-1Author's note: THIS IS FOR THE LULZ. Generation One, based on the episode Enter the Nightbird. I shamelessly ripped off most of the dialog, though the plot kinda goes its own course by the end of this part. HAVE FUN~

***

In Autobot Headquarters, which this author is inclined to believe is located somewhere in Central America (that or the Grand Canyon area), Wheeljack and the others were installing his latest invention. Unlike his other inventions, this one only had a 60% chance of exploding.

"These detection panels are just what we need to keep us safe," he explained to Optimus, the speakers on the side of his head flashing blue as he spoke. He bent down and plugged one of the panels into the main network, which was hooked up to Teletraan-1. A dim orange light filtered through the cracks on the panel, signaling that it was on.

"Watch how the sensors react to metal!" As he spoke, Wheeljack moved his hand over the pad which flared technicolor orange. Then the sirens went off. "Not bad, huh?"

"Excellent, Wheeljack," Optimus commented. "The Decepticons won't find it easy to slip by that."

Never mind the fact that the entire ship is made of metal, and the panels aren't smart enough to defer between Autobot and Decepticon.

"Optimus Prime!" Cliffjumper called, waving as he raced over to the duo. "Come quickly - it's Dr. Fujiyama, the famous scientist!" Optimus and Wheeljack ran after Cliffjumper for the whole five feet it was to Teletraan-1's main monitor. A Japanese man with a slick tuxedo and light-plum tie stood on screen. He looked to be no more than 25 years old.

"Yes, Dr. Fujiyama, the famous scientist?" Optimus inquired, bowing towards the screen slightly. Dr Fujiyama, the famous scientist, returned the favor.

"Sorry to intrude, Mr. Optimus Prime, but I am in need of the services of you and your Autobots."

"For what reason, Doctor?"

"To guard my latest invention when I present it to the world!"

"Exactly what is it that you've come up with?"

Dr. Fujiyama quickly glanced around him. Then he leaned forward, dropping his voice to a semi-whisper. "Could the Decepticons eavesdrop on us?" he asked earnestly.

Any normal sentient being would have considered all the previous episodes in which either Laserbeak, Ravage, or Soundwave himself have eavesdropped - sometimes getting right inside the base - and learned of the Autobots' plans. I'm pretty sure this comes to a whopping 99% of the episodes.

But these guys ain't normal.

"Aw, it's not too likely," Ironhide replied. Note: the author didn't realize that he was standing behind Optimus Prime and thus didn't write him into the scene until now.

"Nonetheless, I fear to speak!" But Dr. Fujiyama did anyways. He said, "My latest invention is a special robot."

"…What?" Optimus asked.

"At the risk of seeming boastful- ha! - it is the greatest robot ever created by man! Which means it is, heh heh, primitive by Autobot standards."

"My curiosity is aroused," Optimus spoke matter-of-factly. "We will come, Doctor." (that'swhatshesaid)

"Oh, splendid! Splendid!" Dr. Fujiyama exclaimed. "All the top scientists of the world will be on hand for the unveiling!"

Optimus simply bowed to Dr. Fujiyama who once more bowed back. Then, without getting any details about when or where this event was taking place, the transmission was cut.

"Ha!" Wheeljack laughed, his speakers flaring blue again. "Imagine - Autobots playing nurse maid to an Earth robot! It's probably just a glorified wind-up toy."

"Nevertheless, we'll go, if only to keep the Decepticons from getting their hands on it." Optimus spoke, laying a hand on Wheeljack's shoulder. "Autobots, let's roll!"

And then, using their patented "locating the greatest man-built robot ever unveiling ceremony" tracking technology, the Autobots transformed and rolled out.

The location turned out to be in some dome-shaped building in some obscure city. That had a fountain. And was big enough for the Autobots - all of them - to stand up in and have plenty, and I mean plenty, of room left over, despite the fact that the building was smaller than the nearest skyscraper.

"Dr. Fujiyama's doohicky is behind that drape," Ratchet told Wheeljack, who had just appeared backstage.

Wheeljack peered around the curtains to see what Ratchet was pointing at. He looked the draped figure up and down, trying to figure it out. By the looks of things, the robot was bipedal.

"If it walks, it probably needs a long extension cord," he commented.

Ratchet laughed. "I wonder if batteries are included?" he mused.

Before either could make any other joke, Optimus Prime strode by. "We're here to guard the robot, not to make jokes at its expense!" he chided as he passed. Then he took up position directly beside the draped robot, put his hands on his hips, and waited for the ceremony to begin.

In short time, Dr. Fujiyama appeared on stage. He waved as he made his way over to the podium and the crowd cheered.

"Gentleman, what you about to see is state-of-the-art Robotics!" he spoke into the podium's microphone. Then he turned, and with the help of Ratchet the robot was unveiled.

