Stan Marsh was always the one of the group to stay level headed during anything. He was always the one that Kyle and all the other kids would go to for help. He was the one who was the easiest to get to understand. He was the nicest. And, he was the gayest. But that was a very big secret that no one knew but him. He only went out with Wendy as a cover up and hated every minute of it. And now, here he was, in high school, on the football team, still sitting with the same losers. Or well, no... Kyle was fine. Butters was fine, hell even Kenny was fine at times. It was just that fuckin fatass Cartman. He was always an asshole and would do anything to get what he wanted. Kyle had also always been there for Stan, and they were best friends. Kyle. The one Stan had always secretly had a crush on. He would sometimes find himself watching Kyle's lips when he was talking, or thinking of him during class. He'd watch him at the lunch table, and usually Kyle didn't notice. There had been only a few times he had, and those were just shrugged off like they were nothing.

And now… here Stan was, lying in his bed, thinking of that exact person. Kyle. That small jewfro'd little boy had honestly gotten hit hard by the puberty fairy. He'd gotten extremely tall. Though Craig was slightly taller that was to be expected seeing as he was always taller then everyone. He'd gotten tall, managed to learn how to tame his hair, and oh heavens his facial features. Kyle got skinny. But not stickly like Craig, he had muscle from playing basketball. Stan was… of normal size. 6 foot 2 or 3, the usual teenage football player size.

Stan felt himself turn on his side, holding a pillow close to his chest. He bit onto it and felt tears rise. Kyle, the love of his life, had a girlfriend. And several times had Stan seen them. He'd seen how it escalated. Kiss, make out, almost sex. He'd been there many times it had happened and made some excuse about needing to go home to do something important. He looked at his phone. He'd been talking to Kyle and then Kyle just stopped texting back. That was hours ago. As if by magic right as Stan reached over it buzzed. 1 new message from Kyle. Feeling a sharp pain in his chest, he opened it.

K- Hey sorry dude, gf came over. Hope you're still awake and knowing you, you are.

Stan stared at the message, then shut off the screen and set it back down next to him. A few minutes later he got another message.

K- Stan I know you're awake.

Yet again he ignored it. And then another.

K- Stop ignoring me Stan.

And finally…

K- Fine. FINE! I didn't want to talk to you anyways. Jerk. All you fucking do is fucking mope around. The fuck happened to you? You used to be so fucking lively and cheerful but now your just fucking depressing and pitiful.

He felt the pain of that one in his chest and shoved the stupid device off his bed. He curled up around the pillow and began crying again. He didn't go to school the next day, or the day after that. Or the day after that. He got tons of messages from his friends asking if he was okay. He didn't answer. After a week they gave up. Not one message from Kyle.

His mother brought him up food that night, and sat on his bed after setting down the plate on the boy's desk. She brushed the hair gently from his face, and her heart broke when he looked up at her with red, puffy eyes. "Stan, sweetie… will you tell me what's wrong?"

He shook his head.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?"

Another headshake but this time he moved his head to her lap. She looked down at him rather shocked, but pet his hair anyways. She didn't need words to know he needed her. He started shaking as he cried again, but calmed slightly when he felt his mother's fingers slide through his hair. He calmed even more when she began softly singing a lullaby to him that she hadn't since he was a child. Sure she wasn't great. Or even on key, but… it was soothing none the less because it was his mom making him feel better.

"Stanly," she said softly, "Please try and go to school tomorrow. If you need me to come get you I will."

He nodded, and sat up wiping his eyes. With a hoarse voice he spoke, "Alright…"

She brought over his food, and stayed there to make sure he ate it. After he finished she kissed his head and went back downstairs, shutting the door after her.

The next day Stan didn't even bother getting dressed. He kept on his too-big sweat pants and his too-big jacket and pulled on his too-big hat over his head, and walked out of the house with only his phone. He didn't need his books, he didn't need anything. He hadn't even brushed his hair or teeth, or even put on deodorant much less showered. When he got to the bus stop he was surrounded by people, which he shoved away from and pulled the hood up over his hat. He saw a glare from Kyle, and looked away. When the bus arrived he sat in the seat next to Tweek. At the front of the bus. Where he never sat. Needless to say everyone on the bus went silent when he sat. Especially the loud annoying driver.

