He'd been gone for six months now. Aedion gripped her upper arm tightly, dragging Aelin away from the window where she'd held vigil religiously, waiting for him to return.
"Aelin," his voice was gentle, barely more than a whisper. He continued to tug on her arm but she continued to resist. Maybe today would be the day when he would come back to her, when she would finally feel like half of her body, half her soul wasn't lost.
Aelin, begrudgingly, had sent Rowan on a mission to the southern part of their kingdom to dispose of some creatures that had wandered across the border. During a meeting with her generals and those of power in her military, he'd been the first to volunteer to go, insisting that if he went, the creatures would be sure to never return.
"It will take me two days at most," he'd whispered in her ear when they were alone later that night. "I'll put the fear of Wyrd into them - enough so that they'll never want to set foot on Terrasen ever again."
She nudged his neck with her nose. "I hate it when you're gone. Even for one night. The bed feels empty and I get cold."
"You're always cold," he'd murmured before wrapping his arms around her tightly.
If she had known that that was to be their last night together, she would have done more than letting him hold her throughout the night. She would have kissed him for hours, she would have made love to him, she would have stroked every inch of his tattoo, she would have memorized every detail. Instead, she was left with a gaping hole in her chest and a never ending sense of regret. Why had she let him go alone?
"Aelin," Aedion repeated, a little less gently this time. He had tried everything to pull her out of her misery. She had a kingdom to run, friends who cared about her. But she found it hard to fight for her people when she could barely fight for herself.
"Not today, Aedion," she sighed. "Today isn't a good day."
"It's never a good day." He released her arm but continued to stand directly next to her, folding his arms across his chest. "It's been six months…it might be time to accept -"
She whirled on him. "I will not accept that he is gone. I will never give up that he will come home to me."
In the days after Rowan's disappearance, Aedion had taken fifty soldiers with him to try and find Rowan, to no avail. At first, Aelin had begged him not to go - she couldn't bare to lose both of them to whatever dark force had harmed or captured Rowan. Once he made it clear to her that he had to at least try to find his brother-in-arms and would take extra security with him, she'd agreed. For as long as he lived, he would never forget the look on his queen's face when he had returned to the castle - without Rowan.
Aedion wasn't without caring now. He understood what Rowan meant to Aelin and this kingdom. He'd be lying to himself if he didn't admit he missed the Fae warrior most days. But it was time. It was time to move on.
"I'm not asking you to forget him," Aedion began. "But you are a Queen and your kingdom, for better or for worse, comes first. You - we - all of us, we need to begin to put this behind us. Decades could pass before he returns, Aelin."
A low growl escaped her.
"I don't mean to be insensitive, but the time for being gentle with you has passed. Dorian has been begging for you to visit, why not visit him and the witch to clear your head and get out of Terrasen for a bit? We can say it's a political meeting. Your people are becoming restless. They need to see that you are still capable of ruling them. Besides," he paused briefly, "you don't even know if Rowan is still alive. "
"He's alive," she replied without hesitation.
"You can't possibly know that."
"I can," she purred. "When I sent him to the southern border, I felt it. The moment someone or something attacked him. I felt it in my soul. He was hurt. He was injured or captured or something. But he's not dead. You couldn't even begin to understand," she said, somewhat cruelly. "I would know if he was dead for I would feel it in the depth of my soul. Or did you forget he's my carranam?"
"You haven't let me forget it," he mumbled, knowing full well that she could hear him. "But Aelin, put yourself in my shoes for one moment. I have been trying to run this kingdom without you for six months. I have been trying to hold it together. I haven't had time to grieve, to even pretend to miss my friend. Have you ever thought about that? Have you stopped to think about what the rest of us have been going through trying to protect you these past six months? We've made decisions for you, for your people. But we, and I especially, can't do it anymore. You are the queen. And it is your kingdom. It is time to come back to us. To rule us."
Aelin knew Aedion was right. Of course he was right. It was time to stop grieving, it was time to put her people first, and it was time to move on. Something clicked into place and it was like the sun rising after months and months of darkness. She couldn't go on like this. She would forever wonder what happened to Rowan and she knew, eventually, she would exhaust all of her resources trying to bring him home. But the time for wondering, the time for mourning was over. For now.
"Okay," she said, looking up to meet Aedion's stare. "Okay. You're right. I will go visit Dorian. I will put this behind me, as best I can."
He nodded at her.
"But don't think for one second that I am giving up. I will never stop waiting for him. And when I've dealt with my kingdom and put everything in order, when I've shown my people that I can effectively rule, I will do everything in my power to find him and bring him home to me."
Aedion wasn't sure if he should be proud or terrified for he believed every word she said. "I'll make the arrangements for the trip to Adarlan. And I'll let Dorian know that we are coming. You may want to…"
"Shower?" She smiled weakly.
Aedion turned to leave but she reached an arm out and stopped him. "I know I haven't been myself for the past however many months and it may have seemed like I wasn't paying attention - but I was. So thank you. Thank you for being strong enough to take care of me and our kingdom. And thank you for pulling me out of this…" she gestured wildly, "for lack of a better word, misery?"
"Anytime, cuz." He planted a soft kiss on her cheek and headed for the door. He turned around one last time before leaving, "Oh, and you may want to call on Lysandra before you begin packing…She's furious with you."
"Just what I need. An angry ghost leopard in my room while I'm trying to get ready for a long journey."
"Inviting her to come with you may not be the worst idea."
"Are you just saying that because you want her to come?" Aedion winked.
"We leave tomorrow, my Queen." And before Aelin could come up with a snarky remark, he was gone.