RK's Last Stand

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

RK's beginning to go through a crisis right before his tenth birthday, which leads him to meet a new friend named Harold at the local retirement home (John Witherspoon). Will RK eventually realize what he needs to get out of his funk?

1. RK's Last Stand Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 3

EPISODE 14

Airdate: April 5, 2015

Title: RK's Last Stand

Segway Segment: None

Special Guest Stars: John Witherspoon as Harold, Anna Revia-Khocholava as Herself

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK is repeatedly crumpling up paper into a ball and throwing it on the floor in frustration. He runs his hands through his hair and lets out a big moan when Sparky comes in and sees the mess.)

SPARKY: I can see this wasn't the best time to come.

RK: No, go ahead. It's not like I have an actual success on my hands anyway.

SPARKY: What are you talking about?

RK: As you know, Sparky, my birthday's coming up.

SPARKY: Yeah, last year, you wouldn't stop reminding us it was coming. Now what?

RK: Well, my birthday party is hereby cancelled. When I turn ten, it will be when the Mets win the World Series.

SPARKY: But you love your birthday, RK.

RK: That's what I thought. Until the essay.

SPARKY: Essay?

RK: Let's have a little flashback, shall we?

(Sparky and RK both look up at the ceiling and things start to get hazy. We are now in RK's English class. Buster is also in it as well.)

BUSTER: So, you plan to get a brand-new car for your birthday?

RK: Nah, I'm just going to trick out the one I already have. Boy, it's going to be sick. It will have chrome on the side, lasers on the inside, and a 50-pound machine gun coming out of the sunroof.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Okay, kids, this is going to be your assignment due in two weeks. I want you to write a paper on your greatest adventure ever.

(At that point, the flashback ends abruptly. Sparky just scratches his head.)

SPARKY: RK, you didn't explain what the problem is.

RK: Isn't it obvious?!

SPARKY: No.

RK: I don't HAVE a greatest adventure ever! My life is bullshit! No matter how hard I try, I can't write about anything interesting that really happened to me.

SPARKY: Are you crazy? No, wait, we all know the answer to that. You've done all sorts of cool things. You went to New York City to fight Nickelodeon, you've been to two Super Bowls, helped Buster find his dad in Canada, gambled in Vegas...

RK: Sparky, are you just making up this stuff so I'll have something to write about?

(Sparky gives RK a bored expression)

RK: Alright, alright, that stuff actually happened. But it's too out of left field. I need to write about something realistic.

SPARKY: I'm looking at one of your stories on the floor right here. I'm pretty sure giant crocodiles attacking your room doesn't count as realistic.

RK: Actually, it is. It's just too generic to be believable. I have standards, man!

SPARKY: It sounds to me like you need a little break.

RK: I can't have a little break. I have to come up with some kind of adventure I could really use.

SPARKY: Well, how long have you been trying to come up with something?

RK: About two hours.

SPARKY: Okay, you're coming with me.

RK: Oh no, you don't, slappy. I've seen this before. You take me to a dark alley with a baseball bat covered in barbed wire and nobody will be able to hear my screams as you bludgeon me to death.

SPARKY: Why would you assume that?

RK: I don't know, I think I'm going insane.

SPARKY: Don't worry, RK. Me and the guys are going to help you find your muse. All you need is to have some fun. Besides, your birthday is coming up. You should be caring about yourself first before some paper.

RK: You know what? You're right. I'm going to make a wishlist of things I wanna do today.

SPARKY: That's the spirit. RK, my man, we are all going to pitch in and help you get those juices flowing.

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

WADE: Sparky, I don't think that's going to work out.

(The camera cuts to Sparky's living room. Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn are all sitting on the couch while Sparky is talking to them.)

SPARKY: Why not? It's RK. He's our best friend. And I'm pretty sure he would do the same for you in a heartbeat.

WADE: That's the problem. It's RK. You know he's going to take it overboard. And he can be so demanding sometimes.

JAYLYNN: He's got a point. Like last month when I hung up that portrait for him.

CUTAWAY GAG

(Jaylynn is on a chair in RK's living room hanging up a portrait of himself sitting on top of a boombox in black-and-white. RK is directing Jaylynn on where to place it.)

RK: Alright, a little to the left. No, maybe you could push it to the right. Wait, try the TV again. Perfect. You know what? Is this even a living room portrait? I wonder...

JAYLYNN: RK, I've moved and rearranged this portrait more than 35 mother(bleep)ing times in the last six minutes, make up your mind or I'm leaving.

RK: Jaylynn, you can't rush art. It has to be put in a place where it can have purpose. Like my room.

THREE MINUTES LATER

(The portrait is placed right on top of the wall where RK's computer is located.)

RK: Perfect. No, wait a minute, I'm starting to think blowing this picture up was a bad idea. Let's just take it back to the photo store, maybe I can get store credit.

JAYLYNN: (BLEEP)!

END OF CUTAWAY

BUSTER: I always thought that portrait was cute.

