A/N:This only took two hours, so it's not great. I've been feeling rather despondent lately because I've read all the Sheyla out there and I still haven't been satisfied, so here's another one shot. I swear I'll cry if they end the series without getting John and Teyla together. It'll be like Mal and Inara from Firefly. That ship was never concluded!!!! It still hurts… right, enough ranting. I have to thank Asugar for the inspiration of this story. Cheers.
Care
Damn, this hurt.
She was over there, now, playing happy families. With Kanaan. John had never felt so alone. He had grown up in a silent house where no one spoke to each other. He had felt alone then, but he had played an active part in that loneliness. He didn't want to be a part of the Sheppard clan, not as it was then. But this was Atlantis. His home. And now he felt alone here, too. Worst of all, it was his own fault. No one was excluding him, but he just felt so adrift right now he couldn't connect properly with anything that was happening.
God, he was screwed up.
He had never done anything about his attraction to Teyla. He had made the conscious choice of not moving forward. Hell, he'd even said a few times that she was better off with someone other than him, that he was too screwed up for the type of relationship he wanted with Teyla. Thing was, he wanted everything from her. Not just her body or the fun of the moment like with all those other alien woman he had flirted with. He just hadn't felt like he had it in him to give up as much in return. Now, though, he realised that - had Teyla reciprocated- she wouldn't have demanded everything of him at once. She understood him better than anyone else alive right now, and she wouldn't have pushed too hard.
It was too late now. She had a son, a beautiful little baby boy that looked so like Teyla it hurt sometimes to look at him. It was always worth it, though. Whatever discomfort he might have felt holding Kanaan's child was nothing in comparison to the feeling of cradling the child in his arms, or of watching Teyla do so. He had thought her beautiful before, but that was nothing to the woman she was now. Having a child made her radiant. Ah, dammit. He ran his hands through his hair. The air was getting chilly out here on one of Atlantis' many balconies. Two moons were in the sky, lighting up the crystalline structures.
It wasn't calming him tonight.
Or any other night the past few weeks. He felt so drained all the time, like nothing could make him happy. Sometimes he used to day dream about himself and Teyla getting together, but now he couldn't. He couldn't see a way past this situation. Sighing, John got ready for another night of little sleep and turbulent thoughts.
*******
The mission went bad. Real bad for John. He lay now in an infirmary bed, his chest swathed in bandages. He had a punctured lung, a tendon torn in his right arm, and a gaping hole in his chest from where he had been impaled on a metal spire. Overall, he was not good.
The team visited him regularly. Even Torren had come a few times, endlessly bright in John's currently shabby existence. He had dreams… he could swear that Teyla was there sometimes, when he was barely conscious. He asked Jennifer, and her face gave him his answer. He couldn't take this.
*****
Keller said it would be a few more days, but he'd finally be able to leave the infirmary.
"Looking forward to freedom?" Ronon's voice was its usual rumbling bass tone.
"Can't wait. It's been three weeks." The younger man chuckled as he got up to leave, Rodney on hi heels. Teyla was just about to follow them when John grabbed her arm.
"Did you ever have a hero, Teyla? Someone you looked up to more than anyone. Someone you idolised." He was holding her hand tightly, looking at her intently. A little taken aback by his behaviour, Teyla had to think for a moment. She was alone in the room with him now.
"Not one person in particular, but there were stories of people I idolised." John's eyes became distant as he stared at the ceiling, but his grip held firm.
"My uncle was my hero. My mum's brother. The first time I met him was at my mum's funeral. My dad hated him, so I had never even known she had a brother until then. There was this huge shouting match between him and dad. My mum over dosed some time after she discovered she had multiple scleroses and the prognosis was dire. My dad said she was a coward to take her own life instead of fight. He was so angry and bitter. I think he really loved her, and blaming her was the only way he could see of getting over her. I had argued with my dad about that, and my brother. I thought- I still believe- that she did it to save us from watching her die. That was the first real thing my dad and I argued about. It was kind of the beginning and end of us. We had gotten on pretty well before she died, but after that argument our father/son relationship just kinda… broke. We never saw eye to eye afterwards, and dad began finding all the little things about me that he didn't like. At her funeral, my uncle fought with my dad. He felt the same thing that I did, that mum had died for us, not out of fear. That what she did was a brave, selfless act. I remember shouting out that my uncle was right.
