Memories of a Life Not Lived

by LdyAnne

Rodney wakes up in the infirmary. A woman waits at his bedside who claims to have known him for the last year and a half. Is it a sinister Pegasus galaxy alien conspiracy or is it something more?

1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis doesn't belong to me. Too bad, so sad ;-(

A/N: How nervous am I? Not only is this my first Stargate Atlantis story, but it has an OFC. If that's not your thing please hit the back button now. Please be kind. I really do have more stories planned, both gen and slash if I survive this one. (Okay it's not really my first SGA story, but it's my first SGA story here.)

With thanks to chocolatephysicist for the beta. The story is much better because of her. Any mistakes still remaining are my own, because yeah, I never know when to leave well enough alone.

---

The sound of the heart monitor was the first thing Rodney heard when he returned to consciousness. It was reassuring in its steadiness. That coupled with the fact that his sheets had that peculiar itchy quality to them that he only experienced in the infirmary told him where he was. He searched his memory trying to remember what had happened to land him in the infirmary this time, but there was nothing there, just the faint echo of pain that whited out everything else. At the moment the pain was far distant and he felt like he was cocooned in cotton.

'Carson used the good drugs,' was his hazy thought.

He took a chance and cracked his eyes open. The infirmary was a dim blur and he blinked trying to clear the fog that threatened to swamp him. He really needed to wake up if only for a moment and make sure the rest of his team was okay.

His team. That surprised him. When had he gone from thinking of them as 'those-guys-he-went-through-the-gate with' to 'his team?' Huh.

He blinked to clear the grit from his eyes and the blurriness resolved itself until he could make out shapes. He blinked again and Colonel Sheppard was there, bending over the bed, a hand on his shoulder holding him down.

"Hey, Buddy," John said softly.

Rodney blinked again to make sure John wouldn't disappear and to assure himself that he wasn't still in some drugged stupor, but John stayed reassuringly real, the hand resting on Rodney's shoulder warm and solid.

"You still with us?" John asked, one brow raised in query. His voice was weird, like it was coming down a long hallway.

Rodney opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. He licked lips that were chapped and dry. From his other side a spoon with an ice chip was pressed between his lips. He swallowed, letting it trickle down his throat relieving the dryness. He turned grateful eyes to the right, expecting to find Teyla or maybe Elizabeth. He was surprised to find someone he'd never seen before in his life standing there staring down at him tremulously.

The woman smiled, "Hey, Rodney, you scared us." Her hand slipped to his cheek and paused there, caressing it lightly with her fingers.

"I'm sorry…," despite the ice, his throat was still rough and scratchy. Rodney suspected he'd been intubated at some point while he was unconscious. "Do I know you?" He frowned up at her trying to recall if he'd ever seen her before.

Her mouth dropped open and she traded a swift, alarmed glance with Sheppard. Tears misted her eyes as she replied, "It's Jillian, Rodney, don't you remember?"

He studied her face trying to place her. She was pretty in a petite and brunette kind of way with green eyes and a scattering of freckles across her nose.

His gaze shifted to Sheppard, "Sorry... injured man here. Who is this woman... and why am I trying to remember her?" Rodney was growing increasingly more confused and he didn't like being confused.

There was a choked sob from the vicinity of the strange woman and Rodney was saved from her tears by Carson's arrival.

"Here, here, what's going on now?" he demanded. He took Rodney's wrist and turned a fierce scowl at Sheppard. "Jillian's just had a wee babe and should not be out of bed. Colonel would you help her please?"

Sheppard opened his mouth and it seemed as if he had something to say before shutting it again firmly. Rodney closed his eyes while Carson performed his check. He heard Sheppard and the woman moving away. Dimly he could hear her sobs. What? What had he done?

"How do you feel, lad?" Carson asked, his voice gentle.

"Like I'm going to be very, very sorry when you take away the good drugs. What happened? And who was that?" He levered his eyes open again to scowl up at Carson.

Carson's face creased into a concerned scowl. "You don't remember Jilly?"

"No, should I remember every strange woman who comes through Atlantis?" Rodney could still hear her sniffles and Sheppard's quiet murmuring as he tried to calm her. "She had a baby? Good, god, you let her have a baby here?"

"It's perfectly safe, Rodney, now calm down. And breathe for me."

There were so many questions Rodney wanted answered, not the least of which was what had happened to him, but he was drifting away again. The drugs were pulling him into the sleep his body needed to heal. And as much as he also wanted to find out why a strange woman thought he should know her, he couldn't stay awake any longer.

---

The next time he woke up, Rodney's mind was clearer and the pain was more present. He spent a minute contemplating the ceiling tiles, thinking that Carson really needed to do something to jazz them up and then patients would be in a better mood when they woke up in the infirmary. Maybe he could get a poster of Sam Carter to put up there. That would certainly make him happier to wake up in the infirmary every time.

He shifted a little and the pain spiked. He moaned and clutched the blanket, trying to ride it out. A face swam into view. Sheppard.

"Hey, McKay," he drawled, "how you feeling?"

Rodney cleared his throat, it felt like sandpaper, scratchy and unused. John picked up a cup of water and helped him to take a sip. He took it away before Rodney was ready, but at least his throat no longer felt like the Sahara had taken up residence there.

"Like natives shot me when I tried to take away their favorite toy," he rasped.

John grinned sardonically, "You go to the head of the class, you got it in one."

"Really? And you didn't stop them?" Rodney stared up at his friend. Sheppard appeared to be healthy and whole for a change while Rodney was the one lying in the bed, life was definitely unfair.

"Well, I tried, Rodney, but you pissed them off when you tried to take their holy relic. I had to work hard to just get you back in one piece."

Rodney didn't remember much, just the panic as the natives surrounded him when he got too close to their holy 'relic,' or ZPM as he liked to call it. And a lot of pain. It was probably better that he didn't remember it. He shifted again, more mindful of the pain this time. Still it spiked through his body and stole his breath away.

John's hand on his arm helped to ground him and he concentrated on its warmth until the pain receded enough that he could talk again.

"Crap that hurts," he muttered.

"You want me to get the doc?" Sheppard asked. His tone was casual, his concern was betrayed in his eyes.

"In... in a minute." Rodney licked his lips. He really wanted the good drugs, but he also wanted a few more minutes of coherence. "Who was that girl that was here before?"

Something crossed Sheppard's face, Rodney couldn't quite determine what. Concern? It was gone before he could identify it.

"Jillian? You really don't remember her, McKay?" His head cocked askance, frank disbelief was in his voice.

Rodney shook his head, remembering to keep the movement minimal. John's mouth tightened.

"Geeze, don't look at me like that," Rodney spluttered, "it's not like I don't remember you."

"Rodney, she's your... friend, you've only known her for like the last year and a half."

Rodney gaped up at Sheppard, not quite comprehending what he was saying. Was it even possible to forget someone that thoroughly?

"Where's John Sheppard and what have you done with him?" Rodney whispered, "Because I don't make friends remember?"

"Oh, come on, McKay, she likes you for reasons I can't quite explain. She sat up with me waiting for you to wake up. For hours I might add, and when you didn't know her, it really upset her." There was more, Rodney could see that, but he was too tired and in too much pain to push. "So just... go easy."

"Is she still here?" Anxiously he craned his head as far as he could without causing anything to hurt.

"Nah, the doc released her back to her quarters. She's there with the baby."

"She had a baby?" He remembered that from before, but he'd thought he had to be mistaken.

John smiled, soft and goofy, the way he did when there were kids around, "The first baby born in Atlantis," he confirmed.

It just astounded Rodney that they allowed a baby to be born in the city. Atlantis was a war zone most days, certainly not a place for babies. And babies were unsanitary and noisy. And they were bad for productivity. Every female in close proximity forgot they were supposed to be working when a baby showed up on the scene. Once he was up and around he'd certainly let Elizabeth know what he thought of the situation.

He moved restlessly, shifting without thinking and now the pain crashed in upon him. The room whited out and all he was aware of was the fire eating away at him. He heard John calling for Carson, but it was distant and he doubted that Carson could hear if John was only whispering. He spent an eternity with the fire licking at his insides before he felt a cool wave sweep through his body, taking the flames with it. Rodney sank into the blackness, grateful to leave the pain behind.

---

It was over a week before Carson let Rodney out of the infirmary.

His injuries were severe and Rodney spent a lot of that time just sleeping, although he was aware a couple of times of a presence at his side. He slitted his eyes, not wanting to betray the fact that he was awake. Whenever it was the sad-faced woman he stayed firmly asleep. He just couldn't face the fact that he didn't remember her. It disturbed him a lot that he could just completely forgot someone whom he'd supposedly known for a long time. What else had he forgotten? What else of his genius had he lost?

