~This is Renesmee's thoughts on the events in Breaking Dawn, starting when Alice and Jasper leave. I typed this up on my phone to pass the time during a very long car ride. It's a bit different than anything else I've written (drabble-y like), but I liked it, so I decided to share it. Hope you like it, too. Reviews would be lovely. :]
.:Don't Die For Me:.
I wake up, and Jake is hovering. Momma and Daddy are missing; so is the rest of my family. They were all here when I fell asleep. I sit up and place my hand on Jake's warm cheek, asking him where they went. I tell by his face that there is more going on than just a random hunting trip; he looks the same as when Momma was allowed to meet me for the first time as a vampire, so I sense something is wrong. But all he says is, "Out to find Alice."
OoOoOoO
I like to be informed of things. I like to know what's going on. I want him to tell me everything, so I ask, "Why?"
"She ran off with Jasper."
"Why?"
"She needed to think."
"Why?"
I keep asking 'why?', and finally Jake tells me we are all in trouble.
OoOoOoO
I wait and wait and wait, but nobody comes home. My stomach feels funny and I do not know why. Jake says he's nervous, too.
OoOoOoO
Grandpa Carlisle is the first I spot, so he's the first I hug. I show him I was worried; he tells me everything will be fine. Grandpa Carlisle knows a lot — 'intelligent' is the word. What Grandpa says, goes.
So why doesn't anybody else look like they believe him this time?
OoOoOoO
Grandma Esme says there is a lot of "ground to cover". I do not know what it means, but I know they are leaving — Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie Rose and Uncle Emmett. They plan as they pack, and I sit on Jake's lap, only able to stay out of their way, because I know whatever they are doing is greatly important.
Still, as I watch them, I wish they will not leave. There should always be ten people in this house, no less.
OoOoOoO
I am happy when Daddy and Momma come through the door, but when Daddy speaks, he doesn't sound happy at all.
"We're to stay here?" he asks, and Grandpa explains. I don't know why Daddy wants to leave. Maybe he wants to help them. Maybe he doesn't want to sit and wait. Maybe he likes when the family is together, just like me.
But Grandpa and Grandma hug me tightly; Uncle Emmett ruffles my hair; Auntie Rose blows me a kiss. Daddy wishes them good luck, and Grandpa says we'll all need it. Then there are only four of us.
OoOoOoO
I wonder if Grandpa's friends will all come. Jake says he hopes so, that we're outnumbered. I show him I want to help, but he says 'no', we have to stay here.
"People are coming to see you, not the scenery."
Me? I guess I already knew that. I heard Grandpa Carlisle say something about that, but I still don't understand exactly. Maybe whatever is happening, whoever is coming, it is because of me. It has to be something I did, or else why would everyone keep talking about me?
OoOoOoO
Nobody's talking to me.
Daddy and Jake discuss options, while Momma wanders away. I follow Momma and I touch her face when she holds me. All I can show her is everybody I love: her and Daddy, Jacob, Auntie Rose, Grandma Esme, Grandpa Carlisle, Auntie Alice, Uncle Jasper, Uncle Emmett, Seth and Leah, Grandpa Charlie, Sue, and Billy... Then I show her again, and again, because they are all I can think of. I want them all to stay happy and be okay.
Then my tummy clenches and I stop on Auntie Alice and Uncle Jasper. Everybody said goodbye — except them. Everybody packed — except them (and Auntie Alice always packs). Where did they go?
Momma doesn't have an answer for me. "But she's Alice. She's doing the right thing, like always."
A few seconds later, Momma cries.
OoOoOoO
It's going to be okay. I am going to be fine. Momma is gonna find me a way through this.
That's what Momma tells me. I think she is trying to comfort me.
I guess she doesn't know it's not me I'm worried about.
OoOoOoO
The sun goes down, and my dreams are not very nice. First Auntie Alice disappears, followed by Momma. Uncle Emmett leaves next, then Uncle Jasper. One-by-one, my family leaves and I can't find them again, and new, strange people take their place — all they do is watch me, too. It makes me nervous again. It makes me scared. I want my family back. I miss them, and I want to cry again, with Momma, just like before, but she is not here. Everybody has left. Why has everyone left?
Frantic to find somebody, my eyes snap open.
Daddy isn't looking at me, but he is here, petting my hair as he holds me in his safe arms. He comforts me. Daddy always knows when I have bad dreams.
OoOoOoO
I eat breakfast with Jake. He eats more than I do, because the food smells funny to me. Even so, Momma says there is no time for a hunt. Some vampire called Tanya is coming with her coven. Daddy says they are our cousins. Cousins are like family. If they are our family, why is everybody nervous?
I realize it is because of me again.
OoOoOoO
I try to show Momma that I am afraid about meeting Tanya's coven, but I do not seem to know what to show her, so I do what I rarely do: I speak out loud.
