A/N: this is an AU one shot. I just wanted to write something a little more sombre after 'Call me daddy.' It's definitely a different genre than most of my Naruto fics. I wanted to experiment with expressing emotion without outright stating it. Let me know how I've done, seriously this isn't the most happiest of fics be warned.
This fic was heavily inspired by a Smallville cholana fanfics called Error: Memory by lint. I haven't read Smallville in years but that fanfic always stayed with me. Check it out if you like Smallville fanfic.
XxXx
Haku took a deep breath before he gathered his courage and knocked on the door. "Ah, ma'm?"
Sakura glared out from the mountain of paper work that was towering over her. Her desk was covered in many different coloured stacks of stationary. The table seemed to groan under the weight as the pink haired chief shifted some finished sheets in order to glare more fully at the idiot that disturbed her. "Hannamar, I'm going to assume that you can't read and that's the reason you're disturbing me despite the sign on the door."
Haku Hannamar swallowed nervously "yes ma'm I mean no ma'm I can read but the big chief sent me to get you to come."
"Tsunade knows I'm not to be disturbed," Sakura dismissed him and went back to her paper work.
Haku hovered nervously in the doorway. When Sakura seemed to shift in irritation he cleared his throat, she couldn't actually kill him he reassured himself. "B-but it's your special patient-she's-"
Sakura swiftly held up her hand to cut him off. She stood in silence and pushed him out of her office. She followed locking the door after her. "Are you on duty in her ward Hannabar?"
"Yes sir me, Jun and Satori," he nodded dumbly having to jog to keep up with the chiefs lengthy pace.
"Get your fellows and take a break," Sakura said entering the elevator and jabbing the button to shut the door.
"Ah, Yes ma'm, uh, thank you," he stuttered in confusion. When the elevator doors opened on a sterile white corridor Sakura strode out without a backwards glance. As she came to the double metal doors he squeaked. She turned to glare balefully at him and he held up a plastic box nervously "you're supposed to put your belongings here c-chief."
Sakura's gaze seared through him and he thought he would melt. He limply put the box back on the table feeling exceptionally foolish. Sakura swiped her key card in the door and entered the ward. She marched to the sound of screaming. On either side of her dull thumps were heard as occupants through themselves at the barred doors. She came to a stop at one of the plain non-descript white doors of the corridor. She rested her hand on the cool wood and let out a weary sigh. She hated the fact she could tell every raised bump by heart. "She's quite…"
"She's was screaming for you a few moments ago," Tsunade didn't question how the other woman knew she was there. Sakura was her student after all she would expect nothing less than greatness from her.
"Do you think it's passed?" She didn't turned to her mentor but instead bent to lean her head against the door. Why did her strength always leave her here?
"She might have worked herself into a lull, she was lucid for most of the day yesterday," Tsunade didn't have the unspoken accusation that anyone else saying that would have.
You should have came then, was what they would have guilted her with. Sakura pushed herself away from the door. In that moment, she looked like the older of the pair. A heaviness deeply ingrained in her being made her movements slowly and heavy. Only in front of Tsunade, she would only let herself be that way in front of her, no one else. "You won't need me to calm her then," she said trying to gather strength amongst the screaming noise of the corridor.
"…No," Tsunade said leaning heavily on her walking stick.
"I-I have plenty of work to do. The Hokage's anniversary is coming up, there's lots to do," her voice sounded scattered.
"You don't have to make excuse to me," Tsunade said not meaning it as a jab. Sakura winced anyway "she-it…I'll," she couldn't even lie. "Call me if she gets worked up."
"I will," Tsunade nodded gravely. Sakura, not having once looked Tsunade in the eye, turned and left. By the time she reached the elevator she was the chief again.
XxXx
I forget sometimes, well, most times. I don't mean too but that's why I'm writing this. I don't want to forget the things that are important to me. Or at least I want to remember them when I get better. You see I'm in love. Even when I forget I still remember that. It hurts most of the time. I can remember what it's liked to be kissed and loved and held tightly in strong arms but I can't remember whom they belong to. It aches to have these feelings and no faces. I search and search sometimes but since I don't know what I'm looking for I give up and have to cry.
Sakura, her name is Sakura. She has pink hair and green eyes and an overbite. No, no she got rid of that when she turned eighteen. There's a half moon shaped scare on her left hip, or was it right? It's the width of my thumb. I remember caressing it. She's great, her smile makes me warm inside.
