Disclaimer: Sadly, we did not create, nor do we own, Harry Potter...that lovely right belongs to other people with lots of money...and castles...however, the plot is ours.
A/N: Hey everyone! This is our first fanfic...just some silliness, mind you...but we hope you enjoy it all the same! Kisses, Michi and Elizarita.
Harry Potter and the 'Magical' Muffin Mischief
Chapter 1: Utter Nonsense Upon Returning to Hogwarts
One fine autumn day, a young boy named Harry Potter stood in front of a brick wall, scrutinizing it fiercely. Making sure that the coast was clear, Harry Potter stepped through the wall. This was no ordinary wall, however. This was a 'magical' wall that only 'magical' people could walk through to board a 'magical' train to attend a 'magical' school with their 'magical' friends and learn 'magical' lessons and use 'magical' wands and witness 'magical' events of all types of 'magical' sorts. ((A/N Michi: did I mention it was 'magical'?)) He hopped onto the pretty, shiny, big, red piece of bubble gum that was suspiciously stuck to the station floor, charmed it with Wingardium Leviosa, and soared around until the conductor cried out, "You great pruny prat! Get on the train before we smack you with a wet noodle!"
Harry replied, "Well although getting smacked is rather fun, I must see my most favorite beast, Ronnikins, and that weirdo big-toothed girl – er, I mean – Hermione." He leapt on board gleefully and gave the conductor a smarmy wink. The conductor shifted uneasily, then promptly shoved Harry into the train car. Harry stood up, brushed himself off, and pranced down the length of the train searching for his friends.
His prancing was soon interrupted as he collided with none other than Draco Malfoy, who was singing out, "Muffins! Muffins for sale!" Malfoy's product, which consisted of an assorted variety of muffins, came showering down on them.
"Alas, a shower of muffins!" screeched Harry. "This must be my lucky day!" He promptly began to snatch muffins out of the air and stuff them into his pocketses – er – pockets.
"Scar-boy, you imbecile! What have you done to my 'magical' muffins?" Draco yelled accusingly.
"Yours? Muffins? 'Magical'? What do you mean YOUR 'magical' muffins? These are obviously mine as they are now concealed in my 'magical' pockets… Blondie," Scar-boy replied.
"FINE!" Blondie yelled, snatched up the remaining muffins, and flew down the length of the train corridor doing a series of gymnastic moves he had learned that summer from Snape. He looked (and sounded) like a rather small, well-dressed, blonde, dying velociraptor.
A rather startled Harry inched along the ceiling, listening through the cracks in the doors for Ron's cracking voice. After successfully identifying it, he turned himself into a cockroach, scurried into the compartment, landed on Ron's head, and transformed back into a messy-haired kid. ((A/N: No, there was no one in the compartment with Ron. He just talks to himself.))
"Hallo there, Ron!" Harry yelled, "Good to see you again!"
"How's the view from up there, Harry?"
"Marvelous! Splendid! Fantastic! Beautiful! Well actually, it's just some peeling wallpaper with some graffiti about Draco baking muffins. It's rather scary, can I come down now?" Harry replied.
"Wow, you can always make my day better! Down you get!" Ron answered as he attempted to untangle Harry from his shoulders. When almost done, they found themselves in a rather provocative position just as Hermione entered the compartment, positively glowing, not to mention glowering, in all her bushy haired glory.
"Do I WANT to know?" she asked of the two giggling imbeciles lying on the floor.
"Actually, first I was sitting here, musing about why maids are the only ones who can carry feather-dusters without looking like complete wankers when a cockroach landed on my head – a bespectacled cockroach, mind you – and then turned into young Harry here. I - "
"Oh, do shut up Ronald. It was a rhetorical question, you twit, and I didn't expect any answ -" Hermione reprimanded, then stopped suddenly when she noticed the boys gaping at her shirt. "What is it?" she snapped.
"'Mione, what's wrong with your shirt?" Harry inquired. "It didn't look like that last year."
"Yeah…it's all lumpy…is it cancerous? You might want to get that checked out by a professional," Ron added. Both boys began to prod the lumps gently.
"Identical twin cancerous lumps. Quite odd indeed, eh Ronald?" Harry observed as he continued prodding curiously.
"Bloody strange…and downright peculiar…but they do make her look rather shapely…" ((A/N Michi: don't you lurvf this?))
Hermione stared at them angrily. "Stop that at once!" she exclaimed.
Just then, Seamus Finnegan, self-acclaimed Pervert Extraordinaire of Gryffindor, burst into the compartment. "What's all the ruckus?" he asked nonchalantly, then noticed Hermione's chest region. "Boooobs…" he drooled and reached out a hand. Hermione slapped it away and Seamus dejectedly ran from the compartment.
"Oh…so that's it…" Harry said softly as he and Ron withdrew their hands.
Ron looked at his hands for a moment, then exclaimed, "Wicked! You and I just got to second base with Hermione, mate!" He high-fived Harry. Hermione "hmph"-ed loudly and stormed out of the compartment.
Ron's stomach grumbled loudly. "Ugh, I'm positively starved," he whined. "Got anything to eat?"
