~***~

Its weird, this feeling you get, in the pit of your stomach, when you see him. Its like everything else just sort of fades out, like a movie, only everything has gone into the background except for him. He's right there, in the center of the screen. And, its like you want to take your eyes away, but you can't..really, even if you were trying hard, and of course I wasn't. Gods, he was so beautiful. Beautiful, god, I hope he's not gay...sigh yeah yeah, I remember Kiel, too good to be true, yet he turned out gay. frown Why do all the good ones have to be gay? Is it like a fact of life, where only the good ones, can be for the guys? Do they like, reserve the best ones for themselves? laughs sadlyHmm...its weird, Evan turned out gay too...although I know Amano would never admit it, being Evan's best friend and all...but there are just those little signals. I think girls are overall just much more intelligent than guys. Hmm...changing subjects again..my mind must be running circles on me, yet again..This sucks, all the good ones are either gay or just a part of my imagination. But...I guess its better to dream of such a guy, I mean, at least in dreams, they won't reject you......

~***~

"Hey! Yukari!" Someone snapped fingers in front of her eyes. Yukari blinked.

"Hmm?" She looked at Amano, who was trying to get her attention. "What?" She asked, irritated to be interrupted from her daydreaming. Amano made a face.

"What are ya thinking?"

Yukari shrugged,

"Nothing much. When do we get out of this class?" She groaned, English was soo soo boring. Amano looked at his watch.

"Exactly....10 minutes."

"Great." Yukari muttered, feeling like sinking back into her dreams again. Dreams were good, in dreams, the problems always went away, and sometimes, just sometimes, he would be there too. But she never let herself hope for it too much, dreams were unpredictable, what if she never dreamt about him again? Then, she'd be devastated. Yukari knew she was being silly, silly and foolish, whoever heart of falling in love with a figment of her imagination? Yes, she thought, I should just forget about those silly dreams about him, I should think about..........Yet he always popped in uninvited anyway. Him or Hitomi. And she really didn't want to think about Hitomi.

~***~

Hitomi..sigh yet another topic. At least thinking about Him didn't hurt. It was so weird, yet...Hitomi seemed so distant lately...so changed. I try talking to her, I try telling her that whatever she's going through, she can tell me, but its like ringing water from a dry cloth! However dumb that simile may sound, that's the picture that flashes through my mind, every time I speak to her! She's changed, definitely. One day, she's this happy person, whos always smiling and laughing, flirting outrageously with Amano..She was always such a partyer...she'd be the life of the party! laughs/laugh fades Now, she's so distant and cold, so wrapped up within herself, so...sad. I told her that Amano might like her, and she just shrugged. Shrugged! My god, Hitomi's whole life used to be wrapped up in trying to get that guy's attention! And she just shrugged!!!! What possibly could have happened? The night before, she slept over, and we giggled all night. At first, I thought it was just a bad night effect, you know, maybe a hangover from that party (what a crazy ass party, it was wild man...oh, but off-topic again)....but nope, She just never snapped out of it! Amano keeps telling me that its just something like mood-swings, "those weird moods you girls go through.." I think was what he said...but anyway, I don't think so. Hitomi's never in a bad mood, not for almost a month! Yes, its been a month since She just woke up one morning and decided that she'd be a pain in the ass to everyone, as well as to herself!

~***~

The bell rang, shaking Yukari out of her daydreams. Finally, the end of the day. Yukari headed to her locker, not even noticing Amano beside. It was only when She turned to open her lock, did She realize Amano gazing at her. She looked at him.

"Hey...I didn't' realize you were here.."

Amano rolled his eyes, hiding his hurt. "Yeah, Yukari, you don't notice much these days."

"Geez.." Yukari also rolled her eyes. Why was Amano being like this all of a sudden. Amano sighed, and slipped an arm around her, hugging her. Yukari rested against him gently,

"We're all worried about Hitomi." He said softly, his breath in her ear. Yukari shut her eyes. She shrugged his arm away.

"..I gotta go. I'll see ya tomorrow." She hurried away, but not before feeling the pang of guilt that hit her at the sight of Amano's hurt expression. But really..what did he expect of her?