(Jaylynn raises her eyebrow at Buster)

SPARKY: Guys, this is important. RK's birthday is in less than three weeks and he can't even finish his essay. He really wants everything to go well.

WADE: It's a grade school assignment. All he needs to do is make up some uninspired, fantastical jibjab, plaster his name on it and he'll obtain a high mark. It's not rocket science.

BUSTER: You know, Sparky does have a point. I think RK really wants to make his paper mean something. What kind of great adventures has he gone on anyway?

JAYLYNN: So we're just going to ignore the last three years, right?

SPARKY: He said all of that stuff is too unrealistic.

WADE: So what are we going to help RK with?

SPARKY: We're going to treat him to a day of fun. He said he's going to make a list of things he wants us all to do today. And maybe at the end, he might find something he can use for his paper.

JAYLYNN: Well, I guess it can't kill me inside more than life already has. I'm in.

BUSTER: So am I?

WADE: Ah, what the hell, I'm in.

SPARKY: Yes, now we're cooking.

(At that moment, Bitch Clock runs past the kids while screaming)

BITCH CLOCK: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, THEY'RE COMING FOR ME!

(Bitch Clock runs out the door, and three Italian guys wielding knives run past the confused kids to chase after him)

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK is on his couch surrounded by the rest of Testicular Sound Express.)

RK: So you guys are going to help me with my birthday list?

SPARKY: Exactly.

WADE: Wait, what birthday list?

RK: Didn't Sparky tell you? I made a list of cool stuff I want to do before my birthday.

WADE: You didn't tell us that.

SPARKY: He didn't say anything about his birthday.

RK: Well, haven't I been a Miscommunication Marshall today? (chuckles)

(with a confused look) JAYLYNN: What?

BUSTER: Well, let's see the list.

(RK gives the guys a small list)

JAYLYNN: Hmmmmm, sounds pretty straightforward.

WADE: We are NOT taking you to Mike Scully's house so you can slap him in the face.

RK: Ah, you're just not a dreamer. Let's just start at #1.

SCENE 4

Biff & Happy's Candy Shop

Interior Display Area

Seattle, Washington

(The kids are all surrounding RK as he takes out a bunch of Twizzlers from a large jar.)

JAYLYNN: What are you doing, RK? There are witnesses here.

RK: What? Well, remember how when I was little, I hated Twizzlers?

JAYLYNN: I wasn't here for that.

RK: I wasn't asking you.

BUSTER: I remember that.

SPARKY: So why do you have so many?

RK: The first thing on my list is to try Twizzlers again. Maybe if I eat them now, they'll taste differently and I can buy them.

WADE: This is literally one of the things you want to do before you turn ten?

RK: Hey, this is the big 1-0. The one-single bagel. I have to accept the fact that I'm getting older and these Twizzlers are going to be a reflection of that.

(RK soon takes a bite. The next thing we see is a black screen with the words "Two Hours Later" in white lettering. RK is pissed off and sitting on his couch with Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn just staring at him.)

RK: I hate all of you.

SPARKY: What the hell did we do? You're the one who ate seven Twizzlers in a row! And you hated all of them!

RK: I thought that if I ate enough, I would get used to the taste.

WADE: You vomited on the very first one.

RK: You know, it's really easy to point out my flaws but we still have other things to do on this list.

JAYLYNN: Hey, that could be your great adventure. The time I went to the hospital and got my stomach pumped.

(Jaylynn chuckles and RK gives her a disgusted look)

JAYLYNN: I'm just going to stand over there by the stairs. (Jaylynn walks over to the staircase) Yeah.

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

(RK is standing on top of the roof with a confident smile. The others are just staring up at him as they are on his front lawn.)

SPARKY: RK, get down! You're going to hurt yourself!

RK: Sparky, I'm 100% aware of what I'm doing.

WADE: I think it's more like 49%.

JAYLYNN: RK, people can't fly, it's impossible!

RK: Jaylynn, you cynical little girl. Anything is possible as long as you believe in yourself. All I have to...HEY, GET OFF THE GRASS!

(The kids nervously move off the lawn.)

RK: All I have to do is believe I can fly, and I can fly!

BUSTER: Jaylynn, I think we should catch him so he doesn't die.

JAYLYNN: Good thinking.

(Buster and Jaylynn move to the area where RK will most likely land and extend their hands)

JAYLYNN: Come on, do it, chump!

SPARKY: RK, you're going to kill yourself!

RK: Well, in the end, some people have to die for their causes, Sparky.

WADE: THERE'S NO CAUSE HERE, YOU...(Wade lets out a big sigh) You know what? I'm tired of seeing if this shit makes sense or not.

RK: HERE WE GO! I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!

("I Believe" by Yolanda Adams playing in the background)

(RK dives off the roof, extends his arms and starts flying around the house, much to everyone's shock)

SPARKY: Holy...

BUSTER: Dude.

