Vision
Looking at her curled on her side, looking so small, so fragile in that big white bed, my soul cracked. I did this, she was, infected, by that disease and it was killing her, right there, right in front of me. So slowly I would never see it, until one day those beautiful eyes never opened and that fierce soul, that driving purpose would be lost, to the darkness of forever. A killer I couldn't find, couldn't stop, the only thing that that thing inside her head would let me do is sit uselessly by her side, watching as her faith in me killed her from the inside out. The crack deepened, widened. I could see her, the small girl she was, delicate and dreaming big. The woman she is before me, fragility and strength, a scientist who believed in something she could never truly prove existed. And the future she could have had, children, nieces and nephews, and growing old gracefully with the one she pledged her love and loyalty to, a man she deserved, the future my dreams, obsessions, and blind pursuit of things just out of my reach took from her.
Seeing her like this made me realise how much she had given up, to be here with me. Her sister, children, and now I was taking her life. Her life, that bright spark in the darkness, that endless light, the one that kept me grounded and sane, the one thing I couldn't see my life without. All those years alone what kept me from falling, I don't remember. The sight before me burned into my heart like nothing before, the pale, pale skin, looking less like porcelain and more like an over starched sheet, her unmarked skin missing that glow, that light that made her Scully. Her eyes, those priceless expressive orbs, once full of strength and endless determination and life now reduced to sunken hollow glass, the only thing I see reflected, in those horrid pale imitations of what they once were, was barely concealed pain, fear and worry.
I saw the strength leaving her, not just in her muscles but her energy, her essence, the vital thing that made Scully unique. To my eyes, my foolish blind eyes, that never saw beyond the next sighting or tall tale of abduction, they were suddenly, horribly and irreversibly open, Scully may have been shorter than most but she has a way of filling the air around her with her presence, her cool unshakeable logic, her gentle fiercely guarded heart, her unwavering confidence and determination. They're part of Scully and that's what made me want to protect her, to guard her, to keep her as mine. When her brother is there, not so subtly telling her I'm no good for her and to me to get out, she puts on her most convincing disguise, a smile, genuine but so, so fake, my newly opened eyes can see it crumble and flake around the edges, but no one else can. No one else can see the blind panic of leaving her family, of dying , of never living more of her dreams, so poorly concealed but to my new eyes I see all of it and it forces that crack wider and deeper, and makes it so much harder not to just howl from the pain.
Her family never saw through the defence, the last stab in the dark to keep her family together, from seeing how scared she was, the indomitable fearless Scully, that's how her family would see her after she passed, to give them piece of mind.
Even when she was dying, when she had the right to be selfish she would still think of her family right till the bitter end. So looking upon her in that large empty bed I wondered what her future could have been without me, filled with adventure, with love, with that huge family I know she's always dreamed of having but never voiced aloud. I could see a vision of Scully, aged a little but still completely captivating, warmth in her smile, no terrors in the night to reach for her, peace and love in her eyes, making them out shine any diamond, any jewel, life in her skin and contentment in her arms, wrapped lovingly around a precious bundle, a small hand reaching, grasping for the glittering cross around her neck. Surrounded by various heads of different heights, all a small part of Scully, in a smile, the curve of a brow or in the colour of the hair, but all a large part of her heart.
I could see it all so clearly, so much it could have been a memory. The vision broke that crack right open and it rushed upwards all that pain, my own and hers, the longing and dreams, the futile hope of love. I lowered myself towards to the floor my knees giving way beneath my weight, and all that love, longing, pain and echoing dreams, all the terror she went through, all the terror I went through all the anger and hate left me in a silent scream.
Ripping its way out of my overburdened heart and burning eyes, trying to exorcise this hole that my life had created, why did they chose her, the one person I would willing give my very soul to save from pain or sadness, condemned to die whilst all her loved ones watched as her body slowly shut down and left their hearts empty. One thing that was left as the scream sliced its way out of me, and that was a burning determination, a fiery wrath, growing beneath my chest. The smoking man will scream his last breath, when… no if she dies. No one will stop me from ripping those things apart with my fingers if need be, I will find a way to save Scully even if I have to give up everything I have, my job, my life . Even my sister.