She raced home, past the track. She barely glanced at it. She'd learned to avoid that place...it held too many memories.

She changed quickly out of her school uniform when She got home. Sitting out on her porch with an apple, Yukari brushed her dark hair out of her face. Sadly, She looked over the city. She and Hitomi used to own this city...man oh man, all the wild crazy times. Getting up, Yukari traced her fingertips over the number pads. 389-2390. It was practically burned into her memory. SHE could've dialed that number in her sleep. Picking up the handset, She placed it to her ear, hearing the phone ring on the other side.

"Hello?" Hitomi's voice sounded odd on the other side.

"Hey!" Yukari tried to keep her voice neutral. Hitomi had always hated sap. Hitomi was silent, then answered.

"Hey..what's up?"

"Not much, how are you?"

"I'm good." Hitomi answered. Yukari traced her finger over the surface of the apple. It was hard.

"Oh yeah." Awkward silence.

"So...why did you call?" Hitomi asked. Yukari wanted to scream. What the hell? She always called Hitomi, like everyday! Well...She used to. Where did that question come from? A wave of self-doubt suddenly washed over Yukari. What if, there really wasn't' anything wrong with Hitomi..what if, She just didn't' want to be friends with her anymore. Maybe it was just a hint, and She just wasn't understanding...it hurt to think about it. Yukari cleared her throat.

"Umm...uh..well, you weren't at school today, or yesterday...or for the past week. I just..called to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine."

"Hitomi..your not."

"What?" Hitomi's voice registered surprise. At least it was better than the usual monotone.

"Hitomi, you're my best friend, I know you like the back of my hand. Your not okay."

"So...you know me better than I know myself?" Hitomi's voice was accusing. Yukari rolled her eyes.

"No...I just...what's wrong Hitomi, why won't you tell me?" Yukari's voice sounded close to breaking.

"I'm fine, Yukari, just..leave it alone!"

"Hitomi.."

She heard Hitomi sigh on the other side. "Yukari, I gotta go..I'll see ya later." The phone hung up. Yukari blinked. She stared at the phone, her last connection the her best friend.

~***~

Did you hear that? How cold She was! Its like She doesn't even care anymore. Did our friendship not even matter? god, I sound like I just broke up with a boyfriend....

but..its sort of the same, isn't it? Like, a best friend and a boyfriend....the same sort of. It hurts like hell when you break up with either of them.

Hmmmm....



~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~



It was Friday night. Yukari lay dismally on her bed, spending yet another Friday night at home. She tried not to think about what She would be doing if Hitomi would just snap out of her mood.

"And its not like no one offered to do something.." She muttered, to make herself feel better, yet not really succeeding. Maybe...if She fell asleep, She would dream about that beautiful guy again....

~***~

Beautiful and guy...do those two words even go together? Or should you just replace that beautiful with gay..hmm..weird thoughts eh..Well, if someday, I ever do find a wonderful, 'beautiful' guy, I'm not gonna give a care whether he's straight or not!laughs Well...I guess he would care..

~***~

Her phone rang, startling her. She picked up.

"hello?"

"Hey Yukari! Its Agnes!"

Agnes Odylle, was sort of an in-between friend. She wasn't really a close friend, actually, Yukari often didn't even consider her a friend, but She did hang out with her sometimes at school.

"Hey Agnes, hows it going?"

"Great! What are ya up to?"

Yukari frowned, it wasn't often that Agnes would phone up and wonder what Yukari was doing.

"Not much..you?"

"Yeah, I just called to see if you wanted to come with me to that new club downtown!" Agnes seemed to be talking to some other people. There was a loud background noise behind her.

"Uhh..oh that new one? Whatsitcalled...uhh..Raxx Hangar?"

"Yeah! Some local band, but hey, its supposed to be good!"

"I heard..umm, its 18 and over, Agnes." Yukari replied matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, I know." There was an edge of impatience in Agnes' voice. "That's why I got Kiel to get us in! He's like friends with the manager..you know, 'friends'" She giggled. Yukari blinked. Kiel McPherson, he was HOT. Yukari wouldn't have minded going anywhere with Kiel.

