There's a theory that in the city of Tokyo there is a store that sold anything you want. Not just the latest designer watch or sports car - though of course Tokyo has those too - but things like exotic food, that vintage toy you always wanted… or something perhaps a bit more out of the ordinary. It wasn't as though it were openly advertised, but the city was a good place to dabble in magic if you knew where to look and who to ask. See your future? Easy. Love potions? Lots of fakes but the genuine article could be had too. Whatever your need, someone had it.
Mr. Fuijnami was a man with a very specific need. He'd spent weeks wandering, reading and finally just asking around for what he was after. He'd been shooed out of places, chased by the police and had some very pointed questions asked of him by his son, but the trail had finally led him to a small shop in the corner of Akihabara sandwiched in between a 'build it yourself' computer store and a rather extravagant boutique for crossdressers.
The door opened with the ring of a bell, before falling on the floor as Mr. Fujinami boldly stepped inside. The interior was dusty and piled with bric-a-brac. He took a moment to look for any sign of staff and, finding none, took a deep breath and proceeded to lose his patience. "Hey! Can I get some service in here?" he bellowed.
A middle-aged man hurriedly rushed into the room from the storeroom in the back. "We're closed, go away!"
Mr. Fujinami gave the shopkeeper a cold stare. One of the coldest he could ever manage, the kind he usually used on bill collectors and those who insisted on his son being drawing into the disgusting deviancy of being a woman.
The shopkeeper shrank back from Mr. Fujinami's gaze. Still, he showed defiance in his face. "I said, we're closed!"
"The door was open." Mr. Fujinami replied. "Therefore the shop is open, isn't it?"
The shopkeeper looked at the door, forced off its hinges. "Smashing down our door doesn't mean our shop is open!"
"Really?" Mr. Fujinami asked, as if he had accidentally left the kettle on and didn't realise it. "I didn't realise. But I'm looking for something for my son. Something like the famous Sexuality Remote, that I have heard is for sale in this very store."
The shopkeeper stared at him, and then trudged back into the store room. After a few minutes, he returned, holding a small mahogany box. Setting it on the glass counter in front of Fujinami, he opened it, revealing what seemed to be an ordinary TV remote. The only thing different were the markings: on the bottom was a logo of a ring formed of several interlocking symbols for male and female, each symbol a different rotation and shade of either blue or pink, but none exactly the same. The markings under the various buttons also were different, with buttons marked "Homo", "Hetero", "Bi", "Pan, and so on, and "Soft Butch", "High Femme", "Frat Boy", "Genderfuck" and so long.
Mr. Fujinami's eyes gleamed upon seeing the remote, even as the rest of his face belied no actual expression at all. The gleam disappeared quickly as the shopkeeper furtively closed the box again.
"And that's all you're getting of it!" The shopkeeper said. "This remote is not for sale. It's too dangerous to be in the hands of somebody like you. I won't part with this thing, even if you slapped me with a wad of bills!"
There was a pause for a moment.
"How about if I come over and break your fingers, one by one, until you gave it me for free?" Mr. Fujinami asked. "If you're still not willing after that, we can work on the toes, next. Followed by the hands..."
"Would you like it gift-wrapped?" The shopkeeper asked quickly.
The next morning at Tomobiki High School was somewhat quiet and subdued. People walked to school in a relatively normal fashion, the cool spring breeze fluttering through their hair. There were no mad rushes to beat the bell, no random outbreaks of violence, no curious events that would invariably be traced back to Ataru Moroboshi, his fiancée, or his friends and rivals. Even Ataru Moroboshi himself was walking to school in a rather sedate manner, Lum floating by his side.
To those who were used to the everyday mania that usually enveloped the district of Tomobiki, this was a sign that something was very, very wrong. Either that, or something particularly bad was going to happen today.
Mr. Fujinami didn't walk to school with the same sedate feeling. This was mostly because he didn't need to walk to school, as he already lived there with his son Ryuunosuke. But if he did need to walk to school, he would've been walking there with a purpose set firmly in mind.
His attempts to try and cure Ryuunosuke of his perverted urge to try and become a woman when he got back to Tomobiki was frustrated by the lack of AA batteries that the Remote that the shopkeeper had conveniently forgotten to include with his purchase. By the time he finally managed to get a hold of some batteries from a lost Walkman, his son was already in bed.
