Chapter 1: The Final Curtain
Chapter 1: The Final Curtain
Ben Matlock sat sipping his very dry martini. He normally didn't drink this time of day but this was an exception. Conrad had insisted Ben take a relaxing trip to Honolulu and before he could refuse Matlock was in Hawaii. If the moisture didn't get to Matlock the young people did. Surfer Dudes, Hula Girls, and Honeymooners; the damn kids, running, jumping, drowning in their own decadence; it made him want to puke. When HE was their age he never would have participated in such vulgarity. At least he was able to put a few of them behind bars. It was a good haul: 3 for graffiti, 2 for rape, and an endless army of fake ids. Unfortunately that business made him miss his plane and now he was forced to sail back on a god-forsaken, family-fun fest of a garbage barge, filled to the brim with goddamn family swine and there moronic piglets. Now Matlock sat in the karaoke bar listening to the same moron belt out Elvis tunes. Ben Matlock downed the rest of the drink and promptly ordered another.
From where he sat Matlock could se the whole torrid scene. The wanna-be greaser on the stage had to be going through some kind of mid-life crisis to act like that. He looked like Elvis as much as Matlock looked like David Hassel Hoff and his voice sounded like he was choking on some dead cats trying to gargle razor-blade milk-shakes. Dancing in front of him were the two ugliest little girls he'd ever seen. Each wore a disgusting hula outfit and what they called "dancing" was a sickening display of gyration that made Matlock throw up in his mouth. A couple of faggots sat cheering at the spectacle. One kept obsessively cleaning the table with a bottle of Windex and napkins in between cheers while the other kept cheering in the lamest impersonations of Popeye and
Bullwinkle. Off in the far corner there was some girl whore making out with some man whore and near them a black cat sat licking scotch off of a table that had yet to be bussed properly. Dirty tables AND stray animals! Damn this place had shitty service. Matlock made a mental note to complain to the captain as soon as the reached San Francisco.
Suddenly the doors exploded with a magical explosion that rocked the ether. Another teenage blonde stormed into the room, eyes glowing white, sparks flying from her fingertips. The pathetic fools began to scream and run for their lives. Tables were overturned, cutlery flew through the air, and one of the girls from before was trampled under foot by patrons including the aged greaser. Matlock did not even look up from his drink. The witch who started the commotion arched her neck towards the two lovers now hiding under a table-cloth and let loose a siren's yell.
"Harvey! You cheating piece of shit!"
Glass showered on the patrons, broken by the horrid screech. The man-whore in the corner pulled away from his strumpet. Icy fear glazed over his face.
"Sabrina! What are you doing here? Look I told you before it's over. I'm with DJ now and I thi-"
"SHUT UP! I don't care about BJ or whatever her name is. I shared the Family Secret with you and now you throw it all away for that Tanner Tramp!"
Harvey was quiet, too afraid to speak. DJ was frozen like an ice carving. The silence was broken by the black cat who could apparently talk. Now that was something to make Matlock glance up!
"Sabrina I'm very hungry can you get me some food or-"
"SHUT UP Salem I'll deal with you next!"
The cat let out a pathetic sob and ran under a table, tail between his legs. Harvey took this opportunity to make a run for it and ran out through the kitchen. Sabrina followed as a cacophony of banging metal and shrieking chefs issued from the kitchen, but there was a scream outside the kitchen. It came from the germaphobic man. Danny Tanner was crouched over in a pool of blood, sobbing, and in his arms he held the trampled girl, little Stephanie Tanner. Matlock and the rest of the family surrounded them. Danny began to scream.
"SOMEBODY! SOMEBODY GET SOME SHOUT FOR THIS CARPET! OH GOD!! PLEASE TELL ME IT'S BEEN SCOTCH GUARDED!! Oh Joey, we need a doctor for Stephanie."
"I am a doctor! And Dr. Gladstone prescribes on wowwypop! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
As the crowd laughed half-heartedly at Joey Gladstone a man hobbled through the crowd carrying a cane and a medical bag. The man looked overall displeased to be there and as he bent down next to them took a small bottle out of his coat and popped a pill.
"Hello, my name is Dr. Gregory House. This isn't Lupus, looks like she's been trampled, crushed ribs, lots of internal bleeding, she will die, I have some Vicoden but I'm saving it for later, lucky for you guys I always carry my luggage in a child sized coffin, though I don't think it's that big of a loss she is an ugly child."
Stephanie struggled to open her eyes. As she began to cough up blood she smiled and said "How Rude". As the laugh track played Stephanie Tanner closed her eyes, and with a swift contortion of her spinal column, snapped it in half, and took her own life.