Chapter 1 The groceries isle held a lot of green looking produce that I placed in my shopping cart. Fresh cabbages, fat beans and bright pumpkins. Heh I chuckled at the thought of the word Pumpkin . I really like that word, rearrange it and you get Punk imp . Plus it sounds cheery and spunky. Whoever the English gentleman that came up with the word Pumpkin for this orange, funny shaped fruit was, he must have been excellent at wording his thoughts (Basically someone unlike me).
Since I came upon the word orange now, a whole new train of thought flooded my head almost instantly. Half of it was just various hues and orange colored fruits and veggies, but the most important thing was a person, a girl actually. She was someone that had invaded my thoughts and dreams from the day I first saw her. Let me tell you about her She was not a tall person, only reaching up to 5 3. She had a slim figure that was not too thin but had the right amount of body fat for a girl (The goldilocks zone in the Women s body fat scale , which probably never exists). Her skin was fair and it looked like beige snow in the sun. She had some tattoos in her arms, one of which reads Accentuate the positive Eliminate the negative (She was that kind of person). Her head seems to on fire because her hair is either orange or red (She changes her hair color A LOT). Her face is shaped like a strawberry and there is a gentle curve that reaches down from her cheeks to her lower jaw. Her cheeks were not bony but not also puffy either. In those cheeks are tiny, almost un-seeable freckles that added character to them. When her rosy lips widen to form a smile, sweet dimples appeared below her cheekbones making her smile more dazzling. Her nose was designed for a goddess but it looked better on her face (It was very symmetrical). Her eyes seemed to have two distinct colors in different moments. One day they would be light brown and on a different day they would be a dull emerald both of which had an unexpected beauty. Above her eyes, were her flaming bangs that used to reach down to her face covering her forehead but now were shorter and revealed her entire perfect face more. She has a voice so musical that can light anyone s day up. If I had to give her a nickname I would definitely name her Pumpkin She is the most breath taking person I had ever got to know of in my life, and as If on cue, (Probably one of those moments where everything falls into place in strange coincidences) a Paramore song started playing on the store speakers.
Remember that girl I was talking about, the one with the flaming hair? Well she sings in this band. The song that just started playing on the store speakers was their latest single called Still Into You . Just to be perfectly clear, the woman I was thinking about is Hayley Nicole Williams. By now you ve probably figured out that I m in love with her, which is kind of the reason for my heartbreak.
Hearing that song on the speakers put me in a different kind of mood. The lyrics kept shoving thoughts of being with her to my head And when our fingers interlock, can t deny, can t deny, you re worth it I did the rest of my shopping with these thoughts and when reached the counter, I must have looked like I was in a different planet because the cashier looked so quizzical. Is there something on my face? I asked ignorantly No, it s just you look really happy today She replied Do I? Well I don t know about that. I d probably have to check a mirror to be sure. I replied back smiling.
She returned a smile.
Cool she said. I have only seen this here girl for only about a couple of weeks. She replaced the old cashier who was a grey haired old man whom I was used to seeing. She had blonde hair and was wearing the store overalls over her blue shirt. She kind of looked familiar to me, maybe she went to the same university I did. It d be hard to tell because I see so many faces there.
She tagged and bagged my shopping list consisting of veggies, meat products, delicious peanut butter and two cans of Pringles. My head was not on the products though. It dwelled on the fantasy of spending time with the woman I love, having an intimate conversation with her, making her laugh and smile with us both knowing that we love each other more than anything else in the world. Oh how I wanted to be there with her, to be there for her.