Sometimes, when the panic is clawing at my chest and I'm trying desperately to remember who I'm missing, I think that no one could be worth this pain. My heart seizes up and my stomach freezes. I want to throw up everything I've ever ate and my guts roll with the wrongness of the world. And then I remember her. The piece that was missing. She was worth it all.
I don't want myself to forget that. She's worth it. We're worth it all.
XxXx
"-Chief! She broke the door!" Haru's voice broke with panic as he curst into Sakura's office scatting paper like leaves.
Sakura was up like a shot running to the elevator. She knew, somehow just knew, who he was talking about. "She's fighting the nurses! They're trying to contain her but she has a tail!"
"How many?!" She roared impatiently as the elevator took it's time. The stairs wouldn't go to that ward or else she would have thundered up them.
"Just the one!" the elevator rocked violently throwing them both to the ground. "Oh God what was that?!"
The doors opened and the thick reinforced steel doors to the corridor bent outwards a circular whole cut through. The key card didn't work and Sakura had to tear a door from its hinges to get through. ANBU officers filled the narrow corridor a green shield flickering before them. Their combined chakra doing all it could to withstand the rage of the first manifestation of the nine tail fox.
"Sakura!" Neji yelled as close to relief as anyone would see him.
"Let me through!" She ordered.
Without hesitation she was thrust in font of the terror. It was pretty bad today. Ino was wearing an old white summer dress. It was ripped and singed as the orange aura of the fox burst from her like an acidic cloud. She was on all fours and the white walls of the corridor where blackened with scorched marks. Ino growled at her and made to charge. Sakura fell to her knees until she was at eye level with the charging beast. It didn't looked like Ino would stop. Her once blue eyes were ringed with rage as her now pointed teeth bared.
They collide and knocked into the green flickering shield. It held. The aura burned Sakura making her skin blister and scream. She didn't let go. Ino pinned her down ferociously and growled. Naruto had nearly killed her when he was possessed but Ino wouldn't.
"Ino you're hurting me," she sobbed.
It seemed like the fox didn't hear her but Ino's eyes were trained on her. Slowly the blue she loved so much began to flood back. The burning retreated leaving her skin shiny red. "Sakura…" Ino breathed sounding cruelly lucid for a brief moment before she collapsed.
"Sakura," Neji came forward letting the shield drop. Other member of ANBU stood solemnly behind him. "We'll have to inform the Hokage of this."
She nodded and struggled to sit up with Ino's weight. Neji moved to help her but she tightened the circle of her arms. She would not let Ino go. "Don't," her voice was harsh "don't pretend to help now. I needed it then not now."
He swallowed stiffly her jaw muscle bulging. In a flash he and his unit was gone. She cradled Ino against her chest, their bodies still curled around each other naturally. Her heart clenched.
"Chief?" Haru's tentative whisper couldn't break her sorrow.
"Make sure the other patients are secure and safe, I'll have to find a replacement for the doors," she said picking Ino up. He would ignore her tears and never mention them to anyone. Or else. She brought Ino back to her bed and placed the blanket on gently. Before she left she secured the restraints, she had enough experiences in adjusting them so they were tight but didn't leave bruises. She kissed the blondes forehead and left.
XxXx
I wake up in pain occasionally. My body aches for a reason I can't remember. Sometimes there are bruises and scratches. My fingernails and hands get bandaged and they put me in a gag. They think I don't know but it leaves welts on my jaw that really hurt.
What scares me more than the bruises are the strange places I wake up. That means they didn't catch me in time. I don't know how or why I hurt people. I forget the reasons. I just whish I didn't. I hope I didn't hurt her.
XxXx
"So this is were you're hiding," Tsunade side sitting down on the bench beside her. She didn't look up from the clipboard she was writing on.
"I'm hardly hiding, I do have an entourage of interns," she waved at the three nervous medical students that were holding stacks of paper work that would fit on the bench. Tsunade didn't really care about the work and sat down on top of the paper. It would at least keep them from blowing away in the wind.
"Is that why Naruto couldn't find you?" Tsunade asked staring off at the grey sky.
"He's feeling guilty. It's not his fault," Sakura repeated.
"So you keep saying, doesn't change the fact he infected your girlfriend," Tsunade tightened her grip on her stick.
"It's not as if he had a choice. He didn't forget to cover his mouth when he sneezed, he died. It was better it went into her than an Akatsuki member," Sakura snapped. She stood rigidly and turned to leave "and she was my wife, not my girlfriend!"
