Dear diary,

Uh, hi. I've never really had a diary, so this is gonna be kinda weird. Pretty much I've started myself up on a new diet to build muscle. I took a walk down to the gym and this really nice guy called Nathan spoke to me. He gave me a new diet sheet. For the next few weeks I have to strictly eat 1000 calories to get my body in shape for building muscle. I have to combine that with exercise too. Should be fun.

Ps. I'm not sure if I should tell Christian. He might laugh. He might think I'm copying him? Ah, I dunno. It's not a big thing anyway. I'll just see how it goes. You know, avoid the humiliation if it fails.

Syed.

I placed my newly-bought diary and pen down upon the newly bought king-size bed. Christian wasn't due home for another hour, so I had a bit of time to myself. It was this morning when I woke up and saw his body in full view, properly, that I decided that I needed to bulk up a little. He was so perfect. Every line, every muscle looked as if it had been carved and if it wasn't for the fact that his chest had been gently rising and falling, I would have probably mistaken him for a sculpture. I had been so ashamed, in fact, that I pulled the covers from around my sweaty body and draped them over him before rushing to shower and dress. My thoughts had been very contradicting. Should I exercise? Should I diet? I mean, I'm thin, yeah, I know. But I'm not exactly skinny and I could do with dropping a few sizes, or putting on some muscle at least. If I were Christian, I would be embarrassed to be seen with me.

So It was time to start testing the weights. I knew Christian had a few in the flat, I had seen him putting them away yesterday after his client. With a small yawn, I lifted my body from the bed. My stomach growled. It wasn't used to such a small amount of calories. But it would have to adjust. For a few weeks anyway. I wasn't sure what came next diet wise, Nathan said that we should just try this for now. "Where are you?" I hissed stupidly to myself as I rooted through the cupboard. He had placed them in a cardboard box. But which one? There were so many. Then I spotted them right in front of me. With a small roll of my dark eyes, I reached out for the box and dragged it with all my strength. I rooted through for the two smallest weights and lined them up to check they matched. Perfect. Leaning over, my hands gripped to the handles and I rose them above my head, allowing them to fall slightly so that my elbows bent and then lifted them again. After about 10 reps, I was beginning to find it hard, my arms ached and my head was spinning, but I forced myself to carry on. "Keep going, Syed." I told my self lowly. "Don't be a loser." My eyes narrowed as I continued to push them up and then allow them to fall ever so slightly, panting in and out, hoping that the deep gulps of air would take away the pain and the sickly feeling that was developing in my stomach. Unsurprisingly laboured sweat was beginning to trickle down my head. I continued to pant in and out as I forced myself up to 30 reps and then I finally let them drop to the floor with a small thud. I had already done a few reps in the gym today, but they hadn't been as heavy as these. Nathan was convinced that I couldn't manage anything over 5kg yet. I had to start low and build my way up, he said. But I just managed them? I wasn't sure what size they were. I supposed I would slyly find out from Christian later.

A small smile painted it's way upon my lips. For the first time in days, I felt whole again. I needed to be with Christian and as much as I had lied to myself, I knew I couldn't do that any more. He was my everything and he always would be. Despite that, I hated what I was. I hated hurting my family. But I couldn't change it. I was and always would be gay. Gay and Muslim, yeah, that was me. Odd, right? But the weight-lifting had taken all that pain and shame away. I felt good about myself, as if I had actually done something. Even with that fact, the mere thought of Christian finding out was shameful, so I polished the two weights which I had used and put them back in the box and then pushed it back into the cupboard where it belonged. I would tell him later, I decided, when I actually started getting somewhere.

Lifting my left arm up, I scanned the black, chunky watch which was strapped to my wrist. Another half-hour.

A jog couldn't hurt, right..?

I had to be perfect for him, after all, keep him wanting me. Maybe my family would even begin to accept me again if I looked better.. This diet and exercise plan would fix everything. I was positive of that.