"Kiel's going too?"

Agnes laughed. "Slime chances, Yukari."

Yukari laughed, for what seemed like the first time in ages. "I know eh. Uh..who else is going?" Kiel, as all beautiful, drool-worthy guys, was gay.

"Oh, just me, Evan..you, if you want."

"Amano?"

"Nope."

"Oh...k.."

"In?"

"Umm..sure." Yukari was tired of laying around, feeling depressed. I guess this is what I need, She thought. She quickly got off the phone with Agnes. Getting up, She stared at herself in the mirror. What a horror. Dressed in modrobes and a tanktop, She really wouldn't have won for most stylish, even at a grunge parlor. She dug through her closet.

After carefully applying her make-up, Yukari heard a horn honking outside. Grumbling, Yukari ran down the stairs and opened the front door. Agnes stood on the hood of a blue sports car. Evan sat in the front seat.

"Yukari!" Agnes shouted, jumping up and down, making the entire car bounce. Yukari rolled her eyes and headed, out.

The entire car smelled of beer and dope, Yukari wrinkled her nose.

"Whata you been up to Agnes?"

"Ohh..not much Yuki.." Agnees was reduced to giggles as She drawled. Her breath smelt highly of alcohol.

"I think that's enough for you." Yukari grabbed the bottle out of Agnes' hand. She stuck her head tot he front.

"Hey Evan, you doped?" She asked, leaning closer to make sure he was sober. He looked at her, his pretty grey eyes grinning.

"Totally, but I'm sober."

"You sure about that?"

"Pretty sure.." He laughed, his eyes wrinkling.

They rode in relative silence towards Downtown, Agnes yelling out once in a while in drunkenness. This wasn't a fun way to start the night. Yukari shut her eyes, praying to any god that was out there, that Evan was telling the truth. The night had hardly started, and already, a headache split her head. Grabbing a bottle, She inhaled the strong smell.

"Deciding to join the fun?" Evan asked, looking back. Yukari didn't respond, instead, She just took a long gulp of the cool, bitter-sweet liquid.

~***~

Yes, yes...I know, abstinence is the only way to go. And its not like I'm an alcoholic, seriously, I mean, I didn't touched a beer at the last three parties...well, Hitomi was there then..its just..its so hard...everything is so hard....sigh

Hitomi never drank..She was always such a goody goody. But I think I envy her in that..I could never do what She does and still keep it all together, god, I couldn't even imagine it....

...I guess..whatever happened to her had to be like, the pits, cause, I've never seen her so...depressed. Even when that other guy dumped her way back..that jerk, Gavin... She bounced back. Hmm..maybe it was a guy, but...would She secretly have a boyfriend, without telling me?

~***~

The club was crowded and smoky. They got in relatively easily, as Agnes was dead drunk, baring most everything to the guard at the door, and Evan's 'friend' helped them in as well. Once inside, Yukari decided to leave Agnes to whatever and head off, perhaps picking a few guys worth something as well.

She sat by herself, sipping at a cool alcoholic drink, the band pounding in the back. Her head felt slightly light, probably the alcohol. She tried to keep the negative feelings away, but they washed over her anyway. Why would Hitomi hate her all of a sudden? Was she not being a good enough friend? And, all these mixed feelings for Amano....Yes, She would admit it, to herself if to no one else, she felt attracted to Amano. But...he had always been Hitomi's guy. Yukari seethed, it was so frustrating.

She suddenly felt a pair of comforting hands massaging her shoulders.

"There there, hun, you'll feel better." A low voice whispered in her ear. Yukari looked up, into the large, crystalline eyes of a young man. He was handsome, very handsome, with olive green eyes and dark blonde hair. His slender fingers massaged her shoulders. He grinned at her.

"Alex Heath." He introduced himself, his smile parting to show perfect pearly whites. Yukari grinned back.

"Yukari." She said. She leaned over the table, feeling her head spin at the sudden movement. "Don't you think," she whispered, "that this world, is crap?" She burst into laughter, knowing all the he while that she was as drunk as Agnes was. How many drinks had she had? Alex grinned.