My voice comes out quietly. "What if they don't like me?"
"Of course they'll-" Jake starts to say, but he stops. Jake is always positive. Maybe he's not sure this time.
I frown.
"They don't understand you, Renesmee," Momma says, "because they've never met anyone like you. Getting them to understand is the problem."
They don't understand me? What is there to understand?
They've never met anyone like you...
Suddenly, I get it. I have never met anyone like me, either. I sigh, seeing my vampire family with my human family, next to my wolf friends. Nobody is like me; I don't match. Something about me is wrong then.
"You're special, that's not a bad thing."
I shake my head at Momma, because I know she is just trying to make me feel better. I see that if I only fit in with everyone else, this would not be so hard, we would not be worried, our family would still be together.
"This is my fault," I say.
Momma, Daddy, and Jake all disagree at the same time, but I can't believe them.
Jake looks like he is about to add more, but then we hear tires move from pavement to dirt. A car heads to our home. It is going fast. A vampire has to be driving, and I know it is Tanya.
I do not feel ready, so I hide against Momma's hair.
OoOoOoO
I feel self-conscious. They smell my scent, they hear my heart, and they don't know what to call me.
I am too different. They won't like me.
My fear becomes real when Momma carries me out to meet them face-to-face. Scary sounds slip from their lips, their feet move so fast I can't see them and they brace themselves as far away from me as possible without leaving completely.
I want to hide again.
OoOoOoO
Daddy convinces them to stay, to listen, to understand, because I need to be understood. He tells why I am so unique: vampire and human relationships don't tend to work out, and Momma was human when I was born...
Until today, I don't think I ever felt different from everybody else... I get why I am special now, though. I get why I do not fit in.
I do not know if I like being different.
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The vampire named Carmen does not look afraid like the others, but she is careful as she comes closer. She is the first to speak to me; she tells me I have my mother's eyes, but my father's face, and then I am slightly happier because she smiles at me.
I smile back, excited. Smiling must mean she likes me. It just must. And I want to show her the truth. And she lets me.
OoOoOoO
Eleazar is next, then Tanya, and lastly Kate; I place my little hands on their cool cheeks and I show them my story. My cousins believe what I show them, and they are no longer afraid of me. Carmen even holds me and I am happy to show her more memories.
Our cousins seem to like me. I like them, too.
Maybe this means being me really isn't so bad.
OoOoOoO
Luck, I guess, is on our side after all, for I do not think there is an end to the number of friends my family has sent. Vampires come from all over the world, until the whole house is filled. Some will not let me touch them, even if I didn't do anything wrong, even if their friends tell them it is okay. The ones who won't be my friend do not hurt my feelings anymore; when Grandma Esme returned, she told me people are sometimes afraid of things they don't understand and it will just take some time.
They are also afraid of the ones called Volturi.
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Everyone is afraid of the Volturi. I already knew it, but now Momma and Daddy tell me all about them, then they regret it because I have nightmares again.
I am a child, but I am not dumb; I know the things I dream the Volturi do are more than just my imagination. If things do not work out the way my family is hoping, then my nightmares will be real.
It is not fair.
OoOoOoO
I learn a lot of things are not fair, even if you try really hard to fix it.
Growing so fast that Grandpa Carlisle and Auntie Rose measure me multiple times every single day... That's not fair.
Momma getting angry at Cousin Kate and not letting me help her grow her shield even though I really want to... That's not fair, either.
Daddy not being able to turn off his mind-reading, so nobody plays games with him... Well, that's only not fair for Daddy.
But the worst is my family and friends declaring that they will fight, having to choose to risk their lives all because of me. That most definitely cannot be fair.
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When the rain turns to snow, Daddy and Grandpa Carlisle stay for two days in the field Auntie Alice had seen in her vision of the Volturi, while Momma and me — not wanting to stay away from Daddy — set up a tent a few yards away. Jake stays, too; he keeps the tent warm when the snow falls.
When I wake up the next morning, white is covering the ground, and Daddy announces that Auntie Alice's vision is complete. I miss Auntie Alice. I miss Uncle Jasper. I wish they were here, but I also am glad they are not; if they were, they might die too.
Nobody should be dying. Not for me.
OoOoOoO
Momma makes sure we are alone, just the two of us inside the tent. She gives me a backpack, though she does not tell me what is inside it. I think maybe Momma has a second plan or something like it... But then why is her face so sad?
"I love you," she says. Her tone does not make me feel better — it makes everything worse.
Even though I am kinda wary, I still tell her I love her too, while touching the pretty gold heart locket she gave me as my very first Christmas present; it holds a picture of us with Daddy. I close my fingers around it tightly, holding it to my chest, next to my heart, not ever wanting to let it go. "We'll always be together," I promise.
