Ruantum Reap
by Rob Morris
(Writer's note: This is *not* meant to be the most sophisticated team-up ever. Quite the contrary, it contains the kind of mistakes that one would find on a Saturday morning cartoon in 1973. To quote the three masters: You should really just relax)
(As the scene opens, we see the Mystery Machine driving in an isolated marsh area)
Fred: Just think, guys. Soon we'll be at the haunted riverboat, investigating the mystery of The Eerie Admiral.
Shaggy: Well, I can sure wait. Hey, is like the Eeerie Admiral from Lake Eerie?
(Laughs at his own joke; Velma frowns)
Velma: Can it, you goofball. The Eeerie Admiral has actually made people disappear. And all of them were noted scientists.
Shaggy: Like, as long as they were noted--we can just read their notes!
Scooby: Reah--read reir rotes! Eeehehehehheeeeee.
Daphne: Guys, I'm with our two resident cowards. If smart people like that can disappear, then where does that leave us? We need help!
Shaggy: Well, I need to make some food disappear.
Velma: Now, that's hardly a trick. The only mystery with you and Scooby is where all that food goes.
Shaggy: Like, it can go where it wants to. So long as we keep it coming!
(Shaggy yelps)
Shaggy: Like, my leg! The Eeerie Admiral is chowing down on me---goodbye Scoob.
(We see Scooby is gently chewing on Shaggy's ankle)
Shaggy: Oh, that's like great, Scooby Doo. Just munch down on your old pal anytime you feel like it.
Scooby: Ranks--Ri Rill! (Chuckles)
(They arrive at the haunted riverboat)
Fred: Wow--this place is really giving off some bad vibes.
Velma: (Atypically scared) Maybe Shag and Scoob have got the right idea on this one.
(The riverboat looks no more creepy than normal; Shag+Scoob look confused)
Shaggy: Uh, like guys? I don't wanna go in there. But it just doesn't look like the worst thing I've ever seen.
Scooby: Rah! Ri've reen rots rorse!
Daphne: How can you two, of all people, say that? This place makes me want to jump out of my skin.
Shaggy: Well, since the cowards seem to be winning out, this time--I vote we leave this smokey place be.
Scooby: Ri Recond Rat Rerotion!
Fred: I have a feeling we might not get out of this one. Let's clear out, gang.
Daphne: Uh-huh!
Velma: And how!
Shaggy: (Smiling) Scoob--like, we're finally getting our way for once!
Scooby: Rell, rits rarout rime!
(But then, Scooby's ears perk up)
Scooby: Romeone's roming!
Daphne: Scooby, there's no one here.
Velma: I knew all those monster-size sandwiches would have side effects at some point.
Fred: (pointing) No, he's right. Look!
(We see a man forming inside a piece of blue light; It is Sam Beckett)
(Shaggy jumps into Scooby's arms)
Scooby: Row, Reja Ru!
Shaggy: We like, didn't clear out soon enough! It's The Eerie Admiral!
Velma: No! It's Doctor Sam Beckett, the famous time traveler.
Daphne: Wow, you mean the man from Project Quantum Leap?
Fred: I've read all about him. He leaps from life to life, seeking to make right that which once went wrong.
Shaggy: But like, why is he here? We don't need a stitch in the nick of time rescue. We're heading home--or at least away from the Eerie Admiral's pad.
(Sam is drawn in that early 70's style, ala Dick Van Dyke and other Scooby guests)
Sam: Hi, gang. I'm here to make sure you solve the mystery of The Eerie Admiral. In the original history, you got scared off.
Shaggy: Well, I happen to like the original history just fine. Like, no offense, Doctor Beckett, but we see enough of these kind of places without your help.
Velma: Doctor, why didn't you just Quantum Leap into one of us?
Fred: Yeah. You could have even gone into Scooby, if what I hear is correct.
Scooby: Rinto Re? Ro Ranks! RI'm rot rat rungry!
Shaggy: Like no, Scoob! You would have gone to his time, while he stayed here, looking and sounding like you.
Sam: Well, guys, sometimes nowadays I leap as myself. I couldn't afford to have one of you thinking the other was just acting strangely. This one is important. We need to work together. Ziggy says that what occurs here will affect millions of kids.
Velma: Ziggy is Doctor Beckett's groovy super-computer. I read about it in Time-Travel Traveler Magazine.
Sam: I have *got* to tell Gooshie not to give those interviews to Bill and Ted!
(Through a doorway, Al appears; Scooby looks)
Scooby: Rho's Rat?