When he voiced his concern to Carson, the doctor just scoffed at him. "You've not lost any of your 'brilliance,' Rodney," he was told in no uncertain terms.

"But how do you know?" he insisted, shifting nervously on the bed. "Is there some sort of tests you can give me to make sure my brain looks right?" he asked anxiously. Really, it was only his concern for Atlantis that made him anxious. It was his superior brain that had saved them time and again.

"Oh, and now I think you might be daft in the head," the doctor said, incredulous. "Usually I have to tie you down to get you in here for tests."

"But this is my brain we're talking about, Carson," Rodney said earnestly. "I need it every day of the week to save Atlantis. We could very well be doomed if there's something wrong with my brain."

The doctor coughed and Rodney couldn't be sure, but he might have been trying to hide a smile, "Trust me, Rodney, there's nothing wrong with your brain."

Rodney lay back against the pillow, his arms crossed petulantly, "Then why can't I remember this Jello person?"

It bothered him more than he could say that he couldn't remember her. Not that he was all that good a people person, and it had taken him nearly a year to remember Zelenka's name. But if he and this girl was such good friends, he ought to be able to remember something, anything, about her.

Carson sighed, "Jillian, Rodney, her name is Jillian."

The doctor crossed his arms looking down at his patient. Rodney had gotten Sheppard to smuggle in his laptop and he sat in the bed tapping away at keys. If it were anyone else, Carson would put his foot down. But Rodney became nervous and agitated when he couldn't work. For him, work was therapy. It had the further benefit that it kept him occupied so he didn't bother the nurses as much. So Carson did his best to make sure Rodney stopped working at a reasonable hour, got plenty of sleep and ate correctly while he was under the doctor's watchful eye.

"And I'm not sure why you can't remember her," he admitted finally. "You remember all the events of the last year or so. You just don't remember her. I think it's got more to do with your mental health, than with your physical health, so I'm recommending you see Dr. Heightmeyer once I've released you."

"Oh, please, like that's going to help," Rodney didn't even pause in his work.

"It might. And if you want to get out of here you're going to agree to it."

That got his attention. Rodney looked up sharply, his lips thinned, "Oh fine, use blackmail on me, why don't you?"

"I've found in my dealings with you, Rodney, that's the only way that works," Carson said in satisfaction. "Now, you're doing nicely. The colonel will be bringing you some clothes and I don't see any reason why you can't eat lunch with him in the cafeteria this afternoon."

"Well, thank you very much." Even so, Rodney perked up. His day was definitely improving.

"But..." the doctor stopped him as he started to climb out of the bed, "if I hear you're not keeping your appointments with Dr. Heightmeyer, I'll have you back here faster than the speed of light." He chuckled at his own joke.

Rodney blinked at him, "Did you just say 'faster than the speed of light?' Cause I have to tell you, it's not very funny."

"If you want out of here, lad, you'd best laugh," Carson said.

"Oh, ha ha. Anything else, Doctor Vodoo?" Rodney asked in his best snide tone.

"As a matter of fact, I want you to take it easy for the next week. Radek's been in charge of the lab this week and he hasn't blown anything up"

"Yet," Rodney qualified under his breath.

Carson ignored him and continued, "I'd like for you to only work half days until…"

"Oh, like that's going to happen," Rodney said with a roll of his eyes as he threw the covers back and clambered out of the bed.

Movement at the doorway caught his eye. Hoping it was Sheppard with his clothes, he looked up in time to see the woman, Jillian, start through the door. She was holding a bundle in her arms. She was so absorbed in it she didn't see Rodney for a second. When she looked up to find his eyes on her, she paused. She started to turn away, then she took a deep breath and stepped resolutely toward them.

"How are you doing, Rodney?" she asked, smiling tentatively. Rodney couldn't bear the hope that flared in her eyes. He wasn't sure what she was hoping for, but he knew he couldn't give it to her.

"I'm fine, just fine, Carson's letting me out of here, today," Rodney floundered. He was absolutely no good with women, even ones who weren't hot or physicists. So he had no idea where to go from there.

Carson, damn him, just stood back and observed, offering no help in the conversation whatsoever.

"I'm so glad to hear that. We were all worried about you." The baby in her arms stirred, letting out a soft cry. Jillian bounced it a little. Rodney just wished she'd go away. She made him feel strange with her soft, hopeful eyes and the smile curving around her lips.

"Well of course you were, Zelenka might have blown up the city without me to protect you," he huffed.

She giggled and Rodney started. He wasn't used to women giggling when he talked.

"Radek was very worried about you, too," she said.

The baby in her arms gave out another abortive cry, protesting the fact that she wasn't the center of the conversation, Rodney assumed. He recognized the tone of her cry having used it himself often enough. Suddenly, with no warning whatsoever the woman thrust the baby at him.

"You haven't met Maggie, have you?" Before he could protest, the baby was in his arms and there was nothing he could do about it.

He stared down at the bundle in his arms, mouth working but no words were coming out, until, "What kind of mother are you? Do you just hand your trusting, unsuspecting child to every stranger you know?"

She looked totally unrepentant, in fact she grinned, she actually grinned at him! "Rodney, whether you remember it or not, you are my friend and you really looked forward to Maggie's birth. You said you wanted to hold her. It's not that hard." Her frankly amused gaze matched his, challenging him and he broke and looked down before she did.

"Well certainly I work with delicate Ancient systems every day. I manipulate the power systems and forces of the Ancients with nary a blink...," he made the mistake of stroking a finger that was oh so small and soft and the baby raised her intense blue-eyed gaze to him and he was lost.

Even though she was not yet two weeks old, he could see the fierce intelligence in her eyes, the need and desire to know everything there was to know and suddenly he knew he was the one who was going to have to teach it to her. There was no else in Atlantis or back on Earth who would be equal to the task. She wrapped her little fingers around his and held on with an iron grip.

"So, how difficult could it be to take care of a baby?" he finished not really aware of his audience anymore, wrapped up and in love with the child in his arms.

"Well, I see we're all getting to know each other," Sheppard's sarcastic drawl drew Rodney's attention back to the infirmary. Sheppard had approached in his usual stealthy manner and stood lounging at the foot of Rodney's bed.

Rodney hurriedly pushed the baby back to her mother. Before anyone could say anything more, he snatched his clothes from the colonel and stalked to the bathroom wishing he could slam the door behind him. But the most he could do was think 'close' as hard as he could. The door didn't shut fast enough, however, to block the sounds of the laughter that followed him.

He took as long in the shower as he could. By the time he emerged the only person left was a disgruntled Sheppard. He sat on Rodney's crumpled bed, playing a game on the lap top that Rodney had left there in his retreat to the bathroom.

"That was rude, McKay," he stated in a no-nonsense tone.

"And you are surprised, why?" Rodney inquired.

He felt better for having showered, more human. All he really wanted now was to eat and return to work. Maybe once he returned to the familiar routine of his life he wouldn't be haunted by the thoughts of a green eyed woman and her bundle of baby.

He paused to bat Sheppard's hands from the lap top, closing the programs and snapping it shut. He tucked it under his arm and headed for the door without another word to the colonel.

When Sheppard saw Rodney was leaving without him, he hopped from the bed and hurried after him. "Hey, wait up," he called.

He fell into step beside Rodney entirely too quickly and walked easily beside him. John didn't say anything, but Rodney could sense that he wanted to talk about Jillian and why Rodney still couldn't remember anything about her. And Rodney didn't want to talk about it – to John, to Carson, to Heightmeyer, to anyone.

He didn't like the thought that there might be something wrong with his memory, it was something he had always been able to depend on without even thinking about it. He'd spent a lot of his time in the infirmary confirming that he still remembered things that he should know. He did calculations in his head to make sure that he still knew how. Everything seemed to be in order. But if he'd forgotten an entire person, would he know if he'd forgotten more?

Rodney just picked up the pace.Even though he'd been in the infirmary for two weeks and he was quickly winded, he wasn't going to admit that to John Sheppard. He was relieved when they approached the noisy mess hall. Maybe in there they could return to the rhythm of their normal relationship without a strange woman continually coming between them.

He loaded up his tray in the line and made his way to an out-of-the-way seat. Not that he really thought anyone else would want to sit with them. Sometimes he would find Sheppard sitting with other people, but no one else really wanted to sit with Rodney McKay. Maybe that's what bothered him about the woman, Jillian. She so obviously wanted to connect with him, and he wasn't used to that. She had to be crazy if she wanted to know him so much, and he always made it a point to avoid crazy people.

When Sheppard sat, Rodney perused his plate to see what he'd gotten that Rodney might be able to steal. Not that he would, but it was nice to have options.

