Chapter 1
I was having a nightmare. It wasn't a shock to me; I've been having nightmares every night for about 3 months. I didn't know why but I just did, and it was the same kind of
nightmare each time-I was dying. I was on fire. No one was around me to help me. I was alone, like always. I was in a building that I have never seen before. There was an
open window. I ran towards it and looked down. I saw a bunch of cars, and all I could think of was "How could they not see a girl on fire looking down at them from an open
window", but I knew what I had to do. I had to jump. It wasn't a scary thought to me; I was after all, suicidal. I just knew that I couldn't be in this pain, the fire was burning
me. So I stood on the ledge and-"bzzzz bzzzz bzzzz". My alarm clock on my cell phone went off. I looked at the screen. "6:00 a.m." it read. It was time to get ready for
school. So I rose from my bed, and went to go downstairs. My mom was already there, so I nodded at her and went to get cereal. It was like any other day; I ate my special K
strawberry cereal, and looked out the window. After I finished my cereal, I went to brush my teeth, and then I went in my room to get changed. I put on my ripped jeans,
and black hoodie with my black converse. I was feeling down, like I felt a lot this year, ever since January. Today was May 28th. I don't remember how it all happened, it's still
a blur to me, but downstairs my family was fighting. "If you don't stop being mean to Sam, she's going to go kill herself", my sister Brittany screamed. My other sisters Alexa
and Chelsea agreed, my mom was at a loss for words. I couldn't take it anymore; I slid on the ground and cried. I cried knowing they were right. After crying for about 15
minutes, my mom called out "Sam, we are going to be late for school!" So I put on this red bow headband that always makes me happy, reapplied my black eye shadow, got
my backpack and went downstairs. As I walked down the stairs, everyone stared at me. I felt awkward. "Are we going?" I asked annoyed. My mom nodded and we walked
out the door to the car. The car ride was really quiet, nobody talked. We finally arrived at the school after what felt life forever. I got out without saying goodbye, and made
my way to first period. English class. No one was there yet, not even Mrs. Gilmore our teacher. So I just sat down in my seat and put my head down on my desk, waiting for
the other students to come in. Finally Mrs. Gilmore comes in with a bunch of students, and the bell rings. All the kids that usually socialize in the hallways came in after the
bell. Mrs. Gilmore just looked at them. I was so tired from all the crying this morning, so I decided to take a nap. Class was over soon and my friend Lainey woke me up and
told me it was time to go to second period, art class. We arrived to art class and took our seats. Mr. Baker, the teacher, told us that today we were going to be using glass to
make a mosaic art piece. It made me happy that we were using glass. We were also using an x-acto knife to cut the glass into pieces. That made me happier. I held in my
hand the x-acto knife, and a piece of dark blue glass. I felt my eye twitch, and before I knew it I was pulled out of my seat and into the hallway by Lainey. "I knew what you
were going to do Sam." she said to me. "I thought you didn't cut anymore. And I didn't think you would do it during class". What is she talking about, I asked myself. Was I
really going to cut myself during class? I couldn't remember, but for the second time today, I broke down crying. I was having a major anxiety attack and my whole body was
shaking. Lainey took me to guidance. I opened up to my guidance counselor and told her I was suicidal. She seemed shocked that I was suicidal, but she comforted me and
told me everything would be okay, and I knew that day that everything would be after all. She called my parents, and they came to school in a flash. She told my parents
everything I told her, and told them it would be best to take me to the psychwards at Mather hospital. It's a unit for teens with problems, like being clinically depressed,
suicidal, bipolar, anorexic, bulimic, etc. So they did. My mom took me, on the way there she got me a vanilla bean frappuchino from Starbucks, and we were on our way
again. In the car I texted all my friends and told them how much I appreciated them being there for me, and whatnot. I got a bunch of texts back answering "What's wrong"
and "Where are you?", but I couldn't answer. We finally arrived to the hospital, and I didn't want to get out of the car. It was scary. We walked into the hospital and took a
seat in the waiting area, my mom filled out some forms, and i threw out my drink. They called our name, and we walked into a room with two ladies. They asked me a bunch
of questions, and I answered them honestly. Then they sent me to the ER to get tested. They made me put on a hospital gown and we waited in the ER for 3 hours. More
people asked me a bunch of questions, and I told them how I really felt. They made me pee in a cup, and they took about 2 or 3 bottles of blood from me. After a while, a
physician came in and told me that I was diagnosed with clinical depression. They said in time it will get better, I just need the right medication. They then admitted me to the
psychwards. Except, the adolescent unit, (for kids) was full. So they were going to put me in a room with this other girl, in the adult unit. You know when you watch a movie,
and there is that one guy that is all crazy? Well that's what he adult unit was like, and I had to spend the night there. A guy came and got me and put me on a wheelchair,
and wheeled me into the next floor, in his office. Everyone stared at me, knowing that I was one of the "crazies" who was going to go to the psychwards. For the 100th time
he asked me a bunch of questions. I found out that I have a cutting problem, I'm suicidal and clinically depressed, have ADD/ADHD, anger problems and mood swings, and
have a bad anxiety disorder. Great. He had me and my parents sign a bunch of papers, and then he wheeled me to my room in the adult unit. Little did I know things would
get crazy.