The Paramore song faded away as I carried my shopping bags out of the store towards my apartment. And with the music my fantasy faded away, falling fast and hard down to earth again. Why would Hayley ever want to be with me? I m a nobody, an unexceptional sheep in a world where there is no place for unexceptional. Would I ever get to meet Hayley? Probably not, even if I did, would that single life defining moment of time be enough for me to leave at least something close to a good lasting impression on someone so exceptional like her? When everyday she surrounds herself with people that are extremely gifted, passionate, confident and not to mention good looking? The answer still dwells on the negative. Compared to someone like the nobody, an undesirable, the bad man that you tell your kids to stay away from, a walking shell of uncertainty and confusion, a mistake that should have been erased without much fuss.
My eyes took in the front view of the bookstore that was in ahead of me, I suddenly remembered why I had brought two cans of Pringles. I walked past the bookstore to the alley next to it, my eyes searching for a familiar face. Lo and behold there he was! I walked up to him to strike a conversation. Good morning, Larry I greeted him Oh hey man He replied, removing his head from the dumpster that he was poking around in I came by to give you something Look man, I know that we re friends and everything but that doesn t mean you have to take care of me all the time. Not that I don t appreciate the thought, it s just I cut him off before he could finish his sentence Dude it s a can of Pringles with a huge smirk on my face Larry took a couple of seconds to evaluate his thoughts. Well in that case We both started laughing Man I really feel like I owe you everything now, you still take care of me whenever you can even though there s nothing forcing you to do it Larry said at the end of his laugh.
Taking a deep bow, I said T was my pleasure Sir Larry in a British butler accent.
Jackass I was really being grateful ya know? Larry said also smiling Hey what are friends for? Anyway why don t you open that can so we can both eat a few of those chips right now? In agreement he removes the lid of the cylindrical container, puts his fingers inside and takes out a handful of chips which he offers to me. I take them and I slide off the top piece and bite half of it. This is nice I thought. Larry was one of my close friends. He didn t always use to be this way. He once was one of the janitorial staff in the university. My first encounter with him was when I slipped right in front of him on the floor that he had just mopped. As he helped me off my awkward position I first saw that he was around my age, probably 3-4 years older than me. He was pretty tall too. He had a goatee and wore glasses back then. I only thanked him that day but I saw him more and more in the future and got to be really good friends with him. I also got to know that he had a gambling problem, which put him in serious debt that he couldn t escape from. After the bank took his house away his wife left him too. He was still my friend though, and I couldn t leave him alone and friendless. So I try to be there for him and help him out in tough situation when I can. Larry needs a friend now and then to help him in his moments of doubt. It wasn t just that either, I enjoyed spending time with him. Life is good when you are with the people that you care for. But if that s the case then what if you re separated from the one you care for?
Damn it. There I go again falling back into the endless loophole called love, specifically a love that ll never be known, accepted or returned. This world was not supposed to have Hayley Williams and me in each other s embrace. Yet the worst part is even though I will never get to be with her, it doesn t chase my feelings for her away. I remember the first time I first laid my eyes on her. I was just scrolling through the TV channels when I saw Hayley in front of a mike, singing with her gentle voice, the song called The Only Exception . And it was instantaneous, what I felt. I ve never felt something so amazing in my life ever before. From the day I saw her I wanted to know more about her, I wanted to make her unbelievably happy; I wanted to be hers and only hers. It was one of those moments when you meet someone so amazing that you don t want to fall in love with anybody else. My soul called out for her every time when something reminded me of her. But every time it did I always found myself alone because she can t hear me, she never will and I ll be destined to wander life alone my heart always on her yet to still unable to reach out and be with her. Oh how I would just give anything not to feel so lost anymore.
Where are you? Larry saying this broke my train of thought and snapped me back to reality.
Man you look like you ve got something locked up inside your head. You can talk to me about your problems ya know Thinking about what he said I take a risk and ask him,
Larry, do you think we are born for a reason, maybe to be with someone, to spend our lives with that destined person, to be unconditionally happy in their lives?