The next morning, Ryuunosuke was already out the door towards class, without even stopping to eat breakfast or even pick up his lunch. Mr, Fujinami was forced to prepare the Remote without even knowing if it was effective or not.
But instead of stewing in his frustrations with his son's bride Nagisa, Mr. Fujinami decided to test the remote on someone else before class began, and then wait for lunchtime if he was satisfied. Then he would ambush Ryuunosuke and give him a good dose of medicine, consisting of the power of the Sexuality Remote. And then, he would have the son he always wanted.
Nagisa, for his part, was only happy to clean up the room and make the bed while his father in law was busy having another laughing fit. It wouldn't be a wife's place to point out that maybe his "son" was avoiding him because of his constant cackling ever since he got back all the way from Akihabara. Besides, he was starting to feel that maybe Ryuunosuke would be better off keeping her distance from him.
Suddenly, the fit of laughter stopped, and Mr. Fujinami turned to Nagisa. "Nagisa-chan, if you would watch the store for me a moment..." He then sprinted headlong out of the room, still laughing maniacally.
Nagisa stood in the school store, confused. "Oh, okay."
It didn't take long before Mr. Fujinami found a suitable victim: the weedy little toad with glasses that always hung around those weirdoes Ataru and Lum like a bad smell. He walked down the halls towards the class, his three dumb friends in tow, oblivious of the fact that somebody might have been watching them. There he was, talking about his beloved Lum-san, the woman that he had attached himself to like such a nasty parasite.
Like a particularly persistent flea-no, a barnacle, the kind that still clings to rocks and laughs at the sea's most exhaustive attempts at removing it, mocking the sea, mocking him with his unsightly appearance... The injustice of it all, that such a creature would be found in something as beautiful and as all encompassing as the sea!
This would not go on any longer, Mr. Fujinami knew. He would be the one to pry the barnacles from the rocks, freeing the sea from its most disgusting presence.
He sprang in front of the guards, whipping his remote out from the waistband of his pants. "You, with the glasses! For the sake and the honour of the sea, I have come to give you JUSTICE!" He jammed his thumb down on the button marked "Gay", pointing the remote squarely at Megane, who was still standing dumbfounded in front of him.
It all happened in the space of a second: the light at the front of the remote lit up, a glowing red that crackled like lightning from Lum's fingertips, before a blinding beam flashed out and struck Megane squarely in the chest. Megane only had the chance to scream as he was sent flying backwards, landing square on his back.
Megane's friends looked back at Megane's smoking body, and then back at Mr. Fujinami. They scattered, running for their lives to the classroom.
Mr Fujinami blew off the smoke that wafted from the tip of the remote, and then made his way over to Megane, hauling him up and slapping him hard across the face several times, until he was sufficiently lucid enough.
"W-what just happened?!" Megane shrieked, struggling as he was held in Mr. Fujinami's grip.
"Oh, never mind that." Mr. Fujinami said dismissively. "Tell me: what do you feel for Lum-san at this moment?"
Megane stared at Mr. Fujinami. "What are you even talking about-"
Mr Fujinami cut Megane off with a another slap to the face. "Just tell me, do you love her or not!"
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Megane screamed. "I don't feel anything for Lum-san!"
Mr. Fujinami dropped Megane, letting him collapse to the floor again. "The remote does work! My son can finally be cured of his twisted fixations! This is the day I've been waiting for!"
He sprinted down the hall, laughing madly, leaving Megane sprawled on the floor.
Megane, for his part, was confused. Why did he say that about Lum-san. His beloved Lum-san?
His... beloved... Lum-san?
When Megane stumbled into the classroom several seconds later, he was pleased to find that at least Mr. Fujinami wasn't still around the school, trying to ambush him again. Unfortunately, that was pretty much the only thing he could conceivably be pleased about at that moment.
Something felt strange within Megane. He felt like ever since Mr. Fujinami zapped him, something was taken from his life, leaving nothing but a gaping hole in his soul. A vast yawning chasm, a dark void in the middle of him that seemed to suck all the light from around him, making him feel empty. He tried watching his beloved Lum-san, but it seemed that even the shine was gone from her too. Instead of the feeling of beauty and light that she brought, Megane felt nothing.
And that was the worst thing of all, that nothing, a tangible absence of what he used to have. Megane could feel the cold sweat breaking out on his forehead, as he realised that something had become invariably wrong. His eyes scanned the room, desperately wondering, looking for a way to fill the hole that had been punched through him.