"So," he made a stab at the mystery meat in front of him. With the Daedalus bringing them regular rations now, they weren't so prone to have to eat whatever the SGA teams could find. And yet it was sometimes hard to know just what it was they were eating. Not that he minded. Sustenance was sustenance, and his body had to have it. So, he usually just ate it without wondering. "Who is this woman and why is she stalking me?" he asked without preamble.

"Her name is Jillian, Rodney," Sheppard answered, his tone one of clear disapproval as he dug into his meal with a little more caution, sniffing the meat before he ventured to take a taste. He always ate slower than Rodney, usually eating a lot less. Which just left that much more for Rodney to steal, so it worked out for the good. He chewed and swallowed before answering, "She's having a hard time, McKay, just be nice to her okay?"

"I don't know why I have to be nice. I don't have to be nice to anyone else. What about her husband? How does he feel about her stalking me?"

Sheppard's face turned white and he swallowed too quickly, the food going down the wrong way. He coughed explosively, his face turning red and splotchy. Snatching up his water, he sipped it trying to get things settled. Still it was a moment before he could speak again. "I'm going to remember that you've been out of it for awhile, Rodney, and give you the benefit of the doubt," he said when he could finally speak again. "Her husband is... dead, he died on a mission just before their baby was born."

Suddenly the food in front of him didn't look so appetizing. Loosing her husband and a friend who didn't remember her all in the same week that her baby was born was enough to make any woman a little clingy and weird. It was no wonder she needed him to remember her. She probably needed her best friend to provide her some comfort and support, and Rodney had no doubt that he was her best friend, he could see it in her eyes every time she looked at him.

"Well, if someone would tell me these things," he spluttered, pushing his vegetables around on his plate.

"Now you know, so give her a break," John said. He leaned forward, his gaze earnest, "You really don't remember anything?"

Rodney kept his eyes on his plate as he shook his head. "Not a single thing. The first I remember of her is when I opened my eyes in the infirmary." He was struck by a sudden thought, "Oh, you don't think she's some kind of alien do you? That's infiltrated the base?" The words tumbled out as he warmed to his theory, "She's managed to insert herself into everyone's consciousness, but mine. Maybe because my brain's special or because I was wounded or something and it messed up my brain chemistry. It happened at the SGC once."

Sheppard just regarded him in stunned surprise, mouth half open. He finally snapped it shut and stood, slamming his chair back from the table.

"You are a piece of work, McKay. You would do anything to keep from admitting that someone might need you for something, wouldn't you?" With that, he took his nearly untouched tray and dumped it, leaving Rodney sitting alone.

Rodney finished his lunch, doing his best to not think about John's outburst or a woman suddenly without a husband and a best friend who had forgotten her. How had that happened anyway? He was no good with women, he never had been.

Physics he could do, physics was simple when compared to women. They said they were alright when they weren't. They expected you to remember things like birthdays and anniversaries and the color of their eyes. They asked stupid questions like, 'does this dress look good on me?' Then they got mad when you told them the truth. How was a man supposed to deal with that? But somehow it had happened. He had a women who was a best friend and he didn't have any idea how to recreate the conditions that lead to that outcome.

He ate by rote because he knew he should, but he didn't taste anything, it might as well have been ashes on his tongue. When he finished up, he stood irresolutely, unsure where to go or what to do with himself.

He should go to his quarters, he was tired and achy, but he knew he'd feel better if he stopped at the lab first and checked on his people. He really did consider it a miracle that they hadn't managed to blow up all of Atlantis in his absence, and he'd just be able to rest more comfortably if he checked on things. Beckett had told him to take it easy and only go back to work in half shifts. Yeah, like that was going to happen.

When he left the mess hall his steps took him in the direction of the labs. He'd only stop in for a minute he told himself. And, just as he'd expected, there was an emergency with the city's power supply. He waded in, helping to avert near disaster. It was late in the evening by the time he made his way through the quiet corridors to his quarters. He was drained and hurting, thinking maybe Carson had something with the whole half-shift thing, not really paying attention to where his feet were taking him.

He was surprised when he looked up, his hand on the control to open the door of what he'd thought was his quarters when he realized he was in a new part of the city, one he didn't remember ever seeing. Before he could move, the door slid open and Jillian stood there, staring at him. Behind her, Rodney could hear the baby crying at the top of her lungs. He was surprised the sound didn't trigger the city's automatic defenses.

Jillian herself looked tired, her face was pale and there were dark circles under her eyes. She hadn't looked that bad in the infirmary, had she? He was embarrassed to admit that he didn't remember, he'd just wanted her to go away.

Her eyes widened to see him standing there and he saw a brief moment of joy flit across face. He was afraid she was going to throw herself into his arms and he took an involuntary step back. She was smart, he had to admit that. She understood immediately that he wasn't at her door because he suddenly remembered her, the joy was gone and she just… shut down.

"Rodney," she said, shifting uncertainly, "I... did you... want something?"

"I... uhm... well, I just wasn't paying attention to where I was going and I ended up here. Even though I didn't know here was here." He peered past her into the room, it was larger than his and he could see there were doors into other rooms.

She leaned against the door jam, the weariness radiating off her body in waves, "We opened up this section a few months ago, Rodney, when people started getting married. They're actual apartments. Do you want to come in?"

Rodney could see that she was just being polite. As much as she might want him to remember her, at the moment she just wanted him to leave. He had enough experience with people to know when they just wanted him to leave. "I... uh.. no, I don't want to bother you. I just got lost that's all."

Her lips curved then, in a bare smile and unexpectedly his heart tore to see it. He found himself wanting to hold her close and take away the pain he could see she was doing her best to hold at bay.

"Well, good night then, it's... nice to see you." Suddenly he didn't want to leave her then, he wanted to stay. He wanted to make her smile as she had earlier. He wanted to take the baby in his arms again and rock her until she stopped crying.

But he didn't know how to say it and then he was too late to say anything as she stepped back and the door slid shut in his face. "And you, too," he said to the closed door.

Not knowing what else to do, he turned in the direction where he thought his own room lay and walked slowly away. He didn't take too many steps before he decided that he wasn't going to do it, he was going to go back and offer to help however he could.

He turned in time to see someone else standing at Jillian's door.

At first all he could see was a shadow in the dim corridor. Then the door opened and light from the room bathed the corridor in a golden glow and Rodney could see that it was John Sheppard that stood there at Jillian's door.

Jillian threw herself into his arms, sobbing wildly. He was too far away to hear what they said, but he saw John smooth a hand down her hair as he patted her back soothingly. Rodney watched until they moved back into the room and the door slid shut blocking them from his view.

---

Rodney spent the next day avoiding both Sheppard and Jillian. It wasn't hard when he locked himself into his lab with the excuse that he needed to concentrate on calculations and he couldn't do that with the rest of his staff muttering around him.

It actually worked the first day. Radek made a token attempt to get back into the lab, but soon gave up and went away. There was really only person who might be able to get in and Rodney took extra steps to make sure he couldn't sweet talk the city into letting him in.

Rodney was feeling a little smug when he made it to the second day without anyone managing to gain entrance into the lab. Still he wasn't altogether surprised when he heard the sound of the door opening behind him and the scrape of Radek's chair as John pulled it over to sit down next to him.

"How in the hell did you get in here?" Rodney demanded without looking up. Even so, he could feel John's satisfied smirk.

"What can I say?" John replied. "Atlantis loves me best."

"Oh, please, like that's even possible." Rodney just kept typing as if the calculations he was working on might mean the difference between life and death. And they might have, if Rodney actually knew what it was he was working on.

"Seriously, Sheppard, how did you get in here so I can fix it next time. In case you didn't notice, I was trying to keep your ass out of here."

"Seriously, McKay," John answered in the same snide tone, "if I told you, I'd have to kill you."

"Oh, haha. You know that wasn't even funny the first time you used it, right?"

Instead of his usual snide rejoinder, John's voice was serious and concerned when he asked, "What's up, McKay?"

"Oh, you know, the usual – life, death, imminent destruction. So why don't you leave me alone, so I can get back to it?"

John refused to take the hint. In fact he went way past annoying and straight into pain-in-the-ass when he reached over and put his hands on top of Rodney's, making it impossible to type.

"What do you think you're doing?" Rodney demanded belligerently. "This is very important work I'm doing here."

"I'm sure it is," John said patiently. "And I'll let you get back to it when you tell me what has crawled up your ass and died."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rodney replied stiffly. John's hands rested on his, weighing them down. He wanted to pull them back, but he didn't want to look like an idiot if Sheppard wouldn't release them. That was all he needed.

