This is just something that's been replaying in my head since I watched Doubt. I really couldn't resist.
I'm not sure how long this will be.
I did make a wallpaper type thing to go with it. I will post a link on my profile for those who want it. It can also be found on my livejournal page (FF_Addict_555)
Disclaimer- I own nothing sadly, other than the twisted ideas from my mind
Rated-M
Summary- Sister James and Sister Aloysius have become closer over the past few months. What happens when Sister James starts to feel things that she shouldn't? Sister James/ Sister Aloysius.
Sister Sarah James gazes up from her spot perched in the snow at a vulnerable Sister Aloysius Beauvier. Tears stain the older woman's face and Sarah feels her heart melting at the sight of the icy woman so broken. In this moment she knows exactly what the emotions she has had pent up since she first met Sister Aloysius are, but why they are there she is still not sure. All Sarah wants to do is keep Sister Aloysius happy and safe. She does not want to see crocodile tears in the other woman's eyes. She wants to make her feel loved.
Her hand remains in the warm clasp of Sister Aloysius' and she is surprised by how much she likes the touch of this older woman, yet now that she can identify these feelings she is not nearly as taken aback by the fact that she is enjoying this. She shouldn't be enjoying this should she? The woman in front of her is being beaten down by her doubts. Doubts which replaced the certainty that Sister Aloysius felt when she confronted Father Flynn. When she made him leave this school. For the children's safety? Or for her own? That knowledge is held only by the older woman herself.
Normally quiet Sarah feels a surge of courage as she says, "Let's get you inside." It wasn't a question, and the older, usually commanding woman nods in response. This makes Sarah worry even more, because Aloysius' demeanor is so different from its usual state. What will happen to the older woman? Will her actions eat her alive until there is nothing left but a skeleton of her former self? Sarah will not let this happen. She will help Sister Aloysius in every way she possibly can, that is, if the woman will let her.
They stand and begin to make their way inside. Sarah refuses to let go of Sister Aloysius' hand as the woman tries to remove it from Sarah's."People will see," she sternly whispers. However the impression of fear she usually instills in Sarah is not present due to the older woman's swollen red eyes, and the lost expression haunting them.
"It's Christmas break Sister, there will be no one in the halls. Half of the Sisters have left to visit their families for the holidays." Sarah suppresses her smile when she feels Sister Aloysius' hand relaxing in her own. One of the hands that she has spent hours subtly examining. Admiring their strong yet soft appearance. It's not as if she can admire much else about Sister Aloysius' body since it is always covered. With the exception of Sister Aloysius' beautiful face.
Sarah allows Sister Aloysius to take the lead as they get nearer to the dormitories. She has never seen the woman come out of, or enter her living quarters for Sister Aloysius is always the first one up and the last one to bed. It is admirable in a way; however her schedule causes Sarah some concern due to the fact that Sister Aloysius does not seem to realize when her body can no longer take any more.
She can sense the older woman shaking beside her as they enter the room. It is the same as the rest of the Sisters', a bed, dresser, and personal bathroom, but lacks the personal touches that are often seen in other rooms. Sister James guides Sister Aloysius to the bed and without words instructs her to sit. The silence between them is deafening and heavy with unsaid thoughts and emotions. The younger woman busies herself draping a blanket over Sister Aloysius' shoulders and turning on the light.
When her eyes finally rest upon Sister Aloysius once again, she discovers a wave of tears flowing freely from the woman's eyes. No longer bound by her surroundings or the presence of Sarah to stay composed; Sister Aloysius' face is less guarded as she finally allows her grief to show.
Sarah believed that the sight before her in the courtyard was heartbreaking, but nothing could prepare her for this. She hurries over to the Sister and does not hesitate this time to take the woman's hand knowing that her comfort will not be rejected. Butterflies appear in Sarah's stomach as she decides to sit next to Sister Aloysius on the bed and wrap her free arm around the older woman.
Sister Aloysius stiffens at her touch and Sarah thinks that the older woman will pull away. She is surprised when Sister Aloysius does not make a move to leave the embrace. Her body remains slightly tenser than before, but for reasons unknown to Sarah, Sister Aloysius allows Sarah to keep her arm around the hurting woman. Sarah holds Sister Aloysius closely putting all of her efforts into comforting the woman. Into giving her strength. Still she does not speak afraid of what her words might do.
