So scared of breaking it
But you won't let it bend
And I wrote two hundred letters
I won't ever send
Sometimes these cuts are so much
Deeper than they seem
You'd rather cover up
I'd rather let them be
So let me be
And I'll set you free
I am in misery
There ain't nobody
Who can comfort me
Why won't you answer me?
The silence is slowly killing me
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
Now I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back
You say your faith is shaken
You may be mistaken
You keep me wide awake and
Waiting for the sun
I'm desperate and confused
So far away from you
I'm getting here
I don't care where I have to go
Why do you do what you do to me, yeah
Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah
Why do you do what you do to me yeah
Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah
Kurt was miserable.
As he walked to the actual Warbler's performance in the next room after their rather impromptu performance of "Misery," he let his mind go into overdrive about all the infuriating things about Blaine. Who did he think he was, anyway, completely interrupting all of those who were dutifully studying their asses off in order to keep up with Dalton's high demands? This week was busy enough with getting ready for Regional's and all the stress that comes with this time of the semester. The last thing anyone needed was having his focus broken by an obnoxiously confident soloist throwing the doors of the previously quiet commons area open and launching a handful of papers (most likely Blaine's own homework—could this kid get any more arrogant?) into the air. Kurt had begun disdainfully pushing papers off of his notebook and preparing to leave all productivity behind, when the person he both most wanted to see and most wanted to avoid had forced him to get up and do just that. Kurt had cursed the arm that had pulled him up and led him out of the room. Even though practice wasn't supposed to start for another ten minutes, he was obviously going to have put off studying until later that night.
And of course Blaine had a fabulous voice and the charisma and the experience, but him being the constant center of attention in every single number was becoming insufferable. Every song was the same with Blaine sassily taking the lead and all the other Warblers dancing and doo-wopping behind him. There were so many talented members in this group, but only one was ever showcased, and Blaine didn't exactly "shake things up" with his style much either. The familiar jealously had surged through Kurt as soon as Blaine had finished dragging him to that bench in the hallway. He had sat with what he hoped was a supportive, peppy face to hide his frustration with Blaine, once again, being totally okay with the fact that all other Warblers existed solely to be his backup singers. Sure, Kurt had desperately wanted a solo at Regional's and felt undervalued in the group, but this was a bigger issue, he told himself. The entire team was getting overlooked. This was not an ensemble. It was one increasingly predictable and repetitive soloist fueled by the suppression of an abundance of talent.
Kurt knew that was harsh, but, as the song went on he had grown increasingly irritated with Blaine. How long had he been getting every solo, anyway? How long had he had the entire club wrapped around his finger? Because honestly that was the truth. Even the senior officers basically went along with whatever he thought was best and they let him choose his own songs much of the time. Maybe Blaine didn't ask for all the attention and power at first, but at this point, he certainly wasn't fighting it. He seemed perfectly content for things to go the way they had always gone. Didn't he say himself, months ago when Kurt had first arrived, that Kurt was trying too hard and needed to be more part of the team? "Part of the team" had really just been code for "part of the back-up team." Kurt concluded that Blaine had no issues whatsoever with his role in the club or with the fact that Kurt was never going to get his chance to be in the spotlight.
Kurt stopped walking for a moment and sighed.
Who was he kidding? That last thought definitely wasn't true. As frustrating as it may have been that Kurt had been unsuccessful in getting a real solo and that Blaine interrupted his homework, those wasn't the real reasons that he was so upset. Being around Blaine under any circumstances was frustrating these days because Kurt was still hopelessly in love with him and any chance of them officially getting together seemed to lessen every day. Ever since the Valentine's Day incident in which Blaine explained that he wanted to remain friends for the time being, Kurt had been anxiously waiting for him to make a move or at least for them to have another conversation about it. Of course, things had gotten so messed up since then with Blaine kissing Rachel and then later trying to teach Kurt how to be sexy.
Something about these memories called Kurt's attention back to rehearsal and he felt that Blaine, who had been several yards behind him, was catching up, so Kurt began walking again. The last thing he needed at the moment was Blaine to come up to him in the few minutes left before the official rehearsal and inquire further about his opinions or demand to know what was really behind how incredibly upset Kurt was.