"You really are Captain Kirk, aren't you?" Rodney spat out. "I mean her husband's only been dead, what…? Two weeks? And you're already visiting the grieving widow in the middle of the night." McKay's fierce gaze challenged John to deny it.

Instead of the righteous indignation Rodney expected, John had the temerity to laugh. He leaned back in his chair, releasing Rodney's hands.

"Is that what this is about? Hell, McKay, for not wanting to talk about someone, you've done nothing but talk about Jillian every time I've seen you lately."

Rodney opened his mouth to protest, but John stopped him with an upraised hand, "I don't know what you think you saw, Rodney, but she needed a shoulder to cry on and mine was available."

"But why you?" Rodney snapped, "Aren't I supposed to be her best friend?"

John leaned back and studied Rodney like he'd just grown a third eye in the middle of his head, "A friend who has completely forgotten her and runs the other direction whenever he sees her coming down the hall."

Rodney started to say 'of course he didn't,' but he couldn't in all honesty, because he did. The whole thought of forgetting an entire person in his life just had him so freaked out.

"Alright then," Rodney said, "tell me about Jillian. Why is she here at Atlantis?" A thought seized him, "She does have a PHD, doesn't she? Oh, God, what's her IQ?"

John grinned wolfishly and Rodney was suddenly afraid, "Why don't you ask her, McKay."

With a chill, Rodney realized John had finally figured out his Achilles' Heel. He never had been able to resist a mystery. It was part of the reason he followed those damn energy readings on every single planet they visited. Over and beyond the fact that it might signify the presence of a ZPM, he just had to know what was causing the signal. It had gotten them into a fair amount of trouble more than once and he knew it would again.

And Jillian was a mystery he wasn't going to be able to resist following. The fact that he was supposed to know and care about her was enough to pique his curiosity. The fact that she seemed to like him, too, just made it that much more irresistible.

"Maybe I will," he crossed his arms defensively, hoping Sheppard wouldn't call his bluff.

John stood, smiling at Rodney, knowing that he'd won. "You just do that. I'm sure she'll be glad to tell you anything you want to know." He started to the door and the damn thing slid open before he was even close enough to trigger the sensor. Atlantis really did like John best.

John paused and turned to look back over his shoulder to see Rodney still standing there, arms crossed mulishly. "I'm going to go get lunch. You coming?" He didn't wait for an answer. He just left, the door swishing to a close behind him.

His calculations were still waiting. The cursor blinked on the computer screen with a kind of manic energy that he could identify with. It seemed to be telling him that he really needed to finish the calculations, Atlantis was depending on him. Life and death was hanging in the balance.

With a sudden decisive mood, he saved his work and powered down the computer. Then he hurried after Sheppard. It was only because his blood sugar was low, he told himself. It had nothing to do with the fact that he thought he might be able to pry more information from his friend.

--SGA--

It was the height of the lunch hour in the Atlantis mess hall. The room was crowded with people eating and talking and just generally taking a couple of minutes to sit and relax. Normally the busiest meal of the day, the place was even busier than usual because the Daedalus had just arrived with fresh supplies from earth. There was no telling what Earth-based delicacies they would be seeing. Rodney had seen an email in his box that suggested there might be pudding cups for desert. He had figured at the time that it was just another ploy to try and pry him out of the lab.

When John and Rodney arrived, the line was spilling out of the mess hall into the corridor. Still the people waited patiently, talking and joking, for whatever their surprise meal of the day was.

While the menu was always posted a week or so in advance on the community billboard, it was always covered over with duty rosters and notes about movie night and whatever the latest betting pool might be. Still, they tended to fall into a routine between supply runs: Monday was mystery meat, Tuesday was the mystery casserole, Wednesday was Sloppy Joe surprise – the surprise being there was no actual meat in the burgers, all the way to Sunday's feast of leftovers.

But when the Daedalus arrived, meals were a complete and total surprise. The cook threw out the menu and surprised everyone for a couple of days with stuff that tasted like it might actually be fresh and of earthly origin. And today looked like it might be one of those days with the people in line crowding and jostling, trying to get a look at what everyone else was eating. If the smell wafting down the line was anything to judge by, it was pretty damn good.

Rodney felt his mood lifting just from the smell alone. Radek passed him with a spoon and a pudding cup. His eyes were glazed and he looked like he might be having a religious experience. He paused when he saw Rodney.

"So glad you locked me out of lab. Was first in line for pudding cups," he waggled his spoon at Rodney and John, then he wandered away, taking small little bites of the pudding, savoring it as if it were the finest of culinary delights. Rodney thought he detected lumps in Radek's jacket that signified more purloined pudding cups. He took a step after Radek to track him down and retrieve them when John caught his arm and pulled him back in line.

"If there's none left when we get there, Sheppard, so help me...," Rodney muttered.

"It wouldn't hurt you to forego a pudding cup or two, McKay," John informed him, poking a finger into his ribs.

"I'm still recovering I need to regain my strength," he retorted, craning his neck as the food table came into view. And then he stopped as he saw who was working the food line. Standing behind the food tables, spooning out food onto plates and handing them to the people who passed, was Jillian. He almost turned and left, his appetite suddenly gone, but John had his arm and wasn't letting go. He shoved Rodney forward.

"Just say hello, McKay," he hissed into Rodney's ear. "That's all you have to do."

"I wasn't going anywhere," Rodney denied hotly, his ears burning.

She was busy serving, and didn't see him waiting in line so he took the opportunity and studied her while she was unaware of his presence. She looked tired and drawn, the shadows under her eyes were even more pronounced. Her dark hair was lackluster and pulled back into a sloppy pony tail.

She carried the baby in a sling which wrapped around her body leaving her arms free to serve. She would show off the baby to everyone who walked by. She smiled and he even heard her laughter ring out a time or two, but it never reached her eyes. Her eyes were just sad and longing.

He felt a little lump in his throat and he wasn't certain why. Because everyone knew that he would never care about a woman and her baby. He didn't even like babies. They were smelly and cried a lot. Except he remembered holding Maggie in his arms and she hadn't been smelly at all. She'd had a fresh clean scent like powder and springtime.

The line moved forward and John and Rodney with it. They finally reached the food table and someone handed Rodney a plate. He put out his hand to take it, not really thinking about it, he was still watching Jillian and Maggie. Maybe she could feel his gaze on her, because Jillian chose that moment to turn. She smiled at him, and Rodney felt something inside him squeeze. Then she frowned and gasped.

"Rodney, don't touch that plate," she snapped in an authoritative tone to rival his own. He pulled his hand back a fraction and hesitated. The food smelled good and he was hungry. What was the problem?

She must have seen him about to voice the question because she said simply, "Lemon Chicken."

Rodney snatched his hand back as if burned. Around them the room fell silent as everyone turned to watch.

"What?" He couldn't even believe they would serve such a thing in the Atlantis kitchen. Didn't they know they were going to have to wash and sterilize everything now? He couldn't eat anything that had touched citrus. Before he could work himself into the tirade the situation deserved, Jillian descended on the poor hapless marine who had handed Rodney the plate.

"What part of 'do not under any circumstance serve that to Dr. McKay' don't you understand? Are you stupid or are you trying to get your merit badge in anaphylactic shock this month?" The marine, someone trained in hand to hand combat, a manwho probably knew 101 ways to kill without trying, backed away from the small woman who was only armed with a lethal glare and a small baby.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've only been here a couple of days, I didn't know who Dr. McKay was," he stuttered.

"That's why there are pictures in the kitchen of everyone with special dietary requirements and notes about what they are. Now go do the dishes before I make you change Maggie's diaper."

The man's face drained of all color, he didn't argue, he just turned sharply and made a strategic withdrawal to the kitchen. Dishes seemed the safest option for everyone involved. Jillian huffed out a breath before she turned to Rodney.

"Oh, god, Rodney, I'm so sorry," she said.

He waived a hand, a little afraid of her himself. "It's alright, no harm done."

They stood staring at each other. Jillian just seemed to be drinking him in as if she were thirsty and he was the best water she'd ever tasted. For his part, Rodney was truly impressed at the way she'd just cowed the marine and his opinion of her was definitely changing. Sheppard cleared his throat to remind them that there was other people waiting in the line to eat.

"Fine, fine," Rodney said with rolled eyes and a wave of his hand, "is there anything here that I can eat that won't, oh, kill me?"

Jillian laughed and disappeared into the kitchen. She returned quickly with a covered plate in her hand which she handed to Rodney. He took it with a decidedly doubtful look.

"I fixed it myself, Rodney, guaranteed citrus free," she assured him.

When he started to protest, she rolled her eyes and plastered on a patently patronizing smile, "I sterilized the equipment AND only used equipment that was not touched by the demon citrus."