I don't know why, but my words make Momma even sadder.
"In our hearts we'll always be together. But when the time comes today..."
My heart begins to flutter faster.
"...you have to leave me."
OoOoOoO
Why? Why does Momma want me to leave if nobody else is leaving with me? Maybe she is keeping her promise to keep me safe. Momma must not believe the Volturi will listen. She tells me I am to run away with Jake the first chance I get. I'm to do everything I can to get away when the fighting starts, like fighting and death can't be avoided when up against these royal vampires, like there is nothing left to do except run and run and run, as fast and as far away as possible.
I guess Momma knows better than I do... and if it will make her happy, I know I have to follow her instructions, even if thinking about leaving her and Daddy and everybody makes my heart hurt.
Can there really be no hope?
Daddy must hear my thought, because as Momma comes out of the tent, me hanging onto her neck, he turns with stronger eyes than Momma, walks over to us and wraps us up in his arms. I don't think he means to, but Daddy gives me a little bit of faith back.
OoOoOoO
All my family gathers around, and I feel another rise of hope. A lot of friends are here, and now the werewolves, too. Maybe the Volturi will stop and listen. They won't want to attack everybody, right? It is only me and my family who are in trouble, so they will stop when they see we are not alone. That will make them get to understand me.
Then, I see them. They are quick, and graceful, and dark. They remind me of shadows gliding along the snowy floor, except there is no sunshine, and I can't see a lot of their faces. And my hopes do not rise any more. Where there are a lot of us, there are a lot more of them, and I do not think they plan to stop.
OoOoOoO
Jake makes a breathy noise and all my wolves come out of the trees to stand around my vampires. At first, I am afraid for my wolf friends; they will be attacked because they brought attention to themselves and I was told the Volturi do not like werewolves. I don't want my wolves to be lost. They should have stayed far away from here. Why did them and Jake have to protect me, too?
But then I am surprised.
The Volturi must not see a lot of werewolves anymore, because they finally stop.
OoOoOoO
I guess what they won't stop doing is blaming my family, though.
The Volturi do not want to listen, and neither do the ones Daddy said are their witnesses. They only want to destroy, then to take — to take Daddy and Momma and anybody with special gifts, just like Cousin Eleazar had said. And if Daddy and Momma and the others do not join the scary vampires, they will fight, and they will lose. And I will lose, because I will lose them.
My heart beats faster as one of the Volturi starts to speak.
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My daddy gets called forward. Grandpa needs reassuring.
My daddy marches across the field alone. Grandma does not like it.
The scary vampires smile when my daddy is closer to them and farther from us. Momma gets mad; I get scared.
Don't die, Daddy. Don't die for me.
OoOoOoO
Daddy is okay. Mr. Aro does not want to hurt him, or me, or our family, or our friends. That's what Mr. Aro tells me. But then the lady named Maggie is angry; maybe Mr. Aro is lying.
OoOoOoO
Irina is one of our cousins. She is the one me, Momma, and Jake saw that day when we were hunting, when our family had been complete and we were all happy together. She is the one who informed the Volturi I was an Immortal Child, which Auntie Rose explained to me was a bad thing. I do not know Irina very well, not like I know her sisters — cousins Tanya and Kate — but she admits she was wrong about me, about my family, and she says she is sorry. She seems nice, brave, and she really did not mean to hurt anyone, I don't think...
But then Mr. Aro's brother — the one with the white hair — holds something I don't recognize in his hand, and it happens so fast...
I never see Cousin Irina again.
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I feel sad and afraid and confused.
Sad for Tanya and Kate, and Irina, who is now gone — gone forever.
Afraid for everyone around me who could end up in fire, too.
Confused because people should not be so mean, so quick to kill for themselves, and Cousin Irina did not do anything wrong.
More than before, I do not like these Volturi shadows or the old ones that lead them. I haven't been around a long time, I know, but everyone I've met are friendly, caring, and even if they do not like something, they try to be kind and listen, or they just go away and leave my family alone. Mr. Aro and his brothers are not like anybody I've met. They are the opposite.
I plea nobody else will get hurt.
I hope nobody else will be so scarily torn apart, while leaving people who love them behind.
I wish nobody else will die just because I exist.
But I guess this is why everyone was so afraid in the first place. The Volturi are dangerous.
OoOoOoO
Am I dangerous?
Mr. Aro says I am, or that something about me is. He says, "Only the known is safe. Only the known is tolerable. The unknown is...a vulnerability." And nobody knows anything about what I am; I am an unknown.
Grandma Esme was right; people are afraid of what they do not understand, even if it could turn out to be something good. And I am good. I don't hurt anybody. What I am is a mystery... but is who I am one, too?
Maybe the only thing dangerous is Mr. Aro's lies.