Shaggy: Like, who's who, Scooby Doo?
Fred: There's no one there besides Doctor Beckett, Scoob.
Daphne: I think he's had one Scooby snack too many.
Sam: Scooby sees my friend, Al Calavicci. He's the Project Observer, back at Quantum Leap. He exists in the form of a hologram that only I can see and hear. But animals can also see him.
Al: Animals...and certain *other* people. I'm surprised that Shaggy can't see me, given that.
Scooby: (Annoyed) Rey, Ratch It, Ruddy! Raggy's ry riend----rut I Row Rat Ru Rean.
(Al looks over; Sees Daphne)
Al: Oh, Sam! You're here with--with--with Daphne! Oh, there is something about the early 70's that just did something for a woman that did something for a man that could really lead to....something.
Sam: (Embarassed) Al....says Hi, Daphne.
Velma: Doctor Beckett, we can't go in the haunted riverboat. It's too creepy.
Sam: But you guys have solved mysteries much worse than this, and in worse looking places.
Fred: Doctor Beckett--can't you feel the bad vibes this place is giving off?
Sam: Bad vibes? I haven't heard anyone use that phrase in...No, as a matter of fact, I do feel bad vibes. Scooby?
Scooby: Res, Roctor Reckett?
Sam: Just call me Sam. And give me a hair from your head.
(Smiling, Scooby plucks out a thick, long hair; hands it to Sam; It vibrates)
Daphne: I've seen Scooby's hair stand on end before, but this is ridiculous!
Sam: Fred--give me your van's tire gauge.
(Fred does; Sam puts the gauge and hair together--sparks ensue)
Shaggy: Like, no wonder I hate to check the tire pressure.
Velma: It's not the gauge, Shag. Someone is flooding this area with strong but subtle levels of static electricity. That's what's making this place feel so creepy.
Fred: Wow. Whoever's hiding something here is sure clever. We just thought it was our nerves giving out.
(Above them; The Eerie Admiral appears)
Eerie: Leave this place!!!
(Shaggy stares and blinks)
Shaggy: Like, its just a cardboard cut-out. Heck, I'm a professional coward, and even I'm not scared by that.
Sam: It's all the power of suggestion, Shaggy. By making this place seem creepier than it was, whoever set all this up wanted you and whoever else came here to be so panicked, by the time you saw the cut-out, you'd be running like crazy.
Shaggy: But it's like I said. This place isn't all that creepy.
Fred: You and Scooby are so used to being scared, those tricks didn't even get your attention.
Scooby: Ry at-rension ris ray rown! Eeeeheheheheheheee.
Al: Just what I need. A canine Henny Youngman.
Velma: Well, I guess we're going onto that riverboat. Shaggy, I'll lead the way, and then you.....
(But Shaggy merely pushes the door open with his foot; a straw-man appears, shrieks; Shaggy is nonplussed)
Shaggy: (Grabs straw) This guy is strictly an amateur. He didn't even put markings on the scarecrow's face. Noooo workmanship.
Fred: Shagg and Scoob--you go---
Al: Sam--why not let me take Scooby around? He's the only one besides you that can tell I'm here.
Sam: Good idea, Al. Fred--Scooby should go with Al. They can both get back to us the quickest, if they find anything
Shaggy: Like, I once had an invisible friend--but my folks made me make him go away.
Fred: Ok, then. Velma--you go with Daphne and Shag. Sam's with me. Since this ghost seems to be more science than sorcery, that'll mean both groups will have someone who can tell the difference.
(Sam and Fred descend into the boat's lower levels)
Fred: Sam, why did you start your experiments to begin with? Isn't it true that you can't return home?
Sam: Well, the jury's still out on that one, Fred. But if I am stuck, this is the life I prefer to be stuck in.
Fred: But going all around, helping out total strangers just because? What kind of life is that?
Sam: (Smiles) I could ask you kids the same thing.
(All of a sudden, Sam points to a handrail on the wall. Fred grabs hold)
Fred: Keep walking?
Sam: Keep walking.
(The floor gives way, but they stay safely up and on the edge)
Fred: You sure called that one. Now what?
Sam: Now--we wait. We hold back for the others, in case they get trapped.
(Shaggy is deftly avoiding trap doors, swinging walls, and almost smiling as he does)
Shaggy: Like, this is almost insulting. The ghost-noises have no timing, the traps are obvious.
Velma: Shaggy, suppose one of those floors has spikes underneath it?
Daphne: I like Swiss Cheese on crackers--not me.