School was hell; he had most his classes with the ginger, and skipped many of them. He either hid in the bathroom or skipped over into the library or hey he even sat on the roof to skip on class. He only went to one class that day, music. The only one aside from Drama he didn't have with Kyle. When he walked in he got looks, and just sat in the back of the classroom. Alone. The teacher knew by just how he was dressed he wasn't going to be able to work so he didn't even bother asking.

The bus ride home was just as bad as the ride there. He sat next to Tweek. With a soft sigh he took out his phone and sent just one message as he got off early to walk the rest of the way. A message to Kyle.

S- this is all your fault

And he didn't expect a reply. But he did get a message from someone. Craig.

C- Dude u looked p pissed. And depressed. U alright?

Stan sighed and gave a soft smile, replying.

S- I guess.. I dunno..

S- no. not at all.

C- U wanna talk about it?

Ever since he saved Craig's hamster from a cat he's been nice to Stan. And it was nice.

C- even tweekers said u were off…

S- its just.. kyle stuff. Its nothing.

C- I don't think its nothing dude. After u got off his phone went off and like seconds later he started crying. Tho the looser tried to pass it off as having gotten hair in his eye

Stan stared at the message for a moment, having stopped walking mid step.

S- he deserved to cry like that.

C- a month ago u'd have slaughtered anyone who made him hurt. The fuck happened.

S- im just being a drama queen but..

Stan copied Kyle's messages he'd sent him that night and sent them to Craig, explaining that all that day had been shit and he just wanted to text kyle but only got 3 messages before he disappeared, and came back with those 4 hours later.

C- 4 hours? Holy fuck what were they doing?

S- shoot me if I ever find out..

C- can I ask u something? And I swear ill keep it to myself, I don't gossip like fatass

S- sure go ahead this day can't get worse

You sent back, continuing your walk back home.

C- How long. How long have you liked him Stan.

S- don't wanna know how you figured it out but.. lets see since 5th grade so.. 5 years?

C- …. And uve seen him with gfs like.. almost having sex theyre so into the face sucking?

S- for 5 years. He missed my birthday this year because of that whore

C- are you fuckin serious?

S- completely. 3 weeks ago, you were pretty much aside from butters tweek and my mom the only one that remembered it..

S- oh and clyde and token but they remember everyones

C- yeah its kinda freaky. Btw not tryn to be rude but you should shower.

S- planning on it. 4 houses from my own right now.

C- oh shit dude run inside Kyle just sprinted off the bus saying something about seeing you

S- fuc k- thanks dude I'll message you when im out of the shower.

C- GL

S- thanks

Stan ran inside and dropped his phone on the table, "Mom if anyone other than Craig comes to the door asking for me, I'm not here or I'm in the shower. Which I will be. "

She nodded, knowing better then to ask any questions.

Stan ran up to his room and got clean clothes before going into the bathroom to shower.

He stepped into the warm water, now fully naked and just stood in the artificial rain for a few moments before starting to actually wash. He scrubbed his hair, thinking about the day. Nothing had been different, or well to him nothing had… nothing was out of place or anything.. As he started to wash his arms and legs he sighed, and looked up into the water again, his eyes closed. He finished washing and turned the water off, stepping out of the shower with a towel around his waist and one on his head. Staying in the bathroom he slid on his boxers and shorts, as well as a thicker strapped tank top. (A wife beater basically but I HATE that name for them so I just call them thick strap tank tops. Same thing.)

After drying off his hair he walked down to the kitchen after grabbing his phone. He got a juice box from the fridge and plopped on the couch. His mother gave him a smile.

"Kyle asked to see you sweetie. I told him you were in the shower and to maybe come back later."

He nodded, and took a sip of juice. "Thanks mom…"

"Any time."

Stan took out his phone and messaged Craig.

S- I'm out now

C- jesus dude talk about long showers

S- I was thinking too smartass

C- with which head

S- ha ha ha very funny.

C- yeah whatever. U should really consider actually talking to Kyle instead of just letting him slip. U too have a lot of memories that can't go to waste and a lot of understandings and shit. Remember when he had to move to san fransisco?

S- …

C- all I'm saying is there is something worth fighting for here.

S- ... you're right. Thanks Craig.

C- any time. Except midnight.

Stan rolled his eyes and got up, shoving the phone in his back pocket. "Mom I'm going out, I'll be back later.." he said to her, walking out. He made his way to Kyles house, and knocked on the door. "Is.. Kyle home?"

His dad nodded, "He's up in his room with his lady friend. Go on up."