She notes that Sister Aloysius' free hand is still wrapped tightly around one of her many crosses. Sarah does not let go of Sister Aloysius as her shaking begins to still and her breathing returns to normal. The older Sister raises a shaky hand and wipes away her tears with a single finger. The younger woman is disappointed when Sister Aloysius removes herself from the embrace, but Sarah does not protest the other woman's movements. She is still uncertain of what a wise move is and what is not. All Sarah knows is that something is swelling and threatening to burst inside of her as she watches the older woman. She knows she shouldn't feel this way. She knows it is wrong, but she can't help it. If it is against her own will is it really wrong?
Feeling comfortable enough by now in Sister Aloysius' company she loosens the strings on her hood. As Sarah removes both coverings a shock of long, wavy, red hair is revealed. She shakes her head a few times and runs her fingers through the silky locks to calm them. Sarah does this under the sharp observation of Sister Aloysius and feels rather shy about it. Her mind soon kicks in and she realizes how ridiculous it is to be self-conscious about showing you hair in private.
Her clear blue eyes lock with Sister Aloysius' stormy blue ones and she shrugs. "Do you mind?" She asks tentatively knowing that she should considering who she is in the presence of.
"No." Sister Aloysius looks away and Sarah realizes she has never seen the older woman's hair before. It's odd, she thinks, to have known someone for such a long amount of time yet not know the simple things about them such as hair color. "You said, Sister James, that most of the Sisters left for vacation," Sister Aloysius states, "but you were just at home. Why come back here when the school and parish are so empty?"
Sarah looks over at the woman who appears to be studying the floor intently. "Well Sister I suppose that I missed it here, and since I was no longer needed at home I thought I would return."
"To spend some quality time with me?" The older woman's lips curve into a smirk. "I am the only Sister who has not left to visit family."
Sarah stands and moves over to the window. She remains with her back to Sister Aloysius. She is afraid of the repercussions of her next statement. "I do not mind spending time with you Sister Aloysius."
"You don't..."
Sarah rushes on despite the confusion in the other woman's voice. "If you wish over this vacation we could spend time together."
"If I wish...Sister James..."
"Please call me Sarah. There is no one else around."
"Very, very well. Sarah are you telling me you would like to spend time together?"
"Y...yes." Sarah suddenly has the suspicion that she has said the wrong thing. She gulps and wonders what will be next. Shock washes over her when all she hears is a quiet sigh. Taking a few deep breaths she turns around.
Her eyes land on Sister Aloysius just in time to watch her as she removes the article of clothing from her own head; allowing mused, dark blonde hair to cascade down around her shoulders. The redhead is left speechless at the sight. Sister Aloysius is breathtaking. She appears so much younger with her hair showing. Sarah cannot tear her eyes away from the older woman's piercing blue ones, shining from behind her glasses, defined cheekbones, chiseled nose, and creamy skin. Strands of silver can be detected in Sister Aloysius' hair if it is examined with a critical eye, but it all adds to her character. To her stunning beauty. Sarah does not know how she never noticed exactly how gorgeous the blonde is until this moment. She has always known that Sister Aloysius is beautiful, but the way the older woman looks now is something completely different.
Gazing at Sister Aloysius, Sarah thinks, this has to be why we are forced to cover ourselves from head to toe.
"What?" Sister Aloysius' voice breaks the silence. Sarah shakes her head to rid herself of the thoughts appropriate and inappropriate from her mind.
"Nothing." Sister Aloysius raises an unsatisfied eyebrow in her direction.
"Am I right to say that we have been very open with each other over the past few months?" Sarah nods; curious about where this conversation will lead. "Then why will you not tell me what is on your mind when I ask? You have just seen me..." She trails off apparently unable to finish.
Sarah gazes at Sister Aloysius knowing that she will be open with this woman despite her thoughts. Because Sister Aloysius is who she is and Sarah feels oddly comfortable around her, while everyone else cowers in fear of her. And because Sarah is afraid she, with the knowledge about herself she now contains, is falling in love with the woman sitting in front of her. Sarah returns to her position sitting beside Sister Aloysius on the bed. She shifts and locks eyes with the woman now patiently awaiting her answer. "Because I am afraid of what you will think of me."
"I see," the older woman says quietly. "If it is something that you are feeling you must confess, I am always open to confessions."
Sarah sends the Sister a small smile. This is Sister Aloysius' way of showing she cares. "I appreciate the gesture Sister, but it is not something of that nature." Or maybe it is.
"Then tell me Sarah. I promise to reserve my judgments." Sarah has to hold back a snort of disbelief. Sister Aloysius only knows how to be judgmental. She abides to the words of the Bible like no one else Sarah has ever known, and she strictly follows the old rules, not yet ready for change. So how can this be any different?
