Thank-you to all the lovely people who reviewed my last stoy! Luv you guys. Here by popular demand is a much longer side story.
Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding
"I guess to understand this story you should know a few things first, to start you'll have to know that I was raised in the forest by a man called Brian Ferry. The next thing you should know is that Brian wasn't always there to keep an eye on me. And most importantly you have to be aware that in this particular forest some of the creatures where much, much bigger than normal."
A small boy waved sadly from the window of a tree house made of bus tickets as Brian's tour bus made its way out of the forest. The child was no older than 10 and had brilliantly groomed brown hair and shocking blue eyes. He was wearing black jeans and a pink t-shirt with 'VINCE' scribbled across it in blue marker pen. As soon as the bus was out of view the boy turned from the window towards his temporary carers.
"Are. You. Ready. To. Go. Vince? " The leader of the sloth family, called Gatun, practically yawned out. Vince couldn't help but roll his eyes at the time it had taken for that one sentence; he nodded and grabbed a rucksack from the floor.
"Then. Let's. Begin. The. Journey."
Journey was one word to describe the 3 hour trek from Brian's house to the sloth's area; this may not seem that awful until you find that the distance was just under a mile. The phrase Vince used to describe the expedition was 'The second most boring experience of my LIFE'. When asked about the first most boring experience of his life Vince merely smiled. That, I'm afraid, is a story for another time.
"We. Have. Arrived."
The sloth's living area was in the dimmest and most humid part of the forest, the sunlight was almost entirely blocked out by the leafy canopy the air was thick and damp and a sleepy air hung about the entire place. Hundreds of sloth hung drowsily from the branches of the tall trees, the leader looked down at Vince with a dozy smile.
"Now. We. Sleep."
The pack Vince had been journeying with slowly made there way up the trees, the young mod picked his jaw of from the floor and cried out in irritation.
"But it's only noon!"
The party turned to stare at the tiny techno tot; Gatun slowly shook his head at the youth.
"You. Are. New. Young. One. We. Shall. Sleep. You. Must. Stay. Here. The. Forest. Is Dangerous. Never. Leave. This. Clearing" Gatun turned round declaring the conversation over.
Vince glared at Gatun before dropping down on the forest floor and leaned against a tree sulking as the pack continued to climb. It took only a few minutes for everyone but him to fall asleep. Groaning to himself, Vince stood up and decided to wander around and get to know the area. He hoped to find some other animals around- the sort who didn't sleep all day. He left the sloth's area with an air of defiance and started walking towards the centre of the forest.
Even if you've lived somewhere for a long time it's still very easy to get lost, especially if where you live is a large forest. So by the time night fell over the forest, Vine Noir was well and truly lost. With no idea where he was or how to get back the child felt tears coming to his eyes, he sat down, tucking his knees up to his chin and sobbing softly.
As stars started to appear in the sky and the moon replaced the sun, night settled over the large forest. In the eerie darkness several yellow eyes peaked out from the undergrowth and settled on a small youth huddled in a clearing next to a tree. Moving with inhuman speed a figure, around 5 foot tall and just as wide, scuttled around the clearing, eight long legs made their way towards the boy, who had yet to notice it approaching, the figure bent down so that all eight of it's eyes where level with the boys face. A harsh hiss escaped its fanged mouth.
Vince jumped back in shock, eyes wide and breathing heavily he stared in shock at the colossal creature in front of him. His mind raced, he wanted to scream but his throat closed up in fear and all that came out was a whimper. The spider in front of him grinned baring all of its razor sharp teeth.
"Well, well, well," The spider spoke in a feminine voice dripping with venom, "What do we have here?" She stood to her full height and started circling the boy.
"Perfect, small enough not to put up a fight but big enough to eat." Vince sobbed slightly at this statement and buried his face in his knees; he squeezed his eyes together and sat there shivering in fear wishing for the beast to go away. He felt its hot breath upon his head and its saliva dripping on to his shoes. He had no way of escaping and no one around to save him, he was going to die.
"And that is why I'm afraid of spiders"
Howard Moons gaped at the electro poof sat on the opposite side of the table, after an incident involving a spider in Vince's bedroom the two men had sat down at the kitchen and discussed fear over a cup of tea. After repetitively asking and annoying the smaller man Howard had finally got him to open up and tell him why he was so scared of spiders. The story had ended abruptly, just as it was getting good. Howard had an odd feeling of Deja-Vu.
"You can't just end like that," The jazz maverick exclaimed, "Not again!"
Vince leant back against his chair and grinned dizzily, in the end the sloth had found a way of contacting Brian who came to his aid by driving his tour bus at the spider, he didn't kill her, just scared her away. To this day Vince didn't know how the sloth even noticed he was missing never mind contacting Ferry. Truthfully the true ending seemed a little anti-climatic. Plus it was far more fun to wind Howard up. He smiled.
"The juicy dangler strikes again!"