"YOU TOO CAN BE A MAGICAL GIRL!"
By merlyn2.
"Puella Magica Madoka Magi" is the property of SHAFT. This is a sillyfic based on the series, not to be taken too seriously.
"Good afternoon, girls," said the smiling creature on the television screen, which resembled a white kitten with an angelic smile. "Do you like reading magical girl manga, or watching magical girl anime? Now you can do more than that. Instead of just reading or watching 'Sailor Moon' or 'Cardcaptor Sakura', you can actually live it! Just make a contract with me, Kyubey, and you can become a magical girl today!
"That's right. Just make a contract with me, and you too can be a magical girl. You can battle witches and their familiars before they fill your neighborhood with despair, and do it all in a magnificent costume! So what are you waiting for? Just call the number on the bottom of the screen, and contract with me today!
"But wait, there's more! If you contract with me, I will grant you any wish you desire. That's right, any wish. No matter how large or how small your wish is, I will grant it! Want to live forever? Granted! Want to be fantastically wealthy? Granted! Want a sandwich? Granted! So become a magical girl, and get a free wish as a bonus! So make your call now. Operators are standing by." A smaller image appeared for a moment, above Kyubey's head, of Sakaya and Kyoko seated behind a telephone-covered desk.
"And now," said Kyubey, "let's meet one of our satisfied customers, shall we? Here's Mami Tomoe."
A pretty dark-haired girl stepped out on the stage, carrying a large gun. Kyubey glanced at her for a moment, then said, "Excuse me, but I said Mami Tomoe, not Homura Akemi."
"Mami couldn't make it," said Homura. "She's been – forgive me for the cliché – tied up."
Backstage, Mami struggled to get free of the enormous ribbon that bound her arms to her sides and her legs together. "Turnaround is not fair play, Homura!" she shouted.
"Very well," said Kyubey. "Then perhaps you can share with our audience what it's like to be a mag -"
Homura riddled him with bullets, then turned to the screen. "Disclaimer," she said. "Side effects of becoming a magical girl include your life force being transferred to your Soul Gem, which means that you become a well-preserved animated corpse from then on. Being separated from your Soul Gem puts you in a coma until it's returned to you. Your wish will go sour, bringing misery and despair into your life, which will darken your Soul Gem. Using magic also darkens your Soul Gem. And when your Soul Gem becomes completely dark – and I said 'when', not 'if' – you will become a witch like the ones you've been fighting. And the Incubator here won't tell you any of this until after you make the contract with him. So don't become a magical girl, any of you watching this – and I especially mean you, Madoka."
"Thank you, Homura," said a fresh Kyubey, who had appeared out of nowhere during Homura's speech and just finished eating his predecessor's remains. "So don't delay. Become a magical girl today! Just call this number: 1-800-"
Homura almost shot him, but then nodded as if a better idea had occurred to her. Instead, she turned to the camera and shot it. The screen turned to static and then blank.