Rodney heard a cough from Sheppard that sounded distinctly like a laugh and he turned a glare in his direction, "Oh, yes, make fun of the man with the allergies that could kill him. I'd like to see you trying to save Atlantis when I've died from Lemon Chicken."

Jillian didn't even try to hide the giggle that broke out. Some of the personnel in the line around them also tittered and her grin disappeared and she fixed them with her own glare of death. It was very good, the titters died out instantly.

"Come on, chicken man, let's find a table so some of the people behind us might have a chance at the chicken of death." Sheppard spared a last grin for Jillian before he steered Rodney away to an empty table in a quiet corner of the room. Rodney sat his plate down a little afraid of what Jillian might have found for him in the Daedalus's supplies.

He closed his eyes as he lifted the cover . When then the savory scent made it to his nose, his eyes snapped open and he gaped down in astonishment at what he saw there.

"I think I'm in love," he pronounced taking in the lovely little steak, cooked just the way he liked, extra well done. Next to it, all tucked up in foil with rivers of sweet golden butter pooling in it was a baked potato. As if that bounty weren't enough, there were also carrots, orange like they were supposed to be, not brown and knobby like the ones they'd traded for that always tasted more nutty than carroty.

"Where did she get this?" he asked out loud in awed wonder. Not that he expected an answer, it was a rhetorical questions. He really didn't want an answer because if Jillian had killed someone or blackmailed someone to get him this largess, he didn't care. He had steak, that was all that counted.

Of course Sheppard had an answer. He always had an answer, "She's Elizabeth's assistant," he said as he speared a carrot from Rodney's plate. "She probably just ordered it."

"Elizabeth has an assistant? Since when does Elizabeth have an assistant?" Then his brain caught up and he realized he didn't care because he had steak. He was beginning to see the up side to being Jillian's friend. And this was when he didn't even remember her.

John speared another carrot and Rodney frowned at him.

"Keep your lemon tainted fork away from my food," he growled. curving an arm over his plate to protect it from John's plundering.

John just grinned, feinted in one direction with his fork. When Rodney shifted that way to protect his bounty, John moved in on his unprotected flank to snag another carrot. Rodney scowled, moving down a seat, taking his plate out of the other man's reach.

Ronon and Teyla arrived and Ronon inspected Rodney's plate with interest, inhaling deeply.

"That looks good," he said. "Wanna trade?" He waved his plate in Rodney's face with its lemon chicken and the carrots that resembled sticks.

Rodney moved yet another seat down. He hunched over his plate, cutting the steak awkwardly as he tried to keep a watchful eye on his teammates.

To say the food was heavenly would have been a disservice because Rodney was sure that as good and pure as you were supposed to be in the afterlife, they didn't have food like this there. The steak was perfect and he chewed slowly, savoring every bite. The potato was light and fluffy and the butter ran down his chin, staining his shirt. The carrots were steamed just the way he liked them, too, so that they were still firm and crunchy. They were so sweet, too, better than any candy. Rodney honestly couldn't remember enjoying a meal more. It was made all the more sweet by the envious comments coming from Sheppard and Ronon. He just waved his fork at them and kept on eating.

It occurred to him that he really ought to thank Jillian. He cast a glance back at the food table but she was gone. Someone else had taken her place serving the last few stragglers to lunch. He felt an odd pain of regret.

Then her voice behind him, made him start, "Hey, you forgot your desert." She dropped into the empty chair between Rodney and Ronon. She was carrying the baby in her arms and from the sling she pulled out pudding cups – two for each of them. She distributed her booty, grinning at their delighted shouts.

It was the simple pudding cups that finally convinced Rodney that it was all true, that Jillian really was who she said she was, she'd been on Atlantis for awhile and she knew them all very, very well. She placed the chocolate cups in front of Rodney's plate, the butterscotch cups were for Sheppard, vanilla for Teyla and a combination chocolate/vanilla for Ronon.

Rodney just watched, clutching his treasure close as the others dug in – Teyla was delicate, skimming the pudding off the top and taking small bits. Ronon gave up all pretense of civilization and used his fingers to dip out the sweet confection, licking them appreciatively and swirling his fingers in the bottom of the cup to get all the sweet gooey desert stuck in the corners. John just took a couple of bites before putting the foil back in place to save the rest for later.

She knew his team as well as Rodney did.

"How did you come by these?" Teyla asked between bites. "We were told there were no more."

Jillian grinned, "Oh, there's always a stash if you know where to look." She glanced both ways and beckoned them in conspiratorially. "And I threatened the cook with Rodney over the whole lemon chicken debacle." She giggled, "I told him it was going to end badly and he just didn't believe me, he insisted that everyone would remember Rodney was allergic to citrus and no one would serve it to him."

Their shoulders brushed and Jillian leaned in towards Rodney putting her head on his shoulder with an unconscious sigh. He had his arm on the back of her chair and it was the most natural thing in the world to let it curve around and caress her shoulder.

At his touch, she jerked away, her eyes wide with an almost feral quality, "I'm sorry... Rodney."

He tried to stop her, tell her it was okay, but she was gone before he could even get his mouth open.

"Way to go, McKay," Ronon said around the fingers in his mouth.

"Oh, just shut up and eat your pudding," Rodney snapped back. But his heart wasn't in it. He stared at the door where Jillian had disappeared, a plan forming in his mind.

---

It was a good plan, too, if it hadn't been derailed before he could even put it into motion. His intention had been to just stop by the lab, let Radek know he was in charge for the rest of the day, then he was going to go pursue the mystery that was Jillian. He knew he was snarky and cranky and bad with people, but Jillian seemed to like him anyway and who was he to fight it?

Except when he got back to the lab, someone called saying they'd triggered something in one of the new sections of Atlantis they were exploring. Of course it was something that required Rodney's immediate attention.

When they arrived he discovered an orb-like object that was growing in size and temperature. It was super heating everything around it. Doing the calculations quickly, Rodney found that within hours it would expand beyond the size of the room it was currently housed in and it would become hot enough to bake a good portion of the city, probably reaching flash point and bursting into flames long before the baking happened. Since the part of the city they were working in didn't have a fire control system in place yet it would be bad – very, very bad.

Rodney and his team worked doggedly, trying to figure out how to turn the thing off or move it out of the room. Someone suggested they just chuck it into the sea, but by then it was too hot for anyone to get near it. They couldn't even approach it dressed in protective fire-retardant clothing. Anything they tried to move it with melted or burst into flame.

Carson hovered at the closest safe distance. He and his team treated the burns as they happened, pushing water on everyone he encountered. It didn't look good at all.

The situation was out of control and Rodney's panicky thoughts turned to Maggie. He had a vision of her going up in a small puff of smoke. He called Sheppard and Elizabeth. He advised them to begin evacuating the city to the alpha site, just in case. He really didn't want to say the words, 'we're all going to die' but it was hard not to watching the orb-thing glow malevolently thwarting their every effort to get near it by just upping its temperature a few more degrees. To say it was hot was an understatement.

Rodney hated being hot. It made him sweaty and his clothes stuck to him in uncomfortable places. Still, he just wiped the sweat from his forehead and continued working because there was no way he was going to die before he found out more about Jillian and got to hold Maggie one more time.

In the end it was Radek who had the idea that saved them all. They used the Asgard beaming device on the Daedalus that was still in orbit above the city to beam the thing into space. Where it exploded – forcefully. The energy measured would have destroyed Atlantis several times over.

After it was all over, Rodney and his team just sat and stared at one another stunned. They were all sweat-soaked and wrung out from too much adrenaline and too many hours spent baking in the heat put off by the device.

"We could have used that in Antartica," Rodney said finally.

"Yes, if you wanted to melt polar ice caps and flood the Earth," was Radek's biting rejoinder.

Wearily they all levered themselves up and made their way back to the inhabited part of the city.

"We need to put up a sign," Rodney said as they trudged along. "A do-not-touch-anything-without-talking-to-Dr.-McKay-first sign."

Radek didn't bother to answer, he just nodded in weary agreement.

When he got back to his quarters, Rodney set his environmental controls to an arctic temperature and showered. Setting the water to tepid, he let it cascade down his over-heated body. When he finally felt a little more human, he turned the shower off and climbed out. Remembering Carson's final admonishments to drink lots of water, he gulped some down before pulling on a t-shirt and boxers and falling into his bed and giving up to sleep.

--SGA--

When he woke up, Rodney wondered if he shouldn't have just gone straight to the infirmary because everything hurt. Of course spending hours in unrelenting heat would do that to a body. Especially when that body has just been released from the infirmary only days before from its previous life-threatening injuries.