(with an exaggerated Jamaican accent) JAYLYNN: WHAT THE (BLEEP) DOES THIS BUMBACLOT THINK HE DOING?!

RK: YES! YO, ANNA, I DID IT! I'M THE NEW KANYE WEST, HAHA!

WADE: I have to point this out. If you can fly now, then how do you stop? By magic fairies and pixie dust?

(RK suddenly loses the ability to fly and lands directly on Wade, crushing him)

WADE: AAAAAAAAGH, DAMMIT!

(RK gets off Wade immediately)

RK: Sorry, Wade.

WADE: It's OK.

BUSTER: Do you want some soda?

WADE: It's OK.

JAYLYNN: How much do you hurt?

WADE: I said, it's OK!

SPARKY: Wade, that was a pretty nasty fall, you should...

WADE: GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, I SAID I'M (BLEEP)ING OKAY!

BUSTER: Wade, a follow-up question: Do you have any Hubba Bubba?

(Wade gives Buster a look of disgust)

SCENE 6

("Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock playing in the background)

(Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn are continuing to help RK with his list of things he wants to do before his birthday. A montage is shown of these various activities, like RK wanting to touch his toes but his inability to, and Sparky and Buster bending him over until they all fall down. At the public pool, RK launches a stink bomb into the air and it lands in the water. The swimmers are disgusted and run away, eventually leading into the direction of Testicular Sound Express. When they realize they are not trampled for some unknown reason, the five stare at the camera confusingly. Other things involve playing ding dong ditch (where you ring the doorbell and run away before anyone can answer), and ding dong snitch (where you tell the police of criminal activity). The police approach Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn, and proceed to beat them with nightsticks. Buster and RK rush to the scene, but they are pummeled with the sticks as well. Wade tries to run away, but the cops pull him back in while he literally scratches and claws on the ground.)

SCENE 7

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(All five kids are sitting on the couch, looking tired. Buster has a bandage on both of his arms and on his forehead.)

JAYLYNN: Oh God, that was awful. I haven't been in this much pain since, since...shit, I don't know what to do or say anymore.

RK: Well, thank you guys for helping me out with my list. I think I know what I'm going to write about now: My adventures today with my best friends.

(There is an awkward silence in the room while RK's list falls on the floor. Everyone starts gagging and making fake vomiting sounds after RK's sentence.)

WADE: Dude, what show do you think this is, Girl Meets World?

RK: I'm sorry, that was so not me, I got emotional, I don't know.

JAYLYNN: Hey, look at that. There's something on the back of the list.

BUSTER: NO MORE BEE SANCTUARIES! NO MORE BEE SANCTUARIES!

JAYLYNN: No, it's actually something we don't need to help RK with at all.

SPARKY: Cool, you put a "One to Grow On" thing on your list.

BUSTER: RK, I know you like to make references, but I don't think anybody's going to remember that.

SPARKY: No, since RK's turning ten, he put one more thing on his list. You know, to look towards the future for next year.

BUSTER: Oh, I get it. RK, that's pretty gangsta.

WADE: Buster, don't you remember? You did the same thing for your birthday.

BUSTER: I'm going to have to take your word for it, I've been so busy lately with the house.

RK: It's a cross-country trip with Anna. I figure when I'm young and other people pay me to do nothing, I could take advantage of it.

WADE: When would you go with her?

RK: I have no idea. Maybe by the end of the month. But I have to hurry up and start planning. Just thinking about the trip is so freaking hot.

JAYLYNN: OK, no more E.L. James novels for you.

RK: Hey, maybe you guys could join me!

(Wade has a thought bubble appear above his head that shows the cops attacking him with sticks.)

WADE: Yeah, I would love to, but I have to clean up the garage that day.

RK: I never told you what day it was.

WADE: Well, whatever day you leave, I'll clean it. I want it to tie in with what you're doing.

RK: Asshole. What about you guys?

SPARKY: It's more of a romantic thing for you, I wouldn't feel comfortable.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm actually very jealous of what you have.

BUSTER: I have dialysis.

(long pause; RK looks annoyed beyond belief)

RK: Get out of my house.

SCENE 8

(RK is out on the town with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants walking around. He gets increasingly annoyed with the many people walking around him that he tries pushing some of them away.)

RANDOM GUY: Hey, kid, don't make me beat your ass!

RK: DON'T MAKE ME BEAT YOURS! DO SOMETHIN'! I don't know, Tuxy, I still have nothing to write about. If this keeps up, I'm going to flunk out of school, start washing dishes at California Pizza Kitchen, and eventually work my way up to "That will be $4.98 plus tax." Wait a minute, the tax is implied, nobody ever says that. Ugh, why do I care so much about this paper anyway? I mean, usually, I just weasel my way out of these things.

CUTAWAY GAG

(In Mrs. Bernstein's English class, the words "Oral Report" are on the whiteboard with dry erase marker and RK is fumbling around with his blank sheet of paper.)

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Ryan, how about we hear your oral report?