Sarah feels the words slipping from behind her lips before she can stop them, "I was thinking about how beautiful you are." She clamps her mouth shut, eyes going wide.
Sister Aloysius opens her mouth to speak and then shuts it as she reconsiders. Uncertainty is flashing across her face. "You were..."
Sarah turns away. "I shouldn't have said anything," she mumbles. "I should go."
As she stands a hand curls around her wrists preventing her from fleeing. "Stay." Sarah nods and sits back down leaving more space between the two of them than before. "You say this as..."
"A friend," the younger woman interjects. Once the words are out she realizes what she has said. This is better than her actual reasons and decides to keep that answer until she can sort through her mind.
"A...A friend?" Sister Aloysius appears puzzled by the concept.
"Yes, I would say that we have been through enough drama to be considered friends to some degree. That is if you want to be friends. I won't be offended if you don't..." Sarah's ramblings are cut off by a single glance at the woman perched beside her on the bed.
"Friends," the older woman nods and the corners of her lips curl. It is the closest thing to a real smile that Sarah has seen from her. "What now?"
Sarah shrugs, "We could talk."
"About what?"
"Anything." Both women look away. Both women realize they know almost nothing about each other. Sister Aloysius stands up and walks across the room to the dresser and turns the radio on top of it on. The news softly flows from it.
"I like listening to the news. Do you mind?" Sister Aloysius glances over her shoulder at Sarah.
She shakes her head, "No of course not. I like listening to the news too from time to time."
"It's good to keep up with events."
"Yes it is."
"When my husband was in the war..."
"Your husband..." Sarah's spirits lower. More proof that there is no chance of her feelings ever being returned. But what did she expect really? It is a sin to the world around them. Even to most that aren't Christian, loving someone of the same sex is a sin, and in the Bible it is condemned. What she is feeling, and suddenly wanting simply cannot happen because it is going against God's will, and Sarah will not do that. She will not anger the Lord, and she will not ask Sister Aloysius to commit sin for Sarah's own benefit. She cares about the woman too much to do that.
That care is the route of the problem.
"Yes, he died in Italy."
"I'm sorry." Sister Aloysius waves her hand in the air dismissing the fact.
"It happened many years ago. It feels like a lifetime ago." Sarah nods uncertain of what to say. "Well what I was going to say is, while he was in the war, I always listened to the news reports. I suppose it is a habit." She looks at Sarah. Waiting. Sarah is unsure of what exactly.
"I started listening to news reports when I fell in love with history. I was fascinated by the fact that what I was listening to at that moment would soon become history, and maybe I could be living through something big, be part of something important that would be recorded in history for people to learn about later on." Sarah shifts under Sister Aloysius' thoughtful gaze.
"You are very passionate Sarah," she glances at the expression of confusion on Sarah's face. "That is a good thing. It causes you stand up for what you believe in from time to time. Even against people that might frighten you." Sarah realizes that the woman standing next to the dresser is referring to when Sarah stood up to the Sister herself.
"Thank you. And for the record you no longer frighten me. Well most of the time."
"What a shame." Sarah smiles at the teasing expression that dances onto Sister Aloysius' face. The redhead realizes that what she is seeing at the moment is rare and she stores it to memory. Maybe they can have something special, even if it isn't the something special that Sarah deeply desires. She could always use a friend.
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Sarah walks the empty halls pondering her latest discovery. Her mind has again found ways to hinder her sleep and she knows sleep won't come until she pieces together the thoughts floating through her mind. She enjoyed the time she spent with Sister Aloysius yesterday. She enjoyed having a friend even if at some times it was awkward. She felt as if she was treading on uneven ground at points because the older woman is so unpredictable. Sister James was afraid that a single word could change the entire mood of the conversation. Or cause Sister Aloysius to shut down.
Now however she is concerned if Sister Aloysius still wants to be her friend, or if the older woman only agreed with Sarah because she was vulnerable at the time and needed someone then, and not now.
It has always been that way for Sarah. Even with her family. That is why she came back for the holidays, because her family was sick of her once her brother had recovered. She was there as a nurse and nothing more. That of course was not the only reason for her return. She did miss it here. She did miss Sister Aloysius though she didn't know why. Sarah is glad she came back. If she hadn't Sister Aloysius would have been crying on that bench alone. She probably would have sat there and frozen half to death before realizing she should probably go inside. If Sarah hadn't come back she would have never had the opportunity she did yesterday. For once she is glad for the way her family treats her.
