Krieger took off with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. I got this idea perusing the Facebook pages of a certain scientist. Who is technically not a doctor. Of any kind.
Hiss-Story Repeats Itself
"Any calls this time?" Mallory Archer walked over to Cheryl's desk with a glass in her hand.
"No. For like the ba-jillionth time!" Cheryl groaned in an annoyed tone.
"It's bad enough Sterling and Lana screwed up another mission Slater gave us," Mallory groaned. "Once again throwing our status with the CIA into serious doubt! But now I can't find those two idiots and I have to deal with whatever stupidity you morons do around my office!"
"Mostly because you have nothing else to do," Cheryl said. "And nothing else to drink."
"How hard is it to remember to restock alcohol?" Mallory snapped.
"Don't yell at me!" Cheryl said. "It's not my stupid job!"
"No! It's…Oh. Right…" Mallory winced. "Sterling's. Great. The one piece of paperwork I actually expect him to do…"
"I thought you restocked your own alcohol?" Cheryl asked.
"Well I did for a time then I relegated the job to Woodhouse," Mallory explained. "But then that ship sailed off on the S.S. Heroin Relapse. So…Yes. Definitely a mistake to trust Sterling for this."
Mallory gave Cheryl a look. "So go down to our regular supplier and fill up with everything you can find. Whisky, scotch, vodka, gin…Whatever. Just get a good variety and put it on my tab. They have my card on file."
"And how am I supposed to carry a bunch of crates of booze by myself?" Cheryl asked.
"Do I have to think of everything for you?" Mallory was extremely annoyed. "And even as I asked the question…"
"It was a pretty stupid one," Cheryl agreed.
"Just get Krieger and his date rape van and…" Mallory then noticed Krieger skulking about with a net in his hands. "Oh great. This is never good."
"Oh," Krieger then noticed that Mallory and Cheryl had seen him. He hid the net behind his back. "Hello!"
"Krieger…" Mallory growled. "What have you done now?"
"Me? What makes you think I've done anything?" Krieger asked innocently.
"You have your capture net with you," Mallory pointed. "And every time I see you with that thing something horrible has escaped that cesspit you call a lab. So is there anything you want to tell me?"
"Uhhhhh…" Krieger paused. "Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope."
"I'm going to infer from your tone that something has gone wrong again," Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "What god forsaken monstrosity has escaped your lab this time? Personally it can't be any more annoying than Gillette."
"Let's just say if you see any snakes in the building or around the city you might want to give me a call," Krieger admitted. "And don't look them in the eyes. Or butts. I'm not really sure snakes have butts but still…"
"And just for the hell of it," Mallory sighed. "Why would I not want to do that?"
"Because the lasers they emit are a lot stronger than I anticipated," Krieger held up the net and it had a huge hole in it.
"Genetically modified laser snakes…" Mallory pinched her nose. "You created genetically modified laser snakes. Great! This is the exploding mice fiasco all over again!"
"Why would you want to make laser snakes?" Cheryl asked.
"I was inspired by St. Patrick's Day," Krieger admitted.
"More like inspired by your patented O'Dublin Brand Tequila shooters," Mallory groaned.
"I figured you could always use them in the field to use against your enemies," Krieger went on.
"As much as I appreciate you researching new and exciting ways to annoy the Irish," Mallory groaned. "I'm going to have to give this project a Hell No! Besides according to science there were never any snakes in Ireland in the first place! Those drunks probably imagined them all."
"Here are those files you want," Ray walked over with some papers. He gave Krieger a dirty look. "I see you have your capture net out. What screw up did you make this time?"
"Why are you so upset?" Krieger asked innocently.
"WHY DO YOU THINK?" Ray showed Krieger his new black bionic hand.
"How can you still be mad about that? I thought you were colorblind?" Krieger asked.
"I'm not that colorblind!" Ray snapped. "I don't even like it when my socks are mismatched!"
"I agree. You already had enough strikes against you," Mallory remarked. "I mean seriously. The sometimes crippled cyborg gay hillbilly thing was bad enough but this is just…Are you under some kind of curse or something?"
"Apparently…" Ray grumbled.
"Maybe you can get St. Patrick to lift the curse?" Cheryl suggested. "Along with getting rid of Krieger's laser snakes."
"Laser what?" Ray yelled.
"Apparently Krieger has been researching more innovative ways to further run our agency into the ground," Mallory finished her drink.
"This is going to be like the exploding mice fiasco isn't it?" Ray sighed.
"Well at least this time we don't have any interns so the death toll will be down," Cheryl said.
"What death toll?" Cyril walked up to them. "Don't tell me this involves another mission!"
"I wish," Mallory groaned.
"Why does Krieger have his capture net out?" Cyril noticed something. "And why does it have a hole in it?"
"You want to tell him about the laser snakes or should I?" Ray asked Krieger.
