Author's Note: I do not own Mario Kart 8.
All racers in the story: Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Bowser, Wario, Waluigi, Dry Bowser, Donkey Kong, Koopa Troopa, Rosalina, Metal Mario, and Toad.
The twelve racers were sitting behind the starting line in their karts with the engines running. They enthusiastically waited for Lakitu to float over with his countdown lights to start the race.
"I'm going to win that golden cup," Mario said.
"No, I am," Luigi said. "Luigi's number one!"
"You guys don't stand a chance," Yoshi said to Mario and Luigi. "I have a bike, so you're going to get creamed."
"No way!" Toad said. "If anybody, it's you who's going to get creamed. You all are too fat, so you're going to lose; I'm a lightweight. Everyone knows that lightweights win.
Lakitu hovered over to where the racers were. However, before he started counting down with the traffic light, he said to all of the racers, "Before you guys take off, you need to know something. First of all, the engine class is 400cc."
"Woooo!" Donkey Kong shouted, pounding his chest. "That is fast. In fact, that's tripling the speed of 200cc!"
Bowser looked at Donkey Kong incredulously. "What? Your math is incorrect. 400cc is 200cc quadrupled. Get it right."
Donkey Kong looked confused.
Koopa Troopa butted into the argument. "Wrong! You guys are stupid. What did you guys get in math class? An F minus? Or was it something even more pathetic like a Q? Hahaha!"
Bowser turned around quickly and faced Koopa Troopa. "Shut your trap and don't back-sass, you slow-ass. Nobody asked you."
"Enough!" Lakitu said, shutting everyone up. "Anyways, yeah. There's also going to be a bunch of other crazy stuff. That's all I have to say."
"Wait, what do you mean crazy stuff?" Luigi said in fear.
Lakitu ignored him and started the countdown of 3. Between 2 and 1, everyone held down the gas to get an instant boost.
The instant boost was more powerful than expected; the tires screeched and flames literally exploded out of the exhaust of every kart, sending the racers speeding down the road.
"WooaaaAAHHH!" Toad screamed.
"Holy flaming fireballs! This is awesome!" Bowser shouted.
Luigi sped along with the other racers anxiously. "I said...!" he said, using all of his breath. He continued, "What does Lakitu mean by 'crazy stuff'?!"
Nobody answered him.
Everybody passed through the first section of question blocks. Donkey Kong, who was in eleventh place, got an unexpected, unusual item from the question block. It was a set of three mushroom-looking objects called Angry Mushrooms. They looked exactly the same as regular mushrooms with the exception of them having eyebrows forming a frown and red eyes.
Donkey Kong looked at his Angry Mushrooms mysteriously. He looked at the racer in front of him (Dry Bowser). Then he tuned into his gorilla "mathematics" in his mind:
400cc + 3m = t, where t = tremendous speedand m = Angry Mushroom
t = a, where a = awesomeness
a + (Donkey Kong) = –(Dry Bowser)
"That's it! Awesomeness plus Donkey Kong equals negative Dry Bowser. Which means no Dry Bowser!" Donkey Kong said, getting excited over his monkey math. "I'm a genius! G-E-E-N-I-S. I can even spell it, too!"
Donkey Kong initiated all three of his Angry Mushrooms; as a result, he blasted forward with a kart wheelie and bopped Dry Bowser's kart right in the rear. Dry Bowser got sent flying overhead past Rosalina, Luigi, and Metal Mario, and then crashed into a wall. Dry Bowser's body shape got embossed on the wall while his kart exploded, sending nuts, bolts, and other parts skyrocketing.
Donkey Kong pounded his chest like a...well...gorilla.
"Wooo! I'm the best at this race. Nobody can beat m—OH HOLY FLIPSTICKS!" Donkey Kong said, noticing the huge-ass airplane gaining up behind him.
"You're toast now, DK," Yoshi said, who was flying the plane.
Donkey Kong began sweating heavily in fear. "What to do, what to do...this plane...OH GOSH WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
He noticed a set of question blocks down the road.
"That's what I'm going to do!" Donkey Kong said, driving faster to get to the question blocks.
Yoshi was getting quite close to Donkey Kong. "You can't outdrive an plane, DK. Didn't anyone tell you not to bring a kart to an airplane fight?"