The main occupant of Sarah's thoughts comes into view after turning the corner. Sister Aloysius is consumed in the newspaper in her hands. Sarah smiles at the focus upon the woman's face. As they pass Sarah hears, "Good Morning Sister James," Which easies some of her doubts. "Have you had breakfast yet?"
"No Sister Aloysius."
"You should join me. I am going down to the kitchen to pick something up and then I figured I would return to my room."
"As long as I am not bothering you Sister, I would like to join you."
"Of course you won't be bothering me. I wouldn't invite you if you were."
"Right." Sarah turns and walks next to Sister Aloysius. "I did not see you in church this morning Sister. I hope that all is well."
"I was in earlier than usual. To pray. You know one can always use prayer."
"That they can." Sarah wants to ask how the Sister is. She wants to ask small things, but has noticed in her time working here that Sister Aloysius does not often engage in small talk. It is not that the Sister is unfriendly per se; she just has her own way of doing things.
Lucky for Sarah, Sister Aloysius decides to start the conversation. "I've been meaning to go over the reading material for the eighth grade Sarah."
"Well time certainly can be hard to find Sister. Perhaps with the vacation you can get that done."
"That's what I was thinking. I was wondering if you would like to help me discard and select books? I figure having a new, young mind such as your own might be good for the school. Something about tolerance and my lack thereof."
Sarah looks over at the older woman and they lock eyes. She rolls her crystal blue ones. "Anyone can be tolerant Sister. It's only a matter of opening your mind."
"Against the Bible."
"No Sister, not at all! The Bible is about the love and acceptance of every individual. It has to do with a great deal more than tolerance. Tolerance is only where you begin."
"Really?" Sister Aloysius raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow at her.
"Yes Sister." Sarah can't help but remember that beautiful blonde hair streaked with subtle silver. Sarah wishes to see it again.
"I suppose Sarah that you can call Aloysius if you please, in privacy." Sarah smiles at the older woman causing Aloysius to smirk.
"You never smile," Sarah comments in quiet voice as they enter the kitchen. Placing her observation out in the open leaves Sarah vulnerable to backlash, but she knows she needs to trust the older woman not to use it against her. If they are to have a friendship there must be a certain level of trust. Some of that trust is already there in ways; however it only appears during moments of weakness.
"I guess I don't. Few things give me reason to smile."
"Maybe that can change." Aloysius stops in the middle of the hall and stares at Sarah with disbelief and wonder. Sarah halts, realizing the older woman is no longer moving, and slowly turns to face Aloysius.
"What? Did...did I say something wrong?"
"No, no. It's just...never mind." Sarah gazes at Aloysius with worry.
"Are you sure?"
"Not here. Not now."
"Pardon me?"
"It's nothing. Really. Let's, uh, go up to my room."
"Okay," Sarah says quietly. Reaching over she takes the older woman's plate for her. "Let me."
"Thank you."
"No problem," She sends Aloysius a kind smile. The Sister appears distracted and she visibly pales at Sarah's actions. She jerks her head in the way of the dormitories and briskly walks ahead. Sarah is left alone and in the dark about what just happened, and she feels horrible about whatever it is she did.
She enters Aloysius' quarters and the door is slammed shut behind her. Sarah spins around and come face to face with Sister Aloysius. Overwhelmed by the close proximity she takes a step back and hands Aloysius her plate.
"Why are you so kind?" Sarah stares at Aloysius blankly. She finds herself at a loss for words.
"What do you mean?"
"Why are you so nice to me?" Sarah still cannot seem to find the words. "Respect I can understand...but kindness..." Aloysius mumbles more to herself than anyone else.
"Why wouldn't I be Aloysius?"
"I...I..."
"We are friends. Friends are kind to each other..."
"I see. Yes of course...friends."
Sister James smiles at Aloysius again who appears to still be stuck upon the concept of friends. "Yes. Friends. You have other friends. I know that our relationship is odd..."
"Other friends..." Then it hits Sarah. She has never really seen Sister Aloysius spending time with other people. She has never heard her have a non-professional discussion with the other Sisters. Maybe the older woman is more isolated than Sarah assumed.
Cautiously she rests a hand on Aloysius' arm, and older woman's stormy blue eyes meet hers. Quietly Sarah says, "I don't have many friends. I'm really glad that you're my friend." She is hoping by revealing that she too does not have many friends Aloysius will feel comfortable admitting that she might be lacking in the social department too. Or at least she will feel better about what Sarah has just learned. Not everyone has a million friends. Truthfully it all depends on how the person classifies their acquaintances. Sister James wants to tell Sister Aloysius all of this, but chooses to remain silent instead.