"You young people and your new ways," Tsunade rolled her eyes but seeing Sakura leaving she quickly spoke "he's moving her."
Sakura froze but didn't turn. "Naruto is moving her to a safer environment. Now that the nine tails has manifested itself he can't risk her in the village."
"I won't allow it. She needs medical help," Sakura denied flatly.
"Medical help? You think she's going to get better?" Tsunade's chuckled was deliberately cruel. It scraped the insides of Sakura. "All she needs is a nurse maid and that's what I am already."
"If she has an incident you'll need me to calm her," Sakura said thinking the case was closed.
"There's a new weapon. It can take down a pack of raging Onbaa. It should work on her," Tsunade continued to study the gray sky.
"The Thunder shot? You plan to shoot her like an animal every time she gets a little irate?!" Sakura raged and the interns shrank back. She turned to stare at the other woman who looked just as young as she did. Tsunade would die beautiful defying time on the surface at least.
Tsunade just shrugged one shoulder in reply.
"I won't allow it," Sakura said with finality storming off.
XxXx
She rolled up her sleeves and grimaced at the cabin. It was gleaming from the wooden floors to the freshly painted ceiling. The furniture was moved from their house that she hadn't stayed in for years. The shape of the rooms were different but the items and pictures were just the same. It was painfully nostalgic. Even the kitchen had the white tiles with a trio of daisies in the corner. When they had first moved into their house in the village they had fought over them. They hadn't the money to buy those and a fridge. Ino hadn't listened to her and bought the tiles anyway. They spent the next month eating sandwiches.
"Grip that any harder and the stuffing will burst," Tsunade rescued the throw pillow that Sakura had unconsciously been strangling.
She didn't bother to answer. She strode to the veranda doors. They looked out onto a small vegetable garden at the side of the house that led onto an infrequently used road. The road was empty.
"Shikamaru will be along shortly with her," Tsunade said placing the pillow back on the couch. Sakura didn't pay her any attention she just looked vacantly out the window. "Naruto-"
"-Doesn't get mentioned in this house," Sakura spoke firmly.
Tsunade nodded. He had refused Sakura's demands of keeping Ino in the hospital. He had set up this lovely cabin close enough to the village that no one would attack them but far enough away that Ino couldn't hurt anyone. Sakura had quit her job at the hospital to take care of Ino. "You haven't seen her since the last incident. And you last seen her lucid…"
"One year, six months, three days," Sakura answered without trouble "I haven't seen her whole in four years. The last words I said to her was 'you go left' and it was that morning I last told her 'I loved you" She turned to glare at Tsunade "don't tell me when I last interacted with my wife. I remember," she remembered it all. She left Tsunade alone in the room.
XxXx
"What are you doing sweetie?" Tsunade asked as Ino seemed to fumble with her fingers.
Ino looked up with unseeing eyes. Her fingers twitched mechanically and her palms rubbed together randomly. "I don't know," she answered dully staring at her moving limbs in confusion. She kept on fearing to stop. "I've lost something…"
Tsunade snorted at the understatement but left her alone. She wasn't harming herself or anything else so she let it go. Sakura was watching with a stony face in the doorway. Dinner cooked behind her and when she saw Tsunade watching her she turned her back.
"It's a mild day," Tsunade said keeping Ino in her line of sight even as she entered the kitchen.
"She-" Sakura seemed to cut herself off. She gripped the wooden spoon until her knuckles went white. Ino was fumbling through the first seal of her mind transfer jutsu.
"You have to stir or dinner will burn," Tsunade chided.
"She was in my room again last night," Sakura growled changing the subject. "You must have forgot to lock the door."
"I locked it," Tsunade said.
"Not well enough it seems!" Sakura snapped back "tonight use the restraints on the bed."
"Don't you think that's a little harsh? All she did was sleep beside you," Tsunade said "she is, you keep reminding me, your wife after all."
"Tie her down," Sakura said taking the pot off the ring and shoving it onto the counter "I'm not hungry."
XxXx
"Hey billboard brow!"
The old insult made her entire body shut down. She slowly came to her senses and methodically wiped her dirty hands on a rag. She stood from the vegetable patch she was tending to turn to Ino holding an assortment of flowers.
"Who picked these? I swear you don't learn anything from me," Ino rolled her eyes and tossed the flowers in the bin "red and white flowers together are bad luck!"
"I didn't know," Sakura said stiffly.
Ino sighed "it's a good thing you're cute Sakura 'cus you'd never get by on your smarts," Ino pressed against her and she swallowed hard.
