Title: "I... You... - (I... will always be... with you...)"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's BASED ON THE MANGA. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), a bit of sappiness...
Notes: This work is based on the manga.
Warning over notes: This fic has notes. You will find them at the bottom. Each time you see a number between brackets it means there's a note connected to the word/sentence that preceded it. However I suggest you to read the notes AFTER you finished the fic unless the word/sentence connected to the note is really troublesome for you to understand. Anyway the fic should be still understandable without the notes. Notes are merely extra explanations for who wants to know more.
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Thanks: To Becca for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: 1999. An attempt to figure out the meaning behind Seishiro's last words...

"No, I can't forget tomorrorow
When I think of all my sorrows
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know
What you should know

I can't live if living is without you
I can't live, I can't give any more
Can't live if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give any more"
(Harry Nilsson - "Without You")(1)

1999 - Tokyo

'Now that I think about it... you... would never have been able to kill anyone... because... you're so kind... Subaru-kun... I... will always be... with you...'

That had been what Seishiro-san had told him with his last breath. Subaru, however, found hard it to believe. It was so... odd, unexpected and incomprehensible. It explained nothing, made nothing better. The man had to be an enigma until his end.

He had never understood Seishiro-san, never got to know him and now he would never have the chance to do so.

How could Seishiro-san say he would always be with him? Only because Subaru had a few memories of him and those irrational feelings that were just... too intense to be ignored? Because he wore his marks? Because he had... murdered him? Because he was drenched in his blood? His blood... that was all that remained of Seishiro-san. Some dried blood on his clothes and a string of memories, memories of him as a teenager who, instead of killing Subaru, made an odd bet with him, memories of him as a man, as he played the role of friendly vet, going so far to lose an eye in order to protect him, but still thinking he would murder him as the year was up because he couldn't feel something for him, memories of him as the man who broke his heart, the man who murdered his sister, memories of him as a Chi no Ryu, memories of him as he died in his arms, in the first and last hug Subaru had ever given to him, to the only person he had loved beyond reason, to the only person he wanted to protect no matter what, to the only person whose wish Subaru wanted to fulfil, even if that wish was to murder him or so Subaru had believed for such a long time, to the only person he had wished to matter to, even if he had to die in order to do so.

Now that Seishiro-san was dead, the world had no meaning for him.

He couldn't stay with the Ten no Ryu anymore.

After all, he had said right in the beginning he didn't care about the battle for the end of the world.

All he cared, all he had cared for was Seishiro-san and Seishiro-san...

The man had to die showing Subaru wasn't useful at all. Subaru had failed to protect the only one he wanted to save, the only one for which he could raise a Kekkai, the only one who made his miserable existence bearable.

He didn't want to stay with the Ten no Ryu anymore.

Kamui would miss him but... but he couldn't bear it anymore.

He should have died with Seishiro-san. Kamui might have saved his body but not his soul. His soul was dead, drowned in the water under Rainbow Bridge. His body should have followed his soul. It would have been easier. Yet he knew he couldn't die before he had figured out the meaning behind Seishiro-san's words. He couldn't die. He would have to live until he would find the answer and then... then... then he didn't know.

But in order to do so he had to leave the Ten no Ryu.

It was easy. He opened the window. He felt the wind blowing on his face. And the next second he was there no more.

For one month he searched for an answer. For one month he slid further more into apathy. For one month he spent all his time in the Sakurazuka's main house, Seishiro-san's house. It was a nice place but Subaru didn't care. He couldn't care about a single thing.

He couldn't care not even when he found the Chi no Ryu's Kamui in the house's garden.

He won't mind if the boy killed him but it annoyed him to share Seishiro-san's garden with him.

The Chi no Ryu's Kamui didn't tell him immediately what he wanted. He had to chat first. Thinking of Seishiro-san was still as painful as it had been one month before. Subaru wondered if the pain would even let him. Probably no and anyway he didn't want it to leave.

After all, not everybody is destined to be happy.

The boy said the only thing that could spark interest in him when he mentioned Seishiro-san's Wish.

"Did he tell you about his Wish?" he asked. Seishiro-san's Wish. The only thing that mattered to him. And Seishiro-san had shared it with the Chi no Ryu's Kamui?(2)

He hadn't but Subaru should have know it wouldn't have been necessary, that the boy could tell people's Wishes just gazing at them.

His eye. The loss of his eye. If the Chi no Ryu's Kamui was to be trusted Seishiro-san hadn't been pleased by it. Seishiro-san wanted to be the only one who could hurt him. It was so odd how the man could get jealous over such an idiotic matter. Seishiro-san saw him as his prey. His to own, his to hunt, his to kill and his to hurt. Seishiro-san might have never loved him but he wanted to own him. Completely. And he refused to share. Seishiro-san wanted his eye to be restored.

The Chi no Ryu's Kamui lifted his hand showing him some sort of small cylindrical case, marked with the inverted five-pointed star of the Sakurazukamori. It contained Seishiro-san's eye.

It contained Seishiro-san's heredity for Subaru. It contained the last thing that remained of Seishiro-san. It contained what Seishiro-san wanted him to use to erase the traces of another man. It contained Seishiro-san's Wish. It contained the proof Seishiro-san was dead.

He had hoped, of course. He had hoped against hope, he had hoped that foolish idiotic hope that the man could have survived merely because his marks were still there, printed on his hands.

