(A/N: Sequel to "A Training for Thoughts". Basically, this story is a "What if Camus returned his feelings?" sort of fic in Camus's point of view. If you are lost, I suggest you read the first part although it isn't necessary, though be warned of the M/M SLASH or SHOUNEN AI within. Please enjoy the fic and the out of character traits displayed by Camus. Suikoden II is owned by Konami. There you go.
By the way, the castle and army are North Window. The leader is Riou.)
And a Reflection at Night
I never knew that he would become the most important person in my life.
Occupying the left side of the bed, his arms flung out, his legs tangled in the white sheets, his bare muscular chest basking in the light of the full moon, my friend and lover lies asleep, oblivious to the affectionate gaze I place upon him. His short black hair sticks to the front of his face, still wet, I notice as I comb my fingers through his hair. He must have been extremely exhausted after today's training, falling asleep with his hair still wet.
I walk towards the window, still unable to fall asleep. So much has happened in such a short time. It was only a year since he confessed his feelings for me and I considered a first romantic relationship with a man. It has only been a few months that we have lived in this small shack in the middle of the Grasslands, together as life mates. It has only been about 20 years since I met him as a boy in Rockaxe...
Who is he, you may ask. His name is Miklotov. He is the perfect example of a true knight. Strength, loyalty, honor, courage…he has them all. He follows an honest life: no corruption, laziness, or lying. When he pledges himself to a cause, he does not remove himself without a good reason. His unquestioned loyalty to any of his friends is hard to win, but once captured, it lasts a lifetime. He has never failed me, and no, losing my job as Captain of the Red Knights was not a betrayal on his part.
For he could never stand and watch helpless people die. Ever since I met him, he wanted to be a knight in order to help people. I might have thought of his sprints across town, or the daily push-ups, or the stick fights as little competitions back then, but it is obvious now that he was determined to make the ranks. It helped me achieve the health I have now, starting off as a skinny boy with barely any meat or bone. After returning home sweaty and tired, both of us would wash up in a nearby stream, telling each other more about ourselves. I learned so much about him during these afternoon conversations we had until we made the ranks as knights. As knights we had much less free time, so the daily excursions became once in a while trips and then distant memories.
We developed into similar, yet different knights during those years. I proceeded to become more of a lightweight, one-handed swordsman with fire magic while he became a two-hand sword master with little magic abilities at all. He was able to wear the heavy armor and still move, while the same equipment would allow me to barely breathe. As we went through puberty, I noticed how much larger his chest, torso, and legs grew as he surpassed me in height around my 16th year. I envied this, him being much stronger and larger, but our skills were still pretty evenly balanced. As we matured, Lord Gorudo, the highest ranking knight in all of Matilda, saw potential in us and believed that we should become the leaders of the red and blue knights, a deep honor for both of us.
Meanwhile the ladies flocked me. I was called "handsome" and "good-looking", and they obsessed with me more then I wished. I would try to find a place besides my quarters where I could have peace, but there barely was a place. Besides riding deep into the woods, I would spend time with him. He always wondered why I didn't spend my time with those ladies, for none of them ever treated him the same way they did with me. I guess I might have said then, "Why don't you trade positions with me and see what it's like?" But that would have been useless, because I knew he just couldn't understand.
The war dragged on with small border skirmishes until Prince Luca Blight gained control of the troops. A more aggressive front was used, towns burned to the ground and innocent people's heads cut off. I would have expected Lord Gorudo to do more to help the Muse people defend their city, but after seeing that the odds were not so favorable to our side, he pulled our forces from battle. Viktor's mercenaries were able to protect the city from capture until the mayor was assassinated and the town gate opened from the inside. This soon escalated into a full-time war.
The fall Muse soon led to the occupation of South Window. However, as Highland continued to plunder through the Jowston States, a new force began to organize. It was called the North Window Army, under the leadership of Lord Riou, who I met at the Jowston Hill conference discussing the war. He had an energetic and pretty sister named Nanami. I did the usual and politely apologized to her when Lord Gorudo hastily blew past her. She was cute, the way she blushed, and I figure that I made a lasting impression on her.
