Sleepless foreigner improvising a story instead of sleeping. (Format's probably shit because I wrote this on my phone, just like the 50 Shades of Grey lady.)
Finally! The monsters were free, they no longer had to live as outcasts in the most beautiful cave(?) ever! You know, because humans aren't judgmental at all and they'll accept and acknowledge these creatures as equals... even though those oxygen-needers fuckers started the war that imprisoned them in the first place.
Anyway.
Frisk, who had lived this exact same experience 739 times this week, knew what was coming next.
"Well, my child. What should we do now? We'll need a house, and human currency, and probably..." The self proclaimed goat mother started, wondering if wine was easier to get on the surface. Oh, she sure missed those long nights she spent with her friends Michael Buble and Woodbridge.
But before she could continue, Frisk cut her off. "Woah, woah, hey, woah! No. When I said I wanted to stay with you, I didn't mean 'you' specifically. I mean, a woman who automatically adopts me as soon as she sees me? I'm sorry, but I'm suspicious." They took a few steps away muttering something that sounded like "besides, you're a controlling ass bitch, and I ain't having none of that. Y'all can't stop the Frisk." Later on, they released their mixtape and they won a Grammy. Kanye West didn't like that.
The rest of their friends came back from the mysterious off screen territory after Frisk opened their last bag of popato chips.
"hey frisko, mind giving your old friend sans a few of those? you know, for the old times." Sans tried to persuade them, winking tentatively.
The human being shook their head. "Nah, I still remember my many fights against you. You don't deserve these." They hissed and walked past him.
He chuckled and ignored what they just said. It was better that way. "if you give me a couple, i'll let you stay with papy and me."
Frisk turned around, their expression curious, mostly because he was able to hear their conversation with Toriel. "Do you even have a pla-? No, no... yeah, it's you, and you can do that time-space magic and stuff..." They seemed to be talking to themself. After some deliberation, they spoke up again. "No. You skeletons need therapy. Both of you."
"eh, have it your way." Sans shrugged and went back to... school. Yeah, he went back to school.
Frisk eyed the rest of the monsters. Papyrus was an absolute no-no as a prosthetic parent, and the fish lady he was fighting over their chips with was even worse.
Alphys... well, she had brains... but Frisk doubted she and Undyne could supply the necessities of a ?-year old.
Besides, why would they want to take care of a child anyway? They were young, and probably they wanted to ADVANCE in their relationship...
Frisk thought about living with the dog(g) pound, at least until they remembered that they weren't dogs. "Curse you, fate!" They exclaimed, shaking a fist in rage.
Finally, behind the rest of candidates, there was Asgore. A really attractive gentleman who knew how to treat a young human, mostly because he had his own some time ago, but also because he liked to read those magazines that taught you how to properly breastfeed your baby. Mmm, yeah. Breastfeed me, daddy.
Frisk walked up to him, beaming at him, and receiving a hopeful smile as a response. "Do you want some?" They asked merrily, offering him the bag of chips.
He shook his head and answered in a very polite manner, as he used to. "Thank you very much, Frisk, but I'm trying to avoid trans fats."
'Is that considered transphobia?' Frisk wondered. They wanted to ask him if they could live with him, but instead of doing it directly, they tried a more subtle way. "Hey, so... I have this idea for a show... about a goat man who adopts a human child because he is the least worst option to live with, and... many interesting things happen."
Asgore liked the idea, but he didn't get the real meaning behind it. "Sounds good. Have you thought about anyone for the lead roles?"
"Uhhh... maybe Jon Cryer as the goat dad? I mean, he was great on Two and a half- wait, no. No, this isn't about my successful sitcom, it's about us!" Their eyes were penetrating his, and their pupils were filled with love, hope, and determination. It burned when they blinked.
Asgore was confused. Like, very confused. "What do you mean? Do you want me to be your producer? Because I'm broke."
Frisk's left eye was twitching, but they took a deep breath and thought about the possibilities of having such an oblivious dad. "ADOPT ME, GODDAMMIT!" They finally whispered.
'!' Asgore thought.
After two hours of Asgore crying, Asgore monologuing about being baaad, and Undyne calling him a "fucking pussy", Frisk was able to respond. "It was your ex's fault. Ugh, how could you marry her? I mean, you're way better than her, with that perfect body of yours, and your compassion and huggability, and your tea... besides, I bet those people that died down there deserved it. What would they climb Mt. Ebbot for? Yeah, they weren't up to any good, that's for sure. Except for me, an innocent child who wasn't running away from home just because my mom didn't want to buy me a Wii U."
"Wha-?" He tried to ask between sobs before Frisk cut him off.
"I love you. Adopt me. You're innocent. I like tea. I'll knit you a new sweater."
Eventually Asgore complied. They hugged before going home(?) and Frisk's new dad whispered something in their ear. "My levels of sexual frustration know no limits, so you better be old enough to take my phallus, or I'll fill the house with Vietnamese male prostitutes."
They lived happily ever after. Flowey moved in with them. Nobody was happy with that.