He swears that his girlfriend is psychic. And if not, her luck is amazing and he should really convince her to invest in a lottery ticket. He, on the other hand, can't seem to do anything right with her.
They had been dating for 12 months at the time, well 11 months, 29 days, and 11 minutes, but hey, who's counting? And he thought he would be the world's best boyfriend and get her a present.
When he had asked his dad, the old Russian merely laughed and said, "Cover the basics: flowers...chocolates, definitely chocolates...promises you don't intend to keep...and possibly a teddy bear."
"Dad" Jack had a horrified look on his face.
"What? Is the bear too much? Then don't get her the bear, son. Simple" North dismissed with a flounder of his hand.
"Mom, how do you deal with this?" Jack called to the woman who was reading on the couch.
"Simple. Ladies don't start fights. We merely finish them." Thiana stated without looking up from her book. "And North, honey, with the greatest possible respect I can muster at this moment," The sickly sweet smile she had on her face when she looked up made Jack mentally vow to never forget to put down the toilet seat ever again. "I insist you shut your trap."
Sensing his parents' need to have a talk, Jack quickly left them to themselves and found himself back at square one. The main problem was that there are only so many things you can get a girl whose allowance is more than a workingman's monthly pay. The fact that he was in medical school also put a strain on his almost nonexistent wallet. So he turned to the source that every desperate boyfriend goes to: a fashion magazine. Yes, he loves Elsa that much.
After passing his fifth weight loss commercial, he found an ad for a puppy adoption agency with Best Anniversary Gift for Your Girlfriend written across the poor creature's face in offensively pink block letters. At the time it was a sign. A gift sent from above. Oh, how he now regrets ever having wasted a dollar seventy-five plus tax on that darn magazine.
He had stopped by the local shelter and picked up a hyperactive Maltese that mistook his head as...what exactly the thing thought his white hair was he never found out. But it's not normal for a dog to start salivating at the sight of your white locks. When he managed to clean the trails of slobber he put the drooling thing in a blue box, with holes and some food, and placed the little sucker in his back seat before preceding to pick up Elsa from school.
She greeted him with a peck on the cheek but there were traces of agitation on her face. That should have been the sign for him to hide the box.
"You okay there, Els?"
"Yeah. I wish I could say the same for my pants, though."
"Pants?" Jack looked to her outfit to see that she was wearing a rather small jean skirt.
"Eyes up here, Jack." Jack blushed as Elsa continued on her spiel, "Well, I was wearing my killer pants today-"
"Oh, your space pants? The ones that make you butt look out of this world, right?" Jack added with a cheeky grin.
"Yeah, out of this world and out of your league." Elsa winked when Jack pouted. "Well, Merida's terrier was apparently never potty trained and my jeans looked like newspaper? I don't know."
Jack merely nodded as she went on. "Like I get it that they're man's best friend, but I have never wanted to strangle a thing so much before. It just jumped on my lap and peed right there. Like, the heck? Pets in general bother me. They yap so much, they pee, they shed," At this point Jack was beginning to cast nervous glances at the box in the back seat.
"They take so much time to manage, and you know that you're the only handful I can manage right now" Jack was praying right now that the box would stay silent. "And I am glad that you had the decency of mind to never get a pet-"
Bark!
At the sound, Elsa's eyes widened as the box in the backseat made itself known. Jack was prepared to pass it off as his new ringtone before the box started to move on its own. Dang.
As realization dawned on Elsa's face she began apologizing profusely. "Oh my... I didn't know. I meant to say that dogs are adorable," she was trying to put the box on her lap at this point. "So adorable. And have I mentioned how I have always liked their...hair? I was speaking out of sheer jealousy." Jack could only awkwardly smile as his girlfriend proceeded to nurse his wounded ego.
That day Jack nearly burned his house down when he tried burning a magazine on the kitchen stove. He finally understood why the devil wears Prada. The magazines probably told him to.
The next week he had planned the perfect conciliatory gift for Elsa. After dropping off Marshmallow- who was named after the only thing it would willingly eat- at Anna's house, he proceeded to drive them to their reservation at Ratatouille's. It was an upscale joint that just opened up and although it was pricy as heck, Elsa was worth every penny.
"Come on Jack. You know you suck at surprises. Just tell me where we're going already." she pestered and punctuated every word with a poke to the arm.
"Nope," Popping his lips to prove how serious he was.
"Well, wherever it is I hope that it will be better than where Eugene took Punzie to yesterday." At this, Jack cast a curious glance at his girlfriend as he pulled into the street approaching the restaurant.
"She kept ranting about it when she got back. Apparently the place was new so they wanted to try it out, but the service was horrid and the food was mediocre at best. She kept finding hair in her soup, and it wasn't even her own this time" Elsa cringed at the thought as Jack turned to enter the parking lot. Elsa, on the other hand, was too caught up with her story to notice the building they were approaching, "some place called Ratatouille, I think"
Jack froze. Oh, his luck.