Donkey Kong smashed through a question block while being on the verge of getting hit by the airplane. "Please give me a star, please give me a star, please give me a star, please give me a star!" he shouted.
Quite fortunately, Donkey Kong got an Invincibility Star from the question block. Immediately after getting it, he used it just before Yoshi hit him with his plane.
Yoshi hit Invincible Donkey Kong. As a result of this, Yoshi and his plane got sent in the opposite direction with tripled speed, which was faster than the speed he was originally traveling at towards Donkey Kong. Yoshi and his plane were, both figuratively and literally, flipping out and haphazardly flying out of the Earth.
"Okay, I can see how flying a plane in the race can backfire, but I didn't expect this!" Yoshi shouted.
Yoshi continued to skyrocket out of Earth. When he exited Earth's exosphere, the moon was in sight, and it was getting larger and larger.
"Oh. Just great. There's the moon right there and I'M ABOUT TO CRASH INTO IT! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Yoshi screamed, acting completely insane.
He did; as a result, the moon blew up. This caused particulates of the moon, varying widely in size, to separate and eventually orbit around the Earth, forming rings.
Donkey Kong's Invincibility Star wore off. "Ha! I told you nobody could beat me. WOOOOO!" he said while pounding his chest and mooning at Yoshi.
Because he wasn't looking where he was going, Donkey Kong crashed into a pole. This damaged his kart severely; as a result, it stopped working. Donkey Kong sighed.
With Dry Bowser, Donkey Kong, and Yoshi eliminated, nine racers remain (listed in the order of position, from last place to first place): Rosalina, Luigi, Metal Mario, Koopa Troopa, Mario, Waluigi, Wario, Toad, and Bowser.
Bowser was in first place and is a good distance away from the other eight racers. He saw something strange in the distance on the left side of the road. It seemed to be a girl with brown hair and a backpack with a mouth and eyes. She had a map in her hands, and beside her was a monkey wearing red boots.
"Hold on a second. Is that Dora the Explorer over there, or am I going nuts? Because I see Dora the Explorer right there!" Bowser said. "Well then. I got something for you," he continued, laughing evilly.
Dora looked at the racetrack and saw a dragon-turtle-like driver in the distance racing down the road towards her.
She looked down at the map. "I don't think we traveled the right way," she said.
"Yeah, that's because you went right when I specifically told you to take a left!" Boots said angrily. "Now look where you put us. There's a turtle or dragon or whatever driving a kart, racing towards us, and his name is Bowser. And he is going to screw you over badly!"
"But I did take a left, and this is left," Dora said.
Boots had enough of Dora's extreme cluelessness and retarded bullshit. After staring at Dora emotionlessly for a while, he pulled out a loaded pistol, put it in his mouth, and pulled the trigger to kill himself.
Meanwhile, Bowser drove by Dora and blasted her by hurling rapid-fire fireballs at her. Then he threw a Green Shell with excessive force, demolishing her.
"Looks like Dora explored the wrong place," Bowser said, laughing at his own joke.
All of the other racers passed by the burning, screaming, and dying Dora with their attention focused on her. Luigi gave her his death stare.
Rosalina (ninth place) passed by as well. "Good riddance. I was so tired of Dora asking me where the mountain was all the time. Now it's time to dominate this race and pick off these racers one by one."
She sped up and drove through a question block. She got an item called the Rapid-Fire Shell Gun. It took the form similar to a machine gun. "Ooo, yes, this is what I'm looking for," she said.
Rosalina drove up next to Luigi. Luigi was about to give her a death stare, but then saw the menacing item she was holding.
She looked at him. "Don't do your death stare at me, Luigi, or face the power of this item."
Luigi smiled nervously and slowed down substantially to let her pass by.
Rosalina looked back. Luigi was far behind, and was completely fine with it; he doesn't need a shell storm screwing him over. "Oh, that's so nice of him," Rosalina said with a smile.
Meanwhile, Luigi was on the side of the track with his engine turned off. "Man, I gotta see Rosalina, that hot star-loving princess, totally demolish everybody remaining in this race. Then my life would be complete."
