Title: The Phoenix

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.

AN: Ok, so I've changed things.

Summary: Blair has her own secrets and now she decides she has had enough. She goes away and comes back changed with a new look and a new look on life. Will Nate win her back; does he even fit in her life anymore?

CHAPTER 1

Leaving and Promises

Lines, tons of lines against smooth unblemished skin. Some faint while some angry disgustingly, raw and fresh.

'I guess these will scar.' She runs her hands over her own guilty pleasure.. It began years ago the only difference now is that now it was done with a razer. When she first started, hair pulling was her thing that was until her mother found a small bald patch. 'That just wouldn't do, mother might start to suspect something.' So she began to strategically place them places where no one would see them even if she was down to her bra and panties. They cluttered my hiding spots, I was running out of space in my hiding spots.

They were my savior.

It's better than having a eating disorder or a drug habit. 'I'm not hurting anyone and it's not like I'm killing myself.' It took the pressure off me and eased the pain. Nate has his marijuana and Serena well she doesn't have a big enough heart to feel anything.

'I guess we all have our self destructive tendencies.' Maybe it was the cost of living life as an Upper East Side It Girl. Some people turned into tramps(male or female), some druggies, some your garden variety potheads, and then there was the ever so common barf (I carry a tooth brush in my purse and its not to brush my teeth) queens.

I kept my habits to myself. No one knew how could they. Girls thought I was the common variety two crackers a day girl while guys thought I was a prude or a frigid bitch. They would never guess my secret and I would never tell. I'd gotten used to the fact that I'd most likely become a high society hostess wife. In all likely hood I would end up married to Nate. He would have his affairs and I would spend my time killing my children's self-esteem and planning charity events.

Yale was my only way out of this self-indulgence world that I lived in. I could leave and find meaning in my other wise empty life. I might actually find someone who was faithful to me and me alone. Someone who didn't have issues or smoke pot on a regular basis just to feel better. I could take care of my children and make them feel loved with out the guilt trips and my children might actually keeping their self-esteem intact.

Thats why I was going to do a charity program it was like three months long and over summer break so it wouldn't interfere with school not to mention colleges love volunteer work. It would set me apart; not many It Girls actually get their hands dirty. Colleges loved sappy crap like that, a few photos and an essay over how it changed my life would be my ticket into the prestigious world of Yale. Yale was my ticket to independence and freedom.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Hey, whats with the bags, going to visit your father," he asked as he flopped down onto the bed.

"No Nate, I'm going on a charity program,"she said not even looking up as she jerked a shirt out from under him and stuffed it into she designer duffel bag ( you'd be surprised what you can find).

"How long is this program," he asked raising an eyebrow at her passive display of anger.

"Three months," still not meeting his eyes as she continued packing.

His eyebrows raised, he was surprised I was actually doing something charitably other that fashion shows.

"And what am I supposed to do until then."

"I don't know why don't you call Serena or Jenny and ask them free to screw around with. They are open to just about anything , or so I've heard. Of course you would know all about that wouldn't you." she hissed with all the anger the had held over the past months. He'd broken her heart one to many times and now it seemed he'd broken her for good. Before she found out about Serena he had always been her stability he made her feel good. Now all he did was make her feel ugly, not good enough, and stupid. Yet, she came back time after time and took the pain and the betrayal.

He was shock by her display of anger because for the past few months he had gotten used to her passive nature and he was shocked to see her actually angry. He knew he was a bastard and he took advantage of her passive nature and her need for him. He cheated on her and he knew she would take him back and make him feel loved like no other. He'd broken the love of his life to screw the girl he lusted after and a naive schoolgirl with great tits. She didn't laugh with a small almost unnoticeable snort, her laugh was forced and fake; she didn't argue with him she just gave in.

"Don't look so shocked. Its not like you or your girls hide it, your just practicing for marriage right. Working on your excuses for the little miss 'Sorry, hon I was working late at the office.' its perfect, really, you practice on me and get ready for the really thing." She was beyond angry now she was in a down right rage now. She was sick in tired of people walk all over her: first her mother, then Serena, and now Nate. She was out of here for good come graduation.

"Blair you know that's not true. I've just made some mistakes, we can work things out." He said trying convince her to stay , he knew he need Blair a lot more that she needed him. He was just hopping she hadn't figured it out yet.

"No, I will not become my mother. I will have a husband that is faithful and have emotionally stable children.'" She was breaking down now she was actually crying . She hadn't cried in months and now that the flood gate were opened there was not turning back not.

"I could be that, we could have that. Please stop! I'm sorry I'll do better! Please stay with me." He never actually believed that she would leave him and now that he realized she might actually, he was desperate. He wasn't prepared for this, he could feel tears starting to run down his face. He need her and she might actually leave him. He tried to reach out to her, but she just jerked away from him.

"No, I think you should leave,"she said finally getting a hold of herself.

"Blair, NO. Please just give me one more chance," he said grabbing her face and brought her lips to his hopping to change her mind. She gave a little bit then regained her self-control. She loved him but he was not good for her.

"No, Nate. I have to get better and you have to grow up and find out what you really want. If you really want me then in three months we'll see what happens." She lied through her teeth. She had already made up her mind, she stopped believing in his love for her long ago. She thought this was it for them. But when she looked up into his eyes she saw something, a spark of determination. She tried to shake it off but it stuck out in the back of her mind.

He grabbed her face again and kissed her with so much passion and desperation she almost gave in again. When he let her go he said in a husky voice," I will win you back, NO matter what it takes."

After one last mind blowing kiss he left her recovering from the passion that she hadn't felt in so long. She was beginning to think there might still be a chance.