A small sigh left the blond's lips as he curled up in the sheets. He was cold, but not for any reason. The room was the average heat. The blankets were thick and warm. But, he was cold. He felt a chill run through his body and he didn't know why.
Well...
He did know why.
He glanced over his shoulder to see Axel's back facing him. They were sharing a single bed, both of them creeping towards the edges. Their backs weren't touching, but there wasn't much space between them.
There physically couldn't be that much space between them, but as Roxas kept looking at Axel's back, it felt like it was forever away from him.
Roxas wanted to close the distance, to smile and laugh, nuzzle Axel's back. Wake him up, get yelled at, tackle each other and roll around on the tiny bed, trying not to fall off as they played, but that was not going to happen. Not tonight.
And perhaps never again. After what Roxas said...
The blond closed his eyes and pulled the sheets over his head. It hurt. His chest, his heart, his hands, fingers, toes - everything hurt. Everything just hurt so much. Why did he say those words? Why did he say things he knew he should never say?
Why did he hurt the only one who let him in? Why did he hurt the one person that mattered to him most?
Why would he say those things to his other?
He squished his eyes closed, hoping he could just sleep forever and never have to worry about anything again. A part of him wants to slip under the covers and move near Axel, to feel that warmth, to feel that touch, skin on skin.
To feel like he wasn't alone in the world... to feel like he was worth it to someone.
He peeked out of the covers and faced Axel. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. "I'm sorry."
Roxas waited, but Axel didn't respond. "I'm sorry," he whispered again.
"Okay," Axel muttered.
The blond closed his blue eyes and he reached out, letting his fingers press against Axel's back, just for the small amount of contact.
Axel tried not to jerk away at the touch. Truth was, he was missing the contact himself, but didn't want to admit it. He sighed, focusing on the couple of fingers against his back. "You know I'm not using you just for sex."
"I know," Roxas meeped, "I didn't mean it, I just-"
"Just tried to piss me off," Axel cut him off. "You tried to piss me off so you can push me away. Same shit you do all the time," he groaned.
Roxas reclined his hand and closed his eyes.
Axel sighed, rolling over. "You're an ass, Roxas."
"I know," the blond admitted. "I'm an inconsiderate ass hole, I know."
"No," Axel put an arm around the blond, tugging him close. "You're the opposite. You're not inconsiderate: you know exactly how I'm going to feel to whatever you do..."
Roxas said nothing, just leaned into the redhead's warm chest.
"You pretend to be hot shit, confident, don't you? When in reality, you're just insecure. You don't want to be alone, but you keep pushing everyone away, don't you?" Axel sighed when Roxas didn't respond. "Ven loves you to tears, Sora's your best friend, Riku honestly cares about you, and I have no idea why, but they all put up with your insults."
The blond swallowed hard, shaking slightly.
"Why do you do it? Why do you let people in just to push them away?" Axel frowned, "I mean... I don't know if it's worth it half the fucking time. You say you care, you say you want me in your life, but every time I help you, your first instinct is to bite my fucking head off."
"Sorry."
The redhead closed his eyes, pressing a kiss on the top of his boyfriend's head. His arms held the other one tight and close. "You're a jerk, but I still love you."
Roxas looked up and a small smile formed on his lips. "Why?"
"Huh?"
"I mean, why? I love you too, but... why? Why do you put up with me? Why the hell do you love me if I keep doing this to you? Wouldn't, wouldn't you be happier without me?"
"Maybe," Axel admitted and nuzzled into the soft, blond hair. "But you're mine, and I love you. I just love how you can be the biggest dick in the world, and how you always piss me off by hiding my stuff - and when you wake me up with morning-head. And when you give me road-head when I'm driving. I love how you always wanna do something dangerous, always pushing me out of my comfort zone,
"I love how you can be cute too," Axel continued. "You might be a dick most of the time, but you're always up for cuddling. Whenever I want a hug, you never push me away, never. Sometimes just knowing that makes me really happy: knowing that whenever I want to hold you, I can, that's just, that's pretty fucking rad."
Roxas chuckled and smiled.
"You're always up for sex, and you let me explore my fantasies in bed, and you tell me all about yours and you let me explore them, and even if something I like is weird, you never say it's 'gross' or 'disgusting'. You try it anyway, just for me. I mean, that's kinda... I mean, that takes a level of comfort that most people don't even know exist. And to know that you'd do that just for me..."
Axel sighed, "Yeah, sex is a big part of our relationship... it's probably what we're doing most of the time anyway, but it's more than just that. I feel comfortable telling you my darkest fantasies. You know, the ones that I feel like choking myself after I've jacked off thinking about because I know they're wrong in every way. I don't know, Rox. I know it's sex, but I feel like it's more than just sex..."
Roxas nodded, "I get it. It's not just a fuck with a stranger... I feel it too, I feel vulnerable. I feel like I let every inch of my guard down."
"Yeah," Axel nodded. "So, I'm not using you just for sex, Rox."
"I know."
"And there's more to that too," Axel repeated. "I just, I fucking love you. I love how playful you are, and how you always manage to piss me off every morning before work."
Roxas snickered, closing his eyes and grinning.
"I love being close with you, spending time with you. There are a million reasons why I love you Roxy; and, yeah, you've got some really shitty qualities and you're insecure, and you hurt me... you hurt me from time to time, try to push me away, but I can tell that even when you're pushing away, you want me in your life."
"I'm sorry."
Axel kissed his forehead again, keeping him in his warm embrace. "So as long as you love me, I'll keep coming back. If you don't want me in your life anymore, then I'll let you push me away."
"But, what if you get it wrong?" Roxas' blue eyes looked up.
Axel smiled and kissed the blond's cheek. "Then let me know, stupid. I'll come right back."
"Promise?"
Axel squeezed his boyfriend, "Promise."