Sweet Refuge

I gain refuge from my work, it's something that not only brings me joy, interest and intrigue - but also something which causes distraction. I had always wondered, but never showed much interest in it - in wanting to know either of you. I guess... It was sheltered away. After trying to push it away so much although, I guess that's really the only thing it can do right? It goes deep into the back of your mind until not even you remember what that tiny little thought was that you were so desperately trying to rid of.

But ever since that day, that day you were discussed - It's been renewed like a double edged sword it slices in more places than I would have ever wanted to feel discomfort in.

Often, I shake my head trying to clear my mind - trying to stay focused on the task at hand when the days come by that remind me of both of you.

However, don't get me wrong - It's not that I'm ungrateful because I'm not. I'm thankful for Martha, for my friends - for everyone in my life, and I'm more than thankful for the surprise chance meeting I did get with you although I wish it could have been with her as well, and of course on better circumstances. Though, I'm thankful for any little bit of communication I was blessed with.

It's from there... I often feel bad. I got to see you, I got that chance - It's been years since you've both passed away and I never really knew you - But yet I still at least got to see one of you for a split moment, so shouldn't I just finally... Move on? However, that may sound harsh - It may sound crude but I know in my heart I simply feel awful for it's been so long I should simply move on but yet... For some reason I can't.

I'll never admit it, I'll never tell anyone - But you're both still on my mind. I no longer hide from those thoughts, I no longer push them away - I embrace them.

I may slam my hand against a counter for an unknown reason to someone else, or they simply may think I'm frustrated with a repair - However it's my own frustration for not being able to go a day without thinking about you.

I don't know when my true birth date is, nor do I often care - But there's days I'll look in the bathroom mirror and simply wonder as bountiful scenes of reverie play through the clear reflection back to me of what could have been.

I'll grimace, I'll curl my hands into fists - but I'll never shed a tear around anyone.

I'll grit my teeth, I'll yell in my mind - but I'll never talk to anyone about it.

Because in my mind, it's crazy but I think sometimes... With just the simplest of looks you may be able to read me from above - and it's at that point then when I'm alone and looking up to the sky, perhaps even leaning against a railing in complete solitude that I'll smile and let one bittersweet tear elude my intellect.