SONG OF THE SNORTING HAT
by Topaz

Oh you may not think I'm sane
But don't judge on what you see
I'll eat your head if you can find
A more stoned hat than me
You can keep your stupid crack
Your heroine, weed, and all
For I'm the Hogwarts Snorting Hat
And I can cap them all
There's nothing hidden in your head
The Snorting Hat can't hear
So try me on and I will bite you
On the inside of your ear
You might be stuck in Gryffindor
Where dwell the stupid farts
Their pompousness and stupidity
Set Gryffindors apart
You might belong in Hufflepuff
Where they are stupid freaks
Those idiot Hufflepuffs are nuts
This house it really reeks
Or yet in boring Ravenclaw
If you're a complete geek
Those nerds in Ravenclaw are dumb
A bunch of bookworm freaks
Or perhaps in Slytherin
Where you will make no friends
Those Slytherins are poopy heads
They think with their rear ends
So put me on! Be very afraid!
And don't get in a flap!
You're in safe hands (though I have none)
For the Snorting Hat's on crack!