Later on I would encounter her again, but that is later. Anyway, this new force began to rise in power with their leader Lord Riou and helped to retake parts of the Jowston States. When they appealed to Lord Gorudo for an alliance of forces, however, they were turned down. Lord Gorudo hates to lose; I think it may have done something with his own pride as well as "protecting his country". I did not truly believe that he served our country best at the time, but I was a knight and only could follow his orders.
When the refugees tried to flee from Muse towards our borders, Lord Gorudo ordered us to just watch them as the Highland forces killed them. They were "not our concern", he said, because they weren't in our borders. I remember watching Miklotov become more agitated and angry as he watched people killed or rounded up. I also saw Lord Riou stiffen as each refugee was caught, but even being an independent force, he did not have enough men to protect him. Not with his sister Nanami along. I knew she was there out of concern for her brother, and not to fight. I realized how much she cared for him and wished I had someone for me who cared the same way. Not some stupid girlfriend, but someone who could understand and say the right words at the right time.
Anyway, we eventually pulled back. Miklotov was fuming by now, and as soon as Lord Gorudo dismissed us he came up with a suicidal plan to go into Muse alone to see what was going on for himself. I tried to prevent him, but nothing I could say would change my mind as I soon found out. Using a blank countenance to mask my extreme worry, I bid him farewell. I was talking to myself when Lord Riou walked by. This is great, I remember thinking to myself. I begged Lord Riou to follow him into Muse territory, because I could not leave. I had to make sure that he would still be able to return without being killed at the checkpoint. Besides, if both of us had left, Lord Gorudo would have immediately sent men after us. It would possibly be more dangerous for us that way.
As I returned to my room that night, I remember looking at the sky. It was full of twinkling stars in a moonless sky. As one came shooting by, I prayed that he would be safe. It was hard to fall asleep that night. What if he did get hurt? Knowing him for such a long time, it would have been hard to imagine. So not seeing him the next morning was strange, and I tried not to let that interfere with my work though he was always on my mind.
I was just passing by the main entrance that afternoon when Miklotov burst inside. I immediately greeted him with a welcoming smile, but he almost immediately asked to see Lord Gorudo. I tried asking what had happened, but he demanded to see Lord Gorudo right way. I tried to quell some of his anger, but the rage he contained could burn a person alive, I noticed as he walked past me into the main hall.
He stormed into the hall, and I heard that some great magical force had massacred the refugees. Lord Gorudo questioned the truth of those statements. He did not want to have a reason to send the knights into battle, I believe. As Miklotov continued to ramble on, Lord Gorudo silenced him by questioning his knight's honor. As I stood outside the door, waiting for the outcome, I heard as he resigned in disgust to Lord Gorudo's actions, throwing his emblem to the floor. I knew that it would be ugly after this, so I came in to intervene.
Lord Gorudo was enraged like I had never seen before. It would have taken more than my soothing words to break through the firestorm, but I tried anyway. It did not work. Lord Gorudo ordered me to throw Miklotov into prison. I knew that it was my turn to leave as well.
I could not betray a friend that stood by me for all these years, who only thought of the best for others, who could not stand the thought of innocent people dying. It had gone too far; I knew that I could never reconcile my friend with Lord Gorudo. I myself could not obey this order, which I told him, throwing my emblem to the floor as well. I saw the look…I don't know how to describe it. Like the devotion and loyalty between friends…that kind of emotion shine through Miklotov's eyes and I knew I did the right thing.
We asked Lord Riou to take us in, which he did, and I was able to recruit about half the knights to come with us. Miklotov was worried when I said that I would stay behind for a little while to recruit more men, but I assured him of my safety. It was a deep honor for both of us to have so many men loyal to us. As my group of knights rushed to the Greenhill border, we thankfully met up with Shu, the strategist of Lord Riou's army, and my friend, who was relieved to see me and surprised by the amount of people I recruited.
We went to their castle, called North Window castle because of the town that used to exist there. It was a nice place with many different types of people. I found myself comfortable in the open-air café. They also had a nice dojo there where I occasionally sparred with Miklotov. He seemed to like the atmosphere of the castle as well. He also seemed to dress better, which made me a bit curious. Was he trying to impress someone? I could never seem to guess who it was, not even with suggestions from Nanami.
