**~Unless you plan on changing the E to an A I am not Stephenie~**

A/N: Thank fkn you to everyone who will read this Crackfic on Steroids.

It's my first attempt so don't kill me (ya hear?)

It's all thanks to the snarky bitch who is muh sistah and the AMA-ZA-ZING that is Dandiegoose!

Have fun?

Emmett POV

God I love sex.

Sex with Rosie is great but after seventy something years… A man just needs a little change.

Not saying Rosalie isn't a good lay… I mean, fuck, the woman knows how to make a vampire need rest after a couple rounds. And, to think, my shit is supposed to just keep going.

Thank fucking god I have brothers to talk to about this…

Well, I have to actually talk to Jasper; I can just make Eduardo 'hear' about it.

I know Jasper and Alice are into some kinky fuckery. So of course I asked him if there was anything he could think of. And without fucking fail, Alice just knows what we're up to. She pops into the "man den," as we like to call it, to tell us about a site called urbandictionary (dot) com.

Now, why in the fuck we actually listened to her, I don't fucking know. But there was Eddie-boy pulling the site up on the projector screen so Jazz and I didn't have to get off of the fucktastically comfortable couch.

"Hey, Edbitch, look up 'superman that ho.'" I have ALWAYS wanted to see what other people think of that ridiculous phrase. I mean what the fuck Soulja Boy? And seriously, why in the fuck is your name Soulja Boy? Did your parents not take pity on your ass and get you hooked-on-phonics?

Eddie-boy reads out loud, "When you cum on a girl's back and then stick the sheets to her, so when she wakes up in the morning she has a cape."

I start guffawing because not only is this funny to me but mood boy sitting next to me is chorkling so damn hard he can't control his emotions.

"Hey Virgin Eddie, why don't you look up 'donkey punch', I'm sure Bella will appreciate that as much as Rose did."

Of course I'm fucking with the kid. What? You think I've never been on the internet? I'm the fucktabulous one of the freaking adopt-a-family; I keep up with the times. I wasn't the most popular kid in high school for the past sixty years for no reason. Fuck, being a jock AND being able to joke around (not to mention being muscular enough that no one screws with me) has its advantages, and I fully accept them.

Being the fucking boring twat he is Ed responds by telling me that he needs no help in the love department, especially from me.

Pffffffft, like that boy knows a cunt from a clit.

So I loudly think that donkey punching is when you're fucking doggy style, about to cum, and you smack the chick in the back of the head so her shit tightens even more.

Then, I tell Ed to look up 'love custard', and think at him that it's soooooo worth looking up.

When I hear Ed the man-child pipe up with a 'WHAT THE HELL, EMMETT', I can't fucking believe this guy is married. Poor fucking Bella… If Rose wouldn't kick my ass for it, I'd show that girl a good time.

I see a stapler fly by my head. I guess Eddie isn't too worked up over baby gravy to not hear my thoughts. Oops.

So, of course, you can't look up love custard without seeing what a jam donut is. And of course because I am thinking about this, Whimpward doesn't want to look it up. But two against one (Jazz hates that the Prissy Pants can read his fucking thoughts) so I see the definition for jam donut pop up.

I start reading it out loud before Crybaby can even finish mentally reading it: 'Sexual act involving blood and semen. Shortly before creaming a girl in the face, you land a hard right hook straight in the kisser, preferably breaking her nasal bone in the process. The ensuing geyser of blood makes an ideal accompaniment for your love custard. For best results, make sure to use your hand to mix both together until an even, jam donut-like consistency is attained.'

What? Rosie likes it rough!

Once we're done cackling at Whimpy like a pair of delusional nuts, Jazz finally decides to contribute to this absurd search.

"Queerward, do me a favor and look up Tony Danza, so Emmett here will have new material. Then, we can quit this shit and start playing Cowboys and Indians."

(.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.)

"Rosie, wanna go at it like rabbits? I wanna play with my favorite pussy." I know- fucking vulgar thing to say, but I know what my lady likes. This is why I can't wait to try out the new move I learned.

My sex kitten is going to be giving me head nonstop to make up for what's going to be the best sex we've ever had.

Of course her fine ass is running past me, up the stairs and getting undressed before I even finish my sentence. I knew there was a fucking reason I wanted to spend my eternal life with this bitch.

I'm glad we've been together so damn long though because I don't have to do the pansy shit anymore. I know her buttons and I know what order to push them in order to have her ready for my monster cock.

Don't cock your fucking eyebrow and think I'm talking up the size of my cock. It's fucking huge.