And then, at his most desperate moment, sitting at his desk realising that he has been made a shell of himself, that Shutarou Mendou walked into the room.
Megane never considered himself a scholar, not when he had all of the wonders that his VCR and Laserdisc player granted him, alone in his room at night. Even so, he dabbled in a few things, such as stories of Greek myth following his first viewing of Clash of the Titans. The sight of Mendou stepping into the room, the shafts of sunlight catching his black hair, as black as a raven's wing at midnight, brought forth images of those stories he read of beautiful men the Gods fought over jealously to possess, and cursed them because of their beauty.
And before he could stop himself, one such name, that of the man beloved of both Aphrodite and Persephone, tumbled from Megane's lips as Mendou looked his way: "Adonis!"
It was like magic: Megane could practically see Mendou covered in nothing but a shawl, lyre in hand. Or maybe like Narcissus, staring at his own image in the water, transfixed, wearing naught but a loose drape over his slim body-
Megane mentally slapped himself and tore his gaze from Mendou. Where did that come from? He knew that Mendou was a very attractive man, but to fantasise so vividly? The cold sweat on his brow only grew as he looked over at Lum again. She was still so carefree and beautiful, sitting there gazing out towards the window, but still she seemed to have dulled within his sight. It seemed that all interest in Lum had quickly faded, replaced with...
Replaced with...
Megane rose from his seat, emitting a loud wail of despair, clutching and tearing at his constricting uniform. The other students turned to look at him, those closer to him trying to edge away, as he sobbed and screamed, and then collapsed on the floor, tucking his legs and arms close to his body and rolling back and forth.
Everyone stared at Megane in confusion. Already, talk started to rise up between the other students.
"What's gotten into him?"
"Did his TV break or something?"
"Did he forget to pick up some photos?"
"Did he realise Lum's just not into him?"
Only Mendou, being Mendou, pushed forward and tried to approach Megane carefully. Though he tried to put on a friendly face, it wasn't hard to notice the sheathed katana at his hip.
"Megane!" Mendou began, as he started to step closer. "What's wrong with you? What's going on?"
Megane paused in his fit of despair, his head rising up to stare at Mendou with wild eyes. "Mendou... My Adonis!" He scrambled away from Mendou, his back arching out like a frightened cat.
Mendou stared at Megane, partly in sympathy, and partly in confusion as he didn't exactly know what an Adonis was. Unlike Megane, he wasn't much for trying to be well-read, as it was much easier for him to seem well-read than otherwise.
"What are you talking about, Megane?" Mendou asked, taking another step closer. "I'm trying to help you here, aren't I?" As he took closer and closer, Megane seemed to look more fearful. "Is this about Lum-san again? Come on, you can tell me."
"Lum-san..." Megane said, his eyes only seeming to get wilder. "Something wrong... Something in me is gone..."
Mendou stared at Megane. "What kind of delusional junk are you talking about now?"
Megane said nothing, but his eyes were flitting across the room.
Mendou scowled and walked up to Megane. "Now I mean it, stop this stupidity right-" He squawked as Megane suddenly leapt onto him, arms wrapped around his waist. The full weight made him lean backwards, dangerously off balance.
"Mendou-san!" Megane wailed, right next to Mendou's ear. "I can't help myself! Ever since this morning, something strange has taken a hold of me!"
Mendou flailed desperately as Megane clung to him, his ear ringing. He braced his arms against Megane and pushed roughly, but he was deceptively strong for such a skinny guy.
The other classmates stared as the struggle went on. They knew Megane usually wasn't this hysterical, at least where Lum wasn't involved. But to be this manic towards Mendou? Murmurs began to run among the crowd as Mendou struggled against Megane.
"Get off me, you nutcase!" Mendou bellowed. "Before I have to draw my sword!"
"I can't!" Megane wailed. "I can't ever let you go! I love you!"
Now it was Mendou's turn to react badly. "You WHAT?!" He shrieked, loud enough to cause a ringing in Megane's ear. His sword slipped from his side, landing with a clatter on the floor.
"I said I LOVE you!" Megane screamed back. "Ever since you have walked in this room, I have loved you! Your beauty has eclipsed Lum-san totally, like the beauty of those favoured by the Gods of Olympus! My Narcissus! My Adonis! My Hyacinthos!"