Yes, I quickly befriended her when I came to the castle. She liked to do many different things, even riding into the woods with me. She had a very strong double-hit weapon, which dealt quite a bit of damage, when she fought. It was a welcome change to the traditional sword dueling that I was used to, and it improved both her and my skills. She also liked to spend time with me at the café, but liked to also drag me to watch performances on the stage. I really enjoyed the time I spent with her; it was a pleasant break from the horrors of war.
Meanwhile we took on the king of battle: Luca Blight. I was with Miklotov when we battled him. It was the toughest battle of my life. Finally with his defeat everyone hoped for an end to the war.
But it was not to come. Lord Riou's friend, now Jowy Blight, was the king of Highland. These two best friends were fighting for their own countries that they were expected to lead, which tore Nanami apart.
I knew she loved both of them deeply. The girl of unrestrained energy was reduced to tears every night. She was strong, always showing a smile for her brother each day. She still was adamant in protecting her brother, which she did to her best ability as our army attempted to recapture Matilda from the clutches of Highland which had just gained control of the land while we retook Greenhill.
I wasn't there to witness the actual event, but it was said that Lord Riou and Nanami went to burn the flag and met up with Jowy. After a short conversation they were interrupted by Lord Gorudo, whose archers shot at Lord Riou. Nanami successfully blocked all but the last shot, which struck right by her chest. We all prayed for her health, but that morning as we waited outside the infirmary, we were to learn that she had passed away.
It shocked me into the reality of war. I would go to the café alone to relive the memories I had with her. I would train at night, trying to make myself too exhausted to think straight so that I could fall asleep. I would wonder, what if Miklotov died? Lord Riou was probably feeling the same way right now that I would if he had died. I was extremely proud of our leader as he still commanded us to victory despite those terrible losses he suffered, bringing the birth to a new country.
It was then that we learned the truth of Nanami's situation. She couldn't stand watching the friends fight each other anymore, so she went back to Kyaro to heal. It relieved me so much, and I wondered how Lord Riou felt. Well, now he was just Riou, declining the offer to be the leader of the new country. I guess it was too harsh of all of us to expect him to take on the task of leading our country, but I guess we kind of expected him to continue to be a leader, even at the age of 15. I knew I wouldn't have done that either; I was barely even a knight then.
After leaving the castle, Miklotov and I headed to Rockaxe. We allowed everyone in the North Window army or with Lord Gorudo to start over as knights again. As Miklotov and I oversaw the training for a while, two men clearly stood out as good leaders. It was strange to see prospective knights just like the two of us were: one with the lightweight one-handed sword and shield, and the other with the two-handed sword. We handed them the titles, which they accepted with deep honor. As we secured these positions for them, Miklotov was asked to become the leader of all the knights. That was unexpected for both of us, because we had planned that we would both journey to the Grasslands after we were done with our work here.
I knew it was a deep honor for Miklotov. He had always worked hard to be his best, so I was sort of surprised when he told me he was going to reject the offer. I remember asking him why he did that, I mean, he was now in the position that he always wanted: he would be the most eligible bachelor in all of Rockaxe. Didn't he envy the fact that I usually had the offers from the women? We could write to each other and I could come visit him once in a while, so not like our friendship would be destroyed.
In four words he explained why. "Because I love you," he said. At first I was confused at what kind of love he was talking about, but after regaining his courage, he was able to put to words what he wanted to convey.
"I…love you like a man…would usually love a woman," he added, nervously. "And that's why I'll go with you to the Grassland and stay with you the rest of my life."
It was a huge shock for me. I had never expected my friend to be in love with me…of all people. I knew the words were true, seeing the love clearly in his eyes and his heartfelt confession. But I was clueless on what to do. I had never even thought about a man in that way before, but now that didn't seem to bother me at all. Seeing that he was still waiting for my answer, I could only think of one thing to say.
We would try a relationship together, I said. If it didn't work out, we could just be friends like before. It seemed like a good idea for both of us…because he had never been in a relationship before and I had never been with a man, so it would be something new. When he told me that staying at the castle helped him realize his feelings for me, it suddenly made sense. That was the reason he started to care about his appearance, he told me. He envied me more because I could attract the attention of people when he couldn't even have me notice him. I felt bad for not noticing before, but he did not care. He admitted that he was a bit jealous of Nanami, but he knew that she was only a friend to me.