Stan felt a burning in his nose as he walked up. No, no. He wasn't going to cry. Nope. He knocked twice, then opened the door to see them tangled together on the bed, her asleep. He was about to back out of the room but the door squeaked and Kyle's eyes snapped up, meeting his. "Stan-" he said quickly, looking down at the girl.

Stan however didn't want to hear it, and turned around. He ran down the stairs, not even bothering to close either doors. Kyle ran after him until he got to the front door, and called out the door. "Stan!" But he was gone. He booked it.

Only a few minutes later Stan ran through the front door of Craig's house and up to the boys room, almost tackling him where he was. Craig should have been lucky he was sitting down. He looked down at the boy that was now a sobbing mess in his lap and on his chest, hesitantly bringing a hand up to the boys head. He gently pet his hair, and pulled him close. "I'm not good at this comforting thing you know…"

Stan didn't care however. He just clung to Craig, continuing to cry.

After he had calmed down a bit Craig had him explain what had happened, and after explaining Stan just looked down at his feet. "I couldn't do it.. He was- and she-.. and they-…" he started, beginning to cry again. "I just.. I want it to stop…"

Craig pulled him closer against his chest and sighed, pulling a small blanket around Stan's shoulders. "Text your mom that you'll be staying here tonight."

Stan sniffed and nodded, sending the message to her. After he looked up at Craig as he got up and went over to his door, locking it before sitting back on the bed. "This may sound weird, but take off your shirt."

Stan raised an eyebrow, but did as told. Craig had him lay down on his stomach, and sat on his thighs. Totally not gay. He put some lotion on his hands and began to massage Stan's back. Stan gave a shocked moan when Craig cracked then massaged that part in his lower back that had needed cracked for almost years it seemed. Craig smirked. "Noisy in bed are we?" he teased, continuing to move his hands across the others back.

"You're the one with the fuckin lesbian fingers," Stan called back, his face in a pillow to hide the expressions he was making. Which were totally sexual.

"Yeah yeah," Craig said back. "Jesus you're really fuckin tense do you never get massaged?"

Stan shook his head, biting his lip lightly. "Jesus Christ it feels good though."

"Watch the gayness dude, don't let your gaydar explode."

Stan lifted his foot, and harshly swung his heel into the others back, earning a grunt. "Hah."

Craig paused his motions to lightly rub his back. "Christ dude…"

Stan laughed softly. And that's what most of the night contained. Craig making Stan laugh, eat, drink plenty of water, and just make him feel better. By 3 am Stan flopped on the bed again, "God I'm glad it's Friday."

"Technically Saturday," Craig corrected, flopping next to him.

"Shut up," Stan said softly, not fighting it when Craig pulled the boy to his chest.

"Sleep Stan," Craig said softly, lightly kissing his head. "And this is totally not gay. Maybe with Tweekers it is but not with you. I help with his episodes… have him spend the night and make sure he's okay. "

Stan looked up at him, "Is that why you were so quick to notice my crush on Kyle? Because of Tweek?"

Craig smiled, and held a finger to his own lips as if to say it was a secret, "Tweek and I have been dating for almost a year and a half now. I'm good at secrets."

Stan grinned, "And he knows you're doing this?"

"He suggested it."

Stan smiled and pulled the blanket up, cuddling into his chest. "If you get past all the twitches and are able to understand him through the stutters... he's a nice kid."

Craig nodded, and gently pet his back. "Now get some sleep gayass."

"You're the gay ass," Stan yawned, and rather quickly fell asleep.

The next morning Craig had Stan go with him and Tweek to the park. Stan sat on the swings, watching Craig push Tweek slowly so the boy wouldn't have a heart attack and keel over. Tweek knew that Stan knew, and gave him an embarrassed smile every now and then.

And then Kyle showed up…

Stan looked down, pulling the hood to Craig's sweater up to try and avoid him, but Kyle came over anyways. He took a step back for some reason, not knowing that both Tweek and Craig had given him a dirty look.

"Stan, we need to talk."

"I thought you said you didn't wanna talk to me anyways and that I'm just pitiful and depressing?" Stan shot back, earning a soft growl from Tweek.

"You sa-said that to hi-him!?" he shouted (rather loudly) at Kyle, who jumped slightly.