Shaggy: Oh no, girls. Like, floors that have spikes underneath would have to be reallly heavy wood. Otherwise, we could just run off and get away.
Velma: Since when are you so logical?
Shaggy: Hey, like, when someone doesn't do their homework, I can spot it, and I call em' like I see em.
(Shaggy pushes them back, and pushes over a vase. A cage descends, and then falls through the floor)
Shaggy: Like I said---this kook doesn't know from ghosts.
Daphne: What now?
Velma: Let's join Sam and Freddy in the lower levels. That's probably closest to the bottom of all this. Errr---yeah.
(On the ship's upper levels, Al and Scooby look about; Scooby looks in cabinets and closets; Al walks right through them)
Scooby: Rothing rere.
Al: Yeah, I'm not spotting anything either, Scooby. No wait--I take that back.
(Grabs the Eerie Admiral cut-out; Scooby eyes it with suspicion)
Scooby: Roo rar rey rying ru rid? Rat ring's a rig rony! Rit rouldn't reven rare re--rand ri righten reasily!
Al: (grabs his head) Ziggy, use the handlink to translate Scooby's speech for me, okay? No offense, Scoob--but I need to filter out the 'R's.
Scooby: Rorry, Al.
Al: Well, when you consider that most dogs can't talk--no need to be sorry. Say, how did you learn to talk, anyway?
Scooby: Ratching Rastro on The Retsons.
Al: Ask a silly question...
(In this instance, the entire floor pulls away, Scooby grabs a ceiling beam; Al is unaffected)
Scooby: Reeeeeelllpp!!!
Al: (Looks at handlink) Hang on, Scooby-Doo. Ziggy says that the floor should come back any time---now!
Scooby: (Drops onto solid floor) Phew! Rat ras rose! (Starts to growl)
Al: (Puts hands up) Hey, don't growl at me, you kooky canine!
Scooby: Ri'm rot rowling rat ru---rook!
(He points out and then opens a closet with a series of complex levers and gears)
Al: Good boy, Scoob! No ghost made this. Okay--grab something to throw in here.
(Scooby comes back with a tray of silverware in his mouth)
Scooby: Rike ris?
Al: It'll do, Doo. Now throw it in.
(The turning gears grind to a halt)
Scooby: Roo rad re ron't rave a ronkey rench.
Al: It's like horseshoes and hand grenades, Scooby. Close is close enough. Now you head for Fred, while I have Ziggy lock me in on Sam.
(Scooby's legs spin and run downstairs while Al vanishes)
(In the lower levels, all are reunited)
Fred: Well, for once, we managed to avoid being captured.
Daphne: Yeah, but now what? We still don't have a single major clue as to what's going on here.
Velma: It's like every good detective story. Until the private eye gets conked on the head, they never find out anything.
Shaggy: Well, no one's conkin' me on my soft noggin! Why don't we just ask Sam what to do? He's, like, from the future. So he knows how this all turns out.
Al: Bad idea, Sam. Ziggy says these kids have good instincts, and if you tell them anything, it'll dilute their skills and their confidence.
Sam: Not a problem, Al. Guys--I couldn't tell you anything if I wanted to.
Fred: Why not, Sam? It would sure help us wrap up this mystery quickly.
Velma: You said it would affect millions of kids. Aren't they important?
Scooby: Reah, rillions rof rids, Ram!
Al: Scooby! Give Sam a break.
Scooby: Rorry.
Daphne: Wait a minute. Sam said that, in the original history, we turned around and left.
Shaggy: Like, so?
Daphne: In journalism class, they taught us that interfering in the story you're covering could change its outcome entirely, and leave you in unfamiliar territory.
Sam: Exactly, Daphne. Once I changed your minds, history took a new path. We won't find out where it leads until we get there.
Fred: But by then, it could be too late. Well, we didn't get in this half-way. I guess we're right back where we always are.
Velma: But Sam? If you changed our minds already, then why haven't you leaped out yet?
Shaggy: Like, yeah. Don't you have to like, go and warn Napoleon about Waterloo?
Sam: It doesn't work that way, Shaggy. But there must be another reason why I'm here. So we need to trip a trick and get trapped.
Shaggy: Don't bother. It's, like, our job. C'mon, Scoob--you know the drill.
(They jump, the edge of the floor tilts; They all end up below in a big lab, hidden from all outside view)
Al: Boy, I'm glad I didn't take that tumble. But you were right, Sam. It's paydirt.