RK: Yeah, sure, of course.

(RK walks up to the front of the class and flashes his blank paper)

RK: This paper is blank. An oral report could be on this paper, but it's not. You see, you kids always want to know about another kid's homework. Like a bunch of Fruity Pebble punks. Back in my day, a kid got a 35 on his history final and everybody congratulated him because he lowered the bar for the rest of them. Kids like you are destroying America's educational system. So you know what? You don't GET no satisfaction and hear my oral report. My report is just like this paper...nothing. Hey, you notice how your mom could change any word in the dictionary into a verb? Like, you could ask her for a cookie and she'll be like...(puts up his left hand with an exaggerated expression)..."Ooh! You want some milk with that?!"

(The kids are open-mouthed and dumbfounded.)

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Zero.

(under his breath) RK: Damn.

END OF CUTAWAY

RK: A few minutes after that, I realized I screwed up the punchline.

(approaching RK from behind) ANJA: RK, why are you talking to your cat in public?

RK: Why are you sneaking up behind me in public? I have the authority to put a hole in your chest now.

ANJA: RK, you...no. And I wasn't sneaking up behind you, I was going to the retirement home.

RK: Retirement home? You mean, that place where old people go to die?

ANJA: They don't go to die there, and they're lots of fun.

RK: He, she, me, Sammy Sosa, we're just wasting time arguing about this.

(Anja groans)

ANJA: I'm going to go now if you want to sneak up behind me as payback.

RK: No, that's cool. Actually, I'm a little interested in this retirement home. Why are you going there anyway? (Mrs. Tuxedo Pants follows RK, who is following Anja)

ANJA: I volunteer there every week. Plus, I'm in luck today. Lynne is kinda pissed off.

RK: About what?

ANJA: She's going through that "I'm not a little kid anymore, get off my ass" phase. Which is weird because she's so cute when she's yelling at me.

RK: Remind me never to come to your house...ever.

ANJA: Ah, don't be a baby, it's not that bad. Still, I don't want to kill her so I'm coming here a little early. And the elderly people are so sweet. They really enjoy people showing up and volunteering.

RK: So, they decide they're better off with a ten-year-old girl?

ANJA: I know we don't talk like that, but is that your thing? To make snarky comments?

RK: No, that's Wade's thing, but he's home.

ANJA: Oh. Well, we're here.

(RK, Anja, and Mrs. Tuxedo Pants walk into the retirement home and stop at the front desk. RK observes his surroundings as he runs his hand through his hair.)

RK: Wow, it's just like the doctor's office. Except there's no crappy Disney movie playing on the TV.

FRONT DESK LADY: Hello, Ms. Saleh. Wonderful to see you again.

ANJA: Right back at ya, Mrs. Halberstadt. How's the applesauce supply because, uh...Greg was complaining about that last week.

MRS. HALBERSTADT: We made sure to stock up since then.

ANJA: Awesome. If you didn't, it would have been so on with Greg today.

(Anja leaves the front desk and RK follows, but Mrs. Halberstadt notices it.)

MRS. HALBERSTADT: Excuse me, young man, are you a visitor?

RK: No, my grandparents retired to Florida and never looked back.

MRS. HALBERSTADT: Well, are you a volunteer?

RK: No, I can't start working for no paper until I'm in high school.

MRS. HALBERSTADT: Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

(in his head) RK: Son of a bitch. I wanted to see the old guys. Maybe I could use that for my paper. I got the perfect plan. (aloud) Actually, Mrs. Halberstadt, I forgot to mention earlier that I'm delivering the donuts.

MRS. HALBERSTADT: The donuts?

RK: Yeah, the donuts...that were sent...to this address.

MRS. HALBERSTADT: Then where are they?

RK: They should be here in an hour or probably never. My coworker was a real bitch, didn't want to travel in the same car so I'm the messenger boy. Don't you hate it when your work is marginalized like that?

MRS. HALBERSTADT: Um, yeah. What's your name?

RK: My name? Yeah, that's Pete (through slightly open eyes)...Chickadee...Maganella.

MRS. HALBERSTADT: Pete Chickadee Maganella?

RK: Yeah, it reflects my white and Hispanic heritage but I don't like to talk about it so thank you so much for putting me in that situation. Alright, time to meet the oldies.

(RK leaves the front desk and works his way through some of the old folk in the lobby to get to the hallway.)

RK: Hmmmm, I wonder.

(RK peeks his head through one of the doors and sees Asil feeding Greg applesauce)

GREG: It's not apple cinnamon sauce.

ANJA: Yeah, but it's still applesauce at the end of the day.

GREG: Apple cinnamon is my usual preference.

ANJA: Greg, if I'm going to continue to be your volunteer, you have to learn to compromise.

RK: OK, not going to deal with that. Room two.

(RK peeks in the second room, which is an old white woman with her much older male volunteer)

OLD LADY: I did it again today, Claude.