She had to fight against her body. It wanted to melt against Ino like it hadn't in years. "After I get back from work lets go for a pic nic," Ino whispered in her ear. Her voice was smooth and carefree like in the past. "I can show you how to pick nice flowers, though if it turns out like last time we might end up ruining them," she giggled into her ear.
She couldn't take any more. She roughly broke the embrace and stalked into the house. "Tsunade!" she yelled and the old woman looked up from her book. She didn't bother to say anything else as she slammed the door to her room to block out Ino confused calls.
XxXx
You don't forget everything all the time. Actually that's very rare. You always remember something. Days, events or people. It's just different times you really bad at remembering. Sometimes you think you're a little girl and Sakura's your best friend or you're a pre-teen and Sakura's your bitter rival. And then there are times like now. Like when you're writing letters. You're aware that there is entire blocks of your past that are missing. Like pages torn from a book.
It's extremely scary, to know that there is something wrong with you. Something you can't stop or fight against. Sometimes you wish, only rarely and never aloud in fear that it might happen, that you didn't remember at all. It's okay to only be a child in your mind or a pre-teen or one of those or even all. But to remember that you're a sick adult, to remember how only an hour before you were screaming mindlessly because you didn't know what you're thumb was and were afraid of the loud noise you were making. To snatch your hand away from the fire and look into kind eyes and remember with embarrassment that a second ago you didn't know what fire was. To be aware that any second you could revert to another mentality more degrading and shameful that before.
You wish you were spared the moments of intelligence. The moments you grasped your condition. You wish you could hide in ignorance.
It's not just the shame and the humiliation that makes you wish for ignorance. In those times, when you are aware of what you've become you also become aware of what you made her.
Sakura who can't bare to look at you. Sakura that seems to walk with a limp that you've caused. Sakura who's forever crying inside for you. You've made her almost as broke as you are and that's why you wish you didn't have those rare moments of intelligence.
It's selfish but then you've always been selfish so that at least is in character for you. But you wish you could just be trapped remembering the girl you love instead of having to see the woman you broke…
XxXx
It had become a game to Tsunade shortly after she promised her last student that she would look after her wife. The game was to try and guess at which part of her life Ino woke up in that day. Rarely had there been several days in which she stayed in the same time. The first time it happened was a year after the incident. She had retained all her memories until she was twenty six. She stayed as twenty sic year old Ino for eight days. After the forth day Tsunade foolishly told Sakura.
Sakura had come running spilling into the room like sunshine. The weariness that had started to settle on her even then had dispersed chased away like a dark cloud.
Twenty-six she's still missing nine years but that's okay! Sakura had smiled so heartbreakingly joyful that it still made Tsunade frown with guilt to remember it. We had only been flirting then but now there's time to get the rest back or start again!
After the eighth day when Sakura had come to visit Ino her radiant light shattered at seeing her playing with dolls on the carpet. It's okay eight days, next time might be longer until she's finally okay, Tsunade remembered Sakura's brave smile as one of the most tragic things she had seen.
"Where are you today?" Tsunade muttered to herself as she watched Ino doing sit ups in the garden from the kitchen window.
"She's seventeen," Sakura said coming to stand like a marble statue next to Tsunade. She didn't look at either woman but busied herself by filling a glass of water. "That was the stage when she did excessive exercise and listened to pop music."
Tsunade watched Sakura study the water glass before setting it down untouched. Ino's reflection moved distortedly in the glass and she understood that Sakura had only needed an excuse.
XxXx
Sakura flinched as something wet connected with the back of her head. She turned to see Ino glaring at her. She read to the back of her head and found that mud was clinging to her hair. She glared back.
"Hey, forehead, you might want to try washing!" Ino snarled "if you think Sasuke is going to want a smelly billboard brow like you your delusional," she gave a force scathing laugh.
Sakura clenched her fist and turned around to ignore her. She scanned the living room for Tsunade but couldn't see her from the garden.
"I mean who could ever love such an ugly girl like you? The sight of you make me want to run screaming!" Sakura knew that Ino couldn't possible know how much those words hurt.
XxXx
"I'm back," Ino whispered in her ear as she slid into bed next to her, "bathroom," she explained.
Sakura lay still. Ino's arm crept around her waist and the blonde snuggled in intent on going to sleep. Horror gathered in Sakura's chest at how peaceful Ino was behind her. She could melt into the false promise. Sink into the lie. She took a deep breath, Ino was all over it. Her eyes burned but she made herself slip out from the bed.