When I was human, I had this bitch, Bebe. I swear only reason I fit in her muffbox was because she was the fucking town bicycle. When I call her that, I mean EVERYBODY got a fucking ride - boys, men, grandpas, virgins, and even the women who turned into lezbos because they couldn't get a fucking man.

Come to think of it, I'm damn fucking lucky Rosie doesn't know about that. She thinks this sausage, and when I say sausage I don't mean those puny little breakfast sausage links but a-man-would-feel-uncomfortable-at-the-deli-counter type of sausage, has been solely hers.

So when I get inside the doorway, I see her propped up on the bed, with her hair flipped over to one side covering one eye. She's supporting her upper body with her forearms while her legs are spread wide with her ass up in the air- just offering itself to me. Yep, her ass- which I had mentally been calling Tanya since I read that story about a manny- don't look at me like that. Yes, I read fan fiction, especially by this chick who claims to be an old ass virgin. I liked the name and Rosie doesn't like role-play so I gotta get my kicks somewhere, know what I mean?

So anyway, Rosie's sitting there wiggling Tanya at me like she's just ready to fucking take it. Even though she's pretty unbreakable, I don't like just ramming into her. She complains for hours afterward, learned that the hard way.

I walk up slowly (read: half vampire speed) while taking my clothes off and lean against the bed just staring at her.

I wonder if I should use my tongue or fingers first?

Without touching any other part of her body, I start tracing her cunt flaps and brush my knuckle against her tiny pebble of a clit; within seconds she's moaning at all different volumes. I quickly push my pointer middle and ring fingers in to get her ready for me (I told you I wasn't fucking kidding about my cock. Get that little 'o' of surprise off your face, fucktards.) and lean forward to flick my tongue on her clit- insta-mother fuckin-explosion. She loves it when I do it at an angle.

I'm fucking telling you- wanna get a chick all hot and bothered in no time? Lay at a 90 degree angle and flick her clit- she'll come undone in 5 seconds flat.

Her legs are shaking so bad she almost collapses from her big O and that's when I know she is ready to experience what will be the best sex we've ever had.

So I get my cock in line, grip her hips to keep Tanya from lowering and ram my kielbasa into her tight i-just-orgasmed-amazingly pussy and start going to town. Pumping harder, I start to feel her tighten up and I know that I have no more than a minute after her orgasm until I'll blow my own load.

I get geared up and ready to show her my new favorite move. Just as she's nearing the tip of her O iceberg I ask her "Who's the boss?" At first she doesn't respond, then I hear her barely whisper, "You are, Baby," in between her moans as she starts cumming so I smack her ass her and tell her "Tony Danza is the boss, bitch, show the man some respect," Which completely throws her. She starts to come back from the edge of the iceberg, so I turn up the heat, pumping harder and at more of an angle to get her right back to where I need her.

When she's starting to tighten I ask her again, "Who's the boss, Baby," to which she breathily responds "Tony Danza," -kinda makes me wonder if she's been looking shit up on the UD. I complete my new move by donkey punching her which causes her to tighten up like Fort Knox and I just fuckin lose it. When I finally roll off of her, she crawls over and straddles me then starts playing with my nipples.

I think I'm about to get some praise and the promise of amazing head- except that's not what she does. Instead, I get the worst double purple nurple in the history of titty twisters before she says "Damn it, Emmett! I thought I told you not to go on Urban Dictionary anymore!"

When she finally releases my poor abused nipples, (that bitch used all her fuckin strength) I say the first thing that pops into my head, "C'mon Rosie... I'm a fuckin vampire... it's not like I can give you the Cleveland steamer!"

Trying the Tony Danza was the worst mistake of my life, but hella awesome emotional baggage to use on Jizzper next time I see him. I bet Twatward was in on this shit too. Fuckin brothers, who in the fuck wants them?

A/N: Thanks for taking a ride on the crazy train. No offense to anyone regarding the snide remarks on Eddie Boy… I do love him.

You can blame Minna Koda for this little piece of crackfic shit, and thank your lucky stars that Dandiegoose had time to read over it!

I mean I know I'm a grammar freak and all…

But writing as Emmett? Pffffffft

I also want you all to know that I FUCKIN LOVE VIRGY! (that little bit was just cuz- no harm intended just plain unadultered secksy-time lovin')

I hope you all enjoyed the little crackpot that is my brain.

To all my h00rs: thanks in advance for the reviews *eyebrow wiggles*

Much Lubs- Mz_B