirk Strider, and you told yourself that you would only tolerate owning one piece of Crockertech. And now you own three.
Opening the boxes, you bring out the gaudy tools; first the Appearifier; which looks identical the Roxy's, and then the Enlarger; the name of which is total shit by the way, since you mainly plan on using it for shrinking things. While you are familiar with the former, the latter is completely new to you, and you're not looking forward to learning how to use it. It looks kind of like some of that photography shit your bro used to have lying around while he still had time for crap like that.
Pointless explanations aside, you will have to learn how to use the thing eventually. As much as you don't want to finalize owning these things, the schemes they serve to fulfill will hopefully be well worth the immense shame you feel. It's going to take a shitload of uranium, but you're prepared for that. You've been saving for just this day.
Shoving the gaudy red crap back into the gaudy, logo-covered box they came in, you retreat to your room to put these plans into action.
Raising the Appearifier out of the box, you can't help but get the face of a certain dorky islander in your head. That image reminds you what you're working for as you wield the Appearifier like a pistol at the floor, eying the coordinates you posted there for this very moment.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
TG: hey dirk.
TG: doyou have anty idea where my fernestered walls at?
TG: *to many goddame typos
TG: cus it suddently went all POOF an shit yanoo?
TT: Indeed I do.
TT: Oh shit actually.
TG: KLHAKJGHAJDGA
TG: OMG anothers ones goen to!
TT: Yeah, sorry. I forgot I needed two.
TT: Oh, by the way, I'm borrowing these. Hope you don't mind.
TG:STRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII DERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
TT: What the fuck?
TG: jk. *wonk wonk wonk*
TT: And a terribly misspelled "wink" to you too.
TT: Maybe I would even execute this gesture while holding two pistols, if I had such things in my position.
TT: Attempt to pull off an exaggerated overbite to get your heart throbbing.
TT: Then get on some magnificent island hoofbeast and ride off like a prince.
TT: And all of that reminds me that I have important things to do.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
TG: wait so wherw are wmy walls?
TG: ...
TG: *where
TG: *my
With two fernestered walls in your position, you are ready to set your plan into motion.
Starting with learning how to use this Enlarger you ordered.
How. Could the shame. Get any worse?
"Ugh, that was the most terrible thing I've ever read." You throw a Betty Crocker Enlarger users manual to the floor. "The things I do for this kid.." Usually you wouldn't bother with that kind of shit, but you have a limited amount of fuel and you're not sure if you want to accidentally crush several stories of crappy-ass apartment under a gigantic fernestered wall. Either way, after reading through that thing, you nearly think such needless manslaughter would be preferable. It was by far the most sugary bit of text ever to grace your shade-laden eyes. You had no idea you could even sugar-coat text like that, especially those of the instructional kind. Luckily, you'll never have to go through it again, because you edited that thing to perfection as you read. No one can beat you in a literary-off, you are simply the best to is.
Unfortunately, you may have gotten a bit carried away with that. It is now far later than you'd anticipated, and you don't think you'll be able to rest with this unfinished.
Your head a bit sore from all the cavities in your thinkpan, you get to work shrinking down a fernestered wall until it can fit in your Appearifier. After that, you can do little else until Jake gets up. Just like you thought, the guy's logged out of Pesterchum, probably asleep.
"I should take a shower..."
One awesome abulation later, you would mount your computer chair once again and check Pesterchum.
Damn Jake is sleeping in.
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
GT: I say! I am quite awake now thanks to you dropping this confounded window on my face!
TT: Whoa there, who said I did it?
GT: Why I believe this manual that came along for the ride has " strider" written all over it!
TT: I wrote no such thing.
TT: I only made some minor adjustments to that manual. I will claim no ownership of it's contents.
TT: Especially since it now belongs to you.
GT: Im assuming that it goes with this red thing laying next to me?
TT: Yes. You are going to use that to enlarge that "window" to a decent size.
TT: And before you ask, it'll have to be x2.5 larger.
GT: Hm, this do-dad is the enlarger?
TT: It is also the Shrinkifier.
TT: Or, if you will, the Enlarger-with-built-in-Betty-fucking-Crocker-Shrinky-Dink-fucking-rip-off.
GT: Ok then so I get this small window dohicky a bit bigger.
GT: What then?
TT: Then, you get your mind blown.
GT: ...
GT: In a good way right?
TT: You'll see.
TT: Get going, English.
GT: Righto! Ill hugen it up in a jiffy!
During your wait, you remember how you came up with this stupid plan in the first place.
- THIS IS A FLASHBACK -
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]
TT: Hey. This is your coordinates, right?
- timaeusTestified [TT] sent golgothasTerror [GT] the file " " -
GT: Yes that appears to be what i told you.
TT: I thought so.
TT: You're not on google maps.
TT: Which probably means no one is aware that you live where you are.
TT: No airports or any of that shit.
GT: ...Are you implying that youve been tempted to come visit me?
GT: Because that sounds oddly sweet of you.
TT: No.
TT: It simply means how the hell am I supposed to send you birthday presents and killer robots and shit?
- NO LONGER A FLASHBACK -
That was when you had to order your first Crockertech, one that actually turned out to be all the pride you swallowed. But you had also realized that you couldn't visit Jake by normal means even if you were the type to do something sincere like that. You'd have to be more imaginative if you ever wanted to meet him.
Luckily, that method suits you much better.
GT: You should be all set now strider!
GT: But why is it that you needed this?
TT: I already told you: You'll see.
TT: Now did you make sure to plug it in?
GT: Oh gosh! There does seem to be a plug for this contraption!
GT: I didnt even notice! Why is there a damn plug on a window?
TT: So it's plugged in now?
GT: Yes.
GT: Though i still want to know why im doing all these chores so early in the morning!
GT: Really all these random demands are making me a little nervous!
TT: Last time I'll say it, Jake.
TT: You'll see.
TT: Now you've done your part, I'll finish mine.
TT: You just hang around your house. Catch up on that sleep you were talking about. That would be interesting.
TT: See you.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]
You looked over to your own fernestered wall. You had yet to plug it in; apparently those things take an amazing amount of energy, not that your bro couldn't afford the bill, but hell, big ups for Mother Earth, yo. Now, though, you lean down against the floor and try to find a fucking light socket you haven't occupied with some of the coolest swag in existence. Eventually, you had to quick let you-don't-know-what quit so you could get the wall powered, which you could deal with. It was after that that was so hard.
"Oh god... I can barely look..."
Roxy had talked about what might happen to you if you don't test the stability of the planes before hand, but testing it seems almost as painful.
You have your hand around a pump plush ass, contrite as you contemplate your next action.
You step on the fernestered wall to break the glass, then you sorrowfully drop the smupett in.
So long, soldier.
Or not.
The little guy just hops right back to greet you. You kind of stare at as it hops back and forth between the planes, looking pretty thoroughly thrilled with itself. The chime of a Persterchum message assures you this is a good thing, so you grab the puppet back and throw it onto the bed.
It's a damn shame that Jake wouldn't be asleep when you showed up. That would have been so sweet.
No matter, down you go.
(( A/N: I'm pretty proud of this one, but if you have any critiques for this one, I'd be glad to hear them!
I also did have some ideas in the way of a second installment, the same events but from Jake's POV with some background on living on the island. Comment if you'd like to see it and I'll see what I can do!))