CLAUDE: Ah, don't worry, Ms. Williams, I'll take care of that.

RK: Ewwwww. Third time's the charm?

(RK peeks in the third room on the left side of the hallway and sees an old black man alone by himself)

OLD MAN: AGH, DAMMIT! This remote is running out of battery! I can't complain about these millennial shows with low battery! This is ridiculous. I'm too old for this shit! WHO'S HERE TO PAMPER ME AND WIPE MEEEEEEEEEE?!

RK: I can't do that, but sir, I have to say you are hysterical.

OLD MAN: You're not even laughing.

RK: It takes time for the humor to set in for me. Hi, I'm RK.

OLD MAN: I'm Harold. My grandsons put me in this hellhole because I "needed treatment." What do they know about treatment? Shoot. They weren't alive during the Civil Rights days when they were sicking those dogs on us, but I was. I learned a lot, and now I'm more mature and richer for the experience. (Harold tries pressing more buttons on the remote control, to no avail) THIS MOTHER(BLEEP)ING REMOTE-AH! This retirement home is lucky that President Obama is not here to see this. Otherwise, we would get more CNN coverage than Michael Jackson.

RK: Let me see if I can find some batteries in these drawers. Lord knows how insane a man can go without TV.

HAROLD: He does, doesn't he?

RK: Sure he does. I talk to him all the time about TV. (RK finds some AA batteries in the drawer) Ha, we beat the system! (RK opens the pack of batteries and takes the remote control with him)

HAROLD: Nice move, RK. Hey, you ever seen Moesha?

RK: Oh yeah, THAT show?

HAROLD: What do you mean, that show? Children like you need to respect your elders of TV.

RK: Oh, we all know that show lost it after we found out Frank was the OG Tiger Woods.

(Harold cackles)

HAROLD: You know, you might have a point. But still, I used to like shows like that. Now, I barely know if I'm coming or going when I use this remote. RK, when you're older, you'll know life sucks.

RK: Oh, don't worry. I already do. (RK gives Harold the remote with replaced batteries) Here you go.

HAROLD: Thanks, little man.

RK: So, where's your nurse or assistant or handler or whatever the hell you call these people here?

HAROLD: Like hell if I know. Shoot, these blockheads barely even know how to treat an old man like me. I never asked to be here in the first place. At the end of the day, I'm just sitting here waiting to meet my own mortality.

RK: Hmmmm, interesting. So, you would say your life was more exciting at one point?

HAROLD: Well, I was no Billy Dee Williams, but I had adventures. Great adventures. Hundreds of beds with massive dents and broken champagne bottles. Hoo! Every night was a different nationality. Talk about expanding your horizons.

(feeling uncomfortable) RK: Um, okayyyyy.

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK is talking to Sparky while watching TV.)

SPARKY: Cool! So you talked to that Harold guy for how long?

RK: Almost an hour and a half. Then Anja left and I didn't want to look like a trespasser so I left with her. After that, Anja and I had some awkward conversation for about 20 minutes and when I came to her house, Lynne didn't even say hi to me. I don't know what Jaylynn sees in her, really.

SPARKY: I thought you two were friends now.

RK: At this point, it's a grey area. But still, that Harold guy. We have so much in common. We both love TV, we both want to go back in time and never come back, and we both know how to score with the ladies. He was such a man whore back in the day. That's the kind of hero a kid needs today.

SPARKY: So are you going to meet up with him tomorrow?

RK: Hell yeah. I finally have something I can do to take my mind off my paper.

(RK gets a phone call at that moment; His ringtone is "Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J)

RK: Hello?

MRS. HALBERSTADT: You lied to me about the donuts, didn't you?

(RK looks confused and then hangs up)

SCENE 10

St. Joseph's Nursing Home

Interior Harold's Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Harold are laughing up a storm, which draws Asil's attention)

ANJA: Guys, could you keep it down? Some of the old folks here are complaining.

RK: Eh, shut up, Anja.

HAROLD: Yeah, shut up, Anja.

(moving in closer to the two) ANJA: Excuse me?

RK: I mean, um...Anja, keep up the good work, you be shutting it DOWN.

HAROLD: Yeah, I'm too old to die today.

ANJA: Mm-hmmm. Thank you.

(Anja leaves at that moment)

RK: Man, can you believe that? Everybody wants to get rid of our fun. No wonder kids my age are having sex.

HAROLD: Boy, I hear you. Sometimes, I look back and remember what it was like to be a little man again. Oh yes, that was some kind of life. I remember my one homeboy Ezail always smoked crack and paid for it by doing the wrong thing. One day, this guy named Deebo got the worst ass-whooping I've ever seen in my life. And this Ezail comes in here and steals his shoes after the fact. Shame.

RK: Harold, I'm pretty sure that was Friday.

HAROLD: Was it? That was years ago, I don't remember shit. Like I can't even remember what these idiots serve me for dinner.

RK: I thought that was because you had Alzheimer's like every other old person.