Luigi got out of his kart and pulled out a bag of popcorn, a can of soda, a chair, a video camera, and put on sunglasses (for no reason other than to amuse himself). He walked up a hill where he could see the whole racetrack, put his chair down, sat in it, opened his can of soda, put his bag of popcorn on his lap, and began recording with his camera.
Lakitu floated over to Luigi. "Luigi, what the hell? Why aren't you racing? You're supposed to be racing."
Luigi put the camera down. "Yeah, why don't you tell that to Donkey Kong, whose kart crashed into a pole and doesn't work anymore, or Yoshi, who went up to the moon and blew up? Or you know, you could easily put together an exploded kart that belongs to Dry Bowser," he said with a sarcastic tone.
Lakitu looked stumped. "Good point," he said, floating away afterwards. When he went away, Luigi aimed his camera back at the scene.
On the track, Metal Mario looked in his rear-view mirror. Rosalina was speeding down the track, gaining up behind him with her Rapid-Fire Shell Gun. The foreign item caught his attention. "What the heck is that? Where did she—"
When Rosalina was a few feet behind him, she activated her item. Red and green shells spewed out of the barrel at a rate of 140 shells per second (at least), hitting Metal Mario from many directions. This sent Metal Mario's kart screeching sideways off the road and crashing through a wall; however, she wasn't done. She continued to fire at him, causing him to literally flip out like a chipmunk on crack while the kart only got more and more severely damaged. She perpetuated this until Metal Mario veered into a body of water. To his inconvenience, Lakitu didn't rescue him.
Meanwhile, Luigi said while eating his popcorn and chugging his soda, "This is so freaking awesome!"
Koopa Troopa, who was ahead of Metal Mario, was watching the whole thing. He appeared to be offended. "I am so triggered. Bowser would never approve of this. She shouldn't be destroying innocent turtles' shells like that! Everybody knows that I'm a Turtle Rights activist, and when anyone triggers me, things get serious!"
Koopa Troopa braked furiously and waited for Rosalina to come up next to him. When she did, she stopped, and he said, "You can't do that, Rosalina. Stop being a turtle hater! You privileged humans are so—"
Rosalina shut him up with a blast of a cluster of shells. This sent him flying straight towards a wall; he crashed straight through it while the kart exploded into a thousand pieces. Koopa Troopa landed into the same body of water where Metal Mario was.
She laughed and said with a smirk, "See ya." Then she sped off with a smile. Unfortunately, the Shell Gun ran out of ammunition; therefore, Rosalina didn't have that item anymore.
Mario was ahead of Rosalina, and they both were getting to another set of question blocks. Both of them got one; Mario's question block gave him a Fire Flower. He looked back and tried to hit Rosalina with fireballs, but failed.
"Oh, no you didn't just try to do that, Mario," Rosalina said, flooring the gas in attempt to catch up with him.
Mario saw Rosalina next to him.
"Hey, I have a gift for you," Rosalina lied.
Mario's competitiveness quickly switched to enthusiasm. "Oh, what is it?"
She revealed a Bob-omb and threw it at Mario's face. He screamed and flew straight up, getting lost in the sky. He would have continued to fly up if it wasn't for a Hammer Bro flying a plane at the right exact time; Mario hit his head under the left wing of the plane, causing him to have a dizzy skydive back down to the racetrack.
Mario wasn't so lucky again. When he fell back down to the racetrack, he landed right in front of Rosalina's speeding kart barely at the right time; this caused Rosalina to ram straight into Mario, sending him flying over the hill that Luigi was on.
"Oooops, sorryyy! Not!" Rosalina laughed.
Luigi panned his camera in synchronization with Mario's flight, getting the whole thing on tape. While Mario screamed, Luigi fell off his chair (so did his popcorn and soda, which spilled all over him), laughing his ass off ecstatically. "Daaaammn, Rosalina! You're the best racer ever! AND THE BEST PART IS THAT I'M GETTING ALL OF THIS ON TAPE!" Luigi said after he was done pounding the ground with both of his fists and kicking his legs out of laughter.
Now it is down to 5 racers (listed in order of position, last to first): Rosalina, Waluigi, Wario, Toad, and Bowser.
Wario and Waluigi were neck-and-neck with each other, staring each other down.
"You will not finish before me," Wario shouted.