"Uh I think technically you already did," Krieger said.
"Laser snakes?" Cyril yelled. "Wait snakes that are made of lasers or snakes that can shoot lasers?"
"A little bit of Column A and a bit of Column B," Krieger shrugged.
"Oh dear God Krieger!" Cyril gasped. "Have you learned nothing from the exploding mice disaster?"
"Apparently not," Ray groaned.
"Are they still in the building?" Cyril asked in a very worried tone.
"Well I'm guessing at least some of them are," Krieger shrugged.
"Some of them?" Ray yelled. "How many of those damn things did you make?"
"Uh not really sure," Krieger shrugged. "I started out with only twenty but then I discovered they can breed really fast…"
"Oh dear God," Cyril groaned. "This is exactly like the exploding mice incident!"
"Not exactly!" Krieger protested. "No one's died! Yet!"
"Tell me at least you didn't put any identification on those things like you did the last time a creature got loose!" Mallory snapped.
"Uhhhh…" Krieger began.
"Hey guys I just got the strangest phone call on the main line," Pam walked up to them. "Something about some snake with the phone number tattooed on its back that shoots lasers out of its eyes."
"Oh way to go Krieger!" Cyril threw up his hands. "Your stupid laser snakes are going to be traced back to us!"
"Laser snakes? Oh great! We're going to get phone calls from PETA just like the exploding mice thing!" Pam groaned. "Way to go Island of Dr. Moron-so!"
"So who called about the snake?" Mallory asked.
"Some animal control guy who was really shaken up," Pam said. "And babbling something about his van blowing up."
"We really should be doing something about this," Cyril gulped.
"You think?" Ray snapped. "Krieger please tell me you have a way to track these things!"
"Of course I do!" Krieger snapped. "I have learned some things from the exploding mice incident!"
"That is debatable," Mallory glared at him.
"AAAH! Mallory! Mother!" Archer and Lana ran up to them.
"And where the hell have you two been?" Mallory snapped.
"Copier. Break room!" Archer and Lana said at the same time.
"I was in the copier and she was in the break room!" Archer said quickly.
Unfortunately at the same time Lana said. "I was at the copier and Archer was in the break room."
"It doesn't matter!" Archer burst out. "Anyway we just saw a really weird snake come out of the broom closet!"
"Wait aren't those two things on the other side of the office away from the broom closet?" Cheryl asked innocently. "Then how could you have seen…?"
"It doesn't matter Carol!" Archer interrupted, getting Cheryl's name wrong again. "Krieger did something escape your lab again?"
"Well he has his capture net out," Lana said. "With a hole in it. Why does your capture net have a hole in it?"
"Because Krieger made laser snakes that escaped and are running amok blowing stuff up," Pam explained. "And of course the numb nut tattooed our office number on their backs so they can be traced back to us!"
"WHAT? Oh no not again!" Lana groaned.
"Krieger have you learned absolutely nothing from the exploding mice incident?" Archer shouted.
"How many people died this time?" Lana groaned.
"No one if we capture those things!" Mallory snapped.
"That's what you said during the exploding mice fiasco," Lana sighed. "To this day there are still urban legends of mice spontaneously combusting all over the lower west side!"
"And a few online videos confirming it," Pam groaned.
"All right! Krieger get whatever device you have to track those things and all of you go bring them back! Dead or alive!" Mallory ordered.
"What about the alcohol?" Cheryl asked. "Do you want that too?"
"What we're out of alcohol?" Archer blinked. "Did Woodhouse forget to…Oh. Right. I guess I'd better…"
"This is the only time I am going to say this," Mallory growled. "This mission is more important than alcohol!"
Everyone gasped. "I know. I can't believe I said it either," Mallory sighed. "Just go out and grab as many snakes as you can! Particularly the ones with our phone number on it. GO! GO! GO!"
As she ordered she smashed the glass she was holding into pieces. This provided enough incentive for the group to do as they were told.
"Yikes! She's in a mood!" Krieger gulped as the others raced off on a laser snake hunt.
"I'll bet St. Patrick never had days like this!" Pam agreed.
"I don't know how much more of this I can take," Mallory groaned when she was alone, shaking off the glass pieces. "And now there's glass on the floor. Ugh. That's it. If you want anything around here done right you have to do it yourself. I'll get the alcohol. But first I will get myself some alcohol."
"I think that new restaurant down the block has a bar," Mallory sighed as she got her coat and purse and left. "Might as well try that out. It's not like anyone is going to call us today."
Twenty minutes after she left the office the phone rang. And it went to voice mail.
"Hello? Hello? This is Slater? Damn it! Is anyone there? Look I'm driving by because I had a mission for you but since you're all busy with something I'll just give it to…What the heck? Is that a snake in the road? Is that snake glowing? AAAAAAAAAAHHH!"