HAROLD: RK, do you take special medication?

RK: When I was five, my parents thought I needed Ritalin if that answers your question.

HAROLD: The reason why I can't remember what they serve me is because the food here is shit. They think a burger is releasing themselves on the grass, seasoning it with the grass still on it, and passing it off as food. But shit is still shit, even if you season the shit. Man, I really wish I could ditch this place for one night. Enjoy a home-cooked meal like I used to. But those days are over.

RK: Maybe not.

HAROLD: Boy, what you talking about?

RK: I'm talking about busting you out of here and inviting you to mi casa for some grub tonight. My friends are coming too.

HAROLD: I don't know. I never tried leaving this place for anything. I thought it was jail.

RK: Well, how long have you been here?

HAROLD: About a year.

RK: A year?! Oh no, we're getting you some air tonight. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

(RK goes up to Mrs. Halberstadt with Harold)

RK: Mrs. Halberstadt, Harold wants to get out of this place for the night.

MRS. HALBERSTADT: That could work, but he would have to come back by the end of the night. And we would need your signature for certification.

HAROLD: RK, I don't know about this. I mean, it's not like it's going to be Mister Rogers' Neighborhood out there.

RK: Don't worry, Harold, this is going to be fun. I want you to experience the outside world you thought you would never see again. And nothing is going to go wrong.

(The next shot we see is of Harold, presumably unconscious, being loaded onto an ambulance by EMTs while on a stretcher. RK looks traumatized as he sits on his front porch when Sparky walks up to him.)

RK: I just fed him one pork chop.

SPARKY: You didn't know it was his weakness?

RK: HE NEVER TOLD ME!

("Big Time Theme Song" by Big Time Rush plays in the background as the camera does a close-up of EMTs struggling to get Harold inside the ambulance, then of RK looking close to tears as he witnesses the whole thing.)

SCENE 11

University of Washington Medical Center

Interior Waiting Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK is pacing around the room nervously, not knowing how to handle his current situation. Sparky and Jaylynn remain staring at him while Buster and Wade are on their phones.)

SPARKY: RK, come on, it wasn't your fault.

RK: Of course it was. Harold could die tonight and it will be on me because I had to be an idiot and give him pork chops knowing he could get a heart attack.

JAYLYNN: But you didn't know. Look, RK, I've been in your shoes before and I know how painful it is not to feel guilty. But you have to remember that you didn't do anything wrong. You shouldn't let anybody tell you it's your fault, not even you.

RK: But it's just that I finally had somebody to talk to about the same stuff I liked. It took my mind off my paper and I got to meet a really interesting guy at the same time. I just can't believe he might be gone.

BUSTER: RK, I get your problem 100% so I am fully prepared to deliver an address at Harold's funeral if necessary. I wrote it down twenty minutes ago, tell me what you think of it. (clears throat and reads from his iPhone) "Dear Lord, we ask you to give your darling Harold forgiveness. It was not his fault that he fell victim to the most sinful of meats. And if the angels sing, let them know that everywhere you look, there's a heart and a hand to hold onto. The monkeys shall dance, and the lions shall lay down with the kid. Guns are a deadly force."

RK: Um...I like the artistic direction?

BUSTER: That means a lot, RK.

WADE: You know, RK, medically speaking, I find it very unlikely that one pork chop would kill Harold. And like you said, he hadn't eaten them in more than a year anyway.

SPARKY: Dude, I'm telling you, the heart attack was probably just a result of the excitement he got from actually being outside.

RK: If you say so. But it doesn't matter to me. I put Harold in this hospital with my cooking, so until he gets better, I'm not leaving at all.

JAYLYNN: RK, you can't be serious. What about your paper you were bugging about?

RK: I can take the zero, my grades aren't worth jack shit to me except for math. And my friend needs me.

WADE: So you're literally just going to house yourself in this medical facility over something that wasn't even your fault?

RK: I guess so. I'll see you guys on the other side whenever I see Harold getting healthier. But until then, nobody's getting rid of me.

11 HOURS LATER

(running out of the hospital) RK: HE WOKE UP! HE WOKE UP, HAROLD IS OKAY! Ewwww, pudding on my shoe! Pudding on my shoe, pudding on my SHOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEE! (RK ends up crash landing onto an incoming biker)

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: He finally woke up? That's awesome!

BUSTER: So now everything's back to normal, we could end the story, yay.

(checking his watch) WADE: Nope, I think there's still some time left, I'd imagine.

JAYLYNN: So RK, are you going to invite Harold to your birthday party?

RK: I don't know, it could be weird having an old geezer come to a birthday party for little kids. Remember how much trouble I got in last Halloween for that?

CUTAWAY GAG

RK is leading a bunch of younger kids to a house on Halloween night. He is dressed like John Swartzwelder, a longtime writer on The Simpsons.

RK: Alright, the best houses to hit are the ones that have multiple levels because sometimes, they throw in some wicked cash with your candy.

