Warning: self-arm.
Things you can't have
There are things you can't have. You understand that now as you watch blood run on your thigh. Maybe they are not meant to you or maybe the voices in your head are right and you just don't deserve them.
God won't forgive you.
Forgiveness. You pray that God hears you, that God does know your repentance, you pray that God will forgive you. But you know God doesn't, God won't. You're a sin and you won't be forgiven, you can't be. So you just hope that the bleeding will be enough to stop the sin. Once the poison is out, you'll be clean and you'll be worthy of forgiveness.
You were born sick, Paige. You'll never be worthy.
No redemption for you. A cut, a punishment.
No need to fight.
Understanding. Nobody is going to understand why you do it. No one will understand that it helps you. You cut to feed the demon inside of you, to feed those voices that have no mercy of you. You just want to feel something beside the hurt and the emptiness. You cut to prevent that same emptiness from killing you. It's the only think that stops you from making that final step that would make the demon win. You won't let it win. You can't.
You'll only lose.
They are right, you are loser. Another cut, another meal.
You parents will hate you.
Acceptance. You parents would never accept you, they wouldn't understand either. They wouldn't listen, they wouldn't understand, they wouldn't accept. And you can't say they would be wrong doing that: a sin can't be accepted. A sin can only be refused. Must be refused. You must be refused. You can't be accepted.
Nobody is going to accept you.
There's not going to be any acceptance for you. Another cut, another apology.
What's so good about love? We'll tell you: nothing.
Love. What is love? Where is it? You don't know love. Nobody ever loved you for who you are. You can't really blame them, you don't let anyone know you. Your entire life has been a continuous pretending, day after day. For now being loved for who you are pretending to be is enough for you, it's okay. You don't even love yourself, you can't expect others to love you. You can't even start to love yourself if you aren't being who you are to begin with. Maybe you should.
You're this way. This is who you are. You can't change.
You're darkness. Another cut, another day pretending.
Stay with us.
Light. It's all you want. You just want to step out of the dark and step into the light. But you can only dream of it, the voices will never let you go. You're afraid you'll be alone, at least here you have them. You're afraid light may be even more confusing than darkness, here you have the voices to guide you. You've caught a glimpse of it, you've seen a little of it, but you've seen enough to know it's beautiful. She is beautiful.
It's not for you, just give it up.
You're darkness and you're trapped inside yourself. One last cut, one last broken dream.
There are things you can't have, you accept that as you watch blood run on your thigh. They aren't meant to you, the voices are right, you don't deserve them. You realize now that you don't care, you don't need them.
There are things you can't have, sure. But you have other things to dream of, other things to worship.
Good girl.
Author's note: Hi. I needed to get this out of my chest. I worked on this little piece for days, this little piece means so much to me. This hits close to my heart, so close. This is why I haven't uploaded Gasping yet. I was working on it, I needed to work on it.
Hope you felt while reading. I sure felt while writing.
Meek's out.