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Mr. Aro has a lot of lies. He says stuff about me that I don't like. He is making people angry at me, about stuff that I can't prove are not true...because I am not sure myself. But I just know Mr. Aro isn't being fair!
Our friend Garrett does not appreciate unfairness, I think, for he has a lot to say about Mr. Aro and the rest of the Volturi. I like Garrett; he is good at making people understand.
OoOoOoO
All my friends who have spoken, who have tried their very best to help, who have even made others see that I am no threat... None of them can stop Mr. Aro and his brothers from claiming my family has done something wrong, and we are left to wait.
The three Volturi leaders council with each other, probably discussing, not that this was a misunderstanding like all my friends have tried to say, but how to get what they want out of this. It is a creepy scene that is made much worse when Momma loosens my arms from around her neck, giving me that same sad look as before. This must be it — this is the point that is most important, and even though we are innocent, Momma has no faith, no assurances. She tells me to remember the plan, that I am to run off with Jake and leave my family behind.
I am crying when I whisper that I love her.
"I love you, too. More than my own life." She kisses my forehead, then tells Jake what he is to do — what we are to do. He and Daddy are both shocked, but, although I want them to, neither try to stop the plan. They agree with Momma, then.
When I reach for Daddy, he hugs me so tight I almost think he won't let go. I hope he won't; but then he does, and tears are running down my face again.
Next thing I know, I am on Jake's back. I dig my fingers into his fur, trying not to listen to all the goodbyes in the air. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want anybody to. I don't want to hear them. All I can do is think: Don't die. Don't die. Not for me. I love you all too much, so please...
But amidst all their talking, I feel invisible, like I've already gone and not even Daddy can hear me anymore.
OoOoOoO
Somebody must have heard me.
Because, although the Volturi Guard begin to attack, nothing happens.
Daddy says they are trying, yet nothing is working. I do not see anything. I do not feel anything. It doesn't look like anybody else does, either, and I think some of the Guard is getting mad.
When Momma's shield blocks out the almost-invisible mist that one of the shadows must make, something light grows in my tummy. Momma's shield is big and strong and covers our friends and family like an invincible dome, and everyone thinks it's amazing. I knew she could be good at her gift. I always believed in Momma, even if Momma didn't believe in herself.
So maybe I can believe in other things, too. That's why the feeling in my tummy is hope.
And then, while Mr. Aro is about to make the final vote, the decision that might surely hurt my whole family, Daddy interrupts and he sounds like he just discovered the greatest news.
He did.
I sit up straight when Daddy announces that I am not one-of-a-kind. That means, suddenly, somehow, he knows I am not the only half-human, half-vampire kid. That means I fit in somewhere. That means there is nothing wrong with me. That means nobody has to fight for me. Right?
Yes!
Because then Daddy says the best words of all:
"Why don't you join us, Alice?"
To me, it doesn't matter how unexpected it is, it doesn't matter where she has been all this time; all I can think is that Auntie Alice is coming! I hear her before I see her, and when I do see her, I have to hold onto Jake's fur tighter so I do not tackle her to the floor in a bear hug only Uncle Emmett could match — I know it is not the right time to do that. It is even harder to stay put when Uncle Jasper appears right behind her, like always. I almost want to giggle happily, but I settle with a small smile.
They are back!
I want to believe this is a good sign. It has to be. I mean, my family is complete again, and Daddy seems confident, and... well, Auntie Alice and Uncle Jasper seem to have brought their own friends, which even I can instantly realize why.
OoOoOoO
The boy named Nahuel is just like me. Well, his skin is a much darker shade, his hair is black, and he is definitely not a kid; but his heart beat is naturally super fast and his scent has the same mixture as mine. The lady Huilen — Nahuel's aunt — tells her story, and Nahuel finishes it, and Mr. Aro has no more reason to be wary of me, of what I will become, because finally we have proof that I am not ever going to be a "vulnerability".
Mr. Aro decides it is time to go home.
OoOoOoO
Clapping and cheering are everywhere around me, but all I can concentrate on is Momma and Daddy as they squeeze me to their chests even harder than when they were saying goodbye. We don't have to say goodbye anymore.
"I get to stay with you," I demand, making sure they know, too.
"Forever," Momma says. Her eyes are brighter, happier, filled with hope again. And Daddy agrees with her, promising me eternity, too.
I peek out at everyone else — Grandpa Carlisle and Grandma Esme, Auntie Rose and Uncle Emmett, Auntie Alice and Uncle Jasper, Jake and Seth, and the other wolves, and all our great friends. Nobody is in danger anymore. Nobody has to say goodbye. Everyone can be safe and happy again. I never smiled so much or so big, ever. I don't want to stop. Daddy says I don't have to. So I keep smiling.
Forever.