A/N: Once again please don't be offened. This is meant as a laugh, and I mean no disrespect to anyone who feels differently about the extent of Holmes and Watson's relationship. Also it was finished at three in the morning and is unbeta'd so be warned. It also got really really long for no real reason so I fear waffling may lie ahead. Anyway this fic idea was suggested by someone called A blank reviewer who was either too cowardly or to smart to put their name to this mess. ;-) Thanks for the plot bunny. Onward

Disclaimer: Do not own, blah, blah, blah.

To whom it may concern

Once again I have been compelled by my clients, Mister Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson, to take up my pen and insist that you put an end to the slanderous allegations that have been circulating around this website. Both of these gentlemen are more than ready to concede that they have undertaken a hazardous line of work and that, in their pursuit of justice, they frequently put their well-being on the line (though hopefully not as often as has been suggested by certain parties). Thus they both admit that content of hurt/comfort fics is not entirely without foundation.

However it beggars their belief (and my own for that matter) that people would interpret their relationship as something more -how shall I put this- intimate than it first appears. Both Mr. Holmes and Doctor Watson claim that they have no idea how anyone could have reached this preposterous conclusion and completely deny all of your lewd insinuationsin regards to the extent of their friendship. Totally. Unequivocally. Vehemently even. (Mr. Holmes, who is presently reading over my shoulder in a most irritating manner, wishes me to include the following statement verbatim: "Never! Never ever ever. Ever. Not in the past, the present, nor the future, nor under any power, neither height nor depth, nor angels or demons or anything else in all of creation would possess me to sleep with that man." Doctor Watson heartily concurs with the aforementioned, quasi-blasphemous statement.)

Before you take it upon yourselves to protest and claim that bigotry rests at the heart of this matter, I wish to make it abundantly clear that the morality of act we are discussing is not the issue. Neither of my clients wishes to engage in any political, religious or ethical debate of any kind. They do however want to state explicitly that neither of them participates in such activities with each other or with any other man and have not the slightest inclination or to do so now or at any point in the future. Inspector Lestrade and Mr. Mycroft Holmes included. (Mr. Holmes wants me to once again direct your attention to his statement above. Ironically I have drawn the line at underlining it.)

Mr. Holmes' business relies on almost solely on his good name and in such a conservative society as the one he belongs to, a rumour like this one could spell the end of his enterprise. Imaging the reactions of members of the Scotland Yard Police Force, of potential clients and even those of the criminal underworld if they were to discover your fanfiction. It would lead to his ruin. To understand the full implications of what you are suggesting, I feel the need to remind you that you are, in point of fact, accusing both Mr. Holmes and Doctor Watson of a crime. A crime with a penalty of two years hard labour, to be exact. There are many unscrupulous individuals who would grasp at the opportunity to bring down the detective's good name so they may make their underhanded dealings all the more easy. Also in Mister Holmes opinion, to be a pursuer British justice whilst engaging in such illegal acts -regardless to his personal feelings for or against them- makes him nothing more than a hypocrite. I have indeed, before you ask, pointed out to Mr. Holmes that he has in the past "circumvented" British Law to his own ends but he insist that was only when there was no other alternative and in the pursuit of a case; not for his own personal ends and not to indulge in something he has no taste for to begin with. While the penalty for slander carries as lesser sentence than that of the transgression Mr. Holmes has been accused of, he states he will not hesitate to pursue you all to within the full extent of the law.

As for Doctor Watson, the defamatory accusations that you have laid upon him have affected him in a more personal manner. Doctor Watson wishes it to be known that his wife Mrs. Mary Watson has sacrificed allot during her marriage and admits there are times when his devotion to his companion has been trying for her. Yet being a woman of great fortitude and possessing a compassionate nature, Mrs. Watson is gracious enough to brush aside the occasional inconveniences that her husband's friendship with Mr. Holmes has placed on her personal life. However, the increasing amount of these slash fics has taken a great toll on Mrs. Watson, subjecting her to gossip and various indignities. To be considered a cuckold under any circumstance is humiliating, but for you to suggest that Mrs. Watson was cast aside by her husband in lieu of another man increases the injury tenfold. Doctor Watson stresses that while he cares very little of the public's opinion of him, he finds your treatment of the woman he has been happily married to for many years to be nothing short of unjust and undeserved.

Finally, your gratuitous fixation on Mr. Holmes' and Doctor Watson's relationship has actually achieved the opposite effect of that which I assume you hope for. For you see, your insinuations have almost created an impenetrable barrier between the two men, leaving them feeling awkward and uncomfortable in each other's presence. Over the past few weeks they have felt pressured into making certain that none of their actions could be read as something more suspicious. They have avoided being alone in the same room together, stand further apart than they used to, and have forsaken going to operas, concerts and dinner together, out of the fear that these actions might be misconstrued. Doctor Watson has felt compelled to decline many of Mr. Holmes' invitations to join him on cases and they are concerned that their crime solving partnership is on the brink of collapse. Both of these men detest the situation, longing for the good natured companionship that they used to share before it was waylaid by your rumour-mongering. What is worse is their concern that they will never be able to innocently enjoy each other's company in the same manner as they once did, and their relationship is forever tarnished. I think that all of you would agree with me when I say that the dissolution of Mr. Holmes' and Doctor Watson's friendship and working relationship would be a great pity.

At present this is just a caution. Mr. Holmes and Doctor Watson feel that your allegations have not been widespread enough to cause them great harm as of yet, and they are loathed to draw any more attention to them by making a formal complaint to the proper authorities. However I urge you to think about what harm your idle writings can cause and how the people you are describing could be adversely effected.

To close I wish to remind you all of the words of Doctor Watson's most recent representative, Jude Law. "They can have a horribly co-dependent relationship without there being something sexual involved."

With Regards

Ms L. Lloyd

Ash, Dusk and Slate Solicitors

Est. 1839