(a siren is heard with a bunch of flashing lights)

RK: Shit, it's the cops! Quick, look white!

(The police car pulls up where RK and the kids are standing)

POLICEMAN: Sir, we have been receiving hundreds of complaints all night about a grown man playing around with children and helping them score candy. Do you know anything about this?

(long pause)

RK: No.

POLICEMAN: Then why are you dressed like that?

RK: Oh, look at you and your intentionally misleading questions.

POLICEMAN: Yeah, but sir, you...

RK: HEY, LOOK, ANTHONY PELLICANO!

(RK runs away at that very moment, and the policemen immediately try chasing after him)

SCENE 13

St. Joseph's Nursing Home

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

(RK walks into the home and immediately heads for Harold's room. He sees the man packing.)

HAROLD: Well, if it isn't little RK? The guy who almost killed me with a pork chop.

(RK starts getting worried again)

HAROLD: Boy, I'm joking. Could you hand me that lotion?

RK: Um, sure. You going on vacation?

HAROLD: Close. I'm leaving this hellhole.

RK: WHAT?! WHY?!

HAROLD: RK, being in the hospital made me realize that I've been spending too much time waiting for something good in my life to happen. I mean, how many years do I have left anyway? If I'm going to sit here and complain about society, I'm going to be happy doing it.

RK: So where are you going to go anyway?

HAROLD: I submitted my request for a transfer and I'm getting it. There's this one down in San Diego, just for me. It's got everything this shack doesn't, and I've seen the babes that work there. Hoo! We're turning back the clock. It's too bad though. Their sports teams have always been trash.

RK: I can't believe this. I get a cool new friend and now he's just leaving. After I bathed you and molded you into who you are today.

HAROLD: Uh...yeah.

RK: Harold, you can't do this. What's going to happen to our friendship?

HAROLD: RK, could I tell you something?

RK: I don't know. Sounds like you're going to tell me a story.

HAROLD: I am so be prepared. RK, if it wasn't for you, I would have never had the courage to step outside and realize what I was missing out on. All that time spent moaning about my current situation when I could have changed it all along. I barely even knew who I was anymore in this place. But thanks to you, I get a fresh start and I don't have to see these annoying, smelly mother(bleep)ers ever again.

RK: Well, I'm glad you get to have more adventures. So are you ever going to come back and visit?

HAROLD: Well, I mean, the retirement home there is so nice and everything, visiting seems like a hassle.

RK: Yeah, but it's not really that hard, is it?

HAROLD: Home is where the heart is, you know what I mean? Seattle's burned me out for a while.

RK: Alright, Harold. Well, it's been great getting to know you.

HAROLD: Same here, kid. And you know what? I got something for you. So you can keep your little baby doll on lock that you've been telling me about. (Harold pulls out a gold chain from his bag) A-ha! Here you go.

RK: A chain?

HAROLD: Not just any chain, boy. This is my lucky chain. I used to wear it all the time whenever I was feeling good. I remember meeting one of my future wives at a Zapp concert with this chain.

RK: Who the hell is Zapp?

(long pause)

HAROLD: See, that's why you need this chain.

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky and Buster are walking to lunch together)

BUSTER: And you're sure you haven't seen RK today?

SPARKY: Yeah, I'm sure. You don't think he's still hung up about Harold moving to California, do you?

BUSTER: I don't know, is he?

SPARKY: I don't actually know, that's why I'm asking you.

BUSTER: I wouldn't know for sure. Wasn't he crying about it last night?

SPARKY: I think he was. I don't understand this. All these mood swings. What's going on with the boy?

BUSTER: He's becoming a woman. It's the only way.

SPARKY: Buster, periods don't work like that and anyway, he would be too young to get one.

BUSTER: Hey, don't let modern science trick you into thinking certain things are impossible. The jury's still out on Pluto.

(Wade and Jaylynn walk up to the boys)

WADE: Hey guys, do you know where my best friend would happen to be?

JAYLYNN: You don't have to say it like that.

SPARKY: We have no idea. He might be at home thinking about Harold.

BUSTER: Something weird is going on with that kid. You know what we really need?

JAYLYNN: Cup holders?

(Everyone gives Jaylynn a weird stare)

JAYLYNN: Sorry, it's just that if Buster's talking and RK's not here, there has to be a set-up man.

BUSTER: I mean, we need a specialist. You know, like the Kardashians get whenever one of them misbehave.

SPARKY: You know, that could actually work. Hey, what about Anna? If we can't get through to RK, she certainly can.

WADE: She sure could. I'm going to make a call.

SCENE 15

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK is on the couch in his underwear and red-eyed, watching TV)

VOICEOVER: It's the Japanese Chopping Sword! Made by real Japan people! Chop anything, anytime, anywhere! YOU COULD CHOP ANYTHING! You could chop your balls in the shower!

VOICEOVER #2: But what if I've already been circumcised?

VOICEOVER: What?!