Kurt thought that he had made his feelings fairly clear when he explained that he thought Blaine was going to ask him out, but lately he was beginning to think that either the message didn't get across or that Blaine really only cared about him as a friend, because surely he would not have been behaving this way if he really loved Kurt but was only scared of losing his friendship. Could he truly have been surprised at Kurt's reaction to his date with Rachel if he had understood how Kurt felt? And could he really be as oblivious to try to have a sex talk with Kurt if he had truly comprehended how greatly Kurt was attracted to him? He blushed at the thought of that day in his bedroom. Some days Kurt thought he must have just dreamed that conversation they had ended with his comment about When Harry Met Sally. Why else would Blaine still be dragging him along without actually doing something to progress in their relationship?
Because, most of the time, it definitely seemed like they were in a relationship. Kurt had never spent this much time with anyone. Every since they had met when Kurt snuck into Dalton, they had been hanging out several times a week, getting coffee, going to shows, and eating dinner together on occasion. After Kurt transferred, their "not-dates" just became more frequent. They did "couple-y" things such as going to Finn's football game and hardly ever hung out in groups. And, while Blaine was quite a touchy-feely person, Kurt couldn't help but notice that Blaine was especially free with physical affections when it came to Kurt. From that first day when Blaine took Kurt's hand and lead him through the "short-cut" he felt this intense energy between them and it never left since. But maybe he was making it all up in his head, just like he had confessed to Mercedes and Rachel at their slumber party.
So by the time that Blaine burst into the room where Kurt was studying, he had almost resigned himself to a life of just-friendship with Blaine. And this thought made his entire body ache whenever Blaine walked into whatever room Kurt was occupying. He was constantly desperate for Blaine to be near him, and at the same time, he dreaded it because he knew that being around Blaine cost his heart. Talking to him, sitting next to him, eating with him, laughing with him, singing with him, even just looking at him—all of these things promised the most perfect bliss and perfect pain. Every touch, even the most miniscule, proved to be both exhilarating and tortuous.
This specific day, though, it seemed almost as though Blaine somehow knew about this and was intentionally driving him nutty. Singing a song about misery? What did Blaine know about that? It was as if Blaine was singing exactly what was in Kurt's mind and mocking him with it. Although Kurt was careful not to show it on his face, it nearly killed him when Blaine settled his head on Kurt's shoulder while singing "ain't nobody who can comfort me." Had Blaine been trying to torture him! He had to know what aiming his puppy dog eyes and his beautiful voice directly at Kurt were doing to him. And the thing that made Kurt want to cry the most was the fact that this was the one problem with which he felt like nobody could comfort him. Because Blaine was always the one comforting Kurt. Whatever it was—whether Kurt was missing his friends or dealing with repercussions of Karofsky's actions toward him or even managing the occasional issue with his dad—Blaine was always just a call or text away and supported him like no one else could. Images flooded Kurt's brain: memories of resting his head on Blaine's shoulder, just basking in being held while he ranted or cried or some combination of the two.
Blaine couldn't comfort him in this situation though. And Kurt found himself desperately missing his best friend even though, technically, he was right beside him.
Later in the song it was almost as if Blaine was commenting on his own lack of initiative. Well, his silence certainly was killing Kurt and he wouldn't mind asking Blaine why he does what he does to him. Not to mention Blaine keeping Kurt awake at night and his feeling desperate and confused because, while he was physically around Blaine all the time, he still felt far away from him, like they could never get close enough while the whole truth was still hiding and Kurt was never sure how much he should say.
So when Blaine asked Kurt what he thought of the song, he told the most convenient and shallow part of the truth and left it at that. Because, for once in their relationship, he was not allowed to count on Blaine to half his misery by sharing it or to lean on his shoulder, talk it out, and feel refreshed. He knew he was just stuck in this limbo of uncertainty and heartache. And he sure as hell hoped that Blaine would make a move soon.
If nothing else, just to put him out of his misery.