I didn t tell him about specifically about Hayley or about the heartbreak I felt because he would think that it s ridiculous, that I m pathetic. To be honest I wouldn t blame him for thinking that, there are times even when I think it s totally ridiculous and creepy to fall in love with a girl you saw in TV. I haven t even talked to her, I haven t even met her in person, but still some part of me wanted her more than anything. It s obvious that these feelings will one day tear me apart, and that s what Larry will probably say to me, he advise me to just let it all go, to forget about her. The thing is my feelings for her are not my curse, in fact I realize that I enjoy them; thinking about her brings happiness to me. It s just the fact that it s impossible for me be with her is what s tearing me apart inside.
Larry thought about what I said for a minute, a strange expression invading his face. Was he thinking about his wife? He did love her, she must have meant the whole world to him, and she still might be.
Well the truth is I don t know if we re meant to be with someone or to just live alone. I mean look at me, my wife left me and I m left alone with nobody to love. But there are people who have somebody to love and care for. When I see two people like that, they look to me like they were meant to be with each other. Like I said man I don t know. Maybe some people are meant to be alone. What he said last cut through to me like a hot knife through butter. It s fairly probable that I m just one of those people that don t fit with another person that intimately. I can imagine myself being in an intimate relationship with someone, but maybe the truth is that in reality I m just not made for something like that. I ve only been in one romantic relationship in my life. The reason it didn t work was because I was too distant. Maybe the hard truth is if I ever was in a relationship with Hayley, I would eventually just end up hurting her or even worse.
It was hard to Imagine me doing something so awful to the woman I love. But there s something deep inside of me that knows that I m just going to hurt her. Deep inside I knew that I could never make anybody happy, that there s no possible way anybody, especially Hayley could love me for what I am. It was hard to imagine a life spent alone. Maybe that s why I try to believe that I m meant to be with somebody, to hide the truth that I am meant to be alone.
I take a few seconds silently asking Why me? What have I ever done wrong to be like this? Why am I the one that has to spend the rest of my life unhappy, angry and alone? You alright man? Larry asked Oh! Yeah I m alright it s just a question that just randomly popped into my head I lie right into his face.
I take another chip and start eating in. I realize that this was the first time that I ve actually even slightly taken the risk of opening up to someone. I didn t have many friends and Larry was the one that I was most intimate with, yet even to him I have never opened up to him about anything. It was always just random thoughts that we dwelled on in our most conversations, there were days when he opened up to me, when he needed a shoulder to cry on, especially when his wife left him. Why was it that we didn t talk about my life I wonder? Was it simply because there was nothing in my life worth talking about? I mean my life was nothing but a routine. Only very rarely did it have some historic moment that defined my petty reason to exist.
I also realize that I didn t like even being slightly opened up in front of Larry. It made me feel powerless, so desperate and so pathetic.
Listen man I have to go now, I ll come by tomorrow too. Sorry I said looking to exit the awkwardness that I created hoping that come tomorrow we ll both forget it.
Okay man, see ya he raised his hand as a gesture of goodbye. I did the same, spun around and started heading off back to my apartment.
I didn t mind the buildings surrounding me as I was walking back to my small apartment. I just turned left at the next intersection and walked one block till I neared the traffic lights at the street crossing leading to the brick-walled, three storey apartment building where I lived. That s when I noticed a family also waiting to cross the street. There was a lady holding a small child in her left hand and clutching her second older son s hand with her right hand. Right when saw her let go of her son s arm and reach for something in her handbag, it happened.
The little boy dropped his yoyo on the ground and it kept rolling like a coin straight onto the asphalt. He didn t see the silver sedan coming fast from his left. His mother s eyes widened in shock and fear when saw her son facing certain danger and that she was late to pull him back. There was little time to think, the only thought that went through my head was that if I didn t do something, that boy is going to get run over by that car. I ran to the boy as fast as I can and pushed him back onto the pavement. Now what? What about me? It happened after a split second. The car struck me from behind. The impact was hard. I ricocheted over the vehicle and landed hard on the ground, and that was all she wrote.
This was the day I died.