Kyle raised his hands, trying to come up with an excuse. Stan shook his head and pushed off the hood, looking right up to Kyle from his seat. "What do you want to talk about? You want your shit back from my room? Fine take it. You want to get rid of the shit I gave you? Fine, keep the money too. But I'm not going to sit in your goddamn room and watch you make out and nearly fuck one more goddamn girl." He stood, shoving at Kyle's chest actually budging the boy, who had to take a step back to stay balanced. "I'm sick of being there just so you're parent's don't walk up because oh no they trust me. I'm sick of being ignored by you because of them! You ignored me on my birthday Kyle. Which, these two and my mom Clyde and Token were the only ones that remembered. Again. Usually you do, but no you had to be fucking your girlfriend. Who, by the way, is depressingly ugly and is sleeping with half the football team. I hear about it all the time in the locker room."

Kyle's expression hardened. "I came here to apologize."

"You're doing a goddamn fine job of it to you asshole," Stan shoved at him again, actually knocking him over. Stan glared down at him, and took small steps towards him. "Five years I've put up with this pain. Five long ass god damn fucking years I've watched you do this shit!" He pulled Kyle up by the shirt collar, hiding his shock at the fact he had enough strength to.

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Kyle shouted back, attempting to make Stan let go.

Instead of letting go Stan held onto the shirt harder, before just throwing him. "Get out of here."

"Stan-"

"Go. Away." Stan said, re-seating himself on the swing. "I don't know why I loved you in the first place."

Kyle stared at him, and stood. He brushed off his pants and simply walked away.

Stan, after Kyle was out of eyeshot, began crying into the sleeves of the hoodie. Aka it's main purpose of being there. He felt 4 hands gently petting his hair and back, and took deep shaky breaths.

"You did a good job Stan," Craig said rather softly.

"Ye-yeah," Tweek said as well, and twitched. "Better than I could have.."

Stan gave a small smile to them, and looked at the direction Kyle left his smile dropping. "He didn't even say bye."

"He was scared shitless Stan," Craig laughed softly.

"Can... you two walk me home?" Stan asked, looking down again.

The two smiled at each other and took one of his hands each. "Sure," they said at the same time, and walked him home. Stan was tucked into bed by them, and kissed on the head by them both.

"You're both gay," Stan smiled, "It's nice."

Craig lightly kissed Tweek, something Stan had only seen a couple times. And it was a soft kiss, meant to calm the twitchy one down or to just express his feelings. Never something intense like what he was used to seeing. It was a nice change.

After they left Stan got a message. From Kyle.

K- what did you mean by "I don't know why I loved you in the first place"?

Stan sighed, and decided to actually answer him.

S- for 5 fucking years I've liked you as more than a friend Kyle. And for 5 fucking years I've seen you do the exact same goddamn thing with one girl as you did the last and it pissed me off so much. You forgetting my birthday was the last fucking straw so I was pissed at you and didn't answer.

K- …

S- that's when you went "pitiful and depressing" on me and I'd already had a shit day and just wanted to fucking talk to the only goddamn person in the fucking world aside from craig tweek and token that I thought actually understood me but no. I get 3 messages, and then silence for 4 hours. Pardon the fuck out of me for being mad.

K- dude

S- don't you fucking dude me one more time.

K- why didn't you just tell me

S- I don't know about you but that's not the easiest thing. "Hey Kyle I've liked you for 5 years and have fallen in love with you. Dump your girlfriend and fuck me instead"? no.

K- …

S- what.

K- do you actually.. want me to?

S- to what break up with her? Or fuck me?

K- both?

S- both would be skippy.

K- I broke up with her before I went to talk to you at the park. I didn't know craig and tweek could be so scary…

S- the fuck are you saying

K- I think I'm asking you out.

S- wait a goddamn week dude.

K- awww why?

S- you /just/ broke up with her.

K- that's true-

S- or.. we could just not tell craig and tweek until a week?

K- that sounds… nice

S- just nice?

K- dude no you know what I ment.

S- I don't know do i?

K- sure hope you do, wouldn't want to have to come over there and show you now would i?

S- I think you do want to.

K- what are you gonna do? Sue me?

S- my window is unlocked

K- 5 minutes.

Five minutes later Kyle was climbing inside the window. Stan sat up, and looked at him. Kyle walked over to him, "I'm so sorry Stan…"

Stan reached for him, and Kyle laid next to him, pulling him close.

"I'm so so so sorry…I didn't know you… " Kyle rambled, only to be stopped by Stan.

"I went out with Wendy for a year to try and deny it to myself. Didn't work. Never actually legit been kissed, you should show me how it works. " Stan smirked as Kyle slipped under the covers, holding Stan close by the waist.

End chap 1.