Everyone oo'd and ah'd. The robot was a few feet shorter than Optimus, but it was a much more sleek and deadly-looking model. The way its armor had been placed upon its body suggested that not only was it female, but it was also built to resemble the ancient ninja.

"This, gentleman, is the first female ninja robot!" Dr. Fujiyama went on. "I have named her…Nightbird!"

"Magnificent!"

"Tremendous!"

"Unbelievable!"

The cheers continued. Even a few of the Autobots seemed impressed, though they decided to keep their comments to themselves and simply nodded their heads in approval.

Off to the side, Optimus looked down at Spike. "What is a ninja?" he inquired.

"An ancient Japanese warrior, capable of amazing feats of skill and daring," Spike replied in a whisper.

"Yeah, I read about them!" Jazz added. "Ninjas were deadly assassins!"

"Uh, why build a robot-ninja, Doctor? Isn't that rather dangerous?" a plump man from the crowd asked.

"Nightbird has been constructed to demonstrate to the world the limitless capabilities of technology," Dr. Fujiyama began. "She will expand the horizons of robotic research and assist mankind, not harm him. I assure you gentleman, she is not meant for battle, or for assassinations, and I have limited her powers accordingly!"

No one seemed to notice the fact that she is holding nun chucks, and has several daggers and a katana strapped to her body.

"Now, gentlemen, if I may…"

Dr. Fujiyama never got to do whatever it is you do to turn on a giant robot ninja, for it was at this time that a random black-and-gray Autobot decided to fly across the room. A semi-explosion and screams followed after.

"It's that Dina-mental delinquent, Rumble!" Prowl snarled.

"And his pup-pal, Frenzy!" Mirage added.

Sure enough, the two mini-Decepticons jumped down onto the floor. Rumble immediately transformed his arms into pile drivers and beat down on the floor, making it too shaky for most humans to stand.

"We'll send them directly to scrap-iron city!" Jazz exclaimed, bolstering his ray gun.

"Wait!" Optimus grabbed Jazz by the arm. "We can't risk hurting the humans!"

"Your theory seems shaky to me, Doc!" Rumble laughed at Dr. Fujiyama, continuing his pile-driving.

Dr. Fujiyama didn't pay much attention. With the help of the Autobots, he and the rest of the human attendees were ushered to the exits.

Above them, lasers were cutting their way around the dome roof.

"Look out! They're destroying the building!"

"Run for it!"

Laserbeak burst through the roof at that points, lasers pew pewing and making a general mess of things. It managed to zap Prowl in the chest.

"The humans have evacuated!" Optimus yelled, drawing his own gun. "Autobots, ATTACK!"

Just as the Autobots were readying their forces, other Decepticons burst their way into the building. Megatron and Soundwave appeared together, while others were scattered around the dome.

"I bring you greetings, Optimus Prime," Megatron began, smirking and bowing slightly. He then held up his gun and fired. "LETHAL greetings!"

Bluestreak saw the attack coming. In a way that wasn't epic at all, he stepped in front of Optimus and took the blast.

"Bluestreak!"

Megatron cackled at his heroics. Off to the side, Mirage had attacked Soundwave, thus losing his camouflage ability.

"Mirage!" Megatron snapped. He then forgot all about Optimus and aimed his cannon at the one who would dare to kill his tape recorder. "Prepare to disappear permanently!"

Of course he missed. Optimus Prime decided to pay it forward and attacked Megatron. He held the Decepticon leader in an arm lock, which (little known fact) rendered his lasers useless.

But then Ironhide had to go and try shooting down Laserbeak, and of course he missed and hit the ceiling, so a giant piece of steel fell and pinned him to the ground. In the never-ending chain of stupid, Optimus Prime let go of Megatron to hoist the steel off of Ironhide.

"Optimus Prime, look out!" Spike yelled, pointing epically.

Megatron blasted Optimus in the back, which sent him wheeling forward.

"Prepare for Oblivion, Prime!" Megatron yelled, readying himself for another blast.

"Not yet, Megatron," Optimus huffed, standing to his feet. "Not…just…YET!" At the last syllable he turned around and punched Megatron halfway across the building. He moved to finish the job, but a rumble above him caught his attention.

The ceiling was being cut off like the top to a tin can. Hooks pierced the sides and latched onto the steel support beams. Then, with one final crack, the ceiling was lifted off and away.

"Prime, over your head!" Brawn called, as if Prime wasn't already looking. "It's Thundercracker, and Starscream!"

"We're not staying long, Auto-boobs!" Starscream sneered, snickering to himself. "We just came to pick up a friend!"

And yes, you read that correctly: Auto-boobs.

He and Thundercracker lowered their own set of grappling hooks. They latched onto the shoulders of the offline Nightbird, then they reeled her skywards.

How a pair of F-15 Eagle jets managed to hover long enough for this to happen is beyond this author.