(Around them, handcuffed to their workposts, are the captured scientists; A scientist with two henchmen appears)
Doctor Anateus: So--you bypassed all my traps but one. Then you shall be put to work on my project.
Sam: I'm Doctor Sam Beckett. Just what is this project of yours?
Anateus: I've heard tell of you, Doctor. You should appreciate this. I intend to bring down a passing alien spacecraft, and use its secrets to rule the world!
Al: (Looks stunned at handlink) Sam, Ziggy says this is the other reason why you're here.
Sam: (whispers) To make sure he never brings down that spacecraft?
Al: No, Sam. You're here to make sure that he succeeds!!!
Scooby: (Paw at his head) Ro, Roy!
(Commercial Break)
(As we resume, Sam queries Al about what he just said; The kids are standing around, under the henchmens' watchful eyes)
Sam: Is Ziggy sure of this?
Al: Yes, Sam. In the original history, the kids here walked away, and the scientists were never found. But also, this nutburger's project failed. You need to make it work.
Sam: And help him to rule the world? No way, Al. That's out.
Al: Ziggy says that there's a less than 2% probability of that happening, no matter what else goes down.
Sam: (Frowns, but is resolved) Kids, I want you to free those scientists. I'm going to help Doctor Anateus.
Fred: Sam?
Daphne: Sam, how could you?
Velma: That nut is totally crackers. You can't help him.
Sam: I have to. But you need to free those captives, while I do. Any ideas?
Shaggy: Like, I've got one. Is your friend Al still here?
Scooby: Re's rere, Raggy. Re's randing right rext roo ru.
Shaggy: Then have I got a groovy distraction for you guys.
(They plan in whispers)
Sam: Doctor Anateus? I want to join your project.
Anateus: And sabotage it, Doctor Beckett?
Sam: No. I'm a scientist, first and foremost. I believe that aiding you will aid the entire world. Let me help you bring down that spacecraft.
Anateus: Very well. But if you betray me, none of you will ever leave this place.
Sam: My goal is to land that spacecraft right outside the riverboat, Doctor. You can do what you like, after that.
(Sam begins work)
Anateus: You're reducing power to the capture beam.
Sam: No. I'm refining it. The way you had it set up, it would be like trying to grab a butterfly wearing snow gloves.
Anateus: Now you're--tapping into the aliens' computers? But their spaceship can't be controlled that way. I've tried.
Sam: I don't want to out-and-out control it. Just nudge it towards us. If we try and override their systems, the computer on that ship will just issue a course correction, and steer it away from us.
Anateus: No!!! You're guiding it towards Jupiter's gravity well.
Sam: The EM pulses issuing out from Jupiter will disable most of their remaining systems. The gravity well can be bounced against, pushing them back towards Earth.
(Anateus checks the readings)
Anateus: Doctor Beckett, you've done it! They'll soon be here--and I will use all of you and their secrets to rule the world.
(Shaggy grabs the attention of the henchmen)
Shaggy: (In a cape and top hat) Watch now, as the Great Scoobini reads your cards without seeing them!
Henchman 1: This is an old trick. The cards are marked.
(Scooby comes out in a turban)
Shaggy: Then use your own cards.
Henchman 2: Ok, smart guy. What am I holding?
(Al peeks at the cards)
Al: Three of Hearts
Scooby: Ree Rof Rearts!
(Stunned, the other henchmen gather around; Daphne, Velma and Fred free the other scientists, who escape; Anateus realizes this)
Anateus: Doctor Beckett, you were warned...
Fred: He didn't betray you. He never said anything about letting you keep those people captive.
Daphne: Sam only said that he'd bring that spaceship down--though I can't figure out why.
Velma: These instruments have it landing in less than one minute.
Shaggy: So, like, quit yer gabbin, and start yer alien grabbin', outside!
Anateus: Yes! I can still rule the world with its secrets.
(They all go up in a freight elevator)
Anateus: Its landing! All my efforts--from the abductions to scaring off the curious-- are about to pay off handsomely.
(The Henchmen run off; a bit panicked)
Anateus: Fools. But no matter.
Velma: Sam--that ship doesn't look alien to me.
(It is a long rocketship with a circular protrusion at the front and a stripe along its length)
Al: She's right, Sam. That thing is NASA issue. It's one of ours. I was there when…ohhh, what a dope! It had to be them.
Scooby: Rours?
Sam: But then, what was it doing so far out in space?
Shaggy: That sure does look like NASA ships I've seen in Velma's magazines.
Daphne: But wasn't one of them lost, a while back?