He decided he didn't really want to get up and go to the infirmary for Tylenol, he just wanted to lie in his cool bed and not move again, ever.

Except once he was awake, his brain engaged. He had planned on going to see Jillian, see if he could help her out. She had looked so tired and worn at lunch. It had to be hard to be a single mother, especially in a place like Atlantis. The constant threat of the Wraith meant they were all pretty much in fear for their lives 24/7. To have a child under those circumstances meant she was pretty stupid or pretty courageous. From what he'd seen in the mess, Rodney would bet on the latter.

He shifted and groaned as sore muscles protested the movement, he just wanted to go back to sleep. Except once his brain was engaged there was no going back to sleep. He cast a sleepy eye at his clock – it blinked a red 2:30 at him. It was too late to go see Jillian, so he had to find something else to do to keep himself busy until the rest of the city woke up.

He forced his aching body out of the bed. After he pulled some sweats on, he shuffled over to the counter and emptied a packet of his precious hoarded coffee into the coffee maker and turned it on. Then he sat at his computer, powering it up and logging on automatically. A sudden idea seized him, and he pulled up the personnel files.

There weren't any real safe guards on them, because really who was going to try and hack into personnel files? Most of the stuff that was there was mundane every day information – education, job history, things like that. The really good information was classified and wasn't put into public files anyway.

It didn't even slow him down when he realized he had no idea of Jillian's last name. He just searched by her first name. It was unique enough that there was only one in the entire database. When her file appeared and he saw her last name for the first time, he gave a surprised 'huh', somehow not really surprised at all to see that her name was Mrs. Jillian McKay, married to Dr. Rodney McKay for nearly a year.

He read the file through twice before he pulled on his earpiece and asked for Carson.

"Rodney?" the doctor's accent was thicker when he was half asleep. "Is there an emergency?"

"Yes, get your ass out of bed because I'm coming there now."

Rodney couldn't believe how angry he was and he didn't wait to hear the doctor's reply before he stormed out his door. He didn't even bother to pull his shoes on, he stalked the corridors in his stocking feet.

Beckett's room was near the infirmary on the other side of the city from Rodney. He had time to put clothes on before Rodney got there. He was waiting at the door, arms crossed and a cup of coffee in hand when Rodney arrived, still angry.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded. Rodney entered the doctor's quarters and immediately rounded on Carson, his eyes blazing.

He didn't even have to tell Carson what he was talking about. The doctor was certain what the conversation was about.

"Rodney, we didn't know why you could nae remember Jillian. Dr. Heightmeyer and I thought it was... best to let you remember her yourself," he used the soothing tones that doctors had been using in memoriam to calm overwrought patients. It wasn't working with Rodney, he was way past overwrought.

"So, you just left it there for me to find in the personnel records when I went merrily looking for them?" his voice rose in pitch. He pinched his nose as a headache began to build behind his eyes. He was married and no one had told him.

"We decided that if you were curious enough to ask the questions, then you deserved the answers. But to just blurt it out could have been harmful to your psyche, Rodney."

Rodney paced from one end of the room to the other, unable to remain still. "And what about Jillian? Did you think about what this is doing to her?" Rodney kept remembering her face when she first realized he didn't know who she was. She'd looked so wounded and he'd done that.

"Aye, lad we did. But she agreed that she wanted you to remember her and Maggie on your own. She did nae want you to feel like you owed her something."

Rodney pounced on the doctor, an accusing finger in his chest, "But I do, Carson! I'm Maggie's father. God..."

It was all too much and without another word, Rodney walked out. He heard Carson calling him back, but he didn't stop.

--SGA--

This time he knew where he was going when he approached the door in the new wing of living quarters. He hesitated at the door. She was probably asleep, it was stupid to come there in the wee hours of the morning and wake her up. But before he could leave, the door slid open and Jillian was standing there.

"Carson called," she said by way of explanation. Her arms were crossed across her chest and she just stood in the door. He'd never seen body language that said more clearly, 'go away.'

But he wasn't going away. He'd come to see if he could help and he was going to help. "Damn him, I didn't want him to wake you up."

Her lips curved up, but there was no warmth in it and it never reached her eyes. She looked so weary. "I wasn't asleep. Maggie is like her father it seems and doesn't want to sleep at night when normal people do."

Rodney could hear the baby crying and he started forward and then stopped before crossing the threshold. "Can I come in and see her?" he asked a little awkwardly.

With a defeated sigh, Jillian stepped aside and waved a hand for permission.

Rodney charged across the room and picked up the infant. She didn't stop crying immediately, but her cries changed in intensity from ear-splitting proportions to merely room-filling. Rodney bounced her a little in his arms and she blinked up at him startled. It really only took a minute and she was sleeping in his arms, one hand curled into his shirt, holding on tightly. Rodney looked at Jillian with a twisted grin feeling highly accomplished.

"I think she likes me."

Jillian looked like she was on the verge of tears herself, she shrugged, "What's not to like?"

They stood shifting, neither one knowing what to say, until at last Rodney said, "You know you could get some sleep if you want. I'm up now, I can take care of her for awhile."

Jillian's eyes lit with need, "Are you sure? I mean... you usually work when you're up late."

"Hey, I learned long ago to type one-handed when the need arose," he said. "I think we can manage, and if I need anything you're just in..." he pointed uncertainly at a door, "there. Right?"

Any hope she had that he was remembering flickered and died when he didn't know which room was which and she sighed, "Actually that's the bathroom. But... okay. If you don't mind, I would like to shower first. It's been days since I've had time for anything more than a quick bath in the sink." She ran her fingers through her dull hair.

"Sure." He tried to smile at her reassuringly. Somehow he'd thought she'd be more… grateful that he'd finally come to his senses, but he supposed he could be the big person and give her some space. He waved a hand vaguely in the air, "Whatever you need."

He stood with the sleeping baby in his arms as Jillian grabbed the things she needed before slipping into the bathroom, the door closing firmly behind her.

Alone at last with the baby, Rodney stood a little uncertain what he was supposed to do. She was a little.. boring when she was asleep. He wanted her to wake up so he could see her intelligent blue eyes again, but he supposed that was selfish. Since she was asleep, she could probably go back in her bed and he could do some work. When he tried to lay her down in the little crib, however, she stirred and began to fuss,kicking herfeetand making little whining noises. With a panicked glance at the closed bathroom door, Rodney snatched her back up and walked with her around the room, bouncing her a little until she was quiet once again.

"My mother's name is Maggie, did you know that?" he said to the again sleeping baby, pacing from one end of the room to the other.

"Of course you don't know that," he responded to his own question. "You're a baby, you don't care about things like that, yet. All you care about it is eating and sleeping and pooping."

He stopped mid-pace. How was he supposed to know if her diaper needed changing? Then, he was a genius, he'd probably know when her diaper needed changing.

He paused to take a good look around the apartment. It was a nice homey little space with high windows that must let in a lot of sun during the day. There was an ancient design sofa that separated the room into two distinct spaces, it had an Athosian woven rug on the floor under it and a table in front of it with magazines and science journals scattered over its surface.

A table placed at the other end of the room served as both a dining table and desk with the lap top sitting on it. The paraphernalia associated with a new baby was scattered haphazardly everywhere. It had comfortable lived-in air.

A picture sitting by itself on the counter caught his eye, and he moved over to pick it up. It was more proof than he needed that all this was real. It was a picture of himself and a very pregnant Jillian. They were probably on the mainland because they were sitting in the grass. He was leaning against a tree and Jillian was using him as her pillow. His arms were around her possessively resting on her gently rounded tummy. She was smiling back at him and he was… just suffused with love. He nearly glowed with the love he obviously felt for the woman in his arms and their baby.

He put the picture back carefully.

Maggie stirred, whimpering quietly in her sleep. He smoothed a hand over the soft skin of her head. Her hair was thin and whispy, like down, it had a faint brown tinge to it. Her fingers were just perfect and her toes, well… Rodney looked around realizing that he was standing in his stocking feet admiring a little bag of poop like she was a ZPM. Fortunately there were no witnesses.

He juggled the baby until she was sleeping slumped over his shoulder in that boneless way that babies have of being able to sleep in any position. He sat at the computer and signed in with his own log in codes and began to answer emails. If he was up, he might as well get something useful done. He heard the shower come on in the bathroom.

After he finished answering all the emails he intended to answer, filed the ones he wasn't going to answer and rearranged the entire order of his inbox filing cabinet, he went back to the calculations he'd been working on when John dragged him away to the mess hall that afternoon. The only sound in the room was the clicking of the computer keys, the baby's slight snore and the running water of the shower. The breathing of the baby on his shoulder was therapeutic and he found himself feeling better than he had for days, the calculations were clearer than they had been and he finished them before he realized it.