"Don't leave me," Ino muttered sleepily reaching for her.
Sakura opened her mouth but couldn't answer such a deep question. The next day she added an extra lock to Ino's door.
XxXx
"Who are you?! I swear stay away!" Ino swung the lamp clumsily to keep Tsunade at bay.
"Ino we're friends," Tsunade tried to sound soothing but the tone rarely came to her. "Put that down and come have something to eat with us."
"Ino?! Who's Ino?! My Name is Jane!" Ino jabbed the light at the silently approaching Sakura. "Please if you let me leave I won't tell anyone about you!"
Ino began to cry and her read tear stained face snapped something in Sakura. She grabbed the lamp and used her strength to break it in two like a match. Ino gasped in fright and Sakura couldn't bare the fear in her eyes as she looked at her. She knocked her out and caught her as she fell to the floor.
"That was a bit harsh," Tsunade said but noted how tightly Sakura clutched at Ino. Sakura didn't say anything just held Ino and stared, grimly, unseeing beyond their embrace.
XxXx
"Sakura!" Ino called grinning widely. She held up a black fluffy ball that was wiggling in her hands "Gai-sensei."
Tsunade watched as Sakura serious features bloomed into a smile of delight as laughter burst from her throat. The sound was strange and rough from lack of use. It startled Sakura enough that she placed her hand over her mouth. Tsunade saw for a small moment Sakura forget and the years shed from her leaving her a happy young woman.
For a moment.
Tsunade regretfully watched as the years snapped back into the other woman. Her eyes dulled and her body flinched as it remembered it momentarily forgotten wound. Sakura turned and fled into the house to gather herself. Ino watched her go with a roll of her eyes "I told her that joke last night at Lee's party and she loved it," she shared a long suffering sigh with Tsunade "girls are so fickle," she said without a trace of irony.
XxXx
"So I'm having problems with my butterfly stitch," Ino said arching her back and thrusting her chest out at Sakura even as she swayed idly from side to side trying to hide her nerves.
"What?" Sakura frown. She wasn't good with playing along with Ino's moods.
"Your stitching is always so neat and delicate, maybe we can get together over coffee and you can talk me through it?" Ino said shifting her feet in that way she only did when she was anxious. "I know that old hag Tsunade runs us pretty hard but even she has to let us have Sundays off. I was thinking maybe then we could get together," Ino the hurried to go on "so you can help me with my stitches! Not for coffee and time wasting but-but productive medical stuff…"
And it suddenly occurred to Sakura that they had had this conversation before. When she had been much younger. Ino had told her in later years that she was testing the waters to see if she had a chance with her.
She drew herself up sharply and bluntly said "no."
Ino look injured as she slunk away.
XxXx
"What are you doing child?"
Ino looked up with blank eyes as she stood before Sakura's door. Tsunade limped towards her leaning heavily on her stick.
"I don't know," Ino said her voice echoing dully with loss.
"Come away," she said placing her hand on the girls lower back and guiding her down the hall.
"In there," Ino gazed with puzzlement over their shoulders back at Sakura's room "there's something in there, I have to go."
"Shhh," Tsunade said soothingly as she passed the picked locks of Ino's room. Ino let herself be led trying to remember what it was that was pulling her down the hall.
XxXx
You weren't the sanest before. You remember now with a clarity that won't last. You had spent most of your time in other peoples heads. It was your special move that made you perfect for intelligence and information gathering. It was taking it's toll on you even before. You would pull a part of the person you possessed with you. So many voices in your head that your afraid you might not be able to find you. Or you were, at least back then.
Sakura told you to see a councillor but you didn't want anyone else inside your head even metaphorically. Now you seem to live out the phantom voices lives as you forget your own in favour of theirs. It's rare but in these moments of knowledge you remember calling yourself different names and breaking Sakura's heart all over again.
XxXx
"It's the damn foxes fault she's like this!" Choji yelled from the garden. He clenched his big knuckled fist in threat.
"We don't know if that's really at fault, mental illness is a mostly unknown field," Sakura said and her voice was calm and sharp.
"Bullshit!" Choji roared full of fire and passion "she wasn't like this before the damn thing possessed her! I have the scroll here! We can take it out of her and she'll be normal again!"
"It could also kill her," Sakura said nearly growled.
"Death is better than this crap!" Choji screamed and there were tears in his eyes "don't you care about her?! She loved you! How can you watch her wasting away! We have to save her!"