"I wouldn't want to go there anyway. It's overpriced and you know it's bad when Eugene asked Punzie if they could try the place again and she said 'later'. Know this: when a woman says later, she means never," Elsa noticed his growing discomfort by then and placed a worried hand on his arm. "Are you okay?"
"You know what? We should avoid eating for a while then. I don't feel too good..." Jack mumbled as he tried to back out of the parking lot. But the stars weren't aligned that day. Only the stars on the dang Ratatouille logo were, and they lighted up just to draw Elsa's attention to them. Looking from the restaurant and then to her boyfriend, Elsa mirrored a gaping fish. A cute gaping fish, though.
"Jack...I didn't mean that. I probably heard wrong. I mean, I love French cuisine?" Elsa gave a weak smile as Jack could only proceed to bang his head against the wheel.
Third time's the charm, right? Wrong. Whoever said that should die. They probably already are dead if they took their own advice. Jack shouldn't have taken that advice. He should have opted out of surprises. But he didn't, and that's why he is currently escorting his girlfriend of 18 months to a romantic picnic he arranged by a waterfall. It seemed like a good idea at the time. He had even asked Pippa.
"Pip, I need help"
"I know you do." That earned her a glare.
"Someday you'll go far, Pip. I hope you stay there." Pippa responded to the remark with a raspberry.
"I know you're trying to offend me, but your face is doing a better job at the moment. Now get to the point." She stated with an unimpressed look on her face.
"What's a good way to propose to Elsa?"
Looking back at the conversation, he probably shouldn't have insulted the girl who he entrusted with advice for the future of his love life. Well, you live and learn, he just may not live for much longer.
"Jack, this is amazing," Elsa gasped as they reached the candlelit picnic next to the lake. Jack had to admit, at the time everything was going according to plan.
"Anything for you" Jack whispered into her ear before pressing a kiss to the top of her head. He lead her to the blanket and passed the hefty picnic basket to his girlfriend.
"Is that Kjøttboller? And chocolate cake?" Elsa began gushing as she took out the food from the basket. Jack couldn't help the smirk creeping onto his face as he watched Elsa's happiness at the contents of the basket.
"I haven't had wienerbrød in forever," She exclaimed as she began to take a bite out of the pastry. Elsa was chewing happily before her face began paling. "J-jack?"
"Hmm?" Jack asked, not looking away from his own pastry that he was currently enjoying.
"Is this strawberry sauce?"
"Yeah, wh-"
"I'm allergic to strawberries." Elsa rushed out as she began a coughing fit. Now it was Jack's turn to pale. One would think that two medical students would bring a first aid kit with them wherever they went. Most probably did. Just not the bad ones. They were the bad ones.
"Oh my go-"
"C-calm down. *cough* I have an Epi- *cough* EpiPen in my purse." Upon hearing this, Jack began frantically looking for her small bag just to find it drifting in the lake after he had unconsciously knocked it over during his panic.
"Shoot." Jack dived into the lake and retrieved the bag. "Here Els, catch!"
Unfortunately, with his poor aim and Elsa's coughing state, she fell into the lake when she leaned over to catch the EpiPen.
Jack can safely say that his girlfriend survived the debacle, if only he could say the same for his relationship.
"Gosh Els, I'm so sorry."
"Stop apologizing. It's fine." She gave a good-natured laugh. "Besides, it's not like you were trying to propose or anything." Jack must have been Hitler in a past life. That's it. He must have committed some grand crime against life, and life was getting back at him.
"Yeah. Good thing, huh..." Jack was now reduced to uncomfortably scratching the back of his head when he should have been retrieving the ring he hid on the celery sticks. And to think he thought the worst was over.
"Jack?" Elsa's voice was shakey. "What's this?" She held up the celery stick with the ring on it. Jack wondered for a brief moment if her bag had a euthanasia shot in it too.
"Gosh, babe," Jack sighed and began to message his temples. "This was supposed to be the world's best surprise, and...and, I just. I'm just stupid."
"Don''t say that. You are not stupid. You're just bad at thinking." She said with a pitying smile.
Great. Of all the times for him to rub off on her. "You know what? Forget it. Just forget this, let's go home." Jack had had enough by now and just wanted the day to be over.
"Wait, Jack." He turned back to look at her. "Yes," Elsa replied with a blush.
"Yes? Yes to what?" Jack asked confused.
She stared at him blankly for a moment. "Yes, I'll marry you."
When her words hit him he picked her up before planting a sloppy kiss on her lips. Separating with a choked laugh, Jack began twirling her around before trapping her in an encasing hug.
"I'm just have one request."
"Yes, anything." Jack would have sold an organ if she asked him to at that moment. He never liked his liver that much anyway.
"No more surprises. Otherwise, I won't live to see the wedding."