(Anna walks in at that very moment)

RK: Agh? Is that Bailey Quarters drawing me into the light?

ANNA: RK, what the hell's going on with you? You're not talking to your friends, you're not talking to me. I don't get it.

RK: Look, I've been doing the things and the other stuff and I'm tired.

ANNA: RK, talk to me. What's going on?

RK: I don't want to talk about it.

ANNA: RK, I'm your girlfriend, I'm going to get it out of you.

RK: No, you won't.

ANNA: Yes, I will.

RK: No, you won't.

ANNA: YES, I WILL!

RK: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, YOU WIN! MY LIFE SUCKS, OKAY?! MY LIFE SUCKS!

ANNA: What are you talking about?

RK: I feel like I'm constantly stuck and I'm just doing the same, repetitive garbage every day like some kind of zoo animal with nothing to live for. The one time I finally have something to look forward to, it slips out of my hands. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I look forward to nothing, including my own birthday, I can't write that damn paper and now Harold's gone. I have nothing left.

ANNA: You have me.

RK: I...I do, don't I?

ANNA: Yeah, you do. RK, you're not the first person in the world to think your life is going nowhere. Sometimes, I feel like everything is useless and the world is out to get me and it hurts me to death just thinking about it.

RK: How do you get rid of that feeling?

ANNA: I can't just get rid of it, but I don't let it interfere with my life. I remember all the great things I have around me, and those are the things that keep me waking up every morning ready to take on the world.

RK: Like...strong water pressure in the shower?

ANNA: No, RK, real great things. I have a nice house, an incredible best friend, a moderately satisfying school, a great city to live in...and the most amazing boyfriend I could ask for. Plus, people on the street tell me I have pretty good hair.

RK: Yeah, that's true. You know what, Anna? Maybe you're right. I've been so depressed over all the horrible things in my life that I never really focus on everything I've done well. I don't know. Maybe sometimes, it's not too bad to enjoy what you have.

ANNA: Exactly.

RK: I don't think I've said this in a while, but I love you and if there's one thing I don't want to change, it's this relationship right here.

ANNA: Awwwww, RK. I love you too.

(The two hug and then kiss)

RK: You know what? I think I have a paper to write.

SCENE 17

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(voiceover while typing on the computer) RK: "Do you ever feel a period of stagnation? Do you ever feel like your life is going nowhere and you can never look forward to anything? You're probably like me. My greatest adventures are the kinds of things you would never believe. I went to New York City, Vegas, Canada, the Super Bowl twice. I once had a famous shoe, a #1 Billboard hit, and went back in time. I patched a hole in the time-space continuum and almost died. With all these great things I've done in the past, none of it seems to matter because I always had to keep going on my next cool adventure. Almost as if there's a wall that's preventing me from acknowledging how remarkable these things are. My greatest adventure doesn't really exist. It's just whatever comes next. I'm grateful for my friends because they encourage these incredible adventures. I'm grateful for my girlfriend because I always have someone to talk about these adventures with. And I'm grateful for the fact that I actually have time to think about all this. You know, in life, everything feels accelerated and it's like you never have time to slow down and think about what you have to look forward to or enjoy. But you have to give yourself time to reflect on these things. I don't know what the future holds for me or my friends or my girlfriend or my brother, but I'm not going to think about it anymore. It's time to start living for today like I used to. My greatest adventure is somewhere out there, and I'm going to find it. That's what life is about."

SCENE 18

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(The five kids are all watching TV, bored. There is an awkward pause for a few seconds until Sparky nervously stares at the camera.)

SPARKY: So, RK, how did you do on your paper?

RK: I got a B-plus, I already told you that.

SPARKY: Yeah, but...I forgot.

RK: Sparky, you're starting to creep me out.

SPARKY: Screw you!

JAYLYNN: So RK, are you ready for your birthday party?

RK: I am, Jaylynn. I am. I'll try to act surprised later tonight. I tried practicing in the mirror, but I just ended up looking like Gene Simmons.

WADE: Nope, you and all of your compatriots are going out for dinner tonight. We're going to eat like royalty, haha.

RK: Oh! I have the perfect thing to wear tonight.

(RK pulls out the gold chain that Harold gave him and dons it)

SPARKY: D...don't wear that shit in public.

RK: Why not?

BUSTER: Because you look stupid.

RK: No, I don't, I look cool.

JAYLYNN: Take it off, man.

WADE: How physically unattractive.

RK: I'M WEARING THE CHAIN IN HAROLD'S HONOR, IT'S MY (BLEEP)ING BIRTHDAY, END OF DISCUSSION!

(long pause; everybody is frightened except for Buster)

BUSTER: I'm thinking about eating my pizza starting at the crust, how about it?

(black screen)

(at Levi's Stadium for WrestleMania XXXI) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("You're Da Man" by Nas playing in the background)

©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

IN LOVING MEMORY OF SAM SIMON

JUNE 6, 1955 - MARCH 8, 2015