"Turraaaaaah!" Harry exclaimed as he reached into his pocket and pulled out something. Unfortunately, Harry carried many things in his pockets, and the first thing he procured happened to be some rather crusty cheese cubes. He continued digging and finally produced two of the muffins that he had snagged from Malfoy. The muffins were wrapped in pink and orange polka dot patterned cellophane and had labels tied to them with pink ribbon. Harry kept the blueberry muffin for himself and handed Ron the questionable-looking rutabaga-cottage cheese-lime flavored one.
"Harry…it's just like mum used to make…oh how I love the unsavory blend of awkward flavors!" He held the muffin up and gazed at it reverently. "Food, glorious food!" he sang, and proceeded to go on with the entire Broadway number until Harry elbowed him in the face. He then devoured the muffin vociferously. Harry watched him with disgust. "Wot?" Ron asked as crumbs sprayed from his mouth. Harry shrugged and averted his gaze as Ron sighed and patted his stomach contentedly.
"You know, Harry, that Malfoy can make a mean muffin. Let's go find Blondie and get some more!"
"Right-o," Harry agreed and he and Ron linked arms and skipped down the train car singing, "We're off to see young Malfoy, the oh so wondrous muffin god, because because because because becaaaaaaaause – OOF!" Their lovely, joyous song was interrupted as they collided with Hermione. She began screaming at them and shoved them off.
"She's just upset because she has cancer…" Ron whispered to Harry. Harry nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, I heard it gives you terrible mood-swings," Harry added.
"I HEARD THAT!" Hermione shouted after them. They ran away from her quickly, but then flew backwards down the corridor as the train stopped with a lurch. They fell once again on Ol' Bushy Hair.
"Wow, quite soft," remarked Harry, who was nestled on one of Hermione's 'cancerous lumps.'
"Yeah, these came in quite handy," Ron agreed as he patted his lump fondly.
"Mmm…nice basoomas Hermy…" said Seamus in a muffled sort of way. He had somehow appeared facedown between Ron and Harry.
"AAAUGH!" Hermione yelled and chucked the boys out of the train. They landed with a soft thud on Hagrid, who was nonchalantly singing about Blast-Ended Skrewts on the platform.
"'Lo there, 'Arry! Didna know ya were so eager ta see yer ol' friend Hagrid," he exclaimed in a giant-y sort of way. He carried the three boys over the 'horseless' carriages. Harry gave his crusty cheese cubes to the nearest threstral.
"Feeding cheese to thin air again are we, eh Potty?" Malfoy drawled from behind him.
Potty turned and replied, "Well, at least the thin air accepts my cheese, Lucius Jr. Because it seems that even the air won't buy your muffins."
Lucius Jr. blushed and covered his unbought muffins defensively and cried, "They just need time to be accepted! The majority of the Hogwarts population isn't ready to receive such deliciousness!"
"Muffins?!" Ron shouted, and he dove onto Malfoy. "Give them here, you great barmy old bat!" The barmy bat shrunk back in horror and disgust as Ron began devouring his precious muffins. He managed to slink away, muttering darkly. "You will pay Weasel…you and your little Potty-trainer too…YOU WILL ALL PAY!" The crowd around him looked confusedly at the blonde as Draco shouted to himself. When he noticed that everyone was staring at him, he smiled seductively and winked, flashed the crowd, then scurried off quickly as everyone squealed in delight.
The students filed into the Great Hall and settled into their seats, much like a herd of hippopotami settling into the mud of the Nile. Harry sighed, "Denial is not just a river in Egypt…"
"What are you going on about, mate?" asked Ron, confused.
"Nothing you should worry your pretty red-head about, Ronnikins," Harry said comfortingly as he patted his friend's rump gently.
"Right then," squeaked a rather flustered Ron. "Could you not do that at the table? Maybe somewhere," he paused to look around sneakily, "private?" He raised his eyebrow suggestively.
"Ron, I think your eyebrow's spazzing…" Harry replied. He was obviously oblivious to the innuendo. Ron sulked and picked at his mashed p's glumly. ((A/N Elizarita: mashed p's is obviously short for mashed potatoes…and not mashed puss or mashed pHs, like spell check wants me to put…))
After the sorting was over (none of the upper levels really cared about it anymore), Dumbledore stood to give his speech. The whole Hall fell silent as he lifted his 'magical' hand, but at this moment, Malfoy muttered, "The old goat's still around?" The entire crowd fell silent and turned to look at him, so he slid under the table.
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Dearly beloved," he began, "we are gathered together once again to partake in the beautiful knowledge of 'magical' things. What a pleasure it is to be reunited with you all once more. Almost as pleasurable as Mr. Malfoy's stunning abdominal display earlier – er, I mean – Mr. Malfoy, that was wrong and I need to see you in my office once my speech is over." The old man's eyes twinkled and Draco groaned and slid farther under the table. "On another note, we have decided to keep dragons in the school. They will chase anyone who is late for class or out of their dorm past curfew. We may, er, conveniently forget to feed them, so, unfortunately, some of you will be eaten. But it is for the greater good. Overpopulation is a problem today that needs to be addressed." Dumbledore watched the students shift nervously and glance around. The rest of the staff seemed rather puzzled as well. Suddenly, Dumbledore burst into raucous laughter. "You should have seen the looks on your faces! HAHA! I GOT YOU ALL! I WIN!" he shouted, and with that he became serious once more and glided out of the room. Several seconds later, a voice from outside the room shouted "ACCIO DRACO!" and a grumbling young Mr. Malfoy zoomed out of the hall.