Tsunade stood in the safety of the living room with Ino at her side staring unawares at dust motes in the moonlight. She watched as Chouji's words lashed into Sakura making her flinch. Shikamaru appeared between the two and turned to speak to Choji. The grief stricken man dropped the scroll in the mud before throwing himself over his team mate in a luxurious show of grief as he sob. Shikamaru led him away.
Sakura gazed at the scroll resting lightly on the mud. She walked until she towered over it. She slowly bent to retrieve it when a foot pushed it deeper into the dirt. She looked up at Shikamaru's shadowy face. No words or verbal communication was spoken or inferred but Shikamaru took his foot of the scroll and stared at her without inflection before finally leaving.
Sakura couldn't bring herself to life the scroll. She left it there until the weather destroyed it.
XxXx
"You only like the pink ninja because she's cute!" Ino accused sitting at the table with her cereal.
"Yea but you only like the black ninja because he has long hair," Sakura rolled her eyes.
"And a giant wolf robot!" Ino defended her cause.
"The red ninja's phoenix is better," Sakura grinned. They had had this argument several times before.
Ino rolled her eyes. Her face changed to sly for an instant before she pulled Sakura into her lap. "I suppose," she said softly brushing a stray bit of hair from Sakura's face "that I can agree that pink ninja's are cute, especially," Ino drew closer to the blushing Sakura "when they're making me breakfast…"
Sakura broke away as Tsunade entered the kitchen. She flushed at being caught rehashing old arguments.
XxXx
Ino slept peacefully as winter raged outside the house. Sakura stroked her long hair which badly needed trimmed. She could almost fool herself into thinking that this was their old home and Ino would wake up from her nap and demand to know why Sakura had let her sleep long enough to get imprints on her cheek.
Ino's jeans fit her snugly wrapping tight to her . Her blouse was loose but light while her bra was dark. Sakura could see its outline and bit her lip. Her warm hands traced the naked length of Ino's arm. She snatched her hands away as she flushed guiltily and moved into the kitchen embarrassed at having touched her wife.
XxXx
Looking back on it Sakura wondered how she didn't notice Ino's interest in her sooner. Watching as Ino tried to covertly ogle her without getting caught was painful. Sakura could feel Ino's eyes on her as she followed her every movement. How had she missed that in the beginning?
"She's definitely a teenager," Tsunade said in amusement watching Ino's gangly pinning.
And just like that Sakura remembered the situation.
XxXx
"I know it's hard for you…"
Sakura turned from dusting the shelves in the living room. Ino stood their in the plain purple shirt and jeans you dressed her in that morning. Instead of the babbling child a woman stood confidently in the centre of the room. The air crackled as awareness shot up and down Sakura's body.
"I'm sorry, there's so many times I've wanted to say that. I'm so sorry," Ino took a step closer walking with adult grace "I wish I was better, that these periods last longer. That I didn't break your heart everyday I'm sick. I wish I could give you the sun and the stars and my life failing all that. I robbed us of time and I'm sorry. You're crying," Ino titled her head to the side looking infinitely mournful but understanding.
Sakura let the duster fall from her hands as the tears fell from her face. Her Ino proper, whole and all to temporary stood before her.
"How can you love like you do? How can you stand to be around me? If it was the other way around, I don't think I would be strong enough Sakura. To see you everyday, to see you forget me and hate me and nothing me. To be loving you one moment and a stranger the next, I couldn't do it. I love you with everything I am and to see how much I'm hurting you…you're so strong."
Sakura fell to her knees sobbing. She covered her face as Ino sank down beside her. "My noble Sakura at my side forever," Ino pulled Sakura's head to her chest "I love you, I love you…" she repeated because she had wanted to tell her but had forgot to so many times.
"I'm sorry I'm sick," she whispered placing her last letter in Sakura's back pocket.
XxXx
You can't take it anymore. You've been selfish all your life and it's time for you to stop. The moments of clarity are getting few and far between now. Each one take longer to come. It can only mean you're getting worse. You think back on you're selfish wish to not remember and can't describe the regret.
You can't forget her completely. You can't live without knowing her, without knowing that you know her which is a different thing altogether. And you can't live with breaking her heart even more. You could be selfish and let this play out until the end. You won't remember breaking her heart and will get a few fleeting unremembered moments of joy. But you won't let yourself indulge in this last selfishness.
You love yourself but you love her even more. These letters started off addressed to you but now they're addressed to her. Your last goodbye. Your final words to her, the only words you want her to remember are;
I love you,
Forever yours,
Ino.