He leaned back, rolling his shoulders to ease the ache from spending too long hunched over a computer when he saw the time in the lower corner of the lap top. He frowned at it. If it was right, Jillian had been in the shower for a long, long time. He knew women liked taking long showers, but a two-hour shower was a little... ridiculous. He swiveled in the chair so he could look at the bathroom door uncertainly. He knew he was married to her, but she might object to him just barging in on her shower after denying her existence for a couple of weeks.

He went to the crib and this time got Maggie in without any fuss. She settled with a soft sigh. He tucked her little blanket in around her, lingering a moment to admire her. Running a final caress down her soft cheek, he went to the door and listened to the sound of the shower, trying to decide what to do. Should he go in and check on her? He didn't want to start out his newly rediscovered married life on the wrong footing, but the twisting of his gut told him something was wrong.

He knocked, "Jillian?"

She didn't answer, all he could hear was the sound of the shower running.

He thought 'open' at the door and it slid aside smoothly. Still he stood, routed to the spot, shifting uncertainly from one foot to the other.

"Jillian?" he called again before poking his head into the room cautiously. There was still no sound but the patter of the water hitting the tile.

He closed his eyes and walked into the room. "Jillian, I'm really sorry to bother you but I was getting worried and I thought maybe I should come in and see…" a small sob broke through his babble and he chanced a peek between two fingers. At first he thought the shower was empty and he dropped his hand to take a closer look.

He was appalled when he finally saw that Jillian was sitting in the corner, her knees drawn up and she was rocking slowly, crying.

"Oh, god…" Rodney tapped his com, "Carson, get your ass out of bed," he nearly screamed. "I've got a medical emergency in Jillian's quarters."

He reached into the shower and turned the water off. It was freezing cold. What the…

He grabbed a towel and stepped into the shower with her, wrapping the towel around her body. Now that he had his arms around her, he could feel the minute shivers that coursed through her body. Her skin was cold and clammy and her lips were blue.

He reached over and grabbed up another towel to rub briskly around her shoulders, trying to rub some warmth back into her.

"Rodney?" He nearly wept when she breathed his name.

"I'm here," he answered, continuing to rub.

She leaned into him, burrowing closer to his warmth. "I thought you were dead, I was so afraid."

"I'm fine, I'm here now."

"I'm so sorry, Rodney," she said it so softly he could barely hear her.

"What are you sorry for?" he snapped, harsh in his brusqueness.

"I can't do it." She was shivering in earnest now, her teeth chattering together. "I can't do it without you."

He pressed a kiss to her cold, wet forehead, "You don't have to, I'm here now."

She reached out a shaking hand and placed it on his chest, "But you forgot us."

He gave up with the towel and just pulled her in close to his warmth, wishing Carson would get there already. "I'm here now."

"Do you remember us now?" There was entreaty in her eyes.

He couldn't lie to her, she deserved better from him, "You're helping me remember. You'll tell me all about us and we'll remember together," he promised.

And then Carson was there, stepping into the shower with them, taking her pulse and peering into her eyes with the blasted pen light of his.

Rodney held her while Carson worked. He thought he should be embarrassed at being in the shower with a nearly naked woman in his arms, but oddly he wasn't. He was soaked from head to toe and beginning to feel the chill himself, but he held onto Jillian giving her whatever warmth he could.

Stepping out of the shower stall, Carson called the infirmary and gave terse rapid-fire instructions in a voice too low for Rodney to hear.

"Let's get her out of there, Rodney and into bed," he said when he finished.

"You're not taking her to the infirmary?" Rodney asked surprised.

Carson gave him an appraising look, "I'd rather not. I think it would be better for her to stay here in her own quarters. I can give her some medicine and tuck her up here, but someone's got to stay with her."

Rodney tightened his arms around her, "I can do that."

"I'm glad to hear that," John said, surprising them both. He stood leaning easily against the door jamb. Carson waived him over.

"Help us get her out of here and into the other room."

Rodney started to protest, but then realized he wasn't feeling any too steady himself. He made sure the towel was wrapped securely around Jillian before Carson and Sheppard lifted her from his arms. John picked her up easily and carried her into the other room.

Rodney tried to stand to follow, but slipped and fell on his ass. Carson shoved him back down when he tried to stand again and placed two fingers on his wrist to take his pulse.

"There's nothing wrong with me," he protested hotly. "You need to take care of Jillian."

"Aye, Rodney, and I will be, but you just left my infirmary a few days ago and I'm not anxious to have you backagain any time soon. I had several nurses who asked to be sent back to Earth as it is. Now, don't you worry, I've got someone coming to help us get Jillian settled into bed."

Rodney subsided and let Carson work. "What's wrong with her?" he asked.

An unhappy crease appeared in Carson's forehead and there was a lengthy pause before he answered, "I suspect she's suffering from a wee case of post natal blues."

"In English, Carson, for those of who don't have the advantage of Voodoo 101," Rodney snapped. He knew what had happened wasn't Carson's fault, but he couldn't take his frustration out on Jillian and Sheppard had already escaped.

"The last couple of weeks have been hard on her, Rodney. I think she's just a wee bit depressed."

Carson extended a hand, helping Rodney to his feet, "Oh, like I couldn't tell that. Wait.. you don't mean like hurting herself depressed?"

"No," Carson handed Rodney a towel of his own, "I don't think it's come to that. She's just a bloody strong-minded fool, like someone else I could name and she did nae tell anyone just how tired or worn out she was or ask anyone for help. Now get dried off, I'm going to go check on your wife."

Rodney shivered and he didn't think it was the temperature in the bathroom. He sat on the toilet and peeled off his soaked socks in disgust. The towel wasn't making much headway either when all of his clothes were dripping wet. He dropped his head wearily onto the sink, not certain he was ever going to be able to move again. The events of the day descended on him and he felt like he was a million years old. He needed to get up and check on Jillian and Maggie, and he didn't think he had the strength.

"Hey," John said, startling him.

Rodney jerked, hitting his head on the sink.

"Ow! You're going to be sorry if I have brain damage and can't save the city the next time someone turns on the toaster from hell."

"Oh, please, Rodney, you hurt the sink worse than you hurt your head," John said unrepentant. He threw a bundle of clothes to Rodney.

Rodney gaped at them in surprise.

"You did live here for a while," John said by way of explanation. We got most of your stuff back into your old room, but there are still a few things here."

Rodney sat, stupidly staring at the clothes. "What have I done?" he whispered brokenly.

"It's going to be alright, McKay," John told him.

"How can it be okay?" Rodney asked miserably, "I still don't remember her."

"But now you want to. She loves you, McKay, God knows why, and all you really have to do is be here."

Rodney nodded, "We are talking about me, remember?" He tried for a smile and it wasn't too hard.

Sheppard shrugged, "I know. There's no accounting for some women's tastes. Now get dressed and get out here."

And John was gone again, leaving Rodney alone. He took off his wet clothes and left them in a heap in the corner of the bathroom. He toweled himself dry, hurriedly stepping into the dry clothes John had brought him.

He was doing his best not to over think the situation, but it was hard. He had to think every thing to death, it's what he did. And yet, all he really wanted was to go out and make sure Jillian was okay and start getting to know her all over again. Already he was beginning to feel the stir of something for her. And he was definitely in love with Maggie, so it shouldn't be too hard. Right?

Right.

But he was determined, and when Rodney McKay was determined, there was nothing that was going to get in his way. Certainly not the lack of memory.

--SGA--

He emerged from the bathroom to find no one there, Maggie wasn't even in her crib. He almost panicked before he realized that everyone was probably in the bedroom. He strode into the room, expecting chaos and was surprised to find it was quiet and peaceful.

Jillian was sitting up in the bed with a mug of something steaming in her hand. A portable IV had been set up next to her and there was a bag hanging there with a line running down to her arm. Beckett was sitting next to her murmuring softly. John sat in a chair on the other side of the bed with the baby in his arms. He was making the most ridiculous faces at her and Maggie was waving her fists at him, making baby noises.

Rodney stood at the door, a little uncertain what he was supposed to do.

Jillian looked up as he entered and she smiled at him. Something inside him broke open and he understood the joy he'd seen in his own face in the picture. Because Jillian loved him and even if he couldn't remember loving her before, he was certain he could feel it again now.

"What are all you people still doing here?" he demanded. "You," he strode over to John and held out his arms for Maggie, "go to bed. We don't need a sleep-deprived Chief Military Officer during the next Wraith attack."

John didn't comment, but Rodney saw his lips twist into a satisfied smirk as he gave up the baby. He departed with a sarcastic salute and a supportive hand on Rodney's shoulder.