Fred: Yeah! And aboard it were our old friends...
Anateus: Don't you think I scanned for all that? It contains alien technologies. Obviously, they reconfigured it to look like one of our world's spacecraft, so as to go unnoticed.
Sam: No, I don't think so, Doctor. My memory isn't perfect, but unless I miss my guess, that ship contains...
(The ship lands; the stairwell descends; A very human man comes running out, and kisses the ground)
Alexander: Ohhhh, Earth! Back on Terra and Firma. Hey—it's Scooby-Doo and the Gang. Did you guys bring us back?
Anateus: He-he must be an alien in disguise.
Shaggy: Nope--just a fellow coward in arms.
(From the ship emerges another man, tall and blond like Fred--but with curly hair)
Alan: Gang—it's for real. We are sooo back!
(A rather pushy brunette shoves her way out of the ship)
Alexandra: Well, it's about time. One more alien world or alien device, and I was going to tear my hair out.
Anateus: Nooo...all my work...for this?
(Finally, stepping off the ship, returning to Earth are...Josie And The Pussycats!!)
Valerie: Home...at last. Back to touring on buses and planes, with the stars above and not between us.
Josie: Figure or no figure, I want every cheeseburger, every French fry, and every chocolate malted on this planet. The Pussycats are back!
Melody: Who's the man with the cigar standing next to Scooby Doo?
Al: Yeah, it figures *she* can see me.
Scooby: Ri rould've rold ru rat, Ral.
Anateus: I'm a complete failure...
Fred: Well, I'm sure the Pussycats don't think so.
Velma: You did it for all the wrong reasons, Doctor, but you still did something remarkable.
Alexander: Especially since someone...
(The space-travelers all glare at a sheepish Alexandra)
Alexander: ...wrecked our engines.
Alan: We would never have gotten back without you.
Josie: We owe you everything, Doctor.
Valerie: Consider yourself a lifetime pass holder for all our concerts.
(Sebastian the Cat emerges; He is pulling the alien Gleep-Gleep)
Sebastian: Marrreeoowwrr!!!
Melody: Oh, No! Gleep-Gleep is sick!
(The little alien looks pale; Anateus points)
Anateus: Our air must contain substances he can't safely intake. Get him to my lab! I can save his life, if we hurry.
(They descend; Later, inside a bubble; Gleep is alive and well)
Anateus: Gleep only needs rest, and a chance to become used to our air.
(Melody is crying; Touches bubble)
Melody: Oh, Gleep!
(Sam looks at Anateus)
Sam: Still want to rule the world?
Anateus: No. I just want to be a scientist again. When that poor little creature couldn't breathe--neither could I. Power means little--compared to Melody's smile.
(Anateus continues to check the readings)
Sam: What happens to him, Al?
Al: Well, he has to serve time for the kidnappings. But when he gets out, he joins NASA and becomes the Project Head of The International Space Station. He really changes, Sam.
Fred: Are you going to leave now, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, Freddy. Somewhere in time, someone else needs me. It's what I do.
Velma: Well, we're going to help our friends get adjusted again to life on Earth.
Shaggy: Like, it'll be a nice change of pace from the masked crowd.
Daphne: How much of your visit will we remember, Sam?
Sam: Like I said, Daphne--I don't usually leap through as myself. So it's possible that none of us will...
Al: Get ready to leap, Sam. Goodbye, Scooby. Watch out for Scrappy.
Scooby: (Scratches his head) Rappy? Rappy Rwho?
(The leap-out occurs; Memories fade)
(Anateus is led away)
Anateus: Be sure and write me how Gleep is doing. I owe my redemption to you wonderful kids!
Shaggy: Now, like that, is what I call a happy ending!
Scooby: Rappy--Rwho?
INDIANA, SIX MONTHS LATER
Sammy: Tom! Sis! Dad! I won!
Tom: Won what, little brother?
Sammy: Are you kidding? I won tickets to the comeback tour of the century. Josie And The Pussycats!
ELSEWHERE IN TIME AND SPACE
Sam felt enormous power—but it was power that would never dream of hurting anyone.
Sam realized that he was a dragon. A voice came from behind him.
"C'mon, Pufnstuff—or we'll never get Jimmy back from Witchiepoo!"
Sam turned and saw what looked like a Keystone Cop crossed with a Hobbit and a Muppet. He saw his own tail, and in a mirror, spotted out his enormous head and maw.
"Oh, Boy!"
Dedicated to Saturday Morning In The Early 1970's. A goofy but fun time was had by all.