That was why he had come there. That was why he had waited. After all he had waited for Seishiro-san for so many years. He had thought he could wait some more. But now... now he knew his waiting was without hope. Seishiro-san wouldn't return home. He had lied to him again. He wouldn't be always with him. He was alone. Forever.

Did he want that eye? Did he want to fulfill Seishiro-san's last Wish?

Of course he would fulfill it.

Seishiro-san's Wishes had always been all that mattered to him.

What other option did he have?

He reached out for the case, but as if reading his thoughts, the Chi no Ryu's Kamui spoke again.

"Are you sure? This means you'll inherit the powers of the Sakurazukamori as well."

He paused in his movement and an almost forgotten memory came to his mind, a memory of when he was younger, few days before the end of the bet, in a hospital, with Seishiro-san. He could still hear Seishiro-san's voice, right beside him, and the man's warmness as he hugged him from behind and, that time, he hadn't felt uncomfortable, he had felt special and warm and beautiful.

'For different reasons, organ transplants... are not well known in Japan... Most people don't like the idea of their organs being removed, even after death... others think that dead are Hokote, and that it's wrong to remove organs from sacred beings... Have you ever seen some one with encephalitis? Even if their brain no longer functions, and they've no chance of ever awakening... their hearts continue to beat, thanks to the machinery... they breathe... and their body stays warm. It's an ideal situation for organ harvesting...and organ transplants... The organs most often harvested in this case are the heart, kidneys, liver or cornea... but... None of it can be done without the sick person's family's permission...'

'I... I wish my body could save many people's lives... I'd like them to continue to live... and prolong my life a bit... In any case, I can't do much to help others... I'd be happy to save one life, one last time, before being crudely turned into ashes... True is my wish... even if it hurts my sister and grandmother.'

'But I don't think so... In fact, I believe that Hokuto-chan would be proud of your choice... those who let their organs be donated, think that they can prolong their lives a little... The victim's families are given new hope... In imagining their lost one still lives on, in a sense, in someone else's body... I'm sure Hokuto-chan and your grandmother will respect your decision... But... If you ever leave this world before you sister... I believe she will be furious and she'll never forgive you!'(3)

And he had smiled at those words, smiled and then, after Seishiro-san had told him the truth, after Hokuto-chan had died, he had fought so hard to forget them, to forget that warmness, to forget that smile, to forget...

He remembered another smile, a smile he had seen not so long ago.

'Now that I think about it... you... would never have been able to kill anyone... Because... you're so kind... Subaru-kun... I... will always be... with you...'

Was that what Seishiro-san had meant? Was it? To be always together in the same body... Was it what Seishiro-san wanted? Was it going to be enough for Subaru? It didn't matter. If it was Seishiro-san's wish he would fulfill it. He was going to keep the last part of him alive. This time he wouldn't let him die even if in order to do so, he would have to give up his Wish.

Firmly he grasped the case in his hand and hugged it to his chest like something precious, and it was, it was the most precious thing he had, his only reason to live.

Around him the Sakura petals continued their descent like a blessing.

"I don't want to call my friends
For they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been

Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide

And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me

I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here"
(Dido - "Here With Me")

JJ's Notes:

1. This song is also popular in the version sung by Mariah Carey.

2. Somehow I got the impression Subaru-kun didn't like the idea that Seishiro could have said his wish to Fuma... Maybe, deep down, even Subaru might be jealous...

3. The whole dialogue is from 'Tokyo Babylon' Vol. 5 'Rebirth' and it's also the only moment in which we see Seishiro hugging Subaru from behind and Subaru being comfortable with it.

JJ's Extra Notes:
In Vol. 16 Seishiro's original sentence is:
'Now that I think about it... you... would never have been able to kill anyone... because... you're so kind... Subaru-kun... I... you...'.
If we're lucky and Clamp do for 'X' the same they did for 'RG Veda' we might discover the full quote before the end of the manga.
This is my guess about what Seishiro might have said. Since I've no enough Japanese knowledge the original sentence might be something different but with the same meaning. That is if I guessed right. Why do I think Seishiro should have said something similar? Merely due to the 3 last 'Tokyo Babylon' volumes (and to the fact that Clamp is too evil to have Seishiro saying something nice like 'I love you').
BTW have someone noticed how there are litterally tons of unexplained factors?
After Seishiro died the bridge crashed. Kamui saved Subaru but apparently they lost track of Seishiro's body. Fuma doesn't find the body either but find the eye in a Sakurazukamori case.
Who put it there? Seishiro was already dead, wasn't he? Or did he left the case to Fuma? And since when Fuma knows how to perform surgery and remove an eye? Not mentioning the case should be a good one since conserved the eye perfectly for one month... And it's not possible he found the eye wandering around without the body... the eye had no reasons to leave the body...
After one month Fuma met Subaru at Seishiro's house and offers him the eye.
Why after one month? Wasn't Subaru already enough broken hearted right after Seishiro's death? And since we're at it who gave them that address?
Subaru takes it and few later he shows up with a perfectly working eye to watch Karen and Seiichiro fight Nataku and Fuma.
I have only a name for this. Magic. You can't transplant an eye and have it working perfectly so fast.

Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-kun: Young
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Chi no Ryu: Dragon of Earth
Kekkai: Shield
Sakura: "Cherry Tree" or "Cherry Blossom"
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan
Ten no Ryu: Dragon of Heaven

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