"Yes, well, neither do I," Aloysius shyly admits before sitting on the bed and taking a bite of her food.
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Sister James rips herself from the novel she is reading as she hears her name called. The sound of Aloysius' voice causes her to smile, which she quickly suppresses. Gazing up her eyes catch Aloysius' and the older woman nods at her before coming to a stop in front of her. Bashfully Sarah uncurls her body from the sofa in one of the living rooms. She remembers the last time she was in this room with Sister Aloysius. She had been informing the Sister of what she saw regarding Father Flynn and Donald Miller. "Aloysius, please sit."
"No thank you Sarah. Do you have time to go over the reading material at the moment?" Sarah had forgotten about that. It has been two days since the older woman brought it up, but with the mention of it Sarah becomes just as excited by the prospect of spending time with Aloysius as she did then.
"Of course. Your office?"
Sister Aloysius nods and Sarah quickly stands and follows her.
As they enter the room sister James' nerves make themselves present in the bottom of her stomach. There is something about being in the principal's office that still gets to her. Especially when she is in the room with Aloysius.
"Pardon the mess. I've been meaning to…"
"No, no it's fine," Sarah replies softly. She clasps her hands together attempting to still all the emotions coursing through her. She watches as Sister Aloysius drags a chair around her desk. Just looking at the very little distance that will be between them once the younger woman takes a seat is doing strange things to her body.
Perhaps this is only because it has been so long since I have been close to somebody. Sister James ponders. She is so distracted she missed the thoughtful and contemplating gaze Sister Aloysius has rested upon her. That can't be it though because I never enjoyed the relationships I was in…why would I miss them? Maybe it has something to do with being close to Aloysius emotionally, well partially close, because I have never had that… Or maybe, a different part of her brain interjects, you've fallen in love with her. Sister James shakes her head not wanting to accept the truth. She knows this statement to be the truth, but she is praying that if she wishes hard enough for it not to be, it will no longer be the truth.
"Sarah?"
"Mmm?" Shifting her gaze electric blue eyes meet with cloudy ones. Sister Aloysius sends the younger woman a brief smile.
"Would you like to sit? Or do you prefer to stand amongst the clutter all day?"
"No of course not," Sarah's gentle voice floats though the air. She moves toward the older woman and takes a seat in the chair that Aloysius kindly moved for her.
The wooden piece of furniture is not the most comfortable but Sarah will not complain as long as she is spending time with the woman beside her.
Sarah watches as Sister Aloysius shuffles through the piles of paper on her desk. She pulls one out of the enormous stack and places it on the desk between them. Sister James allows her eyes to scan the list of reading material and realizes that she has not read many of the novels on there. The ones she has read are starred, which means they are ones the class is currently reading.
"I have to admit, I have not read many of these."
Sara shakes her head as she replies, "Nor have I."
"Hmmm," Sister Aloysius is quiet for a few minutes. "So what do you propose we do about that Sister?"
Sarah turns her head to meet Aloysius' gaze. She allows herself to gaze into those dark pools as she searches for a solution. "I suppose we could go to a bookstore."
Aloysius tilts her head slightly. "Go to a bookstore?"
"Yes," It has just dawned on Sara how close her face is to Aloysius'. If she leaned forward their lips would touch, but she never would. Having thoughts is one thing; acting on those thoughts is ten times worse. "We could purchase the books and then split the reading list in two. That way the reading will get done faster."
"I see," Sarah is rewarded by the curling of the edges of the older woman's lips. "Let's go then."
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Sarah holds the door of the bookstore open for Aloysius who nods to her. The older woman has a shawl wrapped tightly around her to protect her from the chill of the crisp winter air. Sarah opted not to wear one knowing the many layers of her uniform would be enough for her.
Sarah glances down at the list of books she copied down that she will be reading and searching for. She watches as Sister Aloysius moves away, her attention focused solely on the list in her hands.
Sighing, the redhead moves toward where her first book should be.
After fifteen minutes Sarah has one book left to find. Behind her she can hear giggling. Turning she watches with a small smile at the young couple holding hands and leaning into each other.
"You're not missing much," a quiet voice says into her ear. Sarah jumps in shock and looks at the owner of the voice.
"You scared me Aloysius," She replies her tone just as muted as the woman standing beside her. Silence falls over them as they both discreetly watch the couple for a few more seconds. Sarah turns her attention to Aloysius to find the woman's eyes already on her. The older woman raises an eyebrow at her, reminding Sarah of her earlier comment. "I know I'm not missing anything," Sarah whispers. "It's just…sometimes I feel like I am."
TBC...