"I bet you're wrong!" Waluigi said in his nasally voice.
"Oh really?" Wario said.
"Yeah! Face my item that I'm about to throw at you," Waluigi said.
Waluigi crashed into a pole.
"Yeah, about that..." Wario said.
Wario continued to drive, but then a Mounty Mole drilled out from underground in front of Wario.
"Oh nononono, crap!" Wario said, trying to swerve out of the way. However, this failed; Wario hit the Mounty Mole and got sent airborne, flipping over several times on the road.
"Great, now I have a bunch of tire marks on top of my head," the mole said.
Luckily for Wario, he landed right side up and his kart wasn't damaged that badly.
At least not yet. Rosalina rammed into Wario, causing him to scream and barrel down the track straight into Toad, causing Toad to go full speed into the rear of Bowser's kart.
Bowser braked to a short stop. "You suckers, Fat Yellow Guy and Lil' Mushroom Bitch-Ass, tryin' to mess with me? The King of Koopas? Well, take a little bit of this," Bowser said irately.
Bowser walked up to Toad. He spat fire and forcefully punched him at the same time, which caused Toad to break his nose and become a blazing fireball that flew straight towards Wario. Toad hit Wario; as a result, Wario's butt caught on fire and he ran towards the nearest body of water while jumping and flapping his arms like a maniac on crack.
Rosalina watched the whole thing. "Yes, Wario, keep doing those jumping jacks! You really need to lose some weight."
Bowser drove off, as well as Rosalina who wasn't far behind him.
Bowser looked at his rear-view mirrors. "It's just Rosalina now? That's it? Oh, then this is going to be too easy."
Both racers went through a set of question blocks. Bowser got a Green Shell, and while Rosalina was still in the process of getting an item, he hit Rosalina by throwing the Green Shell backwards, without even looking back to aim.
Her kart flipped over and landed on its wheels. Rosalina grabbed the wheel and angrily said, "Oh, you did not just do that."
She slammed the gas pedal to the floor. The tires screeched as she accelerated into high speed, leaving smoke and flaming tire tracks behind her. At the same time, the question block that she got gave her (finally) another unusual item: an item that was called "The Everything Block". It was a small block with a color of pure black.
Luigi watched the flaming tire tracks while he continued to record. "Damn, things are getting serious now!"
Rosalina looked at the strange item in her hand. "I don't know what this is supposed to do, but I'll activate it and see."
Activating The Everything Block wasn't good news for Bowser. Not at all! In fact, it was the worst thing that could ever possibly happen to him. As the name of the item suggests, The Everything Block sent everything bad towards Bowser.
Millions of high-powered Bullet Bills slammed into Bowser from every possible direction. Shells of all kinds—red, green, and spiny blue ones—rained down from the sky and repeatedly hit Bowser with tremendous amounts of force. Airplanes from above flew over and carpet-bombed the hell out of Bowser with Bob-ombs that were ten times their original size. Billions of lightning bolts shot down from the sky and super-fried Bowser as he experienced the sheer combined power of septillions of amperes and electromotive force.
Everything. Everything and much more, all at the same time.
"HOOOOOOOOLLLLLYYYYYY SSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!" AAAAGGGHHH! THIS IS SO NOT FUUUNNNNYYYYYY!" Bowser screamed while getting destroyed, much to Rosalina's entertainment.
"WOOOOOO! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Luigi screamed in ecstasy, continuing to record with his camera.
As if it wasn't enough, a huge asteroid from outer space came straight down and penetrated through each layer of Earth's atmosphere. When it hit the surface, it exploded with so much energy to an incomprehensible level, utterly demolishing Bowser with a loud, eardrum-busting boom. Everything was on fire, and a huge crater was formed by the enormous space rock.
–~*~–
After Rosalina was given the golden cup, she got into her kart and exited the vicinity of the racetrack. She drove away at a moderately slow speed while watching the sunset ahead of her.
Luigi caught up to her and drove next to her. He looked at her, and instead of giving his death stare, he gave a wide grin.
"Rosalina, that was so amazing," he said.
Rosalina at him and smiled. "I'm glad you enjoyed it, Luigi."
They continued to drive for the remainder of the ride.
—END—
Author's Note: Well, that was fun to write. I hope you enjoyed!