Rorschach's Journal,
June 20th, 1970
Standing on the sidewalk… this hopeless sidewalk. Waiting for something, someone… to change me.
I hold my breath until the sun comes, waiting in the dark shadows of the skyscrapers. Waiting for that day to come, the day that someone finally sees me for me… the day that someone can look me in the eye and tell me that they care.
This… day. It seems to take forever to arrive. But someday… I know it will. And once it does… I can finally die… die in peace, die in happiness, die knowing that my life wasn't a total waste of time.
All that waiting… all that hoping… all that wishing. It didn't go to waste.
He came from a dream. He came from my mind. He came from the sky.
But how could he have ended up with me? I ask myself that all the time. Luck? Fate? Or… maybe he's just a waste of time. But I've wasted so much time… waiting… waiting for this exact person to show up in my life. It must be fate. Because I don't feel like I have much time left.
He speaks to me softly. He speaks to me with interest. He looks at me with friendship in his eyes. And he smiles at me, like he's happy to be in my presence. He shook my hand like I was worth it. And he treats me… like a person.
I've met no one else like him. I feel I can tell him anything. I feel I can express all my thoughts and feelings to him. But I can't. I open my mouth… but the words stay jammed inside. So much I want to say… but can't say. I'm trapped and he's the only one who could ever free me. Yet still… I stay locked in chains. And it hurts. So much pain inside me. There's a fire growing. I want him to just hold me and tell me it's all going to be alright. He's everything I've wished for… hoped for. Wanted. Needed. I have him… but he's not mine.
The way his words melt my heart. The way his voice sings a beautiful tune. And the way he walks… he glides through the air. It's the way I like it.
But I feel I don't deserve it. He's too good for me. He'll never be mine… but that's alright. As long as I can walk with him, talk with him, look at him, and be near him everyday. That's all I need… that's all I want… and that's all I can have.
These feelings… they came like a speeding bullet and they knocked me to the ground. And I died in the arms of love.
There are moments that I almost slip my feelings to him. But then I stop myself…knowing it would just ruin our friendship. And then what would I have? Nothing. So I keep quiet… I talk to him in my head… and I imagine him feeling how I feel. But that's only a dream.
On the outside… I'm hiding behind a mask. Literally and metaphorically. He can't see who I really am… I put on a show. I'm a character named Rorschach. I play a dark vigilante in pursuit of nasty villains. I'm against all thoughts of love and sex. I take all my anger and deep thoughts out on my victims. And I am a completely emotionless badass.
On the inside I'm just a man. Walter Kovacs. Afraid. Traumatized. And full of emotions just waiting to be exposed. But which one am I? I'll never know. But I know one thing… I love my best friend.
He'll never know. No one will ever know. I'm too good at hiding it. Why do I hide it? Because I know I can never achieve the goal of being Walter Kovacs. He's too destroyed… too hard to cope with. I'd end up killing myself. I need to put on a strong cover… a hard shell to protect myself… to keep myself alive and at least 1 percent sane.
And I know Rorschach doesn't deserve a man like Daniel. He's sweet and caring. He's perfect inside and out. Rorschach is a mess… a wanted man that no one wants to be seen with. A sociopathic, crazy mess. And it's impossible to clean him up.
So both of me… Walter and Rorschach. We're both destined to fall… destined to a horrid life. But I chose Rorschach cus' I think he'll keep me alive a little longer.
So I keep Daniel as my friend… I call him my friend. But at night, when I go to sleep, or in the owl ship with nothing to do… I think about him… I think about what could be… what should be… but can't. I think about what it would only be like to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him. And then I wake up knowing that it will never happen.
But then I think… at least he's there. At least I can see him. At least I can talk to him. And the sooner I get out of bed, the sooner it will all come true. And that's enough for me.
If that's how it has to be… then I'm ok. And together we walk, together we talk, together we fly... and together, we own the sky.