Beckett wasn't so easily cowed.

"Now, Rodney, I need you to leave your door unlocked. I think everything's alright now, but I'm going to be sending a nurse down from time to time to check on Jillian tonight."

"Fine, fine, whatever," he looked down into his daughter's eyes and he could swear that she knew he was. "Is there anything I need to do?"

"Just be here, Rodney," Carson said as he too departed, leaving Rodney alone with the two of them.

It was weird, but it wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as he thought it was going to be.

"Rodney," Jillian began.

"No," he stopped her, "don't say 'you're sorry' or it's 'your fault' or anything like that, because I won't let you."

She giggled and Rodney thought he could used to its sound. "I wasn't. I was going to saythere's a bottle in the little fridge and maybe you should get it. It's time for Maggie to eat. And trust me, it's another trait she gets from her father. You've got to feed her on time or you know about it."

"Oh." And then they both started laughing.

Maneuvering carefully because of the IV, Rodney handed her the baby and turned to go in search of the bottle.

"Rodney," she called after him. He turned and was caught, really seeing his wife and daughter for the first time. It took his breath away. He still didn't remember anything about them before waking up in the infirmary, but now he wanted to. She must have seen something of his thoughts in his face because she smiled at him and the tears brimmed in her eyes.

Then Maggie squealed and waved a fist, reminding them of who was really the important one in the room.

"I'm just ah… getting the bottle," Rodney said.

"You'll need to warm it a little, there's a microwave next to the fridge."

Maggie'sfussy noises grew in volume, so Rodney hurried into the other room and found the fridge and microwave.

He was a little perplexed as to how much to heat the bottle. He finally settled on 5 second increments, testing the temperature on his wrist as he remembered seeing in some sitcom or the other, until he thought it was just the right balance between cool and tepid. Just in case he handed it to Jillian for her approval as he took possession of Maggie once again.

He didn't even think about it when he settled in the bed next to Jillian to feed Maggie. It took him a couple of tries to figure out the logistics of baby and bottle and to get the pillows piled up just right to support his back, but soon enough Maggie was happily devouring its contents, her tiny fingers curled around one of his.

Jillian sat and watched them, a bemused smile on her face.

"I knew you'd be a good dad," she said softly, almost to herself. "You were so worried."

"That was silly of me," he scooted a little closer to her. She was still shivering a little, she might need the extra body heat. "Of course I'm a good dad, once I get with the program."

With a little sigh, she closed the distance between them, pressing into his side, letting her head fall onto his shoulder.

"You know what you said about none of this being my fault? Well, it's not your fault either," she said. "And don't argue with me, Carson said you aren't supposed to upset me."

Rodney didn't recall hearing Carson say that, but he decided to let it slide. She looked up at him and he could see the mischief glinting in her eyes. Before he could stop her, she kissed him, just a fleeting press of lips to lips, butterfly soft, and then she was drawing back.

"You are going to remember me in the morning, aren't you?"

"Oh, I think you can count on it," he assured her.

She scooted down in the bed then. She made herself comfortable by tucking herself in under his arm and closed her eyes. Soon her breathing evened out and she was asleep.

Rodney was afraid to move, he didn't want to disturb either of his sleeping girls. So he settled back into the pillows as comfortably as he could and listened to them both breath until he drifted into sleep of his own.

---

It was the sound of Maggie's frightened cries that woke Rodney the next morning. A confused sense of dislocation swamped him as he struggled to wake up. He needed to get up and find out what was wrong with his baby. Maggie's cries grew more aggravated and he tried to open his eyes and he found he couldn't.

In the space from one breath to the next, Maggie's cries turned into the steady rhythm of the heart monitor and Rodney jerked, trying to wake up, to find out what was happening. He felt like he was wrapped in cotton and there was the distant tug of pain kept at bay with good drugs.

With a supreme effort he forced his eyes open. A hazy figure swam into view and slowly he was able to focus on Jillian leaning over him, a hand on his cheek, smiling down at him.

"Hey, Dr. McKay, you really scared us. Are you back with me?"

Blinking up at her uncertainly, he licked lips that were dry and cracked. Instinctively she knew his need and she reached for a cup sitting on the table next to his bed slipping an ice chip into his mouth.

His closed his eyes as the piece of heaven melted, providing him with much needed moisture.

She put a reassuring hand on his shoulder as he took in the infirmary with a perplexed frown. "I'll just go get Dr. Beckett," she said and started to move away.

It hurt, a lot, but he grabbed her sleeve, "No, please..." he waited for the pain to make its way through him and level out, "Please."

"You're not supposed to move," she scolded him gently, placing his arm back on the blanket. But she moved back to stand next to him.

"Wha... Happened?" He stared up at her, confused. It was Jillian, but she didn't seem to know him like before. And how had he come to be back in the infirmary? Nothing was right.

She seemed to sense his unease and she put a hand on his, wrapping her fingers around it to find his wrist and take his pulse. It was more for his reassurance than because she needed to, he could hear the heart monitor picking up its pace telling her that he was agitated.

"I don't know all the details, but your Colonel Sheppard told the doctor you were trying to take a look at something some natives viewed as a holy relic and they took offense."

Rodney remembered that, but that mission had been two weeks before.

"Relapse?" he asked.

If he could only think he would be able to figure it out, but Carson's drugs were making him feel hazy and slow.

Her forehead wrinkled in confusion. "I'm sorry, Dr. McKay, I really think I need to get Dr. Beckett."

"No, wait," he licked his lips again. She slipped another piece of ice in. He sighed at the relief it provided. "Sheppard?" he asked.

She nodded to the bed opposite them, "He's been sitting up with you, even though he's got injuries of his own. Dr. Beckett finally got a sedative into him so he'd get some rest." From her wicked grin, Rodney could just imagine how Beckett had administered the sedative. "He's going to be really upset when he finds out you woke up while he was asleep."

"We don't have to tell him," Rodney whispered.

Rubbing a thumb across his hand soothingly, she giggled, "Deal."

Rodney frowned, trying to get his brain working. Things were wrong, all wrong. Dimly he thought he could hear Maggie crying again.

"Maggie? Is Maggie here?"

Her eyes narrowed as she assessed his condition, "Maggie?" She shook her head doubtfully, "I don't know who that is, I'm sorry Dr. McKay, I've only just arrived on the Daedalus and I haven't gotten to know many people yet. I can get her for you if you want?" She watched him expectantly.

Maggie's cries were getting more and more distant, Rodney could feel her slipping away.

"Do we... know each other?" he asked at last, knowing the answer, but he had to hear her say it.

She flushed a little, "We did meet right before your mission. You came into the mess hall for lunch."

Rodney remembered now. The mission had been postponed a few hours and the team had decided to get lunch before they left.

"The cook decided since you were going to be off-world that he could make lemon chicken. I almost had a heart attack when I saw you there with that plate in your hand," she confessed.

There had been a frantic tug of war as she tried to take it away and he had objected strenuously. It had ended with the plate on the ground and Rodney staring in abject horror when he realized what had almost happened.

"You ended up eating peanut butter and jelly, I'm sorry," she said.

"Better that than... chicken of death," he murmured. His eyes were starting to close of their own accord and he struggled against the sleep that pulled at him.

"I really should get Dr. Beckett," but she didn't move, she just stood there with her hand on his.

"You brought me a pudding cup," he had stuffed it in his pack to eat later. It should be there still.

"Damn right, I did. I took it from the cook's own stash. I told him I'd turn him over to you if he didn't give them up," she grinned malevolently and Rodney was glad she was on his side.

"Thanks."

"Hey, I hear you're the resident genius around here. The other nurses say you save our life every day of the week and twice on Sundays. It's best to keep you alive." She smoothed a hand across his forehead and it didn't feel entirely medical.

"I like.. the way.. you think." Maggie's cries had almost faded away, but now they were clearer again, closer. "Listen, do you play chess?"

Her mouth dropped open in astonishment, and then her eyes crinkled as she laughed, "And have you beat the pants off me? I don't think so. But maybe once you're able to stay awake longer than five minutes at a time, I'll bring my scrabble board and we can play."

"But I'm no good at scrabble," he protested weakly.

"Good," she smiled down at him, the mischief dancing in her green eyes. "Now, I really do have to get Dr. Beckett." She let go of his hand and immediately he missed its warmth.

He watched her go, tracking her with his eyes. He felt a sudden warmth flow through his body. It was almost like he could feel Maggie snuggled on his chest and he closed his eyes, knowing she'd be there again soon enough.

"Daddy's got you," he murmured as he let himself fall into the sleep that waited to enfold him.

---

If you're still with me, I do welcome feedback and comments.