"Your not crap, baby." He glanced slyly at her, measuring her up and down. Yukari shifted in the tight skirt she wore. She smiled,

"Neither are you."

"What shit the world throwin at ya?" He asked, ordering more drinks for the both of them. Yukari sighed dramatically, and looked at him.

"Well...my best friend hates me, and I'm in love with a guy, but..he doesn't exist, except in my head!" She shouted almost, hitting her head hard.

"Awww...well, you got me." Alex grinned. Yukari paused, then placed a hand on his cheek.

"Yes, baby, I do."

Alex gulped his drink in one quick motion, he grabbed her hands. "Come on, lets get outta this joint."

Yukari's mind shouted at her to go, telling her to stay and wait for Agnes or Evan to give her a ride back, but she found her body moving of its own accord.

The night air was cool and comforting on her aching head. Yukari stumbled around, finding that they had exited the club through a back alley. It was dark. Alex stood behind her, guiding her by soft nudges on her back. She'd lean back every so often, just to feel his solid presence behind her. They reached a dead end. Yukari turned around, the world was spinning.

"Ummm....there's no place to go?" She looked at Alex. His light hair glinted in the dim light. He grinned at her. She blinked, trying to make her vision stay still.

"Of course hun.." He suddenly pushed her forward, plastering his lips against her. Yukari grimaced, trying to turn her face away.

"god..no! Go away!" She tried to push him off her, but he was just about as drunk as she was. His body was heavy against her.

"Get off me!" She shouted.

He forced her against the wall, she struggled against him. She tried to scream, but his hand was forced against her mouth.

"I'm gonna take you home, you delicious little girl" He slurred. Yukari's mind cleared suddenly of all drunkenness, everything suddenly coming in sharp. She tried to push him off, struggling with all her strength. But even with his slender form, he overpowered her. Yukari shut her eyes, wishing that she hadn't come , wishing that everything in her life would just be okay, wishing that Hitomi would just go back to being her bets friend, wishing that He would show up.

Suddenly, Alex's body was heavy against her, heavy but still. SHE opened her eyes slowly. Pushing him off her, he landed with a thud on the pavement, dead drunk. Yukari shuddered as his body hit the ground. For what seemed like hours, she stood there, staring at his body. Then, with a shuddering sob, Yukari collapsed, feeling the hard pavement hit her arm. The sobs racked her body, yet she couldn't feel the tears on her face. She felt numb. As she lay there, the pavement cool and damp, she closed her eyes, and shut herself off to the pain. She closed her eyes, the tears leaking out, and everything went painlessly away.

~***~

What the hell am I doing? What am I doing here? I'm not like this.....I....I...never get drunk. What the hell..what..god, I hurt.groanWhere are you, where are you? Why can't you be real? Why can't you come to me? Why can't you make her be my best friend again? Why, gods, why is this world so cruel? Just be real! Just come to me!!!!!

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~



Slowly, Yukari's eyes fluttered open. Everything seemed blurry. Someone wiped her hot forehead with a damp cloth. God, her head hurt. It must be the worst hangover of her life. Slowly, her memory returned. Agnes' call, the club, all that beer, Alex Heath, the alley, everything rushed back to haunt her. Everything and that feeling of overwhelming pain, overwhelming sadness. Yukari's body shook. Someone placed a cool hand on her arm to still her.

"Shhh...its okay, your safe now." A low voice said softly. Yukari's vision cleared, and she blinked. Her heart stopped.

It was Him.

~***~

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god....learn to breath, breath..breath....its Himsigh He's standing so close to me, he's looking at me. Straight at me. Oh god, breath Yukari, breath. Just breath. He's so beautiful.....just like in the dreams. Is this a dream? No...I feel awake, I can think....I can control myself...well, I think I can anywaylaugh nervously He's so perfect, definitely drool-worthy..oh god. Beautiful blonde hair, amazing blue eyes. He's so....gallant looking. Like a knight. I know I'm blubbering, I know I'm infatuated, this is probably another dream....But..its so much more real than the others, it feels so real, too real! Oh god, I really am going crazy. Well...if it's a dream..then at least I'll enjoy it before I have to wake up......