After his confession, I started to notice details about him that I had not before. I noticed the way his stride was always tall and upright, how his eyes would change when he looked at me then when at another person. I noticed how his eyes almost changed color when he was battling, how much energy he expended in each duel. I found his deep voice to be very attractive, and the way he emphasized the syllables of my name to be very endearing. When he brushed against me, I would feel warm and tingly. But greatest of all was to see him blush but graciously thank me when I complimented him on something.
After giving out a short but explanatory speech detailing the reasons he declined the job, we packed our belongings and slowly headed towards the Grassland. I extremely enjoyed the unhurried trip, a welcome change to the rush and drain of war, and I think Miklotov enjoyed it as well. We found ourselves enjoying small games such as races on our horses or in swimming like we were young kids again. And when we ran into Riou, Nanami, and Jowy, he didn't mind when I spent a whole day with her. I found myself slowly falling in love with his kindness, his loyalty, and basically all the qualities that make him who he is.
When I showed him my hometown, which was not in the greatest of conditions, he did not care when the home we stayed in would collapse if another extreme storm came by. He even helped me rebuild the town when I asked him too. It was then when I felt my first pangs of jealousy.
While we both were outside working on new houses for the people of the town, shirtless and sweaty, Miklotov said, "You look good, or so those girls behind you think."
I laughed. "Well I guess I'll go talk to them. Don't want my boyfriend to be too jealous," I replied. Walking over there, I found most girls attracted to me, but this one girl was definitely looking up and down my boyfriend. Her name was Revyn. She seemed nice, with her brown hair and brown eyes, but finding someone else interested in MY boyfriend unnerved me.
That night she came over to our house and cooked for us. The food was delicious, and she spent much of the time talking to Miklotov. I felt unwanted, so I left them to converse while I took a walk outside.
"Why am I so jealous?" I thought to myself. "He is only doing what you always used to do with the ladies." But I could not help myself and become angry a bit…for him to be with someone else besides me.
When I came back I found Miklotov alone, washing the dirty dishes with well water. He smiled at me, but immediately was concerned seeing me expression. "You couldn't possibly be jealous of her, could you?" he said to me. "She was nice conversation, that's all. And she is going to teach me how to cook."
"Great…she's going to be here more often," I thought to myself. But to him, I said, "Sorry about that. I can't help it."
After he finished drying the clean dishes, he came up to me and enveloped me in a hug. "Let's go outside," he whispered in my ear. I let him lead me to the lake I had showed him when we had first arrived. He took me to my favorite spot, the ledge that overlooked the clear lake. As we stood together with his arms slipped around my waist, we gazed at the stars in the moonless sky. It was the perfect moment for my confession of truth.
"I love you, Miklotov," I said turning to face him. Slowly our faces drifted closer, and our lips brushed. I had always imagined his lips to be hardened and dry from battles, but they were soft. Judging by the awkwardness of the kiss, I guessed that it was his first. He pulled away for a second only to bring our lips together again. His hands went to caress my cheeks as my arms went around his waist, bringing him closer to me. We finally defined the relationship between us; we were now lovers. As we broke apart, he whispered, "I love you, always and forever."
Those words…I hope they will always be true. As he proved it to me many times, I can only be fortunate to have one as him in my life. I wonder sometimes if I am worthy enough for him, but he has never strayed from me. Even as people learned of our homosexuality, many throwing hateful and disgusted comments towards us, he stood by me and never wavered. He has held me when I have cried, and supported me when I reached for my victory. He has been my angel. It wouldn't be hard to imagine wings coming sprouting from his back, but that would make it difficult to embrace him the way I love to do.
Chuckling, I join him in the bed once again, wrapping my arms around his sleeping form. I will never let go. Always and forever…
(A/N: Sap, sap, I know! How did you like it? I know that I made up quite many things, but I know that Camus and Miklotov both went to the Grassland from the Suikogaiden details I read. I didn't play the game, so I don't know much about what happened there. We also all know that Riou, Nanami, and Jowy journeyed together west, all the way to Harmonia. So I tried to make things reasonable, but I think it may come in conflict with the Suikogaiden games. Oh well. Please review!)