Megatron let off another evil cackle, and, as Optimus was distracted, punched his foe in the face. He and his Decepticons took off after that, some not even transforming to jet mode and just using the turbines in their feet to fly.

An eerie quiet settled on the Autobots after that. Dr. Fujiyama slowly made his way back inside, picking his way around the rubble and hurt Autobots. He finally made his way onto the stage. Optimus took a few steps to meet him.

"We're sorry we failed you and the university, Dr. Fujiyama," he said, holding his hands out.

Dr. Fujiyama crossed his arms over his chest in momentary anger. Then he sighed, and let them flop to his sides. "It could not have been foreseen, Mr. Prime."

"Nevertheless," Optimus began, holding his hand up, "I vow that we will return the robot ninja to you as quickly as possible!"

"I only beg that she will be returned unharmed," Dr. Fujiyama said. "The technical components are irreplaceable, and are needed for research."

"Don't worry, Dr. Fujiyama," Jazz interjected, approaching the two. "We'll bring the little lady back in perfect condition!" Under his breath he added, "I hope."

"Oh, thank you Autobots! Thank you, thank you! I trust that you will!"

"The damage report is not too good, Prime," Mirage spoke, scratching the back of his head. He looked particularly grim.

"Then let's get our wounded back to the base," Optimus responded. "Autobots, transform and roll out!"

***

Meanwhile, back at Decepticon Headquarters (which is hidden underneath an oddly Cybertonian-looking spire in the middle of an open field - don't worry, I'm sure no one notices), Megatron and the gang were unloading their treasure. The Constructicons were standing at the ready, and once Nightbird had been place don the operating table they went to work.

"Mix Master!" Megatron barked, putting his hands on his hips. The mixing truck Constructicon walked up to his master.

"Yes, sir?"

"When will the ninja-bot be complete?"

"Within 72 billion astro-seconds, my lord."

"Good." Megatron grinned. He never felt more happy than when his dastardly plans were working as perfectly as a Red Ring of Death'd X-Box 360 would not. Without thinking, he let out a slightly maniacal cackle, then tapped the tips of his robot fingers together as he walked off.

Off in some random corner of the Decepticon HQ, Starscream sulked. He had used his patented Megatron's Mind Reading device he built in his motherboard's basement when he was 35 gerblagion astro-seconds old to, of course, read Megatron's mind. Ever since he was a kid, he wished he could be the one that made Megatron cackle with maniacal delight. The only way he could do that would be if Starscream were to somehow become a plan, and then somehow work perfectly. Given the track record of the Decepticons and the laws of Physics, neither would ever happen separately, let alone together.

But wait! There is still hope, Starscream thought. I'm a transformer! The laws of Physics don't apply to me! Trufax, children. If you are a Transformer you can do whatever the hell you want and reality will just have to deal with it.

And so, Starscream hatched his own dastardly plan. Within two astro-seconds he was ready, and no, I have no idea how long an astro-second is in human terms.

"Mix Master, my good friend," the jet began, walking up to the Constructicon and looking about as friendly as a caffeinated bumblebee, "how are things going with Nightbird?"

"We're moving along on schedule," the mixer replied, monotonous.

"Good, good…Say, Mix Master, wouldn't this whole procedure go a lot faster if you already had a ready-made micro processor to implant into her brain?"

"Yes, it would. It would save a lot of I-D-10-T errors we keep getting from building our own."

"Well why not use the mind of another Decepticon?"

"No one has volunteered. I mean, I sure wouldn't want to be a girl."

Starscream paused, thinking over his next words. What would be the best way to keep his dignity, and still ask to be turned into a chick?

"Listen, Mix Master, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Mix Master looked up from his work, then to his fellow Constructicons. Long Haul shrugged. Mix Master then turned back to Starscream and nodded.

When the two were out of earshot from the other robots, Starscream said, "Lately, I've been thinking. I've been very bad to Megatron. He is a wonderful leader, and I'd like to make it up to him."

"Alright," Mix Master began, furrowing his nonexistent eyebrows, "how do you plan on doing that?"

"Use my brain for Nightbird."

Mix Master gasped. "But Starscream! Think of your manliness!"

"I know," Starscream sighed, putting on a show. "It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

After a bit more convincing, Starscream managed to get Mix Master to do the procedure. Little did Mix Master know Starscream didn't exactly want to make up to Megatron. Make out, maybe, but not make up.

It will be glorious! He thought as he laid himself down on another operating table that sprang from absolutely no where (remember: physics = gone). As he was slowly put into stasis lock, he ran over his plan once more.

I will be the Nightbird. I will do Megatron's bidding, and he will love me so much he will recognize me as the one true leader of the Decepticons and he will make me leader! Then I will make him my bitch, and everything will be as it should be!

But of course, Starscream forgot to figure in the fact that Kitty is writing this story, and she loves cheese.