Mendou began to struggle more desperately now, wild panic in his eyes. "No! Get off of me! I don't want to be your Nausicaa, your Hollandaise, or your Hyaku Shiki! I demand you unhand me!"
Lum floated up behind Megane silently, and cracked him on the back of his head with a small mallet. He slumped down on the floor, his grip on Mendou broken.
Mendou skittered backwards, slamming his back against the wall. His uniform jacket came loose in the struggle, and his hair was all in disarray. "What in the name of hell had gotten into him?!"
"Beats me," Lum said. "But he said it was ever since this morning. Maybe somebody got to him before he got to class?"
Ataru was already behind Megane, tying up his arms and legs with rope. "Whatever happened to him, we best be on our guard. You can never be too sure where the next crazy shit is gonna fly in from around here."
"I agree. You can never be too sure." Mr. Fujinami said, from atop a random student's desk. Said random student looked up and was about to demand what he was doing on his desk, but got a foot to his face instead.
The other students turned around as one to face Mr. Fujinami, holding the remote in his hand. His eyes quickly scanned the room, seeking out Ryuunosuke, locking on to her with laser focus.
"Ryuunosuke, it's time for me to cure you of your delusions of femininity forever!" He pointed the remote at Ryuunosuke, and mashed the button marked "Frat Boy". The blinding beam shot out from the tip of the remote, arcing over to strike...
...the chair where Ryuunosuke was sitting a moment earlier.
Mr. Fujinami barely had time to blink before Ryuunosuke's foot struck his face, sending him flying off the desk and into the nearby wall.
"What do you mean by 'delusions of femininity'?! I AM a girl!"
Some of the students moved around Ryuunosuke, trying to form a defensive wall against her father. Various objects such as school books, chairs, desks, mallets and bicycle chains were brandished as Mr. Fujinami rose to his feet.
Ataru and Mendou stood in front of Mr. Fujinami. Mendou picked up his sword from the floor, pulling it free from the scabbard. "Whatever it is you're planning on doing to Ryuunosuke-san, you won't get to do it!" Mendou said.
"Yeah," Ataru added. "If you want her, you're going to have to go through all of us!"
Mr. Fujinami looked at the class, standing before him, weapons brandished and fire in their eyes.
"Very well then."
The remote blazed as he zapped Ataru and Mendou, sending them tumbling to the floor, before taking out several of the students in front. Ryuunosuke leapt from the desk she stood on as several beams struck it, bouncing off and striking some of the other students, before trying another flying kick at her father.
The two battled, Ryuunosuke managing to dodge the beams of the remote while Mr. Fujinami dodged her attacks, managing to keep his distance from his daughter. As the fight raged on, those not downed from the remote scattered, using the desks as cover.
"I don't know what you think you can do," Ryuunosuke snarled. "I'm not going to let myself be a part of your crazy schemes! You're not getting anything from me!"
Mr. Fujinami's eyes widened, and he suddenly pointed behind Ryuunosuke. "Look, somebody's dropped a bra that's just your size!"
Ryuunosuke looked behind her, just long enough for Mr. Fujinami to strike. The beam struck her full on the back of her head, and she crumpled down to the floor.
"I've done it!" Mr. Fujinami crowed. "Now Ryuunosuke will be a true man among men!"
"What are you talking about?!" Lum shouted, peeking up from behind a desk. "What did you do to her? What did you do to my Darling?!"
"Oh, nothing much," Mr. Fujinami said. "I just used the legendary Sexuality Remote to change his personality to something more suitable for someone I would call my son. And as for your little Darling..." He motioned over to Ataru's prone body, a sleazy grin on his face. "I'm sure you'll find him to be very different when he wakes up..."
Lum stared at Mr. Fujinami, the electricity crackling around her. "How dare you hurt my Darling, you scum!"
Mr. Fujinami fired another beam from the Remote, and Lum promptly dropped down to the floor, unconscious. "Well, at least you won't have to wait to find out what it does now..."
As the door slid open and Onsen-Mark stepped inside to begin his class, he turned around. "Ah, teacher. Please excuse the mess. I was just settling something with my boy. I'll let you get on with your lesson now." He swiftly exited the now trashed classroom, leaving the stunned teacher to survey the mess.
Onsen-Mark stared at the wreckage of the classroom. "Wuh... what the hell just happened?!" He stuttered out.