"So, yeah, I've gone a bit off track, but after that we became real close, like a thorn in my dad's side. His thoughts and ideas- he was something of a poet, real avid reader- everything he said and did seemed profound to me. I had always been interested in the military, but he had actually been there. That was actually the problem. What he saw while he was at war made him hard to live with. His wife and kids left him because he was impossible to be around when he had his mood swings. I was the only one who could put up with him. But I wasn't enough. He loved his wife so much… When she stopped talking to him he just… Gave up. He didn't want to live a life without her in it. So he… went out the same way my mum did." John paused, his gaze distant. Teyla waited patiently for him to continue. Some things were beginning to slowly slip into place.
"She meant so much to him. It really affected me. I couldn't imagine caring about someone so much that I'd… He said he didn't feel complete without her. I've always held this belief that a person could be complete without someone else in their life. That's why I never-" Teyla leant down and kissed his temple. She understood. He didn't need to say any more, which was a good thing as he was looking tired.
"You should rest, John."
"Yeah," he was already drifting off. Teyla slowly disengaged her hand from his.
*****
Damn, it was good to sleep in his own bed. Well, he was lying on it, anyway. The sun rays coming in the open window prevented him from falling asleep. That, and the fact that he had slept almost non stop for the past month. He still felt really tired, though.
The chimes of his door sounded.
"Come in." There was the swish of the door opening, and then the swish-swish of material moving towards him. Lifting his head a little, he spied Teyla standing over him, Torren in hand, wearing one of those sparring skirts he liked so much. She smiled at him as he rose up on his elbows, manoeuvring to rest his back against the head board.
"Mind if I put him down?"
"Go ahead." They hadn't seen each other since that rather one-sided talk three nights ago. John felt a little on edge, but conversely also at peace. Teyla rested the child beside John on the bed, then moved over to his sofa to remove the cushions and placed them on the other side to keep him in. "Want me to move?" John rose up on his arms and moved to swing his legs over the side.
"No. no. Stay where you are." She indicated the chair and when he nodded she moved it over to his bedside. On his side. Cool, was the random thought that went through his mind. He placed an arm on the other side of Torren's head. The little guy was looking around him, all quiet because of the new place. He looked over at John and squealed, which caused a bubble of laughter to erupt from John. This caused a slight coughing fit, which had Teyla on her feet beside him.
"I'm alright," he felt oddly touched that she'd come to his aid like that. She sat back down. Clearing his throat he took Torren's waving fist in his much larger hand. He glanced at Teyla. "How's the little guy been?" She let out a large sigh.
"He's been a handful the past few days. Very excitable. This is the first time he's been quiet since he was asleep last night."
"He's always good for me." He smiled over at her. They sat in silence for a few minutes. John was silently giving him a pep talk. He opened his mouth a few times to start talking, but he stopped each time. The third time he tried and failed he shut his eyes and rested his head against the headboard with a thump. He felt breath against his cheek and opened his eyes to find Teyla standing over him with a hot look in her eyes. She leaned closer slowly, and it took until the moment her lips touched his for his sleep-foggy brain to realise what was going on. He realised for a split second that Teyla was kissing him, and then his mind could think of nothing but the soft pull and brush of lips against lips. When she cupped a hand against his cheek it reminded him that he could be doing the same, so he used the hand not holding on to Torren to grasp her hair and lean her closer to his mouth, making the kiss deeper.
Slowly, slowly, Teyla leaned back from the kiss, her hand travelling down to John's clavicle as she moved away. John just smiled, which made her blush. Torren made an inarticulate little noise that drew their attention to him, but before Teyla turned back John kissed her on the cheek.
A/N: Just a little bit of what I thought John's past might have been like, and what the argument was between John and his dad. I'll go into more detail in Baby Steps. Sorry to anyone out there who saw John's life as being different, but meh- Until the show says otherwise, that's how I see John's past. I might write an m chapter afterwards, but I'm swamped now, and it seemed a good place to leave it.