I have been underestimating my life. I was concentrating only at pointless revenge. I sacrificed everything to repaid my tormentors with everything they did to me. I wanted them to hurt, feel how I felt. I thought Sebastian was my way to achieve it. How mistaken I was. I wanted him to be my sword and shield, do everything I couldn't on my order. How blind I was. With the time my anger began fadeing and I started see everything clearly. Then grief came. I spent many nights silently crying and breaking from inside. I knew I was weak and it was the last think I wanted to be. That day when I realised I need to be strong, I sweared to myself that I will never be attached to anyone, because feelings can destroy everyone far better than anything and I didn't want to be weak. I made a vow to never care, never love.
From that day I have been wearing a blank mask, hiding all my emotions. I hoped I will fool even myself. Everyone were easy deceived. They thought that it was trauma, reaction to my past, that I couldn't feel anymore and that it's better that way, because I am not hurt anymore. At the beginning they tried to make me smile, laught, be again happy. With the lack of my reaction, eventually they gave up all theirs attempts and accepted everything how it was and I was pleased that no one will discover real me.
Everyone except him.
He always knew, see throught my mask. Only he didn't change a bit. I knew he was to be reason of my death. I was cursed, but it wasn't wrong for me. Until I would have my revenge and protection it didn't matter what will be later. I trusted him with my life because only he was to be cause of its end, but not with my real self. I couldn't let him see my weakness. I couldn't let him see how broken I was. All people around stopped smiling in my company, I could see their embarassment as if I would disrespect them for their visible signs of emotions. I could see it in theirs eyes that they cared about me, but nothing could deny it that they didn't feel comfortable with me in the same room. So I let it be. I started avoid them and talk only if nessesery. But I wasn't completely alone. He kept my company even that it wasn't in our contract. I saw him shouting at servants, angry for their incompetency, despising actions of many people we met, bored by tasks I gave him. I saw him smile when he was happy, his smirks he tried to hide from me, his amusement when I tried to do something easy and fail and he needed to do it for me, his shining bloody red eyes, their softing when he was looking at me. I knew I shouldn't but when he was happy I was smiling too, with him. I just couldn't stop myself. I was cherishing every moment in his company, every chees game, every conversation, trip. He started to be this one person I was happy to see every morning I woke up and he were waiting for me with cup of fresh tea. My nightmares ended because I knew he will be with we whatever comes.
I realised I have fallen in love with my demon butler.
That thought terrified me, but I just couldn't stop. He was only thing keeping me from breaking, from death, and yet I knew he will cause it and cherish every moment of my end. I was scared, not because of death, only fact, that I will undoubtfully lose him. I didn't want even think that day like that will come so I tried to push it from my head and cherish every priceless moment I had. I wanted to leave my revenge, I could do anything only to keep him by my side, but I knew this was no option.
He wanted my soul as a meal. I meant nothing to him. I was human, another soul to collect and he was a demon obeying my orders only to get his prey at the end. I couldn't avoid something what was long time ago promised. Everyday in mirror I could see a proof of my the biggest mistake but also the best thing that happened in my life. Thought of coming day when contract will be fulfilled was hunting me in my dreams and eventually like all inevitables that day came.
Day before my sixteenth birthday we found our target and Sebastian killed the cause of my miserable childhood. He came back to me with smirk on his face, undoubtely thinking I was happy to get rid of my anemy. I wasn't happy to crush his beliefs. Only thing I could do was to smile sadly at him when single tear was rolling down my cheek. It was to be the biggest victory of my life but it was the last thing I could think about. I won a battle but I lost much more important war. It was end and I knew it.
Life is this one game you can't always win and you must accept it.
I did. Contract has been fulfilled from his part, now it was my turn. He saw my expression and his smile faded, byplaced by confusion and after a moment understanding when he realised actual sytuaction. I bowed my head, I didn't want to see satisfaction at his face that he could finally get rid of me. I felt his gently touch and he lifted my chin that I could look him in the eye. He smiled apologically at me, his eyes softened, almost as if he care but I knew it couldn't be true. Demons can't feel. We stood like that in silent understanding on bridge, surrounded by black sky full of shining stars. Below us was river reflecting all sky giving an impression as if it have no end, only border between up and down was line of city in fire in the distance. Fire, always present in my life.
The sight was beautifull, perfect like everything he ever had his part in. I handed to my pocket and took small white letter. I knew long time ago this day was coming and I wasn't unprepared. I bowed my head again and whispered: "Take it and read when it will be over or just drop it to this river, it's your choice. I just want you to..." I couldn't finish this sentence because I myself didn't know what I wanted to tell. Kiss me, love me, don't leave me? But I couldn't say it I didn't want to humilate myself before him, because he would laught me in my face and it would broke me even more." ...end it. This is my last order, Sebastian." He took letter from my hand, my eyes tracing every movement, and put it in his pocket. In one moment I hoped that maybe he will read it after all and felt lighter. With this thought I was free, I had nothing to hide anymore. The last secret I managed to hide from my demon will be discovered.
Bells in the nearest church rang midnight, I was sixteen now and yet I deserved everything what happened to me. I ordered to kill people without hestination and I will never regret it. I looked up at the only one important person in my life and felt ready for everything what future holds. I wanted save this image forever and knew it was the only thing keeping me on this world that long time so I closed my eyes that smiling love of my life would be the last sight I have seen. Serbastian bowed his head and I felt his hot breath at my ear when he whispered: "Yes, my lord, my Ciel." And then his lips were on mine and everything I could think was fire filling all my body. It hurted more than anything in my life but it was at least proof that I lived. His kiss was gently and his lips felt as if he could quench that fire inside me. I surrendered fully to this little touch of comfort he was giving to me and opened my eyes. I lost myself in his red irises, pain long time ago gone. There was only peace, calmness, and I felt slowly loosing control of my body and I would undoubtfull fell down if not his strong arms embrancing me. My vision went black just like the night sky. I was falling into nothingess with feeling of his lips on mine and sight of his smile reserved only for me.
Death can be beautiful.