Sleep evades me.
I rise from the bed where my sweet and newly engaged sister resides in dreams.
Her dreams must surely be happy… were that mine could be so now.
Have they ever been happy? I do not think they have, and it appears as is I have lost the chance of finding that restfulness.
The feeling of his love…
No. No.
I must not think of that now… it is lost to me.
He once said that he found it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offences against him.
That his good opinion, once lost, was lost forever.
Well I have surely made offence against him…is all hope lost forever with his good opinion of me?
It makes me cold to think so.
Oh despair.
I should not feel so.
I should feel overjoyed for the good fortune of my sister and her fiancé.
Dear me, I feel as if I will cry with that thought, but shall it be in joy or sadness?
The thought of her beloved led to that of mine.
No.
Not mine.
I have lost him, and made a right mess of thing as well.
I have embarrassed myself in front of my family.
No I must amend that, her Ladyship deemed it so to embarrass me in front of my family, and bring my fears crashing down upon me so harshly.
I cannot believe that… that woman came here intending to rip that last glimmer of hope that I could have from my heart, however small and irrational it may seem to cling to it tightly.
These wall are closing in upon me, I must get out of here quickly.
I dash out the door, no care for my attire, whom should see me anyhow?
I seems as if the earth responds to my plight, the mist rises and seems as if to shroud the land, to hide the trees… I am lost in the mists, and do not know where I should now go.
Is there hope in wrapping my arms around myself that I shall ward off the coldness that threatens me?
No, I do not think it so… it would it only t'were his arms…NO!
Those thoughts should not be mine.
These thoughts, so dark shall consume me… why are I not able to relieve myself of them. I wish to be free of such gloom.
I see that the light is gathering slowly in the east… will the sun warm me?
Hmm… the mist seems to part, I wonder why?
What… no who is that?
Oh.
By Divine Grace… may I hope that it is.
He is walking here… in all his glorious beauty.
Hope.
Closer still, he has not stopped.
He appears so open now, so different from the first moment I saw him.
So cold, so distant, so full of disdainful pride.
So different now.
Closer.
I can see his face, so handsome, but I cannot tell his agenda, his mood.
His mask is firmly in place, yet it is a neutral mask.
So near.
He walks with a clear purpose
I can see into his eyes… oh how deep they seem.
He has stopped before me.
Did I see that?
His mask seemed to falter.
Should I speak?
Yes, I feel myself talking, and I hear his replies, yet I focus only upon his eyes, they lead me into his soul.
Warm, I feel warmth growing inside me now that he is near.
Shall it remain?
Shall he remain?
Did he… did he just say that his feelings are unchanged?
That he loved me?
Oh that I could rush into his arms, but no… what shall I say?
The words are stuck in my throat.
I must reply.
The only thing that comes to my mind as I grab his hand is to remark on their coldness.
How can be so cold and yet be able to warm my soul so completely simply by being here?
The sun has finally risen, but it is my love that has driven the despair away.
I have